Sometimes I need to crawl out of that dark hole I've made for myself and see what I've been missing...

I missed out on a lot since I was gone...

I didn't listen to the radio at all in the car. It would have hindered my concentration. I was in no mood for music. Instead, I prayed. I prayed for myself, my family & friends, my life, for those whom I have wronged and those who have wronged me. For the past few days I've been contemplating about a lot of things. I've fucked up a lot of things and people have died in my life, both physically and spiritually. I wanted to focus on God, since that's where my strength has been coming from. I thought about wise words people have said to me...

Gail always says, "As leaders we must solve problems with love. There are right ways and wrong ways of dealing with situations and people." I've been low on patience...but my love for others would never go away. No matter what shit life hands to me, I have to move on. I know that I am loved by others. Gail showed me that no matter how much I fuck up, no matter how much I let her down, she's there for me no matter what. She's there to give me brute honesty. She's there to give me advice. She's there to just keep me company. Honest to God, I don't know what makes me so deserving to have a friend like her. I love her to death.

Leo...He's been there to listen to me piss and moan about everything. He's there to serve his community. He's there to serve his group. He's my little bro and he has gone above and beyond his call of servanthood. He knows the best way to keep me motivated and to smack some sense into me when I babble. His energy and generosity brings so much to my life.

Jay, I won't turn my back on you. I won't stop you from living your life either. I know that we don't see eye to eye, but I'll pray for you...I always do. I'm sorry.

My lolo...one of the biggest inspirations in my life. I was taught patience, respect, and love for others. He lived a full and meaningful life. He was a devoted, father, brother, husband and most of all...a loving grandfather. He raised my brother and I to love each other and our family. He constructed an unbreakable bond with me and my cousins. There's no appropriate way to thank him for that. I wish I told him that I loved him before he had to go...

After last weekend, I realized that life isn't so bad. There's more to life than dealing with problems. Sometimes we have to take the time to appreciate the things that deserve our time. Last weekend was a reminder of how much my brother and sister in-law love me and care for my well-being. Lei said to me, "Funny how a baby can bring a family closer together." It's true. Just holding Scott in my arms and singing to him filled me with an overwhelming sense of peace. A baby, with no advice, with no knowledge of my existence until yesterday, solved all my problems. Scott...a new love in my life. Just sitting down and talking to Si and Lei lightened my burdens. They reassured me that they love me and would do anything for me."You'd make a great dad." "You're gonna be somebody..." Lei told me. I never really tell them that I love them...but I do...with all my being.

There are so many other people I thought about while I had my moments of solitude. I will continue to pray for peace...peace of mind and for the rest of the world. If you're reading this, all I ask is a little prayer from you too.

I'm hanging in there...



"Well it's just my imagination...running away with me..."
Welcome to our world, Scott. You are loved more than you will ever know...