Last night was Lionel's birthday and a bunch of us hit up OIWAKE in Little Tokyo. I was picked up so I could drink with them.

Being emotionally charged, I wanted to forget my woes and drink to numb my feelings for him. After 2 sake bombs, 1 sake shot, a french connection, and blow job...I WAS GONE. I can't remember everything...but I remember having a wild and crazy, good time. I do remember dancing on the dance floor and standing on the chairs and tables with Cheryl and Ann.

Now that I'm sober with a sore throat, and a little sore, I'm back to reality. Everything reminds me of him. All fucking love songs relate to me all of a sudden. I notice people holding hands and in love. Even at IHOP there were 2 downe guys together having a good time. YUCK! Why must the world torment me?

I miss him so much. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't even study for my finals. Christmas doesn't mean so much to me anymore. My holiday spirit is officially dead. I'm not blaming him for that. It's my fault.

I would do anything to get him back...but I would just be fooling myself.

He was the one who helped me pick up the pieces...and the same one who broke my heart into even more shards. I think I'm just gonna pick them up alone...again. I'm not looking for anyone else...not now. I need a lot of time to rebuild and to recharge. My heart can only take so much.

Christmas? Bah Humbug.