The more I try not to think about it, the more the world reminds me. If I'm out with people, I end up being so withdrawn because everything reminds me of him. I end up feeling stupid, because I know the chances of getting him back aren't too promising. Even in my sleep, I can't escape. He's in my dreams. I'm so bothered by the dreams because it doesn't help me much.

I went to church last night to seek comfort and I guess I found it. I had to try so hard not to cry during mass. Most of the time I just stared at the floor or the music in front of me. Believe me, it's not easy to sing a hymn while you're all choked up. I was serving at choir this week and I didn't want to completely break down and cause a scene. My heart was so heavy with questions last night. I wanted God to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to know so many things. I keep telling myself that God separated us for a reason.

I've been a wreckless mess since last Thursday. I've done so many bad things to fill the void inside. shopping, boozing, gambling...The only way I'll eat is if my body can't take any more hunger. The only way I can sleep is when my body finally breaks down into a stringy mess at 4 am.

I have ceased to care about pretty much everything. Christmas spirit? None. I'm not saying that he took it away from me. It's just that I stopped believing. I don't feel that I have much to get excited about. I was so excited to have a first Christmas with a boyfriend. Who was I kidding? There's really only one thing I want for Christmas...and I doubt I'm getting it.

After last night I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings. She and I are pretty much in the same boat. Thanks for the talk buddy. I miss you and I guess we can mope over lunch....heh.

"No other guy has treated me like you did." It was sweet of him to say that, but I've heard that a few times too much from other guys already. I don't know if it's even ringing true to me anymore. If I was like no other, then why am I feeling like I'm not good enough? Why do I feel stupid for failing? Why do I keep telling myself it was my fault? Why can't the nice guy catch a break FOR ONCE? Why do I feel like such a deadbeat of a boyfriend? Why doesn't being myself work? I know he talked to his other friends about me. I feel like such an ass. I feel like that these people think that I'm such an idiot.

I know I have a lot to live for. I'm not that dellusional. But right now I really don't have much to believe in. My world came crumbling down and now I have to pick up the pieces and carry the weight of the rest of the world on my already weakened shoulders.

This is the second time that things ended the day after I wrote a poem. I never get the chance to give it to them. I rarely write poetry, but I think I should just stop. heh.

Whoever said love hurts, knew what the fuck they were talking about.