It's funny how the heart and the head act completely independant of each other. I don't really know what to say about it...but I guess it's all part of the growing process. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a blubbering mess or anything. I'm not even sad...just a little weirded out for a moment. I've never been under these circumstances before...so I'm just feeling it out.

Sometimes I wish that there were no awkward moments in life... but I guess the joke is on me. It's only awkward for me...but that's the way life goes. There are 4 levels...

1. Comfort Zone
2. Stretch
3. Risk
4. Dead Zone???

I was in my comfort zone for a long time. Then calling him and talking to him would be the first step into phase 2. It was a "stretch" for me to talk to him...now the farther I get into it, I hang out with him. Now I'm in phase 3: taking a risk. Beyond that one would be unsure and even scared of what may happen to them. In other words, "if it doesn't go the way I want...I'm just gonna 'die'" (hence the dead zone).

I'm not really sure how I feel right now...but all I know is that I need a little more time to fix myself and really see who's still out there for a guy like me.

Honest to God, I'm still grateful that he's still around. I'll admit, that it's weird to only look and know that you can't touch. That should change with time. Everything does.

A part of me is still looking back...wondering what would have been. But, most of me is walking and slowly rising my eyes towards a new goal. I can't really say what I expect from this new year... I already said that I got a VERY rude awakening school-wise.

I've decided. My resolution is to get real. Better myself and seize my goals. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to assert myself and love myself more. After all, how can anyone love me if I cannot even respect myself. I want to be the certifiable geek in my classes. I want to be the best boyfriend to a loving boy...Not to say that a new one will necessarily be better than him. He'll always have that place in my heart...and for that I thank him endlessly.

Change starts from the inside...and then it becomes evident on the outside....

So let's work on a better me...a better everything.