I guess I've been neglecting this blog for a while. I haven't been able to just sit down, marinate and express my thoughts...

I went out with some old friends for lunch today and it really made my day. I guess today was one of those super random kind of days where I was just at the right place at the right time. heh. Janet and Dar... I love you guys. I've missed you so.

In other news, I guess I'm kinda scared of what I have gotten myself into. After talking to a few friends I started to think. I really don't want to drive him away. I seem to be a good target for rejection, so I suppose I'm pretty jaded about a lot of things. I was told that there's such a thing as being too nice. So nice that it might drive him away. Is that true? I know I'm a nice guy but so nice that no one would want to have anything to do with me? The other times where I was really sweet to the guy it ended things on the spot. Both with the ex and pursuing a guy. "Just don't do anything big..." The last time I heard that phrase, a relationship ended...Charles just said that to me the other night and I couldn't help but revert to that last time I heard it. But again, I'm really good at thinking too much, especially when it comes to him.

I'm thinking about it again. I don't know what to expect now that I have this seed of insecurity in my head. I have no intention of driving him away. I don't get it. It's either I'm being too nice...or not nice enough. It's like I'm so nice that I'm a stalker or I'm so calloused that I'm an asshole. I don't get it. What does everyone want from me? Why can't I just do things because it's a nice thing to do?

Another thing...there's a point that has been brought to my attention. Supposedly, I have to time things correctly or things will not work. It's either I'm moving everything too fast...or that I might not be moving fast enough and the "boring factor" may come into play.

I never wanted things to be this complex. I really like the guy. That's all I know and that's what I'm acting on. If I fuck up...I fuck up. I'm pro at it so why not just take it like a man? Shouldn't I be used to getting shot down? I mean I was already shocked that Charles had shown interest in me to begin with. After all, it's always a swing and a miss for me...but I'm always swinging for the fences.

It's full count and the bases are loaded...one last pitch for Mark. Is he gonna strike out like all the other times or is he gonna take his base?

Either way, I'm gonna swing for that damn fence and hope for the best.

And the pitch...