As drowsy as I am, I refuse to sleep without writing my thoughts onto my blogger.

I watched him at his PCN practice today and something dawned on me. What if this guy has no interest in what I have to offer at all? Naturally, friends is totally cool, but now that I think about it, what a stupid way to make a friend. I hit on the guy, hope that he likes me, and then become his friend because it doesn't work? Now the idea of friends isn't a bad one...it just seems like a really odd method to me.

I realized that I could very well be wasting my time yet again. I can like the guy all I want, but that doesn't affect how he feels about me. I don't get the vibe that the attraction is mutual. I can't control how he feels and I can't control how I feel. I'm really attracted to him. I like him a lot, but I really feel like I'm looking like a fool calling him and all that shit. I like the guy...that's all I know. I don't know how he really feels. I have no idea if he's even looking for a relationship...and if he is, am I even his type? I don't know what to expect from this guy, so I just leave it alone. If nothing comes out of this, then I guess I'm just gonna tend to myself for a change. I'm tired of trying to get a guy's attention and not have it work out for me in the end. FUCK THAT SHIT.

I hate liking a guy and then feel hella stupid when I find out they don't like me back. FUCK.

I hope he doesn't think I'm totally obsessed with him or anything. I mean, I think about him a lot, but I guess it's in vain. I don't want to tell him how I feel. I'm scared of the answer. I don't want to get shot down again for like 57102465023465th time. I wonder what he thinks; how he feels. Argh. Guys are just something I don't want to mess with anymore...This guy is last in line before I just give up on men for a while. I guess it's about time I did. If I can't win, shouldn't I just give it a rest and try again later? This is the last gold ticket I'm gonna give for a while. Last call........

If things don't work out (which is highly likely), then I'm gonna have to shape things up in the Mark department. I want look how I feel inside. I want to exude more confidence in myself. I'm so self concious image-wise. There are so many things about me physically I want to change. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like I'm just not the type that's attractive to the type I'm attracted to. I see guys with great bodies and cool hair dressed in the best clothes...and I look at them and think, why can't I look like that? I mean if I have the personality, looking like that would just be the icing on the cake.

Now that life is changing...not everything is better, but life is just moving along. I want to change my image. I want to look myself over and not have a second thought. I want to feel attractive. My ex made me feel like the greatest person in the world and when I lost him, I lost my perception of myself.

I know I sound like a little high school girl, but all I want is be given that second look...raise an eyebrow.

With all that bullshit aside. I had a good day today. Justin...sorry about the roundabout....hahaha.