I hate this shit.

I went through all my things and found these pictures of us at the beach. I found that piece I drew of him and the sunset. I hate the fact that I do these things for guys and never get the chance to give it. In the end, I feel like I wasted my time. I still feel that I wasn't good enough for him. I still feel like I fucked something up and he won't tell me what it was. I honestly feel like I might have been used. I feel like that I was just a joke to him.

I feel so bare having shared my secrets and faults with him. I feel embarassed knowing he got the best of me. It scares me to know that he knows me in ways my friends don't. I hate to think that maybe I was just a faceless person to kiss for his own benefit.

Friends? He's gonna have to prove that to me. I've been dealt the "friends card" a few times and DJ was the only one who proved himself to me.

The cynical side of me is saying that I was just his puppet and he got what he wanted. His words were hollow. His actions had a different motive. He played me as well as he plays the piano...

However the more rational side is telling me that he really was genuine at the time...and that I'm speaking out of anger...maybe even jealousy.

Nonetheless I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt (Besides, since I got fired, it's not like he reads this anymore...blah.) and I refuse to believe what I'm thinking.

Boys? Screw em. I'm gonna be single for a while. I'm not looking for a hook up. I'm not looking for a relationship...I want friends...that's it for now. I'm DONE putting myself out there like a dumbass. I'm done being sad about guys who can't commit to me because "I'm the nice guy." After every heartbreak my walls get higher and higher...my standards become firmer.

YOU WANT THIS HEART...CLIMB THAT WALL. I'M DONE MEETING ALL THESE GUYS HALF WAY. I'M NOT GONNA PLAY HARD TO GET...YOU JUST CAN'T GET IT.