I am hurt beyond all comprehension.

Okay...that FUCKING does it. This could be the 2 and a half hours of sleep talking...

It's almost fucking 7am. Wait...I'm NEVER up at this hour. What's going on?

I got back from taking my mom to work. They told me that on RARE occarion, I'm only going to be doing that on Wednesdays when I DON'T have class. That requires me to get up at 6am and drive her to DTLA.So why not go to sleep then, Mark? It would be pointless for me to sleep since I have to take my sister to school in about an hour anyway. ugh.

These past few days have pushed me to the edge...closer and closer. WHO WANTS TO PUSH ME OFF THE DAMN CLIFF? TAKE A NUMBER. Last night didn't help me either. I FUCKING CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME I WENT TO SLEEP FOR THAT MATTER. The whole time I was thinking about best friend and all those words I read. I thought to myself what the hell is going on? Why, of all places, I'm having a problem in THAT department? People were speaking out of anger. I was misread. I was hurt. My heart was trampled on...ALL while I was already in a SHIT-TASTIC mood. I could say a lot of things out of anger. I can slander to my heart's content. But what would that prove? What would that solve? NOTHING. Because I know that all those words wouldn't be constructive. They would ring untrue since they are only charged with pure emotion. That's why people say things they don't mean. Did you mean it? If so then why am I still standing? Why didn't I just fucking jump off already?

What? Me? Pissed? Hell yes. There are quite a few people who have been taking me for granted.

The world has been riding me like a $3 whore and I'm tired of it. All of a sudden I'm everyone's bitch. I found it somewhat amusing that I created a very uncomfortable car ride for my mom this morning. All I had to do was stay silent and glare at the road seemingly aloof. She quickly mentions something from TV to try to cut the tension, but I merely responded by raising my eyebrows to let her know that I heard her. She stopped talking after that.

My dad is a whoooole other story. He's not making sense to me lately. He REALLY pissed me off yesterday before I left for confirmation last night. First, he was condecending about his stupid laptop. Next, gives me the runaround when it comes to picking up my sister. Then, he lectures me about parking in the driveway when it was NEVER an issue to begin with. I don't know why he's been picking fights with me lately. I just don't want to talk to him right now. He makes me feel so...ergh. I don't know.

I've also been feeling quite melancholy about my students finally being confirmed. Last night was a major reality check. I've journeyed with these young people for 2 years and now they're leaving. I also have leaders that I may not see again for a while, if at all. It saddens me that after all that hard work, they just leave. I'm gonna miss them.

Justin, I wasn't yelling at you. I wasn't even saying those things in a negative manner. Honestly, I never asked you to fix it. I didn't even make it a problem. I told you it's not my business. Maybe after reading this entry you'll understand that I wasn't angry about you or whatever you said. Hopefully you'll recognize that there's other things in my life that can cause me to spazz out. I can't believe you think that I would "go crazy" over a guy that's most likely not interested in me. To top it off you think I'm blaming you for my shortcomings? No. That's not what best friends do. Why would I let a guy get between us? Even if he was my boyfriend...what right do I have telling you how to feel? I just had to swallow what you said and I couldn't sleep all night because of it. Ask Stephen...I was a babbling mess on the phone with him last night. Is that how you want me to feel? I wouldn't, in my right mind, ever say things like that to you...I can be as angry as hell and still not have the tenacity to speak to you in such a way. I had no intention of hurting you. I didn't mean to disrespect you. But right now I feel very hurt and disrespected by you. I'm not mad at you and, yes, I would like to fix things. I told you last night that my patience was wearing thin and that I wasn't in the mood to be the butt of jokes. That's it. You know that there will be days where I'm not the best person to joke around with.

Fuck, I don't know if I want to go to class anymore. I'm tempted to just turn in my work and just make a day out for myself. There are so many possibilities... I'd like to take Justin out to lunch to clear things up. I'd like to maybe see my nephew. Maybe, even surprise Ernald? (I had to take a shot at it.)

Great. After all this shit, I'm getting a cramp in my leg. This is going to be another GREAT day.

I am hurt beyond all comprehension.