I had no idea what time it was. I guess time flies when you're working on a project...

Anyway, it always helps to get an outside perspective on things. It allows one to think more openly about his or her situation and/or circumstances. When you're staring so hard and focusing on just one thing, you tend to forget to step back and really appreciate and understand the whole picture.

Arnell spends money on you and he does it because he loves you. He works really hard every single day to support himself and sometimes you... well, a lot of times, you. He even works really hard on those crappy days when he feels like he's gonna die. Then he comes home super tired and stressed and crabby... and he comes home to you. You... you, you, you... the guy he spends his money on. The jobless bastard that makes his paycheck go to waste. He comes home after a long hard day and thinks, "Oh, if only he could have experienced how crappy my day was. He has no idea. Sure, he can say he knows how it feels, but what has he worked so hard on today?"

So later on that night or a couple nights later, he takes you to dinner. When he pays, he thinks about how much money he has left until the next paycheck. He thinks about how many more dinners he can afford. And it's not just his own dinners, but how many more dinners for two. Oh, and he also has to take into account all the other expenses he has until the next pay period. And gas prices are sorta unpredictable sometimes, and he has to fill that SUV to take you out? Guh...

And then later that night you two come home...

And then the two of you hold each other.
And when he holds you, he's reminded of why he works hard. He's reminded of why the money isn't a big deal and how money isn't an issue at all. He's reminded of the fact that while work may be crappy, it gives him the opportunity to take you out and spend time with you. He's reminded that he loves you more than anything, and that you love him back. And at that moment, your love is all he needs in return.

So, Mark, you're not an expense. You're an asset to him. Even though spending money becomes sort of a pain, he still takes you out cause he loves you. I'm sure Arnell knows that when you get your job, you'll take him out too. So don't feel too bad. It's good that you at least realize the money he spends on you.

I ask myself, "Why should someone like him provide for or even stay with a schmuck like me?"

I've read this over and over again. It still manages to bring me to tears. Peter, thanks for putting things into perspective. I really need to step back and see the whole picture, don't I? More importantly, it's time to make a few changes. I'm tired of wishing. Most of all, I need encouragement and loving support to make these improvements.

Time to sleep. A rested soul is a happy soul.