I was asked if I was going to put a birthday list up. I'm not really sure if I should this year. Birthdays? Well, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of them in general, but it's just that most people don't make a big deal about mine, so why should I? I don't care. They don't care. Everyone wins.
My life has been slowly falling apart. I've been missing so much in my life and it's all my fault. I haven't been going to church. I haven't been going to confirmation. I need to go back. I need to be more responsible with a lot of things right now. Now, I'm in a place where I never wanted to be. I never thought I'd have to be in a shadow like this one. I still cry every night. I still have trouble sleeping. I hardly eat. The only thing that's going for me is my job, but who cares if everything else in my life is a mess? I guess that's the story of my life. I'm a messy guy who can't get life right.
I need to just disappear. I need to feel like I matter. I hate myself right now.
I hate my life.
4 comments:
i'm so freakin angry with you right now! i was going to keep it a surprise, but now i'm telling you flat out. i'm here trying to plan out your birthday (i've been planning since july) and you write this. i understand that you feel really low right now, but come on mark!
for the past 5 years, we have always done something BIG for your birthday. and i can remember each and everything that your mom, arnell, your brother and i have planned for your birthday. people care and love you so much. why are you trying to undermine it? there will always be someone to turn to if you need someone. and there will always be someoen to tell you how much of an idiot your being or how much we love you no matter what.
with or without me - u have family and friends who care.. our problems dont amount to the love and concern they have for u.. i feel like this entry was totally unnessary..
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what are you talking about?? i make a big deal out of your birthday...i mean i share the same birthday with you AND simon. and you two are twins...
see, that's cool.
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