Faux Model

I really love what I do. But the question is, "Am I GOOD at what 'I do?'"

Let's face it, I'm not perfect. Right now, I feel really far from perfection. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at work. I mean, I don't really know if I'm doing a bad job either. It's just that I feel like I keep getting caught doing something wrong, even if it wasn't my fault. I guess once you're in charge, everything can be your fault. My managers kinda gave me a pep talk that went wrong. Instead of feeling empowered, I was pretty embarassed. I felt pretty discouraged since no one is really reassuring me that I'm doing a good job.

I can already feel school slipping away from me and we just ended the second week. I realized how hard it is to juggle a new thing. I can't afford to mess up this semester. I need to be motivated and encouraged.

Don't get me started with Confirmation. No one has said anything, but I know I'm definately slipping up. I can't quit work for it. I can't compromise school for it either. I don't know what to think. It's really embarassing to feel like one of the worst examples on the team. I've been there for so long and for some reason I feel out of the loop. I feel like I'm not really part of the team right now. I guess it's because of the Germany trip I missed. I was stressing out over tonight because I wasn't there on time. I mean, my team has never said anything to me, but I'm sure they think I'm losing my edge.

I don't get it. I feel like I'm not good at what I do anymore. I feel like a failure already. I feel like I'm not making a difference. I feel like that I'm gonna slip so far that I'm going to lose control of everything.

I feel like such a bad example, a bad leader and a bad student. I thought I was a role model. If I'm supposed to be one...I better get my shit straight.

Am I good enough? I'm really not sure right now. I'm not feeling too good about myself right now.