(My sleeping pattern is NOT working out for me!)

I'm about to type up a lot of shit that I don't want to put up. I guess I need an outlet for myself and I'm about to put myself out on a limb. I think I'm going to shock some...while offending others.

There are some people that I'd really like to remain friends with. There are others where I'm glad that I have cut them out of my life.

Being a friend and having a friend are two completely different ideas. Being a friend means that one would have to work to keep a connection alive. There is a certain line that cannot be crossed under certain circumstances. Having a friend can mean that you consider someone a friend, YET can only be at the lowest extent of the word. I have friends who don't call me. I have friends who forget that I'm alive. Granted that I don't always take the time to contact them...it's a two way street.

I have a friend whom I miss, yet want to keep a certain distance from right now. Lines were crossed. Feelings were hurt. I hate the fact that the line between friendship and "more than friendship" was totally blurred. Naturally I'm also at fault. Some might have called it cheating. I was totally confused; contradiction after contradiction... Yeah, I liked the attention...but in the end, I felt a little burned. Either way, I hurt a lot of people, but I set myself up for a whole world of hurt and denial.

I put so much at stake for something that would most likely never happen. Being in the middle isn't a new thing for me, but I hate being there. This time, the mistake was all me. I'm the one who made a certain choice. I'm the one who chose to act irrationally and was in denial about it.

A friend told me that I needed someone to tell me what I didn't want to hear. He told me that if I were to fight with myself, I'll always win. I didn't have an outside perspective to allow me to weigh out my options.

I have friends who can get whatever they want...when they want it. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. If I want something, I work hard...and a lot of the time, I end up not getting it. At one point someone else wanted me, lead me somewhere, had me, and tossed me aside. That's how I feel. I feel like I got burned by the fire I chose to play with. I was told over and over again NOT to play with fire...yet I was still willing to risk my well-being.

I'm at a crossroads. I want to talk with this friend, but I'm not sure how to do it. We left so many things unsaid. A part of me wants to work things out...and another part of me isn't sure if it'll be okay. I'm really sensitive to certain things right now. I have a mindset that I've developed.

I've grown out of a phase. Now, that I'm standing up...I want peace of mind. I want my ties with people to remain. Most of all, I want my happiness. After all is said and done, it would be unfair for me to cut someone out of my life if they were willing to be friends...

People are entitled to make mistakes. People have the choice to forgive and be forgiven. There is no right or wrong. There are only actions and results of actions. Life is how we interpret it.

I know that it's going to take a lot of time before normalcy happens. I know that I fucked things up...but I'm ready to man up to everything.

Balance.

I think that was the word I was trying to look for...