Dear Dear Diary...

Dear Self,

I have recently discovered different facets of my already complicated being. I'm not really sure if my discoveries are beneficial or otherwise, but I just thought that blogging them would be kinda of...well...theraputic?

I found out that my darker side of me is more apparent than I thought. I want to say maybe it's because I have learned to assert myself a little more but, I had no idea that I have used my selfishness as my own entertainment...torture. Knowing I have someone wrapped around my finger entertains me. Knowing my small negative actions can adversely affect another entertains me. Why? Karma. That's why. How can one expect to be nice to you if they were anything but? I'm such a bitch sometimes and I love it. I'll own the part if I feel it's necessary. Yeah, I'm a nice guy unless you provke me.

How did I learn that? Well, let's just say I was about to pick a fight with someone that might have been able to beat me down, but I wasn't intimidated at all. In fact, it was the other way around. Eyes can burn. ha.

Ever since I came out, I've always wanted to know what it would feel like to be able to get any guy I could possibly want. I wanted to know that even though I had a distorted self-image, my reflection would be considered attractive or, dare I say it, sexy. I could safely say that at this point in my life, I now know that feeling. If I were single, I could toy with men or keep them as I please. I've been shamelessly complimented without trying to draw attention to myself. I could control a target with a little manipulation, cuteness, or even a little alcohol (haha). With this realization came another notion of self. This newfound "power" is really useless. Sure, I could have the nice body, fat wallet, nice car kind of guy. But, where would that get me? I soon realized that a first impression doesn't dictate the person completely. Would another be able to invest and afford me emotionally, spiritually, physically or even monetary-wise? It's not likely. Would I take stock in someone who wouldn't genuinely care for me...or not love me? Of course not.

With this idea I learned once you have a good thing going; encourage the momentum. With an action as simple as presenting me with a rose...my momentum pushed on. Whether it be a laugh, smile, request, conversation, gift, or gesture, the message was always the same. "I love you. Even though I didn't say it out loud."

I've realized that I love my family (and friends) more than I have before. I guess it's true that you can only understand someone better once they're gone. My cousin has left the country in pursuit of self discovery. A good friend has left a life she thought she knew in order to attain true happiness and understanding. There's never really a good "bye."

The last idea that popped in my head is that I am a creative, attractive, loveable, flawed person. I want to finish school. I want to be able to look back and say that I worked for what I have. I earned my place in life. I worked with what was given to me and I shared my bounty.

I also remembered that a blog is not only for talking about what you did today. Most of the time no one cares what your actions were during the week. They care if you're alive being who you are. It's about what you feel and think...not always about what you do.

So self, I think I should accept who I am and own my name and role in life. I can think of a select few who has done that for me before I did.

Never forget who you are and who helped you realize it.

With Love and Respect,
Self