Homebody

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about going out right now. I've been craving to go out the weekend before school started and that didn't work out too well. As a result, I wanted to go out and have fun because I got through a crazy first week of school. Now, I just feel like going out to have a good time will only cause more stress on my head.

I went out on Friday to Rage in hopes to find the elusive "good time." Getting there was already half the battle. I was trying to get a hold of Arnell but frankly, he doesn't really check his phone at a club and doesn't seem to grip the idea of checking for messages just in case I'm trying to get a hold of him. God forbid if my face was on fire, he wouldn't really get the message until he decides to check the time off of his phone. Anyway, by the time he got my text message, I was just about ready to pay the cover charge. I expected him and my buds to be intoxicated by then. I was right. I wanted a hard drink, but I didn't want to drink alone. I had a crazy drive to the club. I was a little irritated by many people I knew at Rage since it seemed like no one knew who I was unless I was with Arnell. I was snubbed by so many different people so that didn't help my negative attitude. Long blog short...of all people, my own boyfriend didn't do much to comfort me or try to make my mood better. That's all I wanted. A hug or him saying "It's gonna be fine. Let's just have fun." I got NOTHING. He was more interested in having the attention of everyone else. Someone even asked, "Hey why don't you give your man some attention?" He said, "He gets enough of that at home." So really...how would anyone expect me to feel after being mad already?! Everyone else had the sense to TRY to get me to be in a better mood. I even told him to his face what was bothering me. Mind you I didn't say it in an angry or threatening way. He responded with a "that's YOUR problem" kind of look. He ignored me and embarassed me most of the night. Things escalated and I cried to my friends in the parking lot about how I felt. Yeah, I'm still a little pissed about it.

Tonight, I went out to Dimples in Burbank. I was already sketchy about me having a good time, but it was for Gail's birthday, so I was more than happy to join in the festivities. I did have a good time...but there were a few things that hindered me from having an even better time. Two guys in the bathroom were talking shit about me and looked like they were about to punch me out. Their anti-gay slurs really killed my buzz. I was also a tad uncomfortable since Gail has so many different friends from so many facets of her life. I didn't feel like I was fitting in the whole time. Apparently, gay people are great fodder for jokes, waitresses and emcees. All things considered, I had a pretty okay time...but I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable.

All I wanted was to blow my mind outta my skull...but I give up.

I'm sad and angry about Friday and uneasy about tonight. I don't even want to try to go out anymore. I can't expect to go out and have a good time. Who cares? I'm just going to go back to that God-forsaken store for my meager wages.

I hate work.
I didn't start the semester the way I would have hoped.
I think I'm just gonna stay home, do my homework, clean, and just fuckin feel sorry for my pathetic, broke ass.

Honestly, I find it hard to wake up in the morning. I guess I need a better reason than being alive.