How Many of Us Have Them?

I'm not sure how I feel. I've complained that I wasn't fitting in with a group last weekend, but all the while, another feeling was sort of festering. Though, I didn't feel completely comfortable about being with certain people, I was still part of a bigger whole. My point is: I was remembered.

Recently, my boyfriend was complaining about something to me and it got me thinking too. At first I had mixed feelings about it, and wasn't sure if he was being valid about it. I felt that way, only because I didn't really want to get involved, you know? Sure, he has every right to be unhappy. I can see why...now.

My boyfriend and my close gay friends are pretty much the only link I have to the gay side of my life. With them, I feel comfortable being myself. I feel safe, wanted, loved, and included. Unfortunately, recently the last one didn't really apply. I have not heard from them in a long time, nor was I invited to certain events. Granted I was unable to attend one, I was really not made aware of many of them. I guess the stigma of Arnell and I being a package is that it leads to the assumption that if he can't go, I can't. Then again, neither of us can go if neither was invited. I'm not really complaining about that though. I guess my feelings lie in the idea that maybe I'm losing my gay "family."

I don't have "boys" of my own. Outside of the main group I associated myself with, I don't have my own main group of gay friends. I depend on the friends that Arnell has graced me with...but suddenly, I haven't really been feeling included. I'm not a big fan of inviting myself to things. I must admit that I have done that before, but I sure feel stupid after.

So, I really understand my boyfriend's feelings now that I feel the same way. No, I never dismissed them. I was more like in denial about it. I really miss them. I miss the dinners, movies, trips to Disneyland, parties, clubbing and all of the other random things we would do. So missing not knowing about a recent barbecue kind of hurt my feelings. Then again, was I just not meant to be there to begin with?

In the end, it makes me unsure. Am I really part of a group? I thought I've invested enough time with them to be confident...but right now, I'm a little shaken.

At least with my main group of straight friends, I'm in the loop 99.5% of the time and if I'm not, they fill me in pretty quick...especially if they're making fun of me. ha.

Times change so I'm hoping for the benefit of the doubt...

Yeah, that's my two cents.