Thinking Keeps Me Awake At Night

The boyfriend is really close to moving out of the house and into his own space with one of his best friends, Jeff. I am not necessarily bothered by the fact that he's leaving. I think that it's great that he will have a place of his own. The fact that we've been living together for over 3 years makes this whole separation thing seem like a downgrade to me. Let's be honest. Most couples strive to achieve the patience and ability to live with their counterpart...well, at least that's how I see it. We agreed that this will be another test for our relationship. So we'll see how this goes.

The reason I'm up at this ungodly hour is because I keep thinking. I honestly wonder when him and I would get our own space to share. Would it really happen once I'm actually stable? There are just some issues that concern me and cause me to think him and I won't be sharing a home of our own. I know that we can live together. Duh, we've done it for quite a while now. The thing is, it's so much easier for him to have a space like this with a friend rather than a lover. It's obviously easier to explain. Sometimes, when we're out I wish I didn't have to be so cautious of how I interact with him. There's really not much I can do about that. Yeah, it bothers me, but in the end I love him anyway.

I always dream about living in an amazing place. I keep imagining our photos and our artwork gracing the walls. I always imagine seeing this amazing black and white photo of us greeting me on a countertop whenever I enter the room. I dream about a living room that HE put together because Lord knows that he is very particular about how a room should look. I can smell the dinner he's making since he can cook much better than I can...

I guess I oughta snap out of it. I suppose him and I will cross that bridge when we get to it. I am that point in my life where I know I want to turn a house into a home...and I hope that I'm not wasting my time if my dream doesn't come true.

No. I'm not doubting the relationship. I've jokingly tell him that he's the one who has to propose to me. That way I'll know that he's ready. Jokes are half truth, right? Will WE ever be ready? We'll see. But for now, I'm very happy with him and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm just scared and obviously thinking way too much if I'm up this early.

Fuck. Turn off, BRAIN! You need to sleep.