1600th post

I was hoping this post would be a happy one. However, I feel like I'm walking in the dark.

So many joyous events have taken place as of now. I proclaimed 2008 as a year of major change, but I overlooked the potential of negative changes.

Since he doesn't want to talk online, then I'll just spill my feelings here. I feel so alone and scared.

I haven't seen Arnell for about 3 weeks now. I understand that he's been reconnecting with family. I understand that he misses everything and everyone there. I have no problems with him being there because who wouldn't want to be close to their family? I miss him like crazy. It hurts so much.

But when someone in mid-rant says that he's in a tough position and follows that with, "I don't want to do this online..." what am I supposed to think?!

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but THAT seems like a dealbreaker is going to follow that. So now, I'm home while he's there for another week and all I'm doing is worrying. What the hell does he mean by that? How am I supposed to take that?

Okay, if he wants to move back to the bay, then that's not something I can argue with. What kind of person would I be to deny him his roots? Does he want to break up with me? I don't know. Is there someone else? I don't know. I know that seems a little paranoid of me, but he has given me NOTHING to go on. Mad? No. I'm just freaking the hell out. I'm frustrated. I'm just sitting here...waiting.

It's going to be 4 years in August, but let's face it. The relationship has to either die out or grow further. If he's not ready to move forward, then this a waste of my time right now. Not to say that the time leading up to now is a waste...but you get what I'm saying. I'm not forcing or rushing marriage. That's stupid. I'm not gonna lie. I hate the fact that there are some obstacles he can't get over. I hate the fact that I know his whole freaking family and never met his parents. Yeah, it's unfair for me to expect certain things because circumstances are different, but we're adults. Aren't you proud of me?

If you love someone you can set them free, and if he comes back then yes, it was meant to be. It's not that I want to break up our relationship. It's not that I think we need a break, but this limbo that I'm in...is NOT cool.

I've been prepping myself mentally for the worst. I know that I may be blowing things out of proportions, but if I'm right, at least my mindset is prepared.

I feel less and less important as days go by. My anxiety grows exponentially every night. I have so much trouble sleeping lately. All I do is worry, cry and pray.

So what is it?
What do you want from me?

It's stupid. Here I am giving advice to all these people, and yet I'm here feeling so alone...feeling so sorry for myself. And for what? I really have no idea, but it certainly feels like a bad storm is coming.


If you're not ready for me. Pack your stuff and get out of my house. I'll be waiting and hoping for you to come back...and if you don't, then I just may die as a single man with a broken, unfulfilled heart.

I have no one to talk to about this...so I just let it all out here on this stupid fucking blog.

All I've been doing is getting ready for the rest of my life. I've been throwing away everything that I don't need. I've been researching for a new car. I've been

After my first boyfriend, a wise brother once told me, "If it's not mad, crazy, passionate love, then it's a complete waste of your time."

I hope, with all my being, that I'm not a waste of time.

I love him and I can't imagine loving someone else like I love him. I'm a bad person for putting him between a rock and a hard place.