Growing Pains & Reevaluation

When a friend comes up to you and says, "I think we need to talk," a sense of intimidation and fear floods inside you like water in a drowning lung. Suddenly this fuckwave builds right above you and all you think about is how you're going to handle this wall of water you're about to collide with. Immediately, you think of ways to maneuver your way though and around, while you hope you don't run out of breath. You uselessly search for something to grab onto and brace yourself...and all the while you're never really sure how things are going to pan out. Either way, mortality still rears its head for some reason.

When you're asked to join this universally dreaded conversation, you quickly (and possibly unnecessarily) think of EVERYTHING that you thought you'd done wrong. You twist facts to validate the right or wrong in each situation. You weigh out every circumstance in hopes you have a cohesive thought. It's even WORSE if you have to wait for the moment of this possibly life-destroying conversation. What if... What if... What if...

The true measure of a friend is how worried they are when they have to be brutally honest with you. An even bigger measure is how they gather the courage for this display of brute strength. Honestly, I never found my friends to be completely unobservant of my life, but I didn't expect them to intervene when things got really sloppy. That must mean something was really that bad.

It gave me a chance to open a door and let some light in. It let my friends know that I'm okay and we're still on the same page. All the while, they thought we weren't even in the same book. So after a heart-to-heart, a huge sigh of relief escaped my lungs...without a single drop of water. In a short time, the fuckwave subsided to nothing more than a gentle current. Smooth sailing, you say? Not really.

Now that a door has opened, a whole other world has become available to me. I have no idea what to expect once I decide to peek or even walk through this door, but it's my life path and I can't just leave the door open and complain about the draft, can I? This conversation made me realize that I'm growing. I'm growing into this person I've been meaning to become. Things need to change. I need to change.

This bittersweet life has offered so much to me recently. In most cases, I didn't have a choice in the matter. You cannot refuse when God decides to have one of your best friends slowly start to fade because of cancer. Nor, can you refuse when God decides to give you the ability to hope and love either. It's funny how things work that way. On the other sweeter side of life, you cannot deny God's grace when it comes to you. I glady accepted the position at my recent workplace and aim to survive another work week like a real adult. Life's bitter & sweet. It always has been, but we all know you can't have one with out the other.

Opportunity is knocking at my door and selling me all kinds of shit in that stupid tupperware box. I'll sit through the features and benefits speech. Hell, I'll even sit through the demonstration, but doesn't mean I'm buying. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of change happening and I have yet to be convinced that my life is just fine.

I'm drifting without a paddle and I know there's another fuckwave just waiting to try to drown me. In the meantime, I'll float and see where things take me.




Sink or swim? Fuck. I'm too old for floaties.