I, Alone.

My epiphany came to me through an intriguing young man. I slowly started to find myself attracted to him as we sort of rushed our outings. For the sake of his sanity, I choose not to reveal who he is. All you need to know is that I really like him and I feel like I might have scared him off a little, but that’s a whole ‘nother story... So what does this guy have to do with me, or the issue at hand? Let’s start with my feelings for two certain boys in my life. It’s stupid of me to place feelings into (one) a straight friend who has been more than gracious enough not to freak out and leave me hanging after admitting my feelings to him and (two) the fore mentioned friend whom I have been hanging out with recently and becoming increasingly attracted to but feeling like I totally messed things up.

Why am I so enthralled to get to know them when I need to first reorient myself with... myself?

I have recently acknowledged the shortcomings of my quarter-life. At 26 (and very quickly approaching 27), I have realized that I am not as self-fulfilled as I thought. For the past 5 months, I’ve been rebuilding what I thought was my identity. Things were starting to make sense and I was slowly regaining my sense of self. I was in control. I started to line all my ducks in a row. However, as I took aim, I saw a very sobering image in my crosshairs. I saw myself not knowing how to shoot after I had them all set up...

For some reason, I define “alone” as a sad, empty space that I’m afraid to venture in. Yes. I have this innate need to connect with people; so much so that it’s harmful to my personal growth. I am now void of connections with myself. I don’t know myself as well as I originally thought. Why is it that I know your favorite drink, yet have no idea what to get when I’m asked? My issue is plain and simple: I have a fear of being alone. I totally suck at it. I loathe eating alone in a public setting. It seems a little forlorn & pathetic to me. It makes me sad. I can’t go to a theater alone because it freaks me out to think that no one is there to share the movie with. A huge fear would be having to travel alone and have no one to meet at my destination. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing any of these things fore mentioned, but that’s how I personally feel.

I can securely say that I live for other people, but really, when have I truly lived for myself and ONLY myself? Think about it. I have a twin brother. Though an interesting facet of who I am, that wouldn’t be too helpful in breeding a sense of individuality. I also have recently ended a serious, 5-year relationship. The idea of living for someone else was my purpose in life…but unfortunately, I found that person to be unworthy of living for me. After such a long relationship, I have lost the ability to cater to my own needs on my own terms.

One of my best friends told me, “You have to be able to take care of your basic, essential needs on your own.” The sad part is, I have no idea what my basic needs are. So really, how could I even begin to satisfy them? I don’t know what I want from myself since I’ve been so blinded by involving myself in other people’s lives. I find it easier to take care of the needs of others. Stupidly, now I cannot even identify what I need, let alone what I want from myself, from life, from men… or even deciding what to fucking eat for lunch. Such confusion breeds anxiety.

I have been challenged to walk on my own two feet. I must learn to depend on myself to make me happy. It scares me to do things alone, but I’m going to have to adjust to gain my sense of independence. I just purchased a notebook to help chronicle my soul searching. I will try to affirm myself and note down what I learn and feel. This is a personal journey I need to embark on.

No. I’m not keeping a distance from anyone, but I need to learn how to be alone and depend on ONLY myself to satisfy my needs. Once I figure that out, I’ll be better at satisfying yours.


It scares me to face this fear, so I wrote a bulk of this in a public place… ALONE.

Pardon my dust. I’m building a better me.