LEARNOWNVALIDATEEVOLVE

Being who I am isn’t a guaranteed payoff, but it’s the best bet I could make. I’m not going to lie, though. I’m rough around the edges and a bit soft in the middle, but I’m learning to work with what I have. After almost 2 years of having to rediscover myself after a massive identity meltdown, I learned that the growing up never ends. Oddly enough, my inner child still comes out to play, no matter what my birth year suggests.

After this retreat, I was reminded that maybe I’m not so far removed from today’s youth. I’m not stupid, but I already know the snap judgments they’d instinctively make. Let’s face it, rounding up to 30 doesn’t bring too much credibility to someone who’s half my age. Fortunately, a handful of students and leaders were beaming with relief after Saturday night’s session. Some even came to share their new-found, inner freedom with me. Their spirited words and breath-knocking hugs, was one hell of a wake up call.

All the while, I jump in the trenches as some sort of teacher and they had no idea our problems are, in essence, the same. In the past year, I’ve come across my own victories & hardships. Pain is pain. Success is success. There’s always a fair trade off whether or not we believe it’s there. Balance. What a crock; but a necessary evil sometimes. Life has a way of throwing me off balance anyway. I’ve treaded lightly with my own heart only to have it trampled by some guy who had no idea what he wanted from life. As my heart’s shrapnel remains scattered and unaccounted for, I still pray for someone who will pocket the pieces. The pursuit of love is, I think, a more universal language than math is. God, I suck at math...

I dream of days where everything makes sense, but reality has a way of being more interesting than my personal, diluted fantasy. My career feels defeated. My love life is just an abyss of unknowns. The only money that I have are in my pockets right now. Lastly, I have no idea where I’m going to go next. Even after all these hurdles I need to jump, I have to remain collected. I can't say that I'm not embarrassed about it, but I'm happy. I can actually say that I am.

I’m perfectly flawed and you know what? I’m okay with that. There’s going to be another time where I have to rediscover myself again, but at least now I’ll be better armed for the self warfare. I’m stuck in the middle, but it’s better than being too scared to leave the starting point, right?

Consider. Mark. embraced.