I think it's time that I took the time to let you all know what has been going on with my life as of late. This entry is going to be a LONG one so I hope you have nothing to do. Trust me, this isn't an entry you want to skim through. Just take your time.

A lot has been going on with Mark Andrew Ocampo Kaiklian. A lot has happened even before I left for Oahu a few weeks ago. Thanks to a few people, my life has changed. I have learned so much about myself and my place in the world. Relationships have both strenghthened and weakened in the past weeks. My life went through a whole myriad of emotions, thoughts, opinions, and especially experiences. I have gained a new respect for myself, for my family and my friends. Unfortunately, I have lost the respect for others in the process. In any case, I need to maintain, or even regain, my equilibrium. In one month all of this happened to me: I have made new friends. I thought I fell in love. My heart was broken. My belief system was attacked. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I went to Disneyland. Strengthened friendships. Lost friendships. I realized how lucky I really am. Basically, I grew up.

So what exactly happened in Oahu? What was so special about my trip to paradise? What did I learn? What did I acheive? Why was it a trip I would never forget?

I'll let you know in a sec.

It was my first time in Hawaii. For months I was looking forward to this trip. I wouldn't stop ranting about it to all my friends. I'm sure my raving grew stale to them...but wouldn't you get really giddy if you were leaving for Hawaii for the first time?! The days slivered away and the depature date creeped closer and closer. I actually didn't pack until the night before the trip and our flight was at 10am. You could probably imagine my fatigue. The first thing I remember was the crisp sea breeze caressing my skin. I took a deep breath and said to myself, "We're here!" My uncle surprised us at the airport and had given us all leis. I was hoping I'd get one upon landing. hahaha.

For a week we saw the sights, lived the island life, and shopped like there was no tomorrow. I tried to absorb the history, life and culture of the island.

So what made this trip so different?

I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I have actually been out to my friends and some of my family...but not to my parents. I told myself I would tell them...and a good friend helped me out. His support means so much to me. I wasn't going to forgive myself if I didn't clear the air. When I had told them my mom's first and immediate response was, "I know anak, I've known since you were 8. It's just a mother's instinct." Right after my dad jumped in and said, "We're family. I want to try to understand you. You don't have to worry about anything." At this point I cried. I feared the worst with my dad. They were confused as to why it was so hard for me to tell them; why it was such a big deal to me. I explained that my final closure was knowing that, of all people, I was able to tell my parents that I was gay. They said that they love me no matter what and that I don't have to worry about anything. My mom agreed when we talked about how I can minister to the kids who are unsure or scared to accept their sexuality. So now, it makes no difference who knows I'm gay or not. The fact is that my parents, friends and family know and they are okay with it...well most of them are.

Since then, I pursued relationships. My heart was broken a few times and I felt like giving up. I eventually found one who could handle me. He makes me feel whole. He understands me... So yes...I am exclusively seeing someone now and my parents know.

The funny thing about this whole story was how I finally decided to tell my parents. During our trip I prayed to God for a sign that it would be okay to tell my parents. The next day, while we were getting ready for breakfast, we noticed a lot of commotion coming from outside our window. Was this my sign that I had asked for? You tell me. It turns out the Gay Pride parade was working its way through Honolulu. I thought to myself, "Shit, if that's not a subtle sign...I don't know what is." Me, my dad and my sister went down to watch it. I had noticed that neither of them were phased by all the queers parading down the street. It was all done in a tasteful fashion mind you...

I know not all of you who are reading this know that I'm fruitier than a box of Froot Loops, but if you don't like my shit...then don't smell it.

I have done a lot of growing up. I have done a lot of suffering and it has finally ended. My life has changed for the better and I thank God that I am alive and sane enough to work through it all. My chain has been broken. I am free to live. I am free to love. I am free from my old self.

I want to know what you all think...even the haters. Give me what you got and I'll shoot you down faster than a terrorist fighter jet.

I wanted to break the news and spit out a new layout, but I was just too lazy to get another one done. In any case, expect a lot of changes around here.

The closet door has been opened. I needed some fresh air.

It's almost been a week...I needed a break from my so-called hiatus.

My heart was right. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I was right. I learned a lot about myself today. I learned how happy I really am. I learned that I don't have to base my opinions on the thoughts of others. I learned to wait and think a little longer before speaking.

I. am. different.

Life is a cycle of good and bad. Sometimes the phases are shorter or longer than others, but it always manages to reach full circle. The phase I am in now feels like an eternity, but I trust that eventually, the circle will complete.

Everyone deserves to be happy. I guess some have to wait longer than others.

(Don't ask what this is about if you don't know. I just needed somewhere to materialize my thoughts.)

Something isn't right in my world. I have that uneasy feeling inside again. I can't put my finger on it. I hate this feeling. I hope I'm just being delirious.

I learned to trust you last night. It was just my imagination running away again.

I'm still on hiatus.

SHORT HIATUS...

I'm gonna miss Hawai'i. I had such a good time there. I needed some time to reflect on things and just not worry about anything for a change! Even though I had to take a few calls from people who forgot I left. My life can never really leave me alone. You can't win them all I guess...

I did a lot of growing up last week... I learned what O'hana is really all about.

The change will come with the new layout.

I'll tell the tale soon enough.

I'm home now. Expect a LOT of changes around here. Things really changed for me over the last week and I think I'm ready to just share without any inhibitions.

I had a great experience in Oahu.

More later. LOTS.