2008 in Review
With each year that passes, change comes to those who seek it. As the cliché goes, “change is inevitable,” but 2008 has certainly turned my life on its ear. Despite the state of the country, I can confidently say that 2008 was a good year for me.
I started off year with a decision to quit my job and focus on graduating. It was about time I took myself seriously enough to finish school and be a functioning member of society. Though Coach was a great place to work, I found it to be a dead end to my plan for life. I felt that I needed to focus my energy on the bigger picture.
Before my last day at Coach, I had gone to a Confirmation retreat that I was never going to forget. We had braved through the tough weather to run a year 1 retreat. The snow was relentless but beautiful. Though the retreat was a success, a few of us did not make it back home as scheduled. It was certainly an adventure to “survive” the SDYM blizzard of doom. However, my co-workers did not seem the least bit worried about my welfare. Next time I’m in a dire situation, I have to make sure I’m not working.
This year, I decided to pick up a stray Confirmation group and it certainly kept me grounded. Dane, Gloria, Josh, Mikey, and Tanya, I love them all. I am especially proud of Mikey as he is the only one who stepped up to become a leader. He went from being dragged to classes and retreats to becoming a great example to his peers as well as myself. My love for SDYM is as strong as ever.
Las Vegas was certainly the destination of 2008. However, I didn’t know that while Arnell and I surprised NA for her 29th birthday. It turns out I would visit Las Vegas another eight times in 2008. In fact, the next time I would see the city was to celebrate my degree. The JW trip was a $1000 trip I’ll never forget. I got to see Janet Jackson perform for the second time in life at the Mandalay Bay. Seeing her was a huge dream of mine since I was very young. Whether I was there for a Wells Fargo event, concert, birthday or family event, Vegas was always a hoot.
The summer of 2008 brought about a huge wave of change. It started with me finally graduating from CSUN with a BA for graphic design. Not too much later, a new addition came, Matthew Brendan while his kuya Scott graduated from Kindergarten. In the same month, I had gone on my first “touristy” trip to the bay. Weeks later, my Tita Josie got married. Among all the tee games, photo shoots, I also had the biggest job I’ve ever had. I had the privilege to work with the Diversity Unit of the Hilton Family. I learned a lot from that experience.
As the summer wound down to and end, I made new friends, I passionately fought for my rights as an openly gay person, and most importantly, I celebrated a fourth year with the love of my life.
Now that the year is at a close, I realize that I would not have lived any other way. I look forward with hope and faith that I will only grow. My faith in God has strengthened and the love in my heart has intensified. that’s all I can really ask for.
I have received a lot of unwarranted advice as to what I should do with my life, but I have learned that it’s really about what path I choose, and not having to please someone else. Whether I succeed or not is up to me…and honestly, I cannot say that I am much of a success right now. But, I can confidently say that I have learned and gained a lot.
Now 2009 is an opportunity to continue and improve myself. I have no reason not to continue my progress. I am grateful for all of the people who are in my life who have made me a better person.
I love you all. I mean it.
If I have learned anything in 2008, it’s this:
Life is full of purpose, but only if you empower yourself to find a purpose each day.
Happy 2009 to all of you.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Fairweather Faggot
I don't understand why a few of my fellow LGBTQ peeps point and shake a finger at me for not showing up to protests. I'm not going to apologize for not showing up. Excuse me for having a responsibility to my community and having to do volunteer work. How dare you claim that I am not a part of history just because I didn't rally along side with you. Get off your high horse and don't invalidate the cause. In case you forgot, we are running the same race. We are fighting the SAME INJUSTICE. If you are doing this for personal glory and recognition, you need to reassess your priorities my brothers and sisters. I am not any less passionate than you are. I am not any less oppressed. So check yourself before you judge your fellow LGBTQ peeps. We may all be in the same boat, but no one made your ass captain.
First of all, I am out and proud. I am a LIVING example to my church, students, friends, family, and community. What better way to protest than being a good example? Shame on you who point the finger at me and can't even tell your own family that you're gay. My parents voted no. I voted no. I did all I could to inform and educate voters. I donated MONEY to the fight even though I have NO job or any kind of income. So what do you expect from me? There are people in the LGBTQ community who did not vote. There are some who even voted yes on 8.
So was there more that I can do for the cause? Of course. Everyone could have done more. The fact is, that we all did our part and the only reason to point the finger is to point it in the right direction.
Let's fight together and RECOGNIZE what we can all do.
One voice makes a difference, but it makes a bigger impact when we all sing the same note.
I don't understand why a few of my fellow LGBTQ peeps point and shake a finger at me for not showing up to protests. I'm not going to apologize for not showing up. Excuse me for having a responsibility to my community and having to do volunteer work. How dare you claim that I am not a part of history just because I didn't rally along side with you. Get off your high horse and don't invalidate the cause. In case you forgot, we are running the same race. We are fighting the SAME INJUSTICE. If you are doing this for personal glory and recognition, you need to reassess your priorities my brothers and sisters. I am not any less passionate than you are. I am not any less oppressed. So check yourself before you judge your fellow LGBTQ peeps. We may all be in the same boat, but no one made your ass captain.
First of all, I am out and proud. I am a LIVING example to my church, students, friends, family, and community. What better way to protest than being a good example? Shame on you who point the finger at me and can't even tell your own family that you're gay. My parents voted no. I voted no. I did all I could to inform and educate voters. I donated MONEY to the fight even though I have NO job or any kind of income. So what do you expect from me? There are people in the LGBTQ community who did not vote. There are some who even voted yes on 8.
So was there more that I can do for the cause? Of course. Everyone could have done more. The fact is, that we all did our part and the only reason to point the finger is to point it in the right direction.
Let's fight together and RECOGNIZE what we can all do.
One voice makes a difference, but it makes a bigger impact when we all sing the same note.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
To the LBGT family and allies:
I believe that progress is alive and well. The ignorance and hate will be defeated if we continue to fight on. We will one day stop being oppressed by close-minded bigots who will NEVER experience the kind of oppression and discrimination we do right now.
It's funny to me that it had to take lies, misuse of children, ignorant use of religion, misleading people about the LACK OF RIGHTS, and over $30 million dollars to even TRY to defeat ideals of equality, truth and love. That is a reflection of the influence and strength of the LGBT community and allies. Our strength, knowledge, self-reliance, and passion will only grow. I am not sad for me as I am sad for the near future of the LGBT community. I will fight for all of us and overcome.
I will not give up.
I will fight for the weak and voiceless.
I will inform and educate the curious and scared.
I will fight to keep the future bright to all LGBT youth, families and friends.
If you voted yes on 8, I'm not going to go beneath myself and express my disdain through four-letter-words. You actually cared enough to state your opinion and voted. In fact, I can see the ideals you are looking for. You are concerned about families and the wellness of each member in it. You are concerned about the quality of education for our future. You honestly believe that gay people are equal already. You also have an outstanding religious fervor & belief.
If you have a gay family member, you took their rights away. That's not what family is about. "Traditional" family is a unit that works together. A "traditional" family recognizes the STRENGTHS in differences and celebrates it.
If you think that teaching discrimination is better than love, compassion and care, reassess yourself. That's not fair to our future.
To those who have children, remember that if they grow up to be gay, it wasn't their choice. In fact, you took away their choice to love freely. Maybe you'll think twice when it directly affects people beyond yourself. If you want to challenge that a child needs both a male and female role model...talk to single parents. Better yet...talk to me. I dare you to find significant evidence that "negatively affects" the children in a loving family unit. Gay parents care about their kids just the same...and it doesn't "make them gay." (Actually, what the hell is wrong about being a gay kid anyway?)
Gay rights are not equal. Why else would be fighting for it? Federal rights don't exist. Saying you aren't opposed to civil unions, but don't believe in gay marriage is a shitty rationale of equality. It's STILL discrimination. All I can say is "DOMA." Look it up. Seriously.
As far as religious belief goes, I am an active and educated Catholic. I would like to challenge YOU to serve your faith community and worship as I do. I'm sure there's a good chance that I do more at church in a week than you may do in a month. Being gay doesn't cast me into hell...and while we're at it, you're not exactly qualified to send anyone up or down in the afterlife either.
I respect your ideals, even though you may not respect mine. I see where you are coming from, but I hope that you see where I am.
This is not over. This will be a fight I will dedicate my life for. It is hard enough for Asian-Americans to have a visibility in our culture and society, but it is even tougher for an openly gay Asian-American. Next time, I will fight harder. I guarantee you that the fire in my heart will grow with intense passion and love. Whether I like it or not, I am a role model to so many people and I have an obligation to be an upstanding citizen.
This country's constitution starts off with, "We the people..." So tell me, who exactly is "we?" because the LGBT family doesn't seem to be included in that.
and that ladies and gentlemen...is INEQUALITY.
To those who didn't give a shit, and didn't vote on purpose...I hope one day you realize how powerful you are when you think of someone beyond yourself.
Homosexuality isn't a disease. However, homophobia is...and if YOU can't figure out a cure, it'll kill you.
I believe that progress is alive and well. The ignorance and hate will be defeated if we continue to fight on. We will one day stop being oppressed by close-minded bigots who will NEVER experience the kind of oppression and discrimination we do right now.
It's funny to me that it had to take lies, misuse of children, ignorant use of religion, misleading people about the LACK OF RIGHTS, and over $30 million dollars to even TRY to defeat ideals of equality, truth and love. That is a reflection of the influence and strength of the LGBT community and allies. Our strength, knowledge, self-reliance, and passion will only grow. I am not sad for me as I am sad for the near future of the LGBT community. I will fight for all of us and overcome.
I will not give up.
I will fight for the weak and voiceless.
I will inform and educate the curious and scared.
I will fight to keep the future bright to all LGBT youth, families and friends.
If you voted yes on 8, I'm not going to go beneath myself and express my disdain through four-letter-words. You actually cared enough to state your opinion and voted. In fact, I can see the ideals you are looking for. You are concerned about families and the wellness of each member in it. You are concerned about the quality of education for our future. You honestly believe that gay people are equal already. You also have an outstanding religious fervor & belief.
If you have a gay family member, you took their rights away. That's not what family is about. "Traditional" family is a unit that works together. A "traditional" family recognizes the STRENGTHS in differences and celebrates it.
If you think that teaching discrimination is better than love, compassion and care, reassess yourself. That's not fair to our future.
To those who have children, remember that if they grow up to be gay, it wasn't their choice. In fact, you took away their choice to love freely. Maybe you'll think twice when it directly affects people beyond yourself. If you want to challenge that a child needs both a male and female role model...talk to single parents. Better yet...talk to me. I dare you to find significant evidence that "negatively affects" the children in a loving family unit. Gay parents care about their kids just the same...and it doesn't "make them gay." (Actually, what the hell is wrong about being a gay kid anyway?)
Gay rights are not equal. Why else would be fighting for it? Federal rights don't exist. Saying you aren't opposed to civil unions, but don't believe in gay marriage is a shitty rationale of equality. It's STILL discrimination. All I can say is "DOMA." Look it up. Seriously.
As far as religious belief goes, I am an active and educated Catholic. I would like to challenge YOU to serve your faith community and worship as I do. I'm sure there's a good chance that I do more at church in a week than you may do in a month. Being gay doesn't cast me into hell...and while we're at it, you're not exactly qualified to send anyone up or down in the afterlife either.
I respect your ideals, even though you may not respect mine. I see where you are coming from, but I hope that you see where I am.
This is not over. This will be a fight I will dedicate my life for. It is hard enough for Asian-Americans to have a visibility in our culture and society, but it is even tougher for an openly gay Asian-American. Next time, I will fight harder. I guarantee you that the fire in my heart will grow with intense passion and love. Whether I like it or not, I am a role model to so many people and I have an obligation to be an upstanding citizen.
This country's constitution starts off with, "We the people..." So tell me, who exactly is "we?" because the LGBT family doesn't seem to be included in that.
and that ladies and gentlemen...is INEQUALITY.
To those who didn't give a shit, and didn't vote on purpose...I hope one day you realize how powerful you are when you think of someone beyond yourself.
Homosexuality isn't a disease. However, homophobia is...and if YOU can't figure out a cure, it'll kill you.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
No matter how things pan out, we must remember that history is made and progress is happening.
Los Angeles County has had biggest voter turnout since 1976.
Barack Obama IS THE PRESIDENT ELECT!
There are now at least 3 more fair-minded Senators.
There are now at least 9 seats picked up in the House of Reps.
(From HRC.com)
Historians will point to this election as a turning point in the long struggle for civil rights. Eight years of White House hostility toward LGBT Americans are finally over.
Here's what we know right now:
We will finally have an LGBT-friendly White House: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden.
Proposition 8 vote in California is still too close to call.
At this time, we helped elect new fair-minded allies in the Senate and in the House - including HRC endorsees Betsy Markey, Kay Hagan and cousins Tom and Mark Udall.
We can now pass critical LGBT equality measures like the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act and begin unraveling the damage of the last eight years.
_______________________________
Progress.
It's real now. A few years ago, about 70% of voters opposed gay marriage. Now, it's at about half. Whether prop 8 lives or dies, it's progress. In the next election, a new generation of voters will emerge and help decide the fate of the state and country.
In my lifetime, I would like to see the LGBT community and allies rise up and defeat this hate and ignorance. I would like to one day be married and be in weddings...maybe not in a church, but a CIVIL/LAWFUL marriage. I hope that the future is better informed of people's rights. No, civil unions are not the same. No marriage is not taught in schools. It's SEX EDUCATION. I hope one day "Domestic Partnership" is a term of the past and is replaced by "marriage equality."
I didn't choose love. I found it...and if prop 8 passes, then love was chosen for me. Love is not only between a man and woman. It is between two hearts that cannot deny its passion. It is between two people who willingly give themselves to each other.
There is no stronger people I know than gay people. Not only do we live everyday, but we live in an oppressed world that heterosexual people will never see. As Margaret Cho once said:
"If you laugh your ass off to Will and Grace but are against same sex marriage, f*ck you. You can't take the benefits of our culture and leave behind the burden of inequaltiy. That's like when white people stole rock and roll from black people in the 50's."
Change is in the air...and I hope that one day that you change for the better of not only the LGBT community, but for all people.
Los Angeles County has had biggest voter turnout since 1976.
Barack Obama IS THE PRESIDENT ELECT!
There are now at least 3 more fair-minded Senators.
There are now at least 9 seats picked up in the House of Reps.
(From HRC.com)
Historians will point to this election as a turning point in the long struggle for civil rights. Eight years of White House hostility toward LGBT Americans are finally over.
Here's what we know right now:
We will finally have an LGBT-friendly White House: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden.
Proposition 8 vote in California is still too close to call.
At this time, we helped elect new fair-minded allies in the Senate and in the House - including HRC endorsees Betsy Markey, Kay Hagan and cousins Tom and Mark Udall.
We can now pass critical LGBT equality measures like the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act and begin unraveling the damage of the last eight years.
_______________________________
Progress.
It's real now. A few years ago, about 70% of voters opposed gay marriage. Now, it's at about half. Whether prop 8 lives or dies, it's progress. In the next election, a new generation of voters will emerge and help decide the fate of the state and country.
In my lifetime, I would like to see the LGBT community and allies rise up and defeat this hate and ignorance. I would like to one day be married and be in weddings...maybe not in a church, but a CIVIL/LAWFUL marriage. I hope that the future is better informed of people's rights. No, civil unions are not the same. No marriage is not taught in schools. It's SEX EDUCATION. I hope one day "Domestic Partnership" is a term of the past and is replaced by "marriage equality."
I didn't choose love. I found it...and if prop 8 passes, then love was chosen for me. Love is not only between a man and woman. It is between two hearts that cannot deny its passion. It is between two people who willingly give themselves to each other.
There is no stronger people I know than gay people. Not only do we live everyday, but we live in an oppressed world that heterosexual people will never see. As Margaret Cho once said:
"If you laugh your ass off to Will and Grace but are against same sex marriage, f*ck you. You can't take the benefits of our culture and leave behind the burden of inequaltiy. That's like when white people stole rock and roll from black people in the 50's."
Change is in the air...and I hope that one day that you change for the better of not only the LGBT community, but for all people.
Voting Makes For Positive Attitudes
After Arnell voted at the polls I told him that we can get free stuff for voting. Since I voted by mail, I feebly asked for an "I Voted" sticker. The poll representative said, "You want the freebies, huh?" I laughed and nodded.
We went to Starbucks to get our free coffee and had a little impromptu breakfast. As I fixed up my coffee a 50-something woman approached Arnell and I and said hi. We started to talk about how this country needs change and how Obama has to win this election. "I hope he wins by a landslide. That'll give out a HUGE message." We talked about how huge this election is for everyone and how crazy the lines are to vote because no one wants to miss it. We then continued to talk about how cool it is to get free stuff and soon parted ways.
It's nice to know that people respond very positively after voting. There's some weird high that comes after leaving the poll. Personally, I think it's knowing that I have made a difference. My voice was heard in a quiet way. I now have the right to complain about this country if it's not what I wanted.
I am still praying that California gets it and kills Prop 8.
If you haven't voted today. GO!
After Arnell voted at the polls I told him that we can get free stuff for voting. Since I voted by mail, I feebly asked for an "I Voted" sticker. The poll representative said, "You want the freebies, huh?" I laughed and nodded.
We went to Starbucks to get our free coffee and had a little impromptu breakfast. As I fixed up my coffee a 50-something woman approached Arnell and I and said hi. We started to talk about how this country needs change and how Obama has to win this election. "I hope he wins by a landslide. That'll give out a HUGE message." We talked about how huge this election is for everyone and how crazy the lines are to vote because no one wants to miss it. We then continued to talk about how cool it is to get free stuff and soon parted ways.
It's nice to know that people respond very positively after voting. There's some weird high that comes after leaving the poll. Personally, I think it's knowing that I have made a difference. My voice was heard in a quiet way. I now have the right to complain about this country if it's not what I wanted.
I am still praying that California gets it and kills Prop 8.
If you haven't voted today. GO!
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Fuck Politics. This Is All Me.
In the 40’s and 50’s marriage was defined as between 2 of the “right (race)” people. It was supposedly going to destroy society. One judge even wrote, God separated the races into different continents and it was against God’s will to mix races. This is a ridiculous idea now. Gay marriage is inevitable, but it’s a matter of how long people will take to wake up and stop being ignorant.
So why is it bad that other couples want to join a beautiful commitment like marriage? Wouldn’t our marriage numbers just improve the crappy statistics already? What’s wrong with wanting a lifetime commitment with someone?
Everyone is concerned about children. They don’t care about whether you are gay or straight. They hope that you give them candy or take them to the park. They care that someone feeds them everyday. They care that someone wants to help them when they need it. And any GOOD parent would love them NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO or WHO THEY BECOME.
No one is asking the church to change any traditions. I want the law to change and abide to all citizens who have the ability to love. Domestic partnership is NOT the same thing as marriage. It’s NOT equal. The most significant difference between marriage and civil unions (or domestic partnerships) is that only marriage offers federal benefits and protections. Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) allows each state to choose whether or not to recognize a same-sex union that is recognized in another state. Talk about equality!
It boggles my mind that there are people out there that don’t believe that my love is the same as their love. It hurts when people tell me that I’m an immoral person just for loving someone for who he is. I have been judged all my life. I see younger gay men and women struggling to figure it all out…and to have a scared and ignorant society keep them from coming out. As a result of that gay teen suicide is 4 times higher than hetero teens.
Do your fucking homework before making assumptions of the “damaging” affects of gay marriage. I haven’t seen ONE substantial argument that validates YES on 8. Where is the democracy and freedom of ALL people when my rights are denied? Where is “life” when I’m not allowed to live out who I am? Where is “liberty” when I am not free to marry the one I (NOT YOU, not my friends, not my parents) love? Where is the “pursuit of happiness” if I am not allowed to pursue a future with someone who I love?
If you can sleep at night knowing you denied me (and our future) of rights and equal federal treatment...then don’t call yourself a moral person.
If you can’t see that LOVE is a beautiful thing between ANYONE, you don’t know what true love is.
If you think that I am hellbound, then come to church and serve as I do and go to mass with me.
I respect your opinions…even if they’re wrong. But oddly enough, there are many people who can’t respect my opinions…even when they’re right.
Let me lower my level for a sec for those who still don’t get it. If you still want to vote yes on 8, honestly, well...fuck you. It’s not my fault if you cannot grow into a better state of mind. It’s not my fault if you don’t care enough to know the real me. It’s not my responsibility to educate you if you don’t choose to open your mind. I have done more than enough to explain myself everyday of my fucking life…and now I have the chance to rise up and be an equal. I want you to come with me and be part of a better life for not only gay people…but for ALL people who know what love is.
I’m here.
I’m queer.
GET OVER IT.
1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 10
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
In the 40’s and 50’s marriage was defined as between 2 of the “right (race)” people. It was supposedly going to destroy society. One judge even wrote, God separated the races into different continents and it was against God’s will to mix races. This is a ridiculous idea now. Gay marriage is inevitable, but it’s a matter of how long people will take to wake up and stop being ignorant.
So why is it bad that other couples want to join a beautiful commitment like marriage? Wouldn’t our marriage numbers just improve the crappy statistics already? What’s wrong with wanting a lifetime commitment with someone?
Everyone is concerned about children. They don’t care about whether you are gay or straight. They hope that you give them candy or take them to the park. They care that someone feeds them everyday. They care that someone wants to help them when they need it. And any GOOD parent would love them NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO or WHO THEY BECOME.
No one is asking the church to change any traditions. I want the law to change and abide to all citizens who have the ability to love. Domestic partnership is NOT the same thing as marriage. It’s NOT equal. The most significant difference between marriage and civil unions (or domestic partnerships) is that only marriage offers federal benefits and protections. Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) allows each state to choose whether or not to recognize a same-sex union that is recognized in another state. Talk about equality!
It boggles my mind that there are people out there that don’t believe that my love is the same as their love. It hurts when people tell me that I’m an immoral person just for loving someone for who he is. I have been judged all my life. I see younger gay men and women struggling to figure it all out…and to have a scared and ignorant society keep them from coming out. As a result of that gay teen suicide is 4 times higher than hetero teens.
Do your fucking homework before making assumptions of the “damaging” affects of gay marriage. I haven’t seen ONE substantial argument that validates YES on 8. Where is the democracy and freedom of ALL people when my rights are denied? Where is “life” when I’m not allowed to live out who I am? Where is “liberty” when I am not free to marry the one I (NOT YOU, not my friends, not my parents) love? Where is the “pursuit of happiness” if I am not allowed to pursue a future with someone who I love?
If you can sleep at night knowing you denied me (and our future) of rights and equal federal treatment...then don’t call yourself a moral person.
If you can’t see that LOVE is a beautiful thing between ANYONE, you don’t know what true love is.
If you think that I am hellbound, then come to church and serve as I do and go to mass with me.
I respect your opinions…even if they’re wrong. But oddly enough, there are many people who can’t respect my opinions…even when they’re right.
Let me lower my level for a sec for those who still don’t get it. If you still want to vote yes on 8, honestly, well...fuck you. It’s not my fault if you cannot grow into a better state of mind. It’s not my fault if you don’t care enough to know the real me. It’s not my responsibility to educate you if you don’t choose to open your mind. I have done more than enough to explain myself everyday of my fucking life…and now I have the chance to rise up and be an equal. I want you to come with me and be part of a better life for not only gay people…but for ALL people who know what love is.
I’m here.
I’m queer.
GET OVER IT.
1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 10
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Really...
I don't think my brother couldn't have said it any better.
I don't think my brother couldn't have said it any better.
It sickens me to think about Prop 8. It's totally wrong. NOBODY should be discriminated against. NOBODY has the right to tell other people how to live their lives, who to associate themselves with, and especially whom people can and cannot love. I noticed that those who are saying YES to Prop 8 are very ignorant. Yes it's a little ironic that I am generalizing the "generalizers," but that isn't the point here. I've noticed that GENERALLY speaking, those who are for 8 are the following.
-Old White People (yeah, I said it)
-Old people in general
-Blindly religious
-Closed minded
-Discriminating
-Probably are afraid of minorities
-Homophobes (usually those who don't know any homosexuals or even deny knowing one)
Okay enough generalizations...
I want to clear things with you who intend on saying Yes to 8.
-People were somehow led to think that a church can be sued if the church declines a gay marriage.
Chruches do many things that it's conregation don't agree with, but it's not to a point where the church can have a lawsuit on their hands because of their own beliefs. This whole issue is a CIVIL ISSUE not a religious one.
-Schools will require to teach about gay marriage.
This has nothing to do with education. Schools teach about sex. Get over it. Penises and Vaginas are what we have. What we do with them is up to us. When was the last time you heard, "I'm gonna teach your child this material whether you like it or not!" Besides any good school and teacher would openly communicate with the parents of the students anyway. It will be known that sensitive subjects will be taught, and there is an option for the parents to not allow their child to take part. (Remember the good, old-fashioned permission slip?)
-People can be sued over their own beliefs.
Really now? Last time I checked, California law prohibits discrimination against race, religion, gender, or orientation. If this were true, sexual harassment wouldn't really be enforced. Or signs saying "Only whites allowed" would be in any type of establishment. Perhaps I wouldn't get a job because I am a Filipino.
This is a load of crap. Proposition 8 is stupid and should NOT be passed. Please vote NO on 8. Everyone is free to choose their lives. You wouldn't want people telling you how to live YOUR life. Parents, don't you get annoyed when other people tell you how to raise your own kids.
Let's think of it this way. People are so ignorant about this issue that these policies might as well be made. (just in case you are an idiot...the following is simply satirical)
-Buddhists, Muslims, and Taoists cannot get married. They are not of Christian values, therefore should not be allowed to marry. The laws are not solely based on religious values. Civil rights are rights for everyone. Not just "straight" people.
-People can ONLY marry those within their own race because they will ruin each others culture and heritage. Mixed marriages should be forbidden.
If supporters of Prop 8 can equate Gay marriage with Hitler. Then I can say this. If you support 8, you might as well be a KKK Member. You are SO discriminating, that you will do anything to not allow those outside of your narrow minded beliefs.
PLEASE VOTE NO ON 8.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
A Gay Ol' Time
Since the boyfriend is out of town, I decided to have a little boys night out with a couple of friends. After basking in a certain kind of "mature environment," I soon learned that there is a certain kind of mold in the gay world that I had no idea that I didn't really fit into, nor do I think I really want to be a part of. I guess it's just not me.
Now, let me preface this entry by stating this:
I am not suggesting that the people that I am about to blog about are in any way, condescending, rude, self-righteous, or anything really remotely negative. This is just me being an observer and these feelings arose in this given situation. In fact, they were all quite amiable.
Never in my little gay life have I felt out of place within a gay microcosm. As I sat in an expensive, well furnished, West Hollywood apartment, I felt the least "gay" (for lack of a more useful description) in a well-mannered and well kept group of a socially-conscious gay herd of LA. I introverted myself in my oddly hemmed Seven Jeans, H&M shirt and New Era Tokidoki hat. I was in the middle of these seemingly cavalier gay men who exuded such a vibe of "perfection" that it was almost pretentious to me. Each iPhone wielding, designer denim wearing, well toned male made me feel so odd and stupidly self-conscious about myself and my place in life. They were all cut from the same mold and all meshed well together. Seriously, I dressed like a high-schooler next to them...but at least I thought I looked cute. =)
"Damn," I thought to myself, "I didn't realize that I prefer the company of a more 'ghetto' gay group." Not that they were a bad group... It's just that I really felt like that half shriveled brown fry in your extra value meal that no one really wants to eat.
During bouts of solitude, I would text my boyfriend to ease the awkwardness cloud that enveloped me. I would hide my broke-ass sidekick under the table in hopes no one notices how jacked up my phone is.
As the drinks continued to flow in the apartment, I gained the liquid courage to try to converse with all of them. I really felt out of place, but they were all at least congenial towards me...not that I had anything really substantial to offer.
With all things considered, I had a great time and met some people. I was pretty tossed since I drank with them. After all, I didn't want to leave a bad impression on a new group that I have been introduced to.
Yeah, we all say that we wouldn't try to fit into some mold...but wait till a certain kind of eye is watching you. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite content with who I am, but I had a little glimpse of my gay future and honestly... I don't know how I really feel about it.
Just grow up, be successful, be myself, and take shit from NO ONE.
Thanks. Though a rocky start, I had a fun boys night out.
Since the boyfriend is out of town, I decided to have a little boys night out with a couple of friends. After basking in a certain kind of "mature environment," I soon learned that there is a certain kind of mold in the gay world that I had no idea that I didn't really fit into, nor do I think I really want to be a part of. I guess it's just not me.
Now, let me preface this entry by stating this:
I am not suggesting that the people that I am about to blog about are in any way, condescending, rude, self-righteous, or anything really remotely negative. This is just me being an observer and these feelings arose in this given situation. In fact, they were all quite amiable.
Never in my little gay life have I felt out of place within a gay microcosm. As I sat in an expensive, well furnished, West Hollywood apartment, I felt the least "gay" (for lack of a more useful description) in a well-mannered and well kept group of a socially-conscious gay herd of LA. I introverted myself in my oddly hemmed Seven Jeans, H&M shirt and New Era Tokidoki hat. I was in the middle of these seemingly cavalier gay men who exuded such a vibe of "perfection" that it was almost pretentious to me. Each iPhone wielding, designer denim wearing, well toned male made me feel so odd and stupidly self-conscious about myself and my place in life. They were all cut from the same mold and all meshed well together. Seriously, I dressed like a high-schooler next to them...but at least I thought I looked cute. =)
"Damn," I thought to myself, "I didn't realize that I prefer the company of a more 'ghetto' gay group." Not that they were a bad group... It's just that I really felt like that half shriveled brown fry in your extra value meal that no one really wants to eat.
During bouts of solitude, I would text my boyfriend to ease the awkwardness cloud that enveloped me. I would hide my broke-ass sidekick under the table in hopes no one notices how jacked up my phone is.
As the drinks continued to flow in the apartment, I gained the liquid courage to try to converse with all of them. I really felt out of place, but they were all at least congenial towards me...not that I had anything really substantial to offer.
With all things considered, I had a great time and met some people. I was pretty tossed since I drank with them. After all, I didn't want to leave a bad impression on a new group that I have been introduced to.
Yeah, we all say that we wouldn't try to fit into some mold...but wait till a certain kind of eye is watching you. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite content with who I am, but I had a little glimpse of my gay future and honestly... I don't know how I really feel about it.
Just grow up, be successful, be myself, and take shit from NO ONE.
Thanks. Though a rocky start, I had a fun boys night out.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Birthday.
Today just seems a little more bitter than sweet. My mom just sent me an email saying that she has packed her personal belongings and leaving the office.
Let me explain.
So just recently, Lehman Brothers reported a $4 billion dollar loss and has filed for bankruptcy. My mom would be lucky to still be employed by them. She has invested over 25 of her life to that company and now it's all gone.
I still have no job and I have less than $6 in my name. However, I did get paid by Hilton for the job I did this past July. BUT, it's under my company name and not to me personally. I haven't registered as a business yet, so guess what? I can't access it.
To make things worse, I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to actually have the money to see Janet Jackson. At this point, I'm not even going to hold my breath. I'm not expecting to be able to go to one of her concerts.
The one thing I actually want for my birthday may not be possible now.
On the upside, I have begun the process of registering A OK as a small business. Here goes nothing.........
Today just seems a little more bitter than sweet. My mom just sent me an email saying that she has packed her personal belongings and leaving the office.
Let me explain.
So just recently, Lehman Brothers reported a $4 billion dollar loss and has filed for bankruptcy. My mom would be lucky to still be employed by them. She has invested over 25 of her life to that company and now it's all gone.
I still have no job and I have less than $6 in my name. However, I did get paid by Hilton for the job I did this past July. BUT, it's under my company name and not to me personally. I haven't registered as a business yet, so guess what? I can't access it.
To make things worse, I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to actually have the money to see Janet Jackson. At this point, I'm not even going to hold my breath. I'm not expecting to be able to go to one of her concerts.
The one thing I actually want for my birthday may not be possible now.
On the upside, I have begun the process of registering A OK as a small business. Here goes nothing.........
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Not For Me?
I'm starting to think that designing isn't for me. I'm starting to doubt myself. It's like this whole world of design doesn't get me. I have entered different design contests only to lose to the worst possible winner...and when I did have a moment in the spotlight NO ONE CAME TO SEE IT.
I've lost to four bad Janet Jackson album covers.
I've lost to really poor logo concepts.
and now...I lost to a RAINBOW ZEBRA Coach bag that was 175th place, a typographic nightmare, and an unrealistic anime design. EVEN THE FUCKING PENGUIN FROM HELL GOT AN HONORABLE MENTION.
COACH RESULTS
As a designer and an artist, I'm feeling really defeated. I'm really not sure if I'm even good enough to be this big deal that I think of myself as. Don't get me wrong, I am sincerely validated by many people who are close to me, but I'm starting to see that the general public and now even supposed "experts" don't make sense. What if I'm really not as creative as I think I am? What if I'm just a guy who just KNOWS his software?
I don't know if I'm good enough to be successful right now.
For lack of a better word, I'm done.
I'm starting to think that designing isn't for me. I'm starting to doubt myself. It's like this whole world of design doesn't get me. I have entered different design contests only to lose to the worst possible winner...and when I did have a moment in the spotlight NO ONE CAME TO SEE IT.
I've lost to four bad Janet Jackson album covers.
I've lost to really poor logo concepts.
and now...I lost to a RAINBOW ZEBRA Coach bag that was 175th place, a typographic nightmare, and an unrealistic anime design. EVEN THE FUCKING PENGUIN FROM HELL GOT AN HONORABLE MENTION.
COACH RESULTS
As a designer and an artist, I'm feeling really defeated. I'm really not sure if I'm even good enough to be this big deal that I think of myself as. Don't get me wrong, I am sincerely validated by many people who are close to me, but I'm starting to see that the general public and now even supposed "experts" don't make sense. What if I'm really not as creative as I think I am? What if I'm just a guy who just KNOWS his software?
I don't know if I'm good enough to be successful right now.
For lack of a better word, I'm done.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Faster. Higher. Stronger.
I love the Olympics!
I also think that the panda mascots are super cute. =)
but that's sooooo besides the point. ha.
For 2 weeks I've stressed out over games, checked scores & standings CONSTANTLY, and loved every minute of it. It's not often all of MY favorite sports are on. Pretty hetero of me, eh? hahahaha.
The way I see it, it's like the Olympic games is the world's 2 week vacation from work.
The world comes together for a common purpose: to put aside differences and politics and celebrate the human spirit.I've always been inspired by the sports, stories, struggles, & successes of athletes during the games. I love watching the raw emotion and these people are just passion personified.
I can care less if people think I'm lame for being moved by the ceremonies. How can you NOT be happy seeing the world celebrate?! I love the Bird's Nest Stadium, the Water Cube...actually the whole effin Olympic green is an architectural feat.
Whether it's the USA team or not, the success and failure drives me. It reminds me that I can do anything if I really put my whole self into an idea. I must be able to focus my energy into a true passion in life. It's not always about winning the gold...it's about the journey to even have the chance at it.
To those, who don't understand why the Olympics is such a HUGE deal, don't focus on the sports. Take a look at the people and who they are...not so much how well they perform. Their stories are, to me, epic.
To be the best of the best...that's something I need to work on becoming. I claim to have a passion, but is there are flame burning for it?
Just a few of my favorites...
Misty & Kerri
Dalhausser & Rogers
Lolo Jones
Michael Phelps
Dara Torres
Shawn Johnson
Nastia Liukin
Jonathan Horton
Raj Bhavsar
Bryan Clay
USA Men's Basketball
USA Men's & Women's Volleyball
...so many more people have inspired me...and I am grateful for them.
Thanks Beijing. I'm dreaming once again. I guess you're never really too old to dream.
Goodbye 2008 Olympics. It's been a trip.
I love the Olympics!
I also think that the panda mascots are super cute. =)
but that's sooooo besides the point. ha.
For 2 weeks I've stressed out over games, checked scores & standings CONSTANTLY, and loved every minute of it. It's not often all of MY favorite sports are on. Pretty hetero of me, eh? hahahaha.
The way I see it, it's like the Olympic games is the world's 2 week vacation from work.
The world comes together for a common purpose: to put aside differences and politics and celebrate the human spirit.I've always been inspired by the sports, stories, struggles, & successes of athletes during the games. I love watching the raw emotion and these people are just passion personified.
I can care less if people think I'm lame for being moved by the ceremonies. How can you NOT be happy seeing the world celebrate?! I love the Bird's Nest Stadium, the Water Cube...actually the whole effin Olympic green is an architectural feat.
Whether it's the USA team or not, the success and failure drives me. It reminds me that I can do anything if I really put my whole self into an idea. I must be able to focus my energy into a true passion in life. It's not always about winning the gold...it's about the journey to even have the chance at it.
To those, who don't understand why the Olympics is such a HUGE deal, don't focus on the sports. Take a look at the people and who they are...not so much how well they perform. Their stories are, to me, epic.
To be the best of the best...that's something I need to work on becoming. I claim to have a passion, but is there are flame burning for it?
Just a few of my favorites...
Misty & Kerri
Dalhausser & Rogers
Lolo Jones
Michael Phelps
Dara Torres
Shawn Johnson
Nastia Liukin
Jonathan Horton
Raj Bhavsar
Bryan Clay
USA Men's Basketball
USA Men's & Women's Volleyball
...so many more people have inspired me...and I am grateful for them.
Thanks Beijing. I'm dreaming once again. I guess you're never really too old to dream.
Goodbye 2008 Olympics. It's been a trip.
Friday, August 08, 2008
GO WORLD!
I absolutely LOVE the Olympic games. I always so inspired by the ceremonies, the stories, the imagery, and the intensity. There are so many feelings for me when I see the games. Maybe to some, it doesn't mean much to see the triumph of the human spirit. Maybe the games don't inspire others as it inspires me.
Yeah, I'm sentimental. I'm cheesy, I know... but to see the world come together is a HUGE sight to see.
Good luck to all involved in the Beijing games. Finally...TV with real skill.
I absolutely LOVE the Olympic games. I always so inspired by the ceremonies, the stories, the imagery, and the intensity. There are so many feelings for me when I see the games. Maybe to some, it doesn't mean much to see the triumph of the human spirit. Maybe the games don't inspire others as it inspires me.
Yeah, I'm sentimental. I'm cheesy, I know... but to see the world come together is a HUGE sight to see.
Good luck to all involved in the Beijing games. Finally...TV with real skill.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
I would like to thank all of you who have supported me for the past 2 weeks. All of the prayers, comments, ratings, votes, emails, bulletins, forums, and everything in between have pushed my design as far as it can go...and I thank you.
I put my heart into this bag...I didn't design it for me. I didn't design it because I thought it was "cute." I designed it to reflect who I am as a designer. I don't think for myself, but what I see in the world. I want to SHARE myself to others, not make what I believe is good for ONLY me.
I dedicate this experience to everyone who has ever had an idea and ran with it. This design is for the person who is constantly overlooked and never recognized for anything. It is for those who long to inspire as well as those who need inspiration. It's for everyone who needs someone to believe in them.
I have learned that people really believe in my design. I have come to realize that my network of friends and family is the best part of this competition. Validation is all I really wanted and thanks to all of you, I understand the capacity of my abilities as a person and as a designer.
Whether I win or lose, I know that I'm a winner because I learned so much. I learned that though the general public may be pretty ignorant, I can count on my peeps to get me through it all.
My advice to you is: go with your heart AND your gut. Your heart moves you while the gut sustains you. Always dream big and don't let anyone tell you you're crazy...
Nice guys don't finish last...they finish right.
Thank you for believing in me and thank you for being there for me.
It's in God's hands now. Wish me luck and please keep me in your prayers. I will certainly update you on the results in a few weeks.
http://www. brickfish. com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView. aspx?picid=565511_66448899&pid=950013&scid=293&
Humbly yours,
Mark
I put my heart into this bag...I didn't design it for me. I didn't design it because I thought it was "cute." I designed it to reflect who I am as a designer. I don't think for myself, but what I see in the world. I want to SHARE myself to others, not make what I believe is good for ONLY me.
I dedicate this experience to everyone who has ever had an idea and ran with it. This design is for the person who is constantly overlooked and never recognized for anything. It is for those who long to inspire as well as those who need inspiration. It's for everyone who needs someone to believe in them.
I have learned that people really believe in my design. I have come to realize that my network of friends and family is the best part of this competition. Validation is all I really wanted and thanks to all of you, I understand the capacity of my abilities as a person and as a designer.
Whether I win or lose, I know that I'm a winner because I learned so much. I learned that though the general public may be pretty ignorant, I can count on my peeps to get me through it all.
My advice to you is: go with your heart AND your gut. Your heart moves you while the gut sustains you. Always dream big and don't let anyone tell you you're crazy...
Nice guys don't finish last...they finish right.
Thank you for believing in me and thank you for being there for me.
It's in God's hands now. Wish me luck and please keep me in your prayers. I will certainly update you on the results in a few weeks.
http://www. brickfish. com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView. aspx?picid=565511_66448899&pid=950013&scid=293&
Humbly yours,
Mark
Friday, July 25, 2008
ABDC = Another Bad Decision Called
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a hater on the team but...
Ailyn is a talented girl with a great team, but seriously, that whole kawawa parents deal is really old. SHUT. UP.
Most Filipino parents frown on anything that's not Nursing, Medical or law or any of those typical expectations. My parents didn't approve on me doing Graphic Design. I know that my parents had a change of heart once they did their homework and realized the potential for success. I mean, I know that there have been peeps from my generation and later who succumb the parents who don't want them to pursue their real dream.
Look, I admire her drive to dance, but having your parents hate on that isn't something new. It shouldn't be a sob story to play on TV. You have a girl who lives in her car. A father who's in a coma. There's even a dancer who's deaf for God's sake...and you complain about that? Your dream should be about you and not the approval of your parents.
MODEL MINORITY MYTH anyone? (Geez, look it up.) Not to be totally cynical, but do you think her parents realized how much publicity and monetary potential is around now that she's on effin television?
Don't even pull that sympathy vote that way. To think, the public was hating on Joey claiming they were pulling a sympathy vote. ugh. Sympathy is for the weak...and sorry Ailyn, your story is WEAK.
This season just went to hell for me. The bottom teams each episode makes no sense anymore.
Fuck yeah...ASiiD was ROBBED and I'm still pissed about that. In fact, that bottom 2 last week was stupid too. They rocked that speed challenge.
What a stupid popularity contest. Naively, I thought it was supposed to be about skill remember?! ugh. If I'm gonna vote, I'm gonna vote for the team that deserves it.
whatever. hate on me all you guys want. i'm keepin it real like JC did tonight.
gah. this damn show got me all mad tonight. grrrrrrrrr...
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a hater on the team but...
Ailyn is a talented girl with a great team, but seriously, that whole kawawa parents deal is really old. SHUT. UP.
Most Filipino parents frown on anything that's not Nursing, Medical or law or any of those typical expectations. My parents didn't approve on me doing Graphic Design. I know that my parents had a change of heart once they did their homework and realized the potential for success. I mean, I know that there have been peeps from my generation and later who succumb the parents who don't want them to pursue their real dream.
Look, I admire her drive to dance, but having your parents hate on that isn't something new. It shouldn't be a sob story to play on TV. You have a girl who lives in her car. A father who's in a coma. There's even a dancer who's deaf for God's sake...and you complain about that? Your dream should be about you and not the approval of your parents.
MODEL MINORITY MYTH anyone? (Geez, look it up.) Not to be totally cynical, but do you think her parents realized how much publicity and monetary potential is around now that she's on effin television?
Don't even pull that sympathy vote that way. To think, the public was hating on Joey claiming they were pulling a sympathy vote. ugh. Sympathy is for the weak...and sorry Ailyn, your story is WEAK.
This season just went to hell for me. The bottom teams each episode makes no sense anymore.
Fuck yeah...ASiiD was ROBBED and I'm still pissed about that. In fact, that bottom 2 last week was stupid too. They rocked that speed challenge.
What a stupid popularity contest. Naively, I thought it was supposed to be about skill remember?! ugh. If I'm gonna vote, I'm gonna vote for the team that deserves it.
whatever. hate on me all you guys want. i'm keepin it real like JC did tonight.
gah. this damn show got me all mad tonight. grrrrrrrrr...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
34 Days Later
So I haven't seen Arnell in almost 5 weeks. He was supposed to be gone for just a weekend. I miss him like crazy, but our recent fight really got me worried. Absence seriously makes the heart grow fonder.
Part of me thinks I'm just thinking too much...
Part of me is wondering what my future is with him...if any. =(
All of me loves him...
I keep thinking that him and I aren't going to be together much longer because he wants to move back to the bay. I'm certainly not opposed to a long term relationship, but how well would it work after living together for so long?
I hate feeling like shit when I'm supposed to be excited about my graduation Vegas party coming up.
In other news, I have cleaned out my room. There is so much that we don't need here and things just need to be thrown away, donated and reorganized. I hate to say it, but he's the one who has so much stuff that I don't know what to do with. He doesn't even purge mail promptly. I found mail that's 3 years old.
I threw away so much of my stuff that it's not even funny. I have donated a lot of my old clothing or just sent them to the Philippines.
Well, back to cleaning, worrying with a little bit of crying in between.
ugh.
So I haven't seen Arnell in almost 5 weeks. He was supposed to be gone for just a weekend. I miss him like crazy, but our recent fight really got me worried. Absence seriously makes the heart grow fonder.
Part of me thinks I'm just thinking too much...
Part of me is wondering what my future is with him...if any. =(
All of me loves him...
I keep thinking that him and I aren't going to be together much longer because he wants to move back to the bay. I'm certainly not opposed to a long term relationship, but how well would it work after living together for so long?
I hate feeling like shit when I'm supposed to be excited about my graduation Vegas party coming up.
In other news, I have cleaned out my room. There is so much that we don't need here and things just need to be thrown away, donated and reorganized. I hate to say it, but he's the one who has so much stuff that I don't know what to do with. He doesn't even purge mail promptly. I found mail that's 3 years old.
I threw away so much of my stuff that it's not even funny. I have donated a lot of my old clothing or just sent them to the Philippines.
Well, back to cleaning, worrying with a little bit of crying in between.
ugh.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Burnin' Up
I just saw ASiiD perform on ABDC. Now, if you don't already know, Joey is a good friend of mine. I've known him before Arnell and I got together. Crazy, eh?
Anyway, I am such a crybaby! I saw them just rock the hell out of that stage and welled up with pride.
I'm so proud of Joey mainly because I remember our late night conversations about how he wants to just dance. I remember his odd jobs he used to work at. I remember always laughing at the stupidest stuff. Most of all, I remember the great, deep, and spiritual conversations we've had.
Hopefully there will be a chance to meet up with him while he's here. If not, then I'll go visit him myself. haha.
I LOVE YOU JOEY!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!
GO ASiiD!!!!!
I just saw ASiiD perform on ABDC. Now, if you don't already know, Joey is a good friend of mine. I've known him before Arnell and I got together. Crazy, eh?
Anyway, I am such a crybaby! I saw them just rock the hell out of that stage and welled up with pride.
I'm so proud of Joey mainly because I remember our late night conversations about how he wants to just dance. I remember his odd jobs he used to work at. I remember always laughing at the stupidest stuff. Most of all, I remember the great, deep, and spiritual conversations we've had.
Hopefully there will be a chance to meet up with him while he's here. If not, then I'll go visit him myself. haha.
I LOVE YOU JOEY!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!
GO ASiiD!!!!!
1600th post
I was hoping this post would be a happy one. However, I feel like I'm walking in the dark.
So many joyous events have taken place as of now. I proclaimed 2008 as a year of major change, but I overlooked the potential of negative changes.
Since he doesn't want to talk online, then I'll just spill my feelings here. I feel so alone and scared.
I haven't seen Arnell for about 3 weeks now. I understand that he's been reconnecting with family. I understand that he misses everything and everyone there. I have no problems with him being there because who wouldn't want to be close to their family? I miss him like crazy. It hurts so much.
But when someone in mid-rant says that he's in a tough position and follows that with, "I don't want to do this online..." what am I supposed to think?!
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but THAT seems like a dealbreaker is going to follow that. So now, I'm home while he's there for another week and all I'm doing is worrying. What the hell does he mean by that? How am I supposed to take that?
Okay, if he wants to move back to the bay, then that's not something I can argue with. What kind of person would I be to deny him his roots? Does he want to break up with me? I don't know. Is there someone else? I don't know. I know that seems a little paranoid of me, but he has given me NOTHING to go on. Mad? No. I'm just freaking the hell out. I'm frustrated. I'm just sitting here...waiting.
It's going to be 4 years in August, but let's face it. The relationship has to either die out or grow further. If he's not ready to move forward, then this a waste of my time right now. Not to say that the time leading up to now is a waste...but you get what I'm saying. I'm not forcing or rushing marriage. That's stupid. I'm not gonna lie. I hate the fact that there are some obstacles he can't get over. I hate the fact that I know his whole freaking family and never met his parents. Yeah, it's unfair for me to expect certain things because circumstances are different, but we're adults. Aren't you proud of me?
If you love someone you can set them free, and if he comes back then yes, it was meant to be. It's not that I want to break up our relationship. It's not that I think we need a break, but this limbo that I'm in...is NOT cool.
I've been prepping myself mentally for the worst. I know that I may be blowing things out of proportions, but if I'm right, at least my mindset is prepared.
I feel less and less important as days go by. My anxiety grows exponentially every night. I have so much trouble sleeping lately. All I do is worry, cry and pray.
So what is it?
What do you want from me?
It's stupid. Here I am giving advice to all these people, and yet I'm here feeling so alone...feeling so sorry for myself. And for what? I really have no idea, but it certainly feels like a bad storm is coming.
If you're not ready for me. Pack your stuff and get out of my house. I'll be waiting and hoping for you to come back...and if you don't, then I just may die as a single man with a broken, unfulfilled heart.
I have no one to talk to about this...so I just let it all out here on this stupid fucking blog.
All I've been doing is getting ready for the rest of my life. I've been throwing away everything that I don't need. I've been researching for a new car. I've been
After my first boyfriend, a wise brother once told me, "If it's not mad, crazy, passionate love, then it's a complete waste of your time."
I hope, with all my being, that I'm not a waste of time.
I love him and I can't imagine loving someone else like I love him. I'm a bad person for putting him between a rock and a hard place.
I was hoping this post would be a happy one. However, I feel like I'm walking in the dark.
So many joyous events have taken place as of now. I proclaimed 2008 as a year of major change, but I overlooked the potential of negative changes.
Since he doesn't want to talk online, then I'll just spill my feelings here. I feel so alone and scared.
I haven't seen Arnell for about 3 weeks now. I understand that he's been reconnecting with family. I understand that he misses everything and everyone there. I have no problems with him being there because who wouldn't want to be close to their family? I miss him like crazy. It hurts so much.
But when someone in mid-rant says that he's in a tough position and follows that with, "I don't want to do this online..." what am I supposed to think?!
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but THAT seems like a dealbreaker is going to follow that. So now, I'm home while he's there for another week and all I'm doing is worrying. What the hell does he mean by that? How am I supposed to take that?
Okay, if he wants to move back to the bay, then that's not something I can argue with. What kind of person would I be to deny him his roots? Does he want to break up with me? I don't know. Is there someone else? I don't know. I know that seems a little paranoid of me, but he has given me NOTHING to go on. Mad? No. I'm just freaking the hell out. I'm frustrated. I'm just sitting here...waiting.
It's going to be 4 years in August, but let's face it. The relationship has to either die out or grow further. If he's not ready to move forward, then this a waste of my time right now. Not to say that the time leading up to now is a waste...but you get what I'm saying. I'm not forcing or rushing marriage. That's stupid. I'm not gonna lie. I hate the fact that there are some obstacles he can't get over. I hate the fact that I know his whole freaking family and never met his parents. Yeah, it's unfair for me to expect certain things because circumstances are different, but we're adults. Aren't you proud of me?
If you love someone you can set them free, and if he comes back then yes, it was meant to be. It's not that I want to break up our relationship. It's not that I think we need a break, but this limbo that I'm in...is NOT cool.
I've been prepping myself mentally for the worst. I know that I may be blowing things out of proportions, but if I'm right, at least my mindset is prepared.
I feel less and less important as days go by. My anxiety grows exponentially every night. I have so much trouble sleeping lately. All I do is worry, cry and pray.
So what is it?
What do you want from me?
It's stupid. Here I am giving advice to all these people, and yet I'm here feeling so alone...feeling so sorry for myself. And for what? I really have no idea, but it certainly feels like a bad storm is coming.
If you're not ready for me. Pack your stuff and get out of my house. I'll be waiting and hoping for you to come back...and if you don't, then I just may die as a single man with a broken, unfulfilled heart.
I have no one to talk to about this...so I just let it all out here on this stupid fucking blog.
All I've been doing is getting ready for the rest of my life. I've been throwing away everything that I don't need. I've been researching for a new car. I've been
After my first boyfriend, a wise brother once told me, "If it's not mad, crazy, passionate love, then it's a complete waste of your time."
I hope, with all my being, that I'm not a waste of time.
I love him and I can't imagine loving someone else like I love him. I'm a bad person for putting him between a rock and a hard place.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
GRADUATION DAY
Today was the first day of the rest of my life. haha.
We all knew that this was going to be a year of change, good change. Today was my turn.
It seemed like this day was never going to happen...but I felt ready. That fire inside me finally grew and pushed me.
A lot has gone on since the last post.
1. No one went to see my exhibit, BUT I won't discount the fact that boyfriend tried to go 3 times. We were at the the gallery but it was closed each time.
2. Lei is ready to give birth any day now.
3. Portfolio Review was quite humbling but promising.
4. I recently reconnected with an old high school english teacher. I've been trying to find him for 8 years.
5. Boyfriend is out for a new job. I hope it goes well and he's happy.
Let's see what 2008 has in store for me. This year has really been quite a ride. Thank you God for all the blessings I've received so far.
Today was the first day of the rest of my life. haha.
We all knew that this was going to be a year of change, good change. Today was my turn.
It seemed like this day was never going to happen...but I felt ready. That fire inside me finally grew and pushed me.
A lot has gone on since the last post.
1. No one went to see my exhibit, BUT I won't discount the fact that boyfriend tried to go 3 times. We were at the the gallery but it was closed each time.
2. Lei is ready to give birth any day now.
3. Portfolio Review was quite humbling but promising.
4. I recently reconnected with an old high school english teacher. I've been trying to find him for 8 years.
5. Boyfriend is out for a new job. I hope it goes well and he's happy.
Let's see what 2008 has in store for me. This year has really been quite a ride. Thank you God for all the blessings I've received so far.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Who the fuck CARES?
For anyone who cares to know...this is what defeat looks like.
I was selected to be in the annual juried art show. I left the campus art gallery reception early because no one showed up to see my selceted work with me. For the first time I was validated as a real artist and NO ONE was there to share it with me.
I never would have imagined how embarrassing it was to be the ONLY one who had no one else to introduce to people. I saw all of my classmates with friends, family members, lovers, etc etc etc and it just hurt more and more to stay in the gallery. I felt like an idiot for making a shirt that went with my art piece. I had to try so hard not to cry while I walked to my car.
The best part is, whenever I see that piece that I made, I'm just going to remember how I felt today.
For anyone who cares to know...this is what defeat looks like.
I was selected to be in the annual juried art show. I left the campus art gallery reception early because no one showed up to see my selceted work with me. For the first time I was validated as a real artist and NO ONE was there to share it with me.
I never would have imagined how embarrassing it was to be the ONLY one who had no one else to introduce to people. I saw all of my classmates with friends, family members, lovers, etc etc etc and it just hurt more and more to stay in the gallery. I felt like an idiot for making a shirt that went with my art piece. I had to try so hard not to cry while I walked to my car.
The best part is, whenever I see that piece that I made, I'm just going to remember how I felt today.
Monday, April 14, 2008
The Beginning of the End
I got my commencement handbook in the mail today. So that means that my paperwork was cleared and now I get to walk!
Today, I'm feeling a little bittersweet about it. Sweet: For the obvious reasons...I'M GRADUATING!!! Bitter: Well, boyfriend and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now. Of all of the times in my life, I need him to be there. I want him to be happy for me. I hate that we're not happy.
Lately, we've both been pretty stressed about our respective lives. No. I'm not speaking for him...and with that said...
When I get mad I don't feel like it matters. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough. I'd like to think that I don't have to always be the bad guy. It's impossible to ALWAYS be wrong, right? I get it. We're both stubborn, but really... I can only give in so much.
I digress.
I'm certainly at a crossroads. My future seems so scary right now. What's even worse, is that I'm scared that he may choose not to be in my future.
Now...to get my cap and gown.
Welcome to the rest of your life, Mark.
I got my commencement handbook in the mail today. So that means that my paperwork was cleared and now I get to walk!
Today, I'm feeling a little bittersweet about it. Sweet: For the obvious reasons...I'M GRADUATING!!! Bitter: Well, boyfriend and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye right now. Of all of the times in my life, I need him to be there. I want him to be happy for me. I hate that we're not happy.
Lately, we've both been pretty stressed about our respective lives. No. I'm not speaking for him...and with that said...
When I get mad I don't feel like it matters. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough. I'd like to think that I don't have to always be the bad guy. It's impossible to ALWAYS be wrong, right? I get it. We're both stubborn, but really... I can only give in so much.
I digress.
I'm certainly at a crossroads. My future seems so scary right now. What's even worse, is that I'm scared that he may choose not to be in my future.
Now...to get my cap and gown.
Welcome to the rest of your life, Mark.
Friday, March 28, 2008
The A OK fashion biz is pretty cool
It's been up for its first week and I really appreciate the response and compliments that everyone has expressed. I am truly blessed to have kind & generous people supporting me.
Hot Items this past week:
1.
"HoneyPot" Tote [ @ the AOK Boutique ]
(http://www.cafepress.com/aokboutique.243280415)
2. AOK Logo Hooded Sweatshirt [ @ the design store ]
(http://www.cafepress.com/aokdesign.242709502)
It's been up for its first week and I really appreciate the response and compliments that everyone has expressed. I am truly blessed to have kind & generous people supporting me.
Hot Items this past week:
1.
"HoneyPot" Tote [ @ the AOK Boutique ]
(http://www.cafepress.com/aokboutique.243280415)
2. AOK Logo Hooded Sweatshirt [ @ the design store ]
(http://www.cafepress.com/aokdesign.242709502)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
I Don't Know
I realized that this is my journal. I haven't really written about my feelings in a while. My feelings in this post aren't sudden. I guess it's just a collection of thoughts that have been meandering in my head recently. No. They did not fester for a long time. Its just a recent assessment I've made ever since early February.
Sometimes, I don't know if I'm on the right path. I guess lately, I'm not sure if he's what I want. Now, I'm not saying that I want to break up with him... I just don't know if I make my boyfriend happy sometimes.
I don't know if he sees me as attractive.
I don't know if he knows that sometimes I feel taken advantage of.
I don't know if he realizes that I do so much for him.
I don't know if he'd really want to marry me.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that he loves me and I love him very much. I know that he talks about me all of time to other people. They say that he talks about me a lot. It makes me feel really good. I don't doubt that he loves me. I don't question his heart. However, there are some things about him that I still don't really like. Yes. I guess you can say I overlook them, but I can't always glaze over it, you know? I hate the fact that he smokes. I HATE IT. Wasn't he supposed to quit??? Cutting down is NOT quitting. Let's be honest, I've thought about letting him go because of the cigs. I hate it. I hate the fact that he's killing himself about it. I'm not even going to start about what else is killing me. I'm scared of him when it comes to that side. It confuses me. I haven't had that "opportunity" to talk to him about it. I didn't want to dampen his trip to the bay. I didn't want to add any drama after his dog was put to sleep. I mean, ugh. I don't know.
He was telling me about how he was talking to someone who was commenting on his Coach duffle THAT I GAVE TO HIM. He was asked who had given it to him and he thought of every possible answer that wasn't me. He told her that his friends gave it to him and she replied, "I need to be friends with your friends!" I was fuming inside. Nice to know that his friends got credit for the hard work and money for it. Why can't he say that his boyfriend gave it to him? I don't know but I was denied and I was pretty hurt by it. If it were me, I wouldn't hesitate and proudly say that my boyfriend gave it to me.
I have to admit that the good definitely outweighs the bad. Everyday life just drifts me away from these things. I love him. I do. I do. I do...but sometimes I just wish he'd step away from certain things.
I'm not mad. I'm not upset about anything, but I just feel like I needed to vent this out. I don't know when the right time will be and I know that there isn't such time.
Is it the doubt that's speaking? Sure. Everyone doubts a good thing. It's stupid to assume that relationships are all about sunshine and lollipops.
I'm not declaring a rocky time. I don't want to break up with him.
I don't know... I'm just venting.
I realized that this is my journal. I haven't really written about my feelings in a while. My feelings in this post aren't sudden. I guess it's just a collection of thoughts that have been meandering in my head recently. No. They did not fester for a long time. Its just a recent assessment I've made ever since early February.
Sometimes, I don't know if I'm on the right path. I guess lately, I'm not sure if he's what I want. Now, I'm not saying that I want to break up with him... I just don't know if I make my boyfriend happy sometimes.
I don't know if he sees me as attractive.
I don't know if he knows that sometimes I feel taken advantage of.
I don't know if he realizes that I do so much for him.
I don't know if he'd really want to marry me.
I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that he loves me and I love him very much. I know that he talks about me all of time to other people. They say that he talks about me a lot. It makes me feel really good. I don't doubt that he loves me. I don't question his heart. However, there are some things about him that I still don't really like. Yes. I guess you can say I overlook them, but I can't always glaze over it, you know? I hate the fact that he smokes. I HATE IT. Wasn't he supposed to quit??? Cutting down is NOT quitting. Let's be honest, I've thought about letting him go because of the cigs. I hate it. I hate the fact that he's killing himself about it. I'm not even going to start about what else is killing me. I'm scared of him when it comes to that side. It confuses me. I haven't had that "opportunity" to talk to him about it. I didn't want to dampen his trip to the bay. I didn't want to add any drama after his dog was put to sleep. I mean, ugh. I don't know.
He was telling me about how he was talking to someone who was commenting on his Coach duffle THAT I GAVE TO HIM. He was asked who had given it to him and he thought of every possible answer that wasn't me. He told her that his friends gave it to him and she replied, "I need to be friends with your friends!" I was fuming inside. Nice to know that his friends got credit for the hard work and money for it. Why can't he say that his boyfriend gave it to him? I don't know but I was denied and I was pretty hurt by it. If it were me, I wouldn't hesitate and proudly say that my boyfriend gave it to me.
I have to admit that the good definitely outweighs the bad. Everyday life just drifts me away from these things. I love him. I do. I do. I do...but sometimes I just wish he'd step away from certain things.
I'm not mad. I'm not upset about anything, but I just feel like I needed to vent this out. I don't know when the right time will be and I know that there isn't such time.
Is it the doubt that's speaking? Sure. Everyone doubts a good thing. It's stupid to assume that relationships are all about sunshine and lollipops.
I'm not declaring a rocky time. I don't want to break up with him.
I don't know... I'm just venting.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Design...Gone Retarded
http://www.magmypic.com/
Websites like this really piss me off. It's one thing to do something cute, but when it looks ridiculous, it really reflects badly. You can't water down design or layouts into a shitty template.
Great. It makes the uncreative look even more uncreative.
Bad photos + bad layouts = MORE BAD.
To add insult to injury, there's an ad for the stupid site at the bottom.
I guess I'm being a jerk because I expect more creatively than the stupid cookie cutter crap out there.
http://www.magmypic.com/
Websites like this really piss me off. It's one thing to do something cute, but when it looks ridiculous, it really reflects badly. You can't water down design or layouts into a shitty template.
Great. It makes the uncreative look even more uncreative.
Bad photos + bad layouts = MORE BAD.
To add insult to injury, there's an ad for the stupid site at the bottom.
I guess I'm being a jerk because I expect more creatively than the stupid cookie cutter crap out there.
Monday, February 11, 2008
CARRY YOUR DAMN OWN PURSE!
Okay, I've just been noticing this lately...
Why do girls give their purses to their boyfriends to carry? There's no point to carrying a purse if you're not the one who's going to wear it. Sure, it's sweet for the guy to carry it for her, but geez...no need to be lazy. There's no need to emasculate your man just because you don't want to carry it. Take fewer things or get a smaller bag. sheesh!
If you don't want to carry a large bag, get a smaller one.
Sorry, it's been annoying me.
Okay, I've just been noticing this lately...
Why do girls give their purses to their boyfriends to carry? There's no point to carrying a purse if you're not the one who's going to wear it. Sure, it's sweet for the guy to carry it for her, but geez...no need to be lazy. There's no need to emasculate your man just because you don't want to carry it. Take fewer things or get a smaller bag. sheesh!
If you don't want to carry a large bag, get a smaller one.
Sorry, it's been annoying me.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
COME OUT ALREADY!
I know that for some it's hard to come out. But there are some people who are just dragging it out and taking people with them. I won't use real names so I'll use my own. Mark needs to just come out of the closet. I've seen the same struggle, but it's frustrating to know that Mark can't come to grips with himself. He has a girlfriend. I wonder if she's even had an inkling. I had a girlfriend too, but I knew that I was totally kidding myself. Apparently, so is Mark.
With that said, I want to make this world into a place where you don't have to come out. I want to help make this world safe so we can just be who we are. There wouldn't be any reason to hide.
To all my "Marks," No one had to tell me your secret...but eventually you have to. Be who you are. Trust your friends... more importantly... trust yourself.
Sorry, it's annoying to see you guys live your lies. I feel sorry for you and I can't help you unless you come out to yourselves.
I know that for some it's hard to come out. But there are some people who are just dragging it out and taking people with them. I won't use real names so I'll use my own. Mark needs to just come out of the closet. I've seen the same struggle, but it's frustrating to know that Mark can't come to grips with himself. He has a girlfriend. I wonder if she's even had an inkling. I had a girlfriend too, but I knew that I was totally kidding myself. Apparently, so is Mark.
With that said, I want to make this world into a place where you don't have to come out. I want to help make this world safe so we can just be who we are. There wouldn't be any reason to hide.
To all my "Marks," No one had to tell me your secret...but eventually you have to. Be who you are. Trust your friends... more importantly... trust yourself.
Sorry, it's annoying to see you guys live your lies. I feel sorry for you and I can't help you unless you come out to yourselves.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Humble Pie
I went back to choir today. I haven't been to Mass in a long time. I've always been working and I just can't get up early to go to church and then drag my ass to work for at least 9 hours. I've been wanting to go back to church. I mean, how pathetic is it of me to help direct Confirmation class and not even go to Mass. That's inexcusable!
Upon my return, I discovered that my favorite solo part was given to someone else. Naturally, I knew that I'm the better soloist and I was taken back by it. I wanted to sing it and let myself go. It would have been a great feeling to start my "triumphant" return to choir.
However, after stepping back, I realize how selfish I was being. I remembered that I have to EARN that place. I have to prove myself and EARN the privilege to sing that solo part. Just like I need to earn back my place in choir. HELLO?! I've been gone so long so what made me think that I was just going to be handed the part?
The point of me going back to mass was to to worship. NOT take a selfish opportunity to glorify myself for 30 seconds. When I was walking down to receive the Eucharist, I remembered what the point was. If I cannot sing that solo, I have to be a part of the team and ENCOURAGE the person who did earn that privilege. I have to make sure that he sang it as well if not better than I have. I'm part of a team...rather, a body. I have to do what I can to glorify Christ.
I should be happy I was given the opportunity to come back. I am fortunate to have open arms welcoming me back to the group.
This year is about change.
I'm coming back to church.
I want to graduate.
I'm working on a better and more mature ME.
Sometimes I need that slice o' humble pie.
I went back to choir today. I haven't been to Mass in a long time. I've always been working and I just can't get up early to go to church and then drag my ass to work for at least 9 hours. I've been wanting to go back to church. I mean, how pathetic is it of me to help direct Confirmation class and not even go to Mass. That's inexcusable!
Upon my return, I discovered that my favorite solo part was given to someone else. Naturally, I knew that I'm the better soloist and I was taken back by it. I wanted to sing it and let myself go. It would have been a great feeling to start my "triumphant" return to choir.
However, after stepping back, I realize how selfish I was being. I remembered that I have to EARN that place. I have to prove myself and EARN the privilege to sing that solo part. Just like I need to earn back my place in choir. HELLO?! I've been gone so long so what made me think that I was just going to be handed the part?
The point of me going back to mass was to to worship. NOT take a selfish opportunity to glorify myself for 30 seconds. When I was walking down to receive the Eucharist, I remembered what the point was. If I cannot sing that solo, I have to be a part of the team and ENCOURAGE the person who did earn that privilege. I have to make sure that he sang it as well if not better than I have. I'm part of a team...rather, a body. I have to do what I can to glorify Christ.
I should be happy I was given the opportunity to come back. I am fortunate to have open arms welcoming me back to the group.
This year is about change.
I'm coming back to church.
I want to graduate.
I'm working on a better and more mature ME.
Sometimes I need that slice o' humble pie.
Friday, February 01, 2008
New Beginnings
I know I haven't been writing much. I have been running around trying to get shit done. I suppose now that this is 2008, it's time to change things around.
If you don't know, I worked for Coach for a brief period of time. Yes, I milked that discount for what it was worth.
Maybe quitting wasn't such a bad idea. haha. I calculated the retail value and it ended up being about $1600 worth of merch.
Actually, here are the top 3 performers:
1. Me $1600
2. Mom $1300
3. Boyfriend $1000
However, in all fairness, my mom did buy a bag with my discount, but that's the value she received during Christmas. It's amazing to think that between the 3 of us, we carry almost $4000 worth of Coach product. Some locations can't even make that in a day.
Anyway, I am now starting my final semester of school. I have decided to take all 18 units at once and I quit my job. I want to focus on graduating and getting my life started.
I hope that I can maintain myself and be a mature student. I did pretty well last semester so I need to keep that momentum going. No distractions. No excuses.
I really need to continue documenting things!
I know I haven't been writing much. I have been running around trying to get shit done. I suppose now that this is 2008, it's time to change things around.
If you don't know, I worked for Coach for a brief period of time. Yes, I milked that discount for what it was worth.
Maybe quitting wasn't such a bad idea. haha. I calculated the retail value and it ended up being about $1600 worth of merch.
Actually, here are the top 3 performers:
1. Me $1600
2. Mom $1300
3. Boyfriend $1000
However, in all fairness, my mom did buy a bag with my discount, but that's the value she received during Christmas. It's amazing to think that between the 3 of us, we carry almost $4000 worth of Coach product. Some locations can't even make that in a day.
Anyway, I am now starting my final semester of school. I have decided to take all 18 units at once and I quit my job. I want to focus on graduating and getting my life started.
I hope that I can maintain myself and be a mature student. I did pretty well last semester so I need to keep that momentum going. No distractions. No excuses.
I really need to continue documenting things!
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