It Came & Went

This year has definitely had its ups and downs. I turned 25. I’m about to graduate college. I’m going be an uncle to a new child. I traveled. I was forced to quit my job. I met a friend for the first time. I lost a loved one. I’m still in love. It’s never a normal year…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It started with me missing Arnell’s 27th birthday party because of the Year 1 Confirmation retreat. No worries. It’s commonplace. I hate having to miss it EVERY year. However, I did start the year with a successful retreat. Upon coming home, I surprised him with a limousine to the closing night of The Lion King. Beb, never say that I can’t surprise you. You’ll never know what’s up my sleeve and in my wallet. Ha.

Unfortunately, Lolo Ben passed away not too long after that. I have never seen my cousins so sad before. I was sad to him go too. I’ve never met anyone who was so proud to be a grandfather. He will always dance in our hearts.

With every low, a high must follow to balance us. Two of my best friends FINALLY said “I do.” Randy and Patricia honored me by asking me to design for their wedding. I have never been so inspired to design. A trip to Cabo San Lucas soon followed. The trip allowed me to grow closer to friends and we all learned to avoid the “Herbies.” I had the munchies for the first time and I suppose it will be the last. I’ll never forget the fireworks at night…nor will I forget the fireworks between Tanya and I. ha. I also learned that Burger King doesn’t carry Horchata. I went snorkeling for the first time. I experienced so much. Cabo will definitely be trip I will never forget.

Another wedding happened just weeks after Cabo. This time, I flew out to Maui. Riva and Kuya Brian had a picturesque wedding. Though that trip was shortlived, I met an old friend for the first time. Seeing Rodel’s success inspired me to get a move on with life. His talent was so apparent and it’s obvious why he was so in demand. I had to do a little damage control at the rehearsal dinner, but I suppose that’s what family is for. God has a plan that’s bigger than us…rather than fighting it. I went with it. Being in the middle isn’t such a hot place to be.

July brought about a little fun too. I got to be in the audience pool of “So You Think You Can Dance?” I was able to meet some celebs and got to go backstage too.

I finally got to leave Pumpkin Patch after 2 years. I suppose we agreed to disagree and I still think that it sucks to be the only manager not to have a nice send off. It’s good to know that I was able to make an impact in the store and in the company. Fuck it. I’m glad I’m gone from that place. No one deserves an aloof and uncaring boss. With that, I left for Vegas.

I know that I will not be meeting my boyfriend’s parents anytime soon. However, meeting and getting to know the rest of his family was something I really wanted. I never thought that his relatives (and their dog) would love me so much. His cousins were thrilled to have me over since I fixed a lot of techie stuff around the house. I was glad to do it. Maybe one day, I will fully be part of his family, but for now, I’m happy that I got to meet and fit in with part of his family.

During that trip, I had 2 companies fight for me. Lucky Brand and Coach were willing to employ me, and after some offers, Coach won me over. I ended the year by showering many loved ones with Coach gifts. I have to say that the hard, stressful work REALLY paid off. Now, I’m giving myself a big pat on the back with Coach products. Hey, I deserve it.

2007 is ending with 2 expectant mothers, a cousin and best friend moving away, and a drive to graduate.

I have learned a lot this past year. I have my health, my family and my lover. After a journey like 2007, I could not ask for anything more.

Here’s to an awesome 2008.

Why is it so hard to be happy right now?

I mean, I have so much on my plate and I feel like I'm choking on it. It's funny how I'm doing all this holiday shopping, but it's not making me really happy as much as I thought it would.

So I suppose this is a little warning to everyone...not to mess with me right now. I guess my fuse is pretty short and my patience is low.

Maybe when my storm finally subsides, I'll let the sunshine in.







ugh.

Brava, J.K. Rowling

Thank you for taking a step into tolerance.

Wasted

Late this morning my tasks were disturbed by a horrifying sound. A rolling BOOM waved through the computer room. It sounded like a devestating car crash. It was. Fortunately no one was hurt. Arnell and I ran around the corner and saw that it all happened in front of my friend, Jan's house. There were 4 damaged cars. One was rammed into a brick wall on the sidewalk, while the truck that caused all of the damaged was totaled. Frankly, I was surprised that the driver was still alive. He was clearly incoherent and couldn't speak straight. He was so indifferent about everything too.

The driver was an 18 year old male. He was drunk and sideswiped 2 parked cars before ramming another parked car so hard it slammed into a residential brick wall. We could only imagine if someone was on the sidewalk or in any of the cars. The damage was REALLY bad.

Though, the funniest moments came in the form of a ticket for an idiot almost running people over and a little old lady who was hoping for compensation for her wall and her "big" plants and trees.

It struck me that this kid was SO stupid as to endanger his life and the lives of others to drive totally wasted. Obviously he didn't have any real friends around to stop him from doing so. Lord knows what he's being charged with. Frankly, he's fuckin lucky that he didn't kill anyone.

The idiot wasted his life being wasted. How fucking pathetic.

Family Matters

I went on a small trip with Arnell to Las Vegas. We had stayed at his Tita Jane's place. I didn't get to do anything I wanted to do while I was there.

The Strip? No.
Sushi-Mon? No.
Original Pancake House? No.
Getting sloshed? No.

I was a little apprehensive about meeting family members. I am always conscious of my actions as I do not know who would be connected to his parents. No. His parents are NOT cool with the gay thing. So...that means that they would totally hate me.


It means a lot that I can meet a part of his family, but it scares me when I can't be myself around people. I love the fact that the family in Vegas has loved me and I love them a lot. I'm glad that we really got to know each other. I guess it means more because I will probably never get to meet his parents...and even if I did, I don't know if they would even respect me since he and I have been together for over 3 years and counting. Hearing his aunts and cousins express how much they like me is the closest I'll be getting to his family...

His family dynamic is different, they're not so reserved as tends to be. They do silly projects together but my family is so scared of having a sense of humor sometimes.

I hope that his family continues to accept and love me. I certainly love the ones that I have met so far. I am glad that I was able to fit in with them and feel like family.

Who cares if I didn't get to do what I wanted to do? I got to seize a rare opportunity and gained something from it. I am welcome in a home and a family. That means a lot to me. It means a lot to have his relatives love me. They referred to me as a "keeper."

This is a huge step for me.

Neglect

I suppose it's been waaay to long since I've written. I have to admit that I have been so busy trying to get things back in order. Ever since school started, it's been a whirlwind of good and bad. I have constantly thought about updating this website, and I'm sure that no one really even goes back to read this anymore.

So what has been blogworthy?

1. My 25th Birthday
I must say... Arnell really put a lot of hard work and even put our friends & family to work. He really won my heart by throwing me a Gay Prom. As much as they all stressed and all of the stall tactics they could think of, I knew something was afoot. ha. Yes, it will be a birthday I won't soon forget. (But no gifts? what's up with that? haha)

2. I lost my stupid job. Whatever, I'm glad to leave that stupid place. Why is it that I can't be appreciated. I tend to be taken for granted at my workplace. Fuck them. That store is going to hell now that I'm gone.

3. Went to Gay Day at Disneyland this year. I had a really good time.

4. I have been really bad at Platinum Club's FitClub lately. It's like since I turned 25 things haven't been the way I'd like them to be.

5. Hung won TOP CHEF! Haha, I have to admit I have a little secret crush on him. I mean come on...a guy who can cook?! I know right....



Now with that all out of the way...

I haven't been too happy with life lately. My funds are running out fast and I have to find a job or I won't get to go to New York. I hate the fact that so many bad things had to happen and I've been struggling to get back on my feet. I want to be happy again. I want to be bubbling with life like I used.

Whatever.

Let's see what this trip to Vegas does to my spirit. I can't way to see LISA!


woot.





(Let's hope that I don't neglect my blogger!)

Here's a flyer for me and my twin bro's 25th birthday celebration part 1!

Holy shit, i'm getting old yo.

Can you believe that I'm with GIRLS?!

I know right.

I'm awesome.

and you'd be awesome too if you came to celebrate with me!

My First Prescription Sunglasses



I haven't owned a pair of prescription sunglasses before. I was thinking about getting new frames, but the Gucci pair I have is still in really good shape. I'll be getting them in 2 weeks and a year supply of contact lenses. Being double covered is awesome. Yes, I got Gucci again. I had to match them right? hahaha. I'm pathetic.



(Wow, I haven't had a shallow, pointless blog entry in a while. haha. Yay me.)

CHEER ME ON!

Follow my fitness progress here!

Check out my progress and the progress of everyone else in the program!

Here's to a sexy (sans the "bitch" part) me!

I think it's cute that my parents like to play Wii bowling together on the Wii.

Fuck, I just realized that I'm going to be 25 in less than a month.

Thinking Keeps Me Awake At Night

The boyfriend is really close to moving out of the house and into his own space with one of his best friends, Jeff. I am not necessarily bothered by the fact that he's leaving. I think that it's great that he will have a place of his own. The fact that we've been living together for over 3 years makes this whole separation thing seem like a downgrade to me. Let's be honest. Most couples strive to achieve the patience and ability to live with their counterpart...well, at least that's how I see it. We agreed that this will be another test for our relationship. So we'll see how this goes.

The reason I'm up at this ungodly hour is because I keep thinking. I honestly wonder when him and I would get our own space to share. Would it really happen once I'm actually stable? There are just some issues that concern me and cause me to think him and I won't be sharing a home of our own. I know that we can live together. Duh, we've done it for quite a while now. The thing is, it's so much easier for him to have a space like this with a friend rather than a lover. It's obviously easier to explain. Sometimes, when we're out I wish I didn't have to be so cautious of how I interact with him. There's really not much I can do about that. Yeah, it bothers me, but in the end I love him anyway.

I always dream about living in an amazing place. I keep imagining our photos and our artwork gracing the walls. I always imagine seeing this amazing black and white photo of us greeting me on a countertop whenever I enter the room. I dream about a living room that HE put together because Lord knows that he is very particular about how a room should look. I can smell the dinner he's making since he can cook much better than I can...

I guess I oughta snap out of it. I suppose him and I will cross that bridge when we get to it. I am that point in my life where I know I want to turn a house into a home...and I hope that I'm not wasting my time if my dream doesn't come true.

No. I'm not doubting the relationship. I've jokingly tell him that he's the one who has to propose to me. That way I'll know that he's ready. Jokes are half truth, right? Will WE ever be ready? We'll see. But for now, I'm very happy with him and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm just scared and obviously thinking way too much if I'm up this early.

Fuck. Turn off, BRAIN! You need to sleep.

“Love is like a painting. In the beginning it is only an idea, but over time it is built up through errors and corrections till you have a breath taking work of art for all to see.”

-unknown

After 3 years there was a question that was asked: "Aren't you sick of it yet?" I didn't understand the question. There's no limit for the need to be loved. Everyday he tries hard to keep me going. In the little gestures he does, to the words and tone he uses, I know that there is no limit to my potential. So now. I understand how one can make another a better person. He. Makes. Me. Better.

There is only one thing that I am sick of though. I am sick of not knowing the perfect way to express my love. However, I express it as best as humanly possible. He is the closest thing that I will ever comprehend as perfection. I always thought that it didn't exist. I was wrong. Perfection exists in at least two parts that achieve a difficult balance.

In the past three years I learned that there are three phrases that are vital in any relationship.

In no particular order...
1. Thank you.
2. I'm sorry.
3. I love you.

Without these words, I realize a real relationship cannot thrive.

Perfection comes in parts...as many as it is necessary. Arnell is my missing part. He balances my chaos. He is everything I want and need.

Thank you for wholeheartedly loving all of me. If time was money, you have made me a millionaire. I hope you like your gift.







Happy Anniversary. 32J.

Motivation & Change

Lately, I have found myself to be unmotivated and sleeping excessively. I haven't motivated to really improve and get my shit together. I'm so lazy that I can't even keep up with my blogger. geez.

I have been looking at myself in the mirror and feeling really insecure. I want to have a good reason to improve my image and take control of my life. FOR ONCE, I'd like to look in the mirror and be content. In the gay world, there's so much pressure to look certain way. Obviously it doesn't help my dysmorphia.

I looked the mirror the other day and wanted to start a change. I have many friends who have started going to the gym and eating better. I feel like I have no control of who I am because I'm just being fucking lazy. I started my change by shaving my head. I figured I should have a constant reminder of change. I need to start...and I need to move.

I'm in the home stretch of school and I can't afford to fuck up again. I can't sit there and assume that I'm gonna be a success. I have to work on it. I need to set the tone and really work my ass off.

I'm going to be 25 and I really feel like I don't have much to show for myself. Sure, you all can tell me that I have a lot. It's not that I don't believe you, it's just I need to be impressed with myself. I'm done wishing...

As my brother would say, "Don't talk about it, be about it."

I Guess Life Is...

Good. I don't really have anything to complain about. I suppose that my life has been a bit mundane since I got back from Maui. I've made some friends while I was there and I was able to put a few things into perspective. Now that I know where I want to go, how do you get there?

So yes, life is treating me kindly. However, I just haven't been feeling too pleased with myself. I feel like I'm in some sort of rut. I want to be mentally, physically and spiritually stronger. I want to feel like I am more of a success, rather than wasted potential.

I'm going to be 25 and I really don't have much to show for myself. At least, that's how I see it. I know that I have accomplished many things, but as far as life goals go, I haven't checked anything off that list in a while.

I've been looking at myself in the mirror and haven't been too content with myself in a very long time. How can I face myself if I feel like I've been wasting my days away?

Ronnell was telling me I should join a gym and have him train me. I mean, I'm sure that it would be a great reason to hang out with him. Maybe it'll be therapeutic. Besides, I'm not 19 anymore. I gotta rip it up myself all over again.

I've made a new friend recently. His name is Jonathan. (Before you all make that effing assumption, we are JUST FRIENDS. He's happily taken and so am I.) He became a pen pal after we met in Maui. Part of me wishes I never met him. Don't get me wrong, he's a cool guy. It's just that he's 26 and he's done so much in his life already. I, on the other hand, look pathetic next to him. I'm not going to get into specifics. Just take it as it is. Blah.

I need to regain control of my life. I'm kind of tired of being ashamed of myself. Dammit, I'm such a slob.

Yeah, sure...life is good. But, mind and body...bad.

Kreatively Dreaming

I am now in Kihei on the island of Maui. It has been a long time coming for me to meet Rodel, a friend I have remained in touch with for years. Today was the first day we met in person after numerous AIM and phone conversations. We hung out and exchanged stories & artistic techniques while he gave me an impromptu tour of the area.

The highlight of the tour for me (besides the sweet guri-guri) was his studio. I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by a sense of determination. To see his amazing work adorning his walls and sensing how much people respect his talent made me put things back into perspective. I felt like I could be a great designer and make a name for myself. I mean come on, he has a radio commercial. SHEESH!

His photos captivated me and his humility drove me to a place I haven't been to in a while. I said to him, "This is amazing. Don't ever give up." I guess I should heed my own advice. When I thought I was defeated, I stepped into a "kreative dream" and realized that being creative was something I was called to be. After being smacked in the face with creativity, I know that I can rely on him for advice or an encouraging presence.

Sure, I'm here for a wedding and it may seem selfish that I'm focusing more on what I want out of life, but this is a retreat from everything I loathe and love at home.

Thanks Rodel...you have done more for me than you know.

So I am in the famous "area" in Hollywood. I am totally in awe of how the people tend to be fake and void of any real personality. I've always wanted to be socially elite but if you're here you'd wonder what robbed these people of a soul. I always thought I was meant for the high life. However, I think I would turn the high class world upside down. I have class and I don't need Gucci shoes to prove that. I want to be more than the guy who is envied. I will be the the one who is well established but down to earth. I have a humble background... after all I was born with a wooden spoon (and fork) in my mouth. Don't get me wrong. I can't lump all of the people here as completely spoiled degenerates. In fact, the people I am with are awesome.

I don't think a 26 dollar shot of tequila means you're ballin. It's in the attitude you carry and how you treat others. Maybe its the practical side of me, but I think the wealth of the world lies in how and why you spend your time and money and not how much money you can blow on a single serving of alcohol.

Yes, I can say that I am having an okay time with a little bit of work. I guess outsiders looking in would say that I'm heterophobic but really...if you were here you just might realize how ridiculous socially elite circles can be. Maybe my tune would change if I'm the one buying the bar making sure my company is enjoying themselves. I hardly ever spend large amounts of money. I guess I'm just mad that my boyfriend felt so obligated to pay $40 for a drink someone else poured. All this time random people are just tippin the gray goose like they bought the bar. I really just don't feel like being here and I certainly didn't want to show up in the first place.

I love Hollywood...but power is nothing without skill and a social scene is NOTHING with people who love you for who you are and not what you spend.

Part of me wished I stayed home. It takes a lot out of me to pretend I'm having fun. Sitting here watching people having a good time isn't really what I had in mind for a night out.


Whatever. Yes. My mood went bad pretty quickly. I'll make the most of what's left of the night.

Oh...thanks saving the night Jeff. Sorry about the fight.

5,492,746,312,736,380 Apologies

I know that I am totally guilty of not updating for a really long time. Let's do a short recap, shall we?

April 15, 2007 - Grandest. Wedding. EVER.
Randy and Patricia got MARRIED! I have never been to a bigger wedding than this one. It was soooo luxuriously beautiful and classic.

April 21 - 24, 2007 - CABO SAN LUCAS!
It was one of the best trips I have had to date. =)

Well, there are a few other things that happened from then to now but I can't really recall them all at the moment. I have been definitely living it up.

______________________________

Yes, right now I'm totally happy, but I just wish I had done better in school. I have slipped a little here and there and I think I could have done better. I really feel undisciplined. I walked through the Oviatt quad and saw all of the white chairs that have been laid out. I imagined myself sitting among the graduates. Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of inadequacy came over me. My graduation has been delayed since the classes I wanted to take in Summer are not being offered. I think I am going to take some winter courses to get other things out of the way.

As off 5:35pm summer break starts and mediocrity ends. After this summer I will be 25. Not only do I want to look back but I want to be able to look forward with pride and accomplishment. I really can't sit and play anymore. I have grow up, but I can't seem to break out of my shell.

I need to continue to strive to be a better lover.
I need to clean my space and rearrange my room.
I need to make room for a new wardrobe.
I need to get healthy and fit. (Body by Wii? haha)
I NEED TO FINISH SCHOOL.

I want to feel good about myself and feel confident for a change. I want to look in the mirror and know that I can live through the rest of my day as best as I can. I haven't been feeling too great about myself lately...including today. I feel like I haven't been a good teacher, brother, lover, and friend. I need to get my shit straightened out.

At least for now...let's celebrate. School's out for the semester.

Prom Romp

Many of the kiddies at work are going to prom. I've been to a handful of proms in my hay day, however, MY senior prom was the best. I loved that night. =)

I'm jealous of all of them.

Even though I've been through the typical prom experience, I've always wanted to go to a gay prom. I never had the opportunity to have MY own knight in shining armor. I've never been able to take pictures with a REAL date. (Not to say that I didn't have a good time with the girls I went with.) I want to slow dance with him under the glistening lights.

It's funny how back in my senior year, there weren't any out couples that went together. Nowadays, it's so easy for younger gay teens to express themselves. I've always wanted it. I've always wanted to go have a great night.

Maybe I'll never really go to a gay prom.


After all, I've never told him about it. =\

God Exists

The sun is beaming brightly, and a slight comforting breeze follows me where ever I go. However, today wasn't really an ideal day at school. My apparel certainly reflects my current mood. I look like I'm headed to to the gym and I don't look remotely decent.

I was NOT feeling the project I had turned in. I told my professor that I was anything but inspired and had a hard time with the project. After talking to him about my project, I felt a little better since I had a new and better direction.

I had a two hour break today, since a class got cancelled. I wasn't really in the best of moods. I bought a light, healthy lunch and sat on a shady bench. As I ate, I prayed and listened to see if God had anything to say to me. I popped in my headphones and I meditated a bit. "God please assure me that I'm going to be okay." I asked. Just then "Ordinary people" by John Legend was running towards its end. "Take it slow..." he repeated. A strong gust embraced me. I smiled to myself and thought, "The only way I can change my course is to just DO IT. Take it slow."

Arnell always tells me to take one thing at a time. I needed him and I missed him as I ate my lunch alone.

I think I'll take one day at a time and be better. I need to be able to look back on my day and see at least one thing I did that made a difference in my life.

God exists.

Love Actually

I suppose it has been a while since you saw me last.

My life has been nothing to write a blog about. Although, there HAS been daily moments I thought about sharing.

The only thing on my mind as of late (beside's someone's birthday) has been...well... love. A friend asked me, "How do you keep that spark alive? I would think that the big romantic things stop eventually and you just get 'comfortable' with each other."

I told her that the longer you're with someone, the more you realize that it's the small things that are the most important. I don't always have to indulge in expensive things or meals. I mean, they're really fun, but it's not necessary to do it ALL the time.

I know he loves me when he calls me from work "just because."
I know he loves me when he sneaks into my bed before he gets ready for work.
I know he loves me when he makes fun of me.
I know he loves me when he makes funny faces.

I know he loves me. Period.

It would be easy to blog about what I've done during the day. But, I think that it's more interesting to know what's actually in my head rather what I had for lunch. So yes. Love has been a common theme and frankly the only idea I thought was worth writing about.

I'm a big fan of love...of all kinds.

As he snores, I think about what he's done for me today. That's what makes me sleep easy.

Now, I just have to get some homework done.

DG = Damn Good

Look what came in the mail today. I'm happy. It was a tad impulsive to buy sunglasses, but hey they're for CABO.

Playing Catch Up

I finally feel like I'm just about caught up with school. I can use this weekend to try to get more things done and hopefully get ahead. I've been out of wack lately and I need to get my schedules down cold.

I can't really say that there's anything really wrong with my life. I guess I just need time to recollect myself and look at the big picture. Though I'm a tad uninspired, I just need to crank it out and go for it.

Next week is gonna be an interesting week. I have lots of hours to work and i have 2 midterms to study for.

I really should enjoy my retreat this weekend. I need it.

Meh.

I made my choice.

These or these???






I cant decide between the two. I like them both.

The Dolce & Gabbana is a current model as the Chanels are a 2005 model.

The Chanels are smaller and isn't as loud as the D&G pair.

D&G is about $100 cheaper.

DAMMIT! I need to decide soon.

Would You Sign My Yearbook?



Last night, a friend of mine sent me a picture message. It was a picture of my senior portrait in the ERHS class of 2000 yearbook.

I never wanted a yearbook as an underclassman. I wanted the excitement of getting one for my senior year.

Getting that picture message made me kind of sad. Back then, my parents were not able afford my senior portraits, let alone my yearbook. We barely had enough for me and Sim's senior dues. When I finally scraped up enough money, I was denied a yearbook. The school had run out by the time I got there. I was too late.

To this day, I still want my senior yearbook. I've always wanted it...and I'm sad that I may never have a copy of it.

There are few things in life that I truly and passionately wanted. I know it sounds lame, but I was denied that milestone item. I never got to ask someone to sign my yearbook.

High school wasn't an easy part of my life...but in the end, I grew because of it. Now, I take so much pride of what I have done back then. I guess people take that kind of stuff for granted.

Seven years later, I'm still left wanting...

I haven't been feeling like a very good boyfriend. It's not his fault. It's all mine. I just keep messing things up. I'm not making myself available as I should be. Ever since yesterday, I've been feeling really inadequate. I'm not good enough...for myself. I'm a little behind with school so I guess this time apart would give me time to get my shit together.

Oh, we went to see Wicked last Sunday. I'll talk more about it when I'm actually in a good mood.

Stupid.

That's what I am. Last night, I needed to move to a more comfortable space so I moved the "pending" laundry aside to sleep. I thought I had moved all of his stuff (wallet, phone, work ID, etc) but I don't remember his keys. I was also pretty pissed since Thursdays are my long 10 - 12 hours days at school so I wanted to sleep pronto.

I didn't get my project done since all I ended up doing was look for his keys. He called me "stupid" while we looked. He was right. I am. I sure felt stupid as I tore the room up. I have no idea where his keys are now. He left for work really pissed off and now I don't want to go to school at all... but I have to.

I could still feel his eyes looking down on me in frustration and dissaproval. He's leaving for the weekend to see his sister and I know he won't have a problem leaving me. I don't blame him...after all, I pissed him off.

I seriously hate myself right now. I do so much for him...only to give him more of a headache. I want to burn my room down. I don't want to go to class. I don't care about today. I look like shit today because that's how I feel.

He's gonna hate me when he gets home. I already know it...and I'm gonna have to suffer for at least 10 hours. I hate Thursdays. I HATE TODAY.

I know he's not gonna come home on time. I don't blame him. Who wants to come home to an idiot and a mess?

Fuck. My day hasn't even started and I already want it to end.






Just leave me alone.

In Other News...

The lastest cover of ESPN Magazine struck me today. I heard it in the news too.

"The NBA locker room was the most flamboyant place I've ever been. Guys flaunted their perfect bodies. They bragged about sexual exploits. They primped in front of the mirror, applying cologne and hair gel by the bucketful. They tried on each other's $10,000 suits, admired each other's rings and necklaces. It was an intense camraderie that felt completely natural to them. Surveying the room, I couldn't help chuckling to myself: And I'm the gay one."

- John Amaechi

It's people like him that make me proud to be an openly gay man. In my eyes, he is a great role model and shatters so many stereotypes. Oddly enough, I explained to my AAS professor I was gay today. I wanted to let her know because my papers and homework would make a little more sense. I told her today because there is a group of idiotic BOYS who were making annoying side comments because the professor had briefly talked about Brokeback Mountain. I digress. Mr. Amaechi has finally spoken up about who he is and he has made it known to the professional sports world. His courage inspires me.

It still bothers me that the NBA, which has the best players in the country (if not the world), can have a problem with homosexuality and sports. In the article, John explains that straight players obsessed over the idea of homosexuality and how "wrong" it all was. Stupidly enough, none of them knew enough about "fags" to really dislike them. I agree with Mr. Amaechi though. Straight men overemmasculate themselves for fear of showing weakness.

A highly regarded player has recently been banned from the NBA All-Stars events this year. Why?

...because Tim Hardaway said, "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people."

Thanks Tim. You may have apologized, but the fact remains that you said it..and we're all sure you meant it too. Your comments were uneccessary and fueled the fires of hate and ignorance. Some role model you turned out to be.

So yes, I have a remote interest in sports. I have been physically active since I was a kid. I am a competitive person. I played sports in high school. I made both the tennis team and the volleyball team.

So don't call ME a fag. Don't think I'm weak. I bet I can throw a baseball further than you can. "Fags" can be athletic, exude both physical and mental strength. I don't find it wrong to be beaten by a girl either. You only beat yourself.

Thanks John Amaechi. You earned my respect as a new fan. Maybe I'll see you at the Abbey one day.

Top Design Hotties

Is it just me or are some of those carpenters hot? haha. It was fun to watch the beach cabana challenge.

I Feel Better

I just realized that there are people out there who are so pretentious. I wonder if they know that they're really THAT pathetic. I know it sounds bad that I sort of use the pathetic nature of some people to propel my own self-esteem. I know that I don't need someone else to prove my own self-worth, but then again, we all have to admit that we have done it. ha.

My brother taught me that if a person is in your life and does not benefit you in ANY way, they don't belong in your life. Now, that seems a little bit selfish to some people. However, if you really think about it, it's true. Who would want a person who sucks the life out of you?

I had someone like that and looking back, yeah, it was a big mistake. I was selfish and stupidretarded. BUT, I have learned from negative experiences and this person made me a better person in the end.

If you're a part of my life (no matter how small) I hope you're grateful for being in it. You benefit my soul. And yes... I'm grateful for all of you. I'll make you proud. You'll see...

I'm better than you and thanks for reminding me. I needed it.

How Many of Us Have Them?

I'm not sure how I feel. I've complained that I wasn't fitting in with a group last weekend, but all the while, another feeling was sort of festering. Though, I didn't feel completely comfortable about being with certain people, I was still part of a bigger whole. My point is: I was remembered.

Recently, my boyfriend was complaining about something to me and it got me thinking too. At first I had mixed feelings about it, and wasn't sure if he was being valid about it. I felt that way, only because I didn't really want to get involved, you know? Sure, he has every right to be unhappy. I can see why...now.

My boyfriend and my close gay friends are pretty much the only link I have to the gay side of my life. With them, I feel comfortable being myself. I feel safe, wanted, loved, and included. Unfortunately, recently the last one didn't really apply. I have not heard from them in a long time, nor was I invited to certain events. Granted I was unable to attend one, I was really not made aware of many of them. I guess the stigma of Arnell and I being a package is that it leads to the assumption that if he can't go, I can't. Then again, neither of us can go if neither was invited. I'm not really complaining about that though. I guess my feelings lie in the idea that maybe I'm losing my gay "family."

I don't have "boys" of my own. Outside of the main group I associated myself with, I don't have my own main group of gay friends. I depend on the friends that Arnell has graced me with...but suddenly, I haven't really been feeling included. I'm not a big fan of inviting myself to things. I must admit that I have done that before, but I sure feel stupid after.

So, I really understand my boyfriend's feelings now that I feel the same way. No, I never dismissed them. I was more like in denial about it. I really miss them. I miss the dinners, movies, trips to Disneyland, parties, clubbing and all of the other random things we would do. So missing not knowing about a recent barbecue kind of hurt my feelings. Then again, was I just not meant to be there to begin with?

In the end, it makes me unsure. Am I really part of a group? I thought I've invested enough time with them to be confident...but right now, I'm a little shaken.

At least with my main group of straight friends, I'm in the loop 99.5% of the time and if I'm not, they fill me in pretty quick...especially if they're making fun of me. ha.

Times change so I'm hoping for the benefit of the doubt...

Yeah, that's my two cents.

Homebody

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about going out right now. I've been craving to go out the weekend before school started and that didn't work out too well. As a result, I wanted to go out and have fun because I got through a crazy first week of school. Now, I just feel like going out to have a good time will only cause more stress on my head.

I went out on Friday to Rage in hopes to find the elusive "good time." Getting there was already half the battle. I was trying to get a hold of Arnell but frankly, he doesn't really check his phone at a club and doesn't seem to grip the idea of checking for messages just in case I'm trying to get a hold of him. God forbid if my face was on fire, he wouldn't really get the message until he decides to check the time off of his phone. Anyway, by the time he got my text message, I was just about ready to pay the cover charge. I expected him and my buds to be intoxicated by then. I was right. I wanted a hard drink, but I didn't want to drink alone. I had a crazy drive to the club. I was a little irritated by many people I knew at Rage since it seemed like no one knew who I was unless I was with Arnell. I was snubbed by so many different people so that didn't help my negative attitude. Long blog short...of all people, my own boyfriend didn't do much to comfort me or try to make my mood better. That's all I wanted. A hug or him saying "It's gonna be fine. Let's just have fun." I got NOTHING. He was more interested in having the attention of everyone else. Someone even asked, "Hey why don't you give your man some attention?" He said, "He gets enough of that at home." So really...how would anyone expect me to feel after being mad already?! Everyone else had the sense to TRY to get me to be in a better mood. I even told him to his face what was bothering me. Mind you I didn't say it in an angry or threatening way. He responded with a "that's YOUR problem" kind of look. He ignored me and embarassed me most of the night. Things escalated and I cried to my friends in the parking lot about how I felt. Yeah, I'm still a little pissed about it.

Tonight, I went out to Dimples in Burbank. I was already sketchy about me having a good time, but it was for Gail's birthday, so I was more than happy to join in the festivities. I did have a good time...but there were a few things that hindered me from having an even better time. Two guys in the bathroom were talking shit about me and looked like they were about to punch me out. Their anti-gay slurs really killed my buzz. I was also a tad uncomfortable since Gail has so many different friends from so many facets of her life. I didn't feel like I was fitting in the whole time. Apparently, gay people are great fodder for jokes, waitresses and emcees. All things considered, I had a pretty okay time...but I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable.

All I wanted was to blow my mind outta my skull...but I give up.

I'm sad and angry about Friday and uneasy about tonight. I don't even want to try to go out anymore. I can't expect to go out and have a good time. Who cares? I'm just going to go back to that God-forsaken store for my meager wages.

I hate work.
I didn't start the semester the way I would have hoped.
I think I'm just gonna stay home, do my homework, clean, and just fuckin feel sorry for my pathetic, broke ass.

Honestly, I find it hard to wake up in the morning. I guess I need a better reason than being alive.

First Day of the New Semester

Today was the worst first day of school...EVER.

First of all, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed to begin with. I'm not sure why, but I just woke up in a bad mood. Well, maybe I do know. Anyway, I hate driving in the rain. It doesn't feel safe. Anyway, I started the day taking Gen to school. It's pretty routine, but why were there stupid ass drivers the ENTIRE way? People were suddenly stopping, tailgating, turning without signaling, parking in the MIDDLE of the road...well there are dumbasses everymorning, but it was WAAAAY more that usual.

I couldn't find my necklace so that REALLY pissed me off this morning. I had breakfast and I left the house 20 minutes earlier than I usually would to get to school. It was raining and it being the first week would make things much harder. For starters, my stupid transpod wouldn't cooperate with me so I just left it alone... I ended up driving in silence. I was in NO mood for mindless morning radio babble. I get to Northridge at about 9:15 or so...no thanks to the student traffic. To make matters worse, I didn't have a campus parking pass. I can't afford one just yet. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Every fucking lot was full. The traffic cops scattered throughout campus "kindly" notified me and sent me on a detour. At about 10:00am, I end up parking in a residential area. I had to walk about 10 minutes JUST to get to campus. Keep in mind my class started at 9:30. I finally find my room to find that the door was still open. I creep into the class hoping to make the least amount of noise...AND I KNOCKED OVER THE TRASH CAN. Nice. So among the snickering and stares, I managed to find a seat. Not only was I embarassed that I was over 30 minutes late, but now I'm the dumbass who ran into a trash can. Great.

The rest of the day was just sort of mundane and a few things made the day a little better. I discovered the Topanga Mall with April too...so that was nice. heh.

I get home and just SLEEP it off.

I really hope that the rest of the school week doesn't SUCK.

I don't ask for much, but I guess sometimes I look too hard.

I wanted to kickoff the new semester with a little fun. I haven't seen my boyfriend all weekend. Naturally it was all with good reason. He had some family in town.

Chriselle and I tore up the town for a while. It was good to see her and just fart around for no good reason. I was glad to have a Saturday like that. Unfortunately, Sunday wasn't so exciting. A miscommunication really killed my buzz. I really felt left out. No one called me back. Boyfriend wasn't timely enough to inform me of his whereabouts. I just felt like no one cared enough to call me back. After calming down, I understand the situation better, but I'm still not feeling super happy about missing out.

So now, my first day of school is in about 10 hours and I feel cheated. I wanted to blow it out...go clubbing, get drunk...just go nuts...

Alas, I'm still feenin for excitement (and cash).

Whatever. I think I'll matters into my own hands if I have to.

I impulsively bought a bluetooth headset.

Oddly enough, it's been exactly a month since I got the Sidekick. ha.

These past couple of days was certainly interesting. I got to reconnect with old friends after almost 10 years.

I felt a myriad of emotions these past couple of days. I was asked to be a pallbearer for Lolo Ben last Wednesday. As we walked out of St. Augustine's after mass, just seeing the faces of everyone in the pews was so overwhelming. I would always see those faces full of life. I had a hard time seeing everyone so sad...even my parents. Hearing Lola and my aunties cry as I carried the casket was overwhelming. Seeing my cousins weeping was a sight I hope to never get used to. I was honored to carry him to his final resting place.

I learned a lot about Lolo Ben. I learned that he was a trailblazer. I learned that if it weren't for Filipinos like him, I wouldn't have the opportunities I have today. He was a tough man with a heart of gold. You know, he's the link between my family and my family up north.

Thanks Lolo Ben.

OH EM GEE...

My Cuzzo's PREGNANT!!! yay!

CONGRATS KIM!

Whatttawannabe

I recently caught an epiode of DANCELIFE on MTV and it made me feel kind of weird. First of all, it all takes place at the Millenium Dance Complex in North Hollywood. I used to go there years ago. In fact, the first time I went was on October 8, 2002 (Yeah it's here on my blogger somwhere...). I really miss difficult dancing. I miss feeling empowered by catching and executing a fast routine. Granted, I could never be a pro, it sure was fun...and a GREAT workout.

Part of me wants to go back...but another part of me thinks that I'm probably wanting to bite off more than I can chew.

I'm old.
I'm fat.
I'm broke.
I'm so outta their league.

I just wanna perform.

Debtor

I really feel bad about him taking me out so much lately. We're both broke. I owe him a lot. I feel REALLY bad...but I'm grateful for everything he's done for me.

I don't deserve him. Thanks beb. =\

FutureSex/LoveHimSoMuch

Tonight, Arnell and I decided to just try to get some tickets to the SOLD OUT to Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow 2007 World Tour. I wasn't expecting to get in...especially after we saw the long line at the box office. I figured it would be an adventure to stay and Arnell was pretty adamant about being able to get tickets. After a couple of ignorant, homophobic bitches, and about an hour later, we get to the front of the line. Arnell asks the attendant what the best available seats are. It turns out we were 16th row and that DEFINATELY beats the kind of seats I've had before. I couldn't believe we got in.




These were taken with my Sidekick because we got caught with a camera...twice. heh. It was worth a shot. WHO CARES?! We were still early enough to catch Pink's opening. We even got some goodies after the show. He got me the tour jacket while he got a really cute backpack. ha.

I had a super great time. I was totally happy. Thanks beb. Happy Early Valentine's. haha.

So much for spontenaiety right?

Celebrate Life

Rest in peace Lolo Ben. You were certainly the true example of being young at heart. I really wish I came to visit before God called.

My cousins have been asking me to visit for so long. I'm happy to see them and I'm sad about the circumstances that brought us together.

Well, he was always happy to see all of us together... He's smiling on us. I know he is.

I love him...

That's all.

Enjoy.


SDYM Confirmation Year 1 Retreat





That was a great retreat with great leaders. I had a blast with this group and I hope that everyone continues to grow.

ello my lovahs....goobye my freeeeeends

Recap

Retreat was awesome.
I love my new Sidekick.
I got REALLY sick.
The Lion King was AWESOME and so was the Limo.
Work is work.
Night at the Museum was surprisingly entertaining.
I'm broke.
I'm happy.

Now leave me alone...unless you're here to preserve the happy.

Dear Rnerr...

Happy birthday!

I love you. I miss you...

I hope you like your gift. It's not much but I squeezed every last cent to get it.

Love,
Bub

It's my boyfriends birthday today and even though I'm still kinda mad at him I wanted to get him something. I'm so pissed that I can't find ANY of my gift cards. I don't have any money so I was going to use one to get him a gift. FUCK! I'm so mad!

Right now...I hate 2007.

Happy(?) New Year

Okay, so now don't think that I'm a total ingrate for being with my family (well most of them) at midnight...but well...this whole night was pretty anticlimactic.

No. I don't feel very happy. As soon as we finished our toasts, kisses and greetings...a huge vibe of negativity came over me. I felt a little empty and, frankly, pretty damn sad. I'm feeling alone.

Maybe it's the fact that my man is out of town. That's a given.

Maybe it's because I've been cleaning and realizing what kind of a pathetic slob I've become.

Maybe it's the fact that my wallet has $1 left and I won't be getting paid until Friday. I'm scrounging every dollar and living on gift cards.

Maybe it's the fact that it seems like everyone else has something fun to do to ring in 2007.

I'm not liking how 2007 has started. Now, I need to shut up and just finish cleaning.

whoopie.