You ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go your way? I mean I didn't get mad...it was just one of those days where your patience is tested over and over again. I'd like to go on and on about my haphazard day...but that's not something I want to think about at this point. haha.

Tonight was the perfect kick off to my summer. I went to rage with clapper and moo tonight and it wasn't bad being 3rd wheel. I didn't even feel like it. Anyway, I just let loose (as much as my wallet allowed me) and had a really great time. There were no haters, weirdo, or pervs who could ruin the night for me...but there was one...but I guess he was just a phase to begin with. Guys are dumb...I don't know why I fall for shit like that. I'll get over it. heh. Anyway...with moo's "taunting" about "hollers" I ended up getting hit on by halfway decent people this time. LOL. Three brazillian guys slurred their way to me and wanted to know who I was since 2 of them thought I was cute. haha. They were drunk as fuck but it was a nice ego boost for the night.

I needed moo and clapper's company today. I had a REALLY good time. It's been a while since I enjoyed a club without my own date. haha.

G O O D N I G H T ! ! !

(I deleted that last post...the novelty wore off.)

I never realized how grumpy I get when I'm short on sleep. heh. I mean I hate taking my mom to work at 630am...but if no one else can do it, what can I do? Besides complaining...not much. It's also a pain to take my sister to school. It's not her or the time that I take her...it's just that she's late like 90% of the time. No matter how much we rush her, nag her, and drag her...she just doesn't get it. You can imagine how frustrating it is to try to get her ass to school on time. My lola would get "high blood" trying to get her up in the morning. I would be really embarassed to make a scene being late all the time. If I were up early enough, I'd make sure that she was on time. I'd nag her till it pisses her off. That's what my dad used to do when he'd take us to school. Being waken up for school was the time I loved him the least...hahaha. But I thank him for it now.

I know her tardiness and retardiness seems like something that I shouldn't really be concerned with, but 7th and 8th grade really matter when it comes to high school applications. I've told her how embarassing it was not to make it into the school I had wanted to go to. (Rather my parents wanted me to go there since it would have been easier on them) Either way, it was kinda of embarassing to see other people, some of which were subordinate, progress farther than you.

I think I should get back to sleep. I have a long day ahead.

Let's get ya'll up to speed. (haha. I said, "ya'll)

Today was my last day of school and I'm quite content. I had turned in my "provocative" triptych today and I was quite surprised with the reaction. I had a reaction before I finished posting it up. I guess that's what a naked breast does to people...react. The subject matter was very sexual. Trust me, it was tastefully done. The first panel was two men who had just finished making love. The second was two exposed torsos; one male and one female. The final panel was the bottom half of two women embracing and kissing. Now, this was a pretty far cry from some of the subject matter that was depicted. It got so much of a reaction I got offers for it. People wanted to buy it...and people wanted me to scan it too...heh.

My point was that people are different but they're all looking for love. Love isn't judgemental..so neither should we. As provocative and controversal as the art was...it was good. It had a positive and mature reaction...as I had hoped.

I wish I could show you my work...but I won't get it back for a while. I'll try to call up a friend from class to send the photo that she took of it. I wanted my work back...I even begged the prof to hand it back...we both knew I got an A for it. haha.

I wanna do something fun tonight. I feel acheived. =)

Oh...Chad's a slut. hahaha. take that varsity...

American Idol.

The everyday person gets the chance to shine. The unknown face becomes a household name is less than a year. It's just a trip to see that. Everytime each season ends...it makes me wonder, what if I had tried out? What if I auditioned and made a complete spectacle of myself? Now...I know that I can sing, but I'm sure that I wouldn't have made top 12. I'm not even sure if I would have received the ticket to Hollywood.

I can only imagine the sacrifice, hardship, and frustration it would take to even walk that path.

Congratulations Fantasia! A true talent...

Both were VERY talented...but there had to be one winner.

Don't persuade me to audition either guys...haha.

Seriously guys...no joke. Thanks to the lovely people at blogger.com, I am able to audioblog now. I guess it would be beneficial to have a high speed connection to listen to the posts.

I guess this is just another ploy to keep my website remotely interesting. heh.

I've been good vibing this whole weekend. I even found my Palm Pilot. yay.

I guess today was just pretty random. I didn't really have any plans today and so I just went to Justin's house and we were hoping to get to go to PRIDE at Long Beach today. Sadly, admission was a tad too pricey for us. We decided to just stroll Long Beach and hit up "The Library."

So it was Justin, Justin, Jad, Tara, and I roaming around and Justin shoe was nice enough to let me shoot stuff with his camera. I mean, I'm no pro like him but I had a good time snapping things here and there.

Afterwards, we just went to Oli's house and I kinda felt out of place since I didn't really know anyone. I ended up playing pool most of the time...but hey there was a piece of eyecandy. hahaha. Anyway, I just ended up playing pool by myself...but hey. I was occupied.

Tomorrow is yet another Lesbian Seagull day. I wonder what's in store at Jad's. It's always a good time when we're together...

Okay, I gotta go. We're playing OUTBURST. hahaha. We're so lame.

I'm honestly tired of trying to validate my position. This blogger wasn't meant to be a forum for political, religious, philosophical discussion. This is all ME. It's about my wants, fears, goals, friends, family, beliefs, opinions, musings, and all of the sorts. It's not here to cater to people who aren't interested in who I am and what I stand for. I respect everyone's opinion and state of being. So why am I being put at the center of attention.

I'm not going to continue wasting my time having to explain myself to people who don't have enough courage to tell everyone who they are. It's obviously a complicated subject for most. But I guess not many straight people can understand what I go through.

It's easy to put technical "solutions" to prove me wrong. Of course I have the right to get married to a woman. Do you think I will? NO. Rights? Since I cannot get married to a man, I'm not entitled to the tax benefits or domestic benefits that straight married couples receive. I cannot adopt. I'm not stupid, I can defend my honor, belief system, dignity, and my human nature. I've done my homework. I can argue till I lose my voice. I can knitpick and find every wrong detail. I can prove myself and my standpoint...but what good will that do?

Whoever you people are...I can care less what you think of me. If you really believe that I'm going to hell. I'll keep your seat warm for you. If you think that I'm immoral, then following God's plan is the worst thing in the world. I'm going to continue to live the way I do. I may not have chosen the path, but I'm making most of the hand that's been dealt.

Get a life. Stop finding what's wrong in mine. I know what's wrong in it.

With that said, I think I'm just going to exude my true self. The personality that I'm happy with...not what some fuckers that can't accept who I am.

DO YOU GET IT?

At the request of my lovely sister in law. I will update.

Today was good.

I aced my final.

I chilled with Mac, Justin and Justin today.

I met LeeJae. He's cool.

I'm just filling space because Lei asked me to. LOL.

I have work at 10am.

I'm doing laundry.

Is this enough? I'm tired of typing.

goodnight.

nice person: its really sad that MARKS whole world is still caught up in the insanity of Homosexualtiy. Satan has a way of taking the best and perverting it. Please urge Mark to come back to Christ.


To "nice person" on my tag board,

I'm not sure why you think my life is wrapped up in the "insanity of homosexuality." My life's problems and so called insanity has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. It was not a choice I made. I didn't wake up one day and and decided that I liked penis better. You don't know all of the sleepless nights I prayed to God to be different. I knew that closed minded people like you wouldn't understand my plight. How can you come to the conclusion that I've strayed away from Christ? Who are you to judge me? I've been active in my church youth ministry since 1996. I PROUDLY take part of the core team for church Confirmation program and I've been there since 1998. I attend mass weekly and have been singing in the choir since 1996. I have NO problem with God and His plan for me. I love my Savior and I really do owe him my life. I am very fortunate to have a loving family, a great set of friends...straight and gay, and I consider myself very fortunate to be who I am. It only proves that I can perservere through more. After all, not only do I have to work through the discrimination of being Filipino, I have to work with people's ignorance with homosexuality.

What makes me different from you? So far the only difference that I notice is that I'm much more open minded. Now I don't need you to validate me. I KNOW that I'm one of the best out there. Just because I'm gay doesn't make me perverted. I have morals too. I have valid thoughts, hopes, dreams, and opinions. I bleed too. I long for love too. I have short and long term goals too. You think your life is hard? Walk a half mile in my shoes and maybe you'd understand. You don't understand how much it sucks that I cannot get married. You don't understand that I'm not "entitled" to rights that all straight people are given. If you ask me, this is modern day oppression.

If my friends and family start to read what you wrote...I can think of at least 100 people that can shoot you down faster than a terrorist jet. If that's yor real email address, you might regret putting it down. Realistically, I don't need them to back me up. I can stand and affirm my faith. I can stand for my rights. Though I respect you and your opinion, I don't appreciate you placing your ignorant labels on me and gay & lesbian people altogether. Don't tell me that I strayed from Christ. Maybe you're a bit further than you thought. If you feel far from God, guess who moved. It certainly wasn't Him.

I am a strong, religious, confident, loving, faithful, compassionate, intelligent, FILIPINO man. I have a strong foundation in my parents, my family, my friends, and especially my religion. If you have a problem with me, then that's not my problem to fix. If you don't like my shit, don't smell it homie. Thanks for the message. It only strengthened my sense of self. Look, we both don't like satan...so why are you trippin me up?

CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.

-Mark

boredom = surveys.

.Firsts.
First best friend: Ronnell Regidor (We're still close after 17 years)
First car: 1997 Honda Civic and I'm still driving it.
First date: Let's not talk about that. haha.
First kiss: Christine L. Boys...yuck. I wish it wasn't him.
First break-up: Daniel
First screen name: FilaPnoy48 (I was so cool in HS, wasn't I? haha.)
First self purchased album: M.C. Hammer - Too Legit 2 Quit. hahaha.
First funeral: I've been to a few but the only one that really consider my first is my Lolo. =\ I love you and miss you much.
First pets: Pepper...a scary ass doberman.
First piercing/tattoo: nope.
First credit card: Visa - United Rewards
First true love: Parents
First enemy: brother
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Stevie Wonder - I Just Called to Say "I Love You."

.LASTS.
Last cigarette: **NEVER GONNA HAVE FIRST**
Last car ride: From homie bestest's house.
Last kiss: Charles?
Last good cry: Confirmation Retreat (Sat. 5/17)
Last library book checked out: i dunno
Last movie seen: 50 First Dates
Last beverage drank: tubig, agua, water
Last food consumed: 2 Denny's Chicken Strips...haha
Last crush: boo on boys.
Last phone call: Justin "Shoe" to keep him awake
Last time showered: 13 hours ago
Last shoes worn: GAP Sandals
Last cd played: Justified - JRT
Last item bought: a cool bamboo bracelet on campus
Last annoyance: SUCKING AT POOL!
Last disappointment: don't want to mention any names.
Last time wanting to die: as bad as things get...i can't remember the last time i felt that way.
Last shirt worn: Brown/Tan baseball T from Hollister
Last website visited: Blogger.com
Last word you said: "bye."
Last song you sang: Take Me Now - Justin Timberlake (i was in the car...LOL)

What is in your cd player?: Car - Justified /// Home - Damita Jo, Stripped, MIXED CD
What color socks are you wearing: none
What Color of underwear are you wearing?: white
What's under your bed?: my drawers full of clothes
What time did you wake up today?: 12:00 pm

FUTURE
Where do you want to go?: New York
What is your career going to be?: Graphic Design
Where are you going to live?: So Cal
How many kids do you want?: 2
What kind of car(s): BMW M3 (midnight blue w/ a light gray leather interior with the logo on the headrests...18 or 19 low pros...with tinted windows...Can you tell I've thought about it?)

CURRENT
Current mood: aloof
Current music: my heartbeat
Current taste: something meaty and salty...NOT THAT. I'm talking food!
Current hair: hat hair
Current clothes: The Hollister Shirt I mentioned earlier and some dirty washed jeans
Current longing: food.
Current desktop picture: A close up of Janet
Current favorite artist: Myself. I'm feeling inspired to create a very controversial triptych for my final project.
Current book(s): bible?
Current color of toenails: whatever the natural color of toenails are.
Current time-wasting wish: being at a poker room winning...
Current hate: my physique.

My name is: Mark Andrew Ocampo Kaiklian
I may seem: shy
But I('m) really: open
Sometimes I feel: weird
In the morning I: go back to sleep
I like to sleep: for long periods of time
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: getting a haircut. haha.
Money is: scarce
One thing I wish I had is: a banging body
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: my willingness to procrastinate
All I need is: God
Love is: more than any finite thought could ever describe...
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: say "Go around...these ones are barred."
If a demon crashed into my window I would: freak out
I could see one person right now it would be: the man I marry
Something I want but I don't really need is: a boyfriend
Something I need but I don't really want is: my current car?
I live for: God and His plan for me... also for love, happiness, passion and life itself.
I am afraid of: dying
It makes me angry when: people don't understand me or don't make the effort to do so. (in actuality...this list would be LONG!)

I DELETED THAT LAST POST. heh.-

Apparently, my last post caused a lot of people to inquire about me. Nothing was really WRONG persay. I'm just tired of some things right now. I just want summer to come already. I just need to tie up some loose ends.

Thanks for the concern and don't even worry about it. I'm just trying to even the score for myself.

The weekend passed just as fast as it came. I didn't do too much this weekend, but I had a pretty good one.

Saturday:
This day was John day. We went to Ayala High for their Polynesian Luau and let me tell you it was one hell of a show. It started off with some L&L food, and a fire knife show. The actual show was really good despite the bleacher hogs and the stupid ladies who would take our seats. haha. John even had us dragged on stage to "learn" some dances. haha. John's just a sweetie...he tried his best to give us the VIP treatment. Thanks homie...you're awesome. Justin Shoe, Mark, Aron, and I had a great time.

Sunday:
It was supposed to be my free day, but a coworker called me to cover for her...so I did. I could use the extra hours. heh. Oh and BTW...Mac is a mean ass jerk... fuggin user. hahaha. jk. It's all good though. It's always nice to help out a friend. Let's just say you owe me one. All in all, today was a slow day.

Right now:
I dunno...I'm just feeling a big mix of emotions and thoughts right now. I'm not sure why either. meh...All I know is that I have to get up in 4 hours and get to work by 8am. Yay for floor sets. bah. I'm gonna get something to eat and get some sleep. I'm gonna be pretty grumpy at work. heh. Gonna chill with Mac tomorrow? I dunno. I'm definately gonna get some HW done though. blah.

(Okay...as of now, I have 6 comments on my previous post. Why is it people comment on Copon than anything else?! haha. That's the most comments I've had all year! I guess people really do read this thing.)

I MET MICHAEL COPON!!! *sigh* For those who don't know him...He's a male model and a former power ranger. He's recently a model for Pacific Sunwear. He came into the store today and I was blown away. He was being so cute too. He was dancing around in the store...and not subtlely either...haha. Unfortunately, he's straight. D'OH!

Well kiddies, Mark will be pretty much home alone from today until Monday. The parents went on a weekened cruise to Baja. Keep me sane and entertained won't you?!

UNBE-FUCKING-LIEVABLE!!!!!!!

Did you see that amazing 0.4 second shot by Derek Fisher?!?!?!? HOLY SHIT! LAKERS RULE!

fack.

I hope I'm not in over my head...at least i'm being honest.

Time for some HW I have lots to catch up on. damn.

I guess sometimes we all need a good talking to from an unusual source. I feel so much better and more aware of things.

Forgive me being vague. I just don't know what to think.

My head is just full of ideas...and not the good kind. I feel like maybe I'm thinking too hard...but then again the appearance on the outside is pretty obvious.

Communication. That's what I need to practice. blah...Think Mark....THINK.

look.

Today was yet another great Lesbian Seagulls day. It's really difficult to get all 6 of us together, but when we are...it's a trip. I had work today so I came to Huntington Beach pretty late. Right after work, I had picked up Chad and we got a little confused on the freeways. We ended up having to take a long detour since the main freeways were pretty bad.

Needless to say, that I had a great time and made some new friends in the process. I felt loved when the guys tackled me right when I got there. People were introduced. Names were exchanged and beach volleyball started pretty damn quick. I don't really want to go into too much detail...I guess you just had to be there. Good times.

I met Chad. He's pretty damn cool. haha. He apologizes to me about everything...as if I'm gonna beat him down. He was the jailbait baby of the group, but it didn't take the seagulls long to warm up to him. I wouldn't be surprised if we dragged him out to more LS6 days. He's a cutie. What do you think guys? Do we consider him a pledge? hahaha.

[to chad...i remember reading your blog concerning friendship. i hope after today, your small circle of friends expands with us. we don't intend to intrude on the intimate circle you have now...but just know that we're all here. don't hesitate to ask me for anything if you need it. you know how to get a hold of me. it was really cool meeting and getting to you know you. one more thing...stop apologizing! haha...unless you really want something to be sorry about. LOL jk.]

It's obvious that Ernald isn't interested in my time. I'm over it. I saw him drive off PCH right before I arrived. heh. He's making it obvious that he's not interested. I guess I'll do the same.

I hope I get copies of the pictures we all took today. I haven't been to the beach to hang out with a lot of people so you can imagine that how refreshing it was for me to frolic through the sand. (hahahaha I said "frolic") It seems that I got a lot out of this trip. I've finally put my foot downe concerning Ernald. I made 4 new friends. I got one HELLUVA workout playing rounds and rounds of beach volleyball. I even reaffirmed my faith tonight. (don't ask. haha. dollars anyone? hahaha.)

Thanks for a great time guys. I love you guys. MOINE!

It's about 5:20am...

I just got home from Chris' place for cards. I'm a little strapped for cash so I dealt like 80% of the night. I can say that it was quite profitable for me to "be on the clock" tonight.

I'm gonna be groggy having to wake up in 6 hours for work. hahaha.

I'm excited about my upcoming beach adventure today/tonight. Lots of driving...but hey. It's a guaranteed good time after work.

I met a really cute guy today. Straight? Possibly...but there's something about him that seems off...but then again. He's "straight" on the radar and I haven't been wrong yet.

Okay...I seriously think it's time to turn in. I have work. yay. haha.

After today's events, I'm going to decide whether "laban o bawi" with Mr. what's his face...you know who I'm talking about.

yikes...the sun's starting to coming up.

My straight friends don't know that most of the time I feel ostersized. Don't get me wrong, but maybe sometimes I should steer clear of speaking while we're together. I mean they're funny...I love being around them...

The straight guys brought up a question, "Would you let a guy suck your dick if he paid you $500,000 and the only people who would know would be you and him?" Some considered it. Some didn't. Obviously, the joke was on me..."Shut up, Mark, you'd do it for free." They all laughed. I went with the joke and just bit my tongue on that one. One of them said, "HELL NO. It doesn't matter how much he pays me." A friend responded..."See, he's the only man around here." I can't say that I was pretty offended. If he's the only man around...then what does that make me? Well, apparently there are so many gay jokes around. I've never heard, "So what do you call a straight guy......" Yet another perk to being a controversial character in society. Of course...jokes are jokes...but look at it through my side...

Sometimes I feel like that my manhood/masculinity is cheapened only because I'm gay. I'm still a man. I'm still who I am. It sucks that my masculine nature is dismissed. By the way the are some "men" out there who give all people who have a penis a really bad name.

Understand the nature of man and realize that we're just different.

I wish my bitten tongue hurt more than some words.

There's been a lot going on with life lately.

I guess it's too much to have to recap what's been going on.

Not much has really gone my way, but I suppose it isnt gonna phase me. I'll write when i feel compelled to.

Sometimes I get the feeling to just turn and run. I'm not really sure what triggered it. heh. I always think that maybe if I nip it in the bud now, I'll save myself the pain later...another part of me wants to just see if anything unfolds. I have no idea what to think. Are things progressing? I mean if things go any slower, it's gonna go backwards. I'm really stupid when it comes to certain things, but I'm totally torn this time.

Until tonight, I wanted to pursue. Now I'm not so sure. I'm stupid when I like someone. I'm even dumber when I really think they're interested back. Is he? I don't know. Do I want to ask? I don't know. I mean CLEARLY...it's NOT me. I'm the one expressing interest PLUS making the effort to communicate.

I think that's the problem. I need to chill. Fuck it. Two can play this game.

As much as I just want to give up...
Isn't the greatest risk in life...not taking one?

I thought so too.