Top 10: Guys I'm Attracted To
*In no particular order
1. aren't attracted to me
2. don't know I exist
3. don't exist
4. are straight
5. aren't out / sure who they are
6. don't know it because I don't have the balls to say something
7. don't tell me so I can't explore it further
8. live in another time zone
9. have major conflicting principles
10. are taken
I'm really on the fence about starting to date. Sure, there are a few guys that strike me, but circumstances aren't in my favor. I always hear that I'm this amazing guy but how is it possible that I don't have an amazing other? Whatev.
I don't call it "being picky." I consider it "knowing what I want." I know what I want and I just can't have it... well maybe not at the moment. Now, I'm not doomed to spend eternity alone, but can we be honest for a sec? We're all so busy chasing someone else, but all we have to do is stop running, turn around & open our eyes and see that there's someone who's been chasing you.
I used to think that I put the "hopeless" in "hopeless romantic." Now, I figured if guys made me work hard for them, I deserve someone who'll work just as hard as I do. In the meantime, I'll continue working on myself again since I feel like I slipped through the cracks. I don't feel like myself. Unless you're one of the few who can disarm me, I'm not going to meet a guy halfway right now, but I'll keep an open mind and heart. If you want my attention, give me yours in exchange. I won't bite... unless you politely ask me to.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I still think about you, but I've gotten really good at controlling my feelings.
You still keep me up at night and when I finally fall sleep, you reign over my dreams. I guess I'll take what I can get.
In the meantime, I'll wallow in my own confusion. However, this time it isn't so much about you. I'll still smirk to myself thinking about you, but I can't allow myself to die at my own hand anymore. Maybe later, eh?
You still keep me up at night and when I finally fall sleep, you reign over my dreams. I guess I'll take what I can get.
In the meantime, I'll wallow in my own confusion. However, this time it isn't so much about you. I'll still smirk to myself thinking about you, but I can't allow myself to die at my own hand anymore. Maybe later, eh?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The mere thought of playing as an ERHS volleyball alumnus stabbed me in the face with fear. Seasoned players, enthusiasts and current ERHS players surrounded me. “Why did I even come here?” was the recurring question that violently wrapped inside. I assured myself that the promise I had made to a handful of great friends who begged me to go was the only thing keeping me from running hysterically out of the gymnasium. Mind you, I’ve NEVER been to a game since I left 11 years ago, let alone show up to an alumni day.
I was first asked to play in the Alumni vs. Varsity game. Long story short, after sitting out for most of the game, the coach asked me to play back row. I honestly didn’t remember how to move around the court or any of the rotations. After 2 horribly shanked passes later, I convinced myself that I had no business being on the court. I mustered a fake grin when the other players ribbed me for a job badly done. I understood that it was all in good fun, but I quietly held in my humiliation.
I wanted to get it over with.
The next game, I was asked to play in an all-alumni game. Feigning enthusiasm, I joined so I didn’t look like a poor sport. I had no idea what position I would play. How would I know if I’ve never really played organized volleyball in years? I was asked to play opposite back row. I wouldn’t even serve throughout the game. “Fuck. I’m only back here since I’m the most useless person on the court. They just need a sixth.” I asked the other players to direct me on what ground to cover and they reminded me that I was a D set. There wasn’t a prayer in heaven or hell that would make me call for a D set.
Familiar faces were watching, so I had to play as best as I could.
I felt like it was high school all over again. I would sit on the bench with whatever injury I had and just watch. I was on the team, but I was that misfit all over again. Everyone else on the team was talking to each other and I was just “that guy who showed up so we should let him play.” I accepted my impending doom and played. I played my heart out.
Fast-forward to a battered me, leaving the event with a huge smile on my face. My wrists are icing up as I reflect on what I learned today. However, the high I feel trumps the physical pain.
I got over myself and looked at the experience with a fresh eye.
Though I stood under my cloud of uncertainty, the encouragement I received made me feel like I was part of something bigger, something important. I was able to make a few plays, which made me hungrier. The high fives and laughs made me actually feel like I gelled with the rest of the players. Just hearing, “Good hustle!” “Good up!” saved me from myself. I heard my friends cheering for me. I was elevated.
It was in that moment when I remembered why I loved playing volleyball. I remembered that even though I saw myself as the weakest link, I couldn’t allow myself to have the weakest spirit. Now that I think about it, the mere invitation to play among them should have been what boosted my morale in the first place. Looking back, I honestly can say that I tried my best with what I had. I had an amazing time.
Today’s event, replaced those ill feelings of inadequacy that I harbored all throughout high school. I now see that there’s some volleyball in there somewhere and no matter what skill level I’m at, that I’m still part of a team that’s generations strong. I was proud of myself for not dying on that court, but more importantly proud that I didn’t give up. After all, they didn’t give me up on me, right?
After a rocky start, I was redeemed from my former, teenage self who wanted more than sitting on the bench as the injured JV setter. My injuries didn’t allow me to play a single league game for 2 years. However, I think that today, I played the best game of my life and it was long overdue.
Faster, higher, stronger; that's what I need to be next time. I’ll pay my dues to reach the top that I only stared at from below.
A part of me was awakened and you know what? It feels pretty fucking awesome to wake up.
Eagle Rock Volleyball Alumni Day 2011: check.
I was first asked to play in the Alumni vs. Varsity game. Long story short, after sitting out for most of the game, the coach asked me to play back row. I honestly didn’t remember how to move around the court or any of the rotations. After 2 horribly shanked passes later, I convinced myself that I had no business being on the court. I mustered a fake grin when the other players ribbed me for a job badly done. I understood that it was all in good fun, but I quietly held in my humiliation.
I wanted to get it over with.
The next game, I was asked to play in an all-alumni game. Feigning enthusiasm, I joined so I didn’t look like a poor sport. I had no idea what position I would play. How would I know if I’ve never really played organized volleyball in years? I was asked to play opposite back row. I wouldn’t even serve throughout the game. “Fuck. I’m only back here since I’m the most useless person on the court. They just need a sixth.” I asked the other players to direct me on what ground to cover and they reminded me that I was a D set. There wasn’t a prayer in heaven or hell that would make me call for a D set.
Familiar faces were watching, so I had to play as best as I could.
I felt like it was high school all over again. I would sit on the bench with whatever injury I had and just watch. I was on the team, but I was that misfit all over again. Everyone else on the team was talking to each other and I was just “that guy who showed up so we should let him play.” I accepted my impending doom and played. I played my heart out.
Fast-forward to a battered me, leaving the event with a huge smile on my face. My wrists are icing up as I reflect on what I learned today. However, the high I feel trumps the physical pain.
I got over myself and looked at the experience with a fresh eye.
Though I stood under my cloud of uncertainty, the encouragement I received made me feel like I was part of something bigger, something important. I was able to make a few plays, which made me hungrier. The high fives and laughs made me actually feel like I gelled with the rest of the players. Just hearing, “Good hustle!” “Good up!” saved me from myself. I heard my friends cheering for me. I was elevated.
It was in that moment when I remembered why I loved playing volleyball. I remembered that even though I saw myself as the weakest link, I couldn’t allow myself to have the weakest spirit. Now that I think about it, the mere invitation to play among them should have been what boosted my morale in the first place. Looking back, I honestly can say that I tried my best with what I had. I had an amazing time.
Today’s event, replaced those ill feelings of inadequacy that I harbored all throughout high school. I now see that there’s some volleyball in there somewhere and no matter what skill level I’m at, that I’m still part of a team that’s generations strong. I was proud of myself for not dying on that court, but more importantly proud that I didn’t give up. After all, they didn’t give me up on me, right?
After a rocky start, I was redeemed from my former, teenage self who wanted more than sitting on the bench as the injured JV setter. My injuries didn’t allow me to play a single league game for 2 years. However, I think that today, I played the best game of my life and it was long overdue.
Faster, higher, stronger; that's what I need to be next time. I’ll pay my dues to reach the top that I only stared at from below.
A part of me was awakened and you know what? It feels pretty fucking awesome to wake up.
Eagle Rock Volleyball Alumni Day 2011: check.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I've gone through this before and I know that after experiencing this several times, that I'm wrong. I'm torn. I want to keep going, but I want to nip it in the bud. The problem here is, I'm not quite sure if there's anything to cut.
...and that, ladies & gentlemen, is entirely my fault.
I can't win or lose a fight when it's with myself. Way to go, Mark.
WAY. TO. GO.
...and that, ladies & gentlemen, is entirely my fault.
I can't win or lose a fight when it's with myself. Way to go, Mark.
WAY. TO. GO.
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