Fantastic Four

At one point in my life, I thought I had a set group of downe friends. Unfortunately, not all of us were able to see eye to eye and there were some obvious conflicts within the group. Fortunately, I was able to keep one of them and really call them a friend.

Since then, I longed to be in a group that was more coherent. I see that Arnell has that. I see how he happy he is to have his group: Emmett, Nate and Geof. Sometimes, I'd feel like I'm on the sidelines watching him interact with them. I know I'm a part of the group, but only to a point. I'll never be part of that top four. It's not that they leave me out, but I can only be "in" with the group so much.

Those guys really make me feel welcomed. It's nice to be part of an adult group of gay men who appreciate ADULT things without really letting go of the immaturity factor. Even though the group may be amended once in awhile, it's nice to know that I'm considered family.

I've had gay friends who were my age, but I learned that age isn't always an indicator of maturity and wisdom. However, "the fellas" (as my boyfriend lovingly refers them as) make me feel like I have good friends on the downe side of my life. As stupid as we can be, I can't think of any other group that I can really be a part of. They've accepted me as Mark, not as RnL's boyfriend...but as an individual who is a part of a family that's constantly growing and thriving together.

It was fun to venture to Vegas together, and now we're going to Time Square. I know that this group will always be a part of me.

Thanks to you beb, you put me in a place I've always wanted to be. A downe family...

TOKOBOTS!

I got a new game for my PSP. YAY!

I haven't purchased a video game for myself in a really long time. I'm awesome.

Premium Pass to Disneylandsapointment

A friend told me that she'd be pissed off if she didn't get anything from her husband for her birthday. That happened to me twice and I still wasn't really phased by it; until tonight that is...

Mad? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not too pleased right now.

I was supposed to get a Premuim Pass to Disneyland for my birthday back in September, but I never got it. Actually, I ended up buying a Deluxe Pass for myself instead. He was supposed to have it upgraded ASAP, but a best friend got expensive gifts for HIS birthday instead. It left me wondering why I don't get things like that from him. I wasn't about to say anything, after all, it's his best friend.

Two birthdays and one Christmas later, I finally received a beautiful gift. I really appreciate it, I really do. My friend asked if I had received my pass upgrade yet. I said no and she asked me why I didn't say anything. "MARK! That was supposed to be your birthday gift and you STILL didn't get it?!"

I don't know. I'm not one to think that I deserve nice expensive things. I'll admit, I do expect it from the ones who love me the most, but I'm sorta used to not getting them. I guess in my head, it's better to work hard and get them for myself instead. After all, that's how I got my Annual Pass right?

Tonight, was my only full day off before he left for the bay. I was so excited to go to Disneyland and CA Adventure with him and Lisa. I should have known better than to put my hopes up. I had a feeling that today was going to be a blockout date.

How am I supposed to feel? I mean I felt like he worried more about his best friend's birthday than mine. I understand that it's his best friend, but I felt pretty small when he was telling me what he got him for his birthday; impulsively might I add. I thought it was going to be upgraded when he starts working again. He's been working for HOW long now? It's selfish of me to dwell on it, but come on. TWO birthdays in a row?

Finally, the fact that I have a limited pass blew up in his face. So now, I'm dressed up with no where to go and he's off to the happiest fucking place on earth. I have $20 in my pocket and no where to spend it.

All he could say was "Sorry. I should have gotten the upgrade instead of the necklace. If I was rich, I would get you that pass." Shouldn't I have received both from you? You promised me a pass, but I got the Deluxe one myself. I didn't ask you to be rich. I couldn't ask you why I didn't get my pass to begin with...

Fuck it. I'm going to change and go to sleep or something. This is stupid.

I hope you had fun. I didn't...

...or at least learned something. I sure did.

Do I really have the right to ask you for something like this? Do I have the right to be upset about it? Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm so fucking passive. ugh.

But really, have I failed to get you something for you? I don't know. It feels really selfish to get all upset about something like this. But, how would you feel if I just didn't get you anything for your 25th Birthday; if I didn't fly up there and STILL get you something? How would you feel if I didn't bother getting you anything at all? I mean even if I couldn't afford it, I'd get it as soon as I got the chance to..but then again, that's just me.

I know I sound really selfish right now, but I'm kinda hurt.

Thanks beb. The "snow" was really nice. =)

I've never been to Disneyland during the Christmas season. Yeah, it's official. My Christmas spirit has been rekindled.

Too bad we didn't get to eat in the park. ha. HOB was still cool with the great company we were in.

Thanks again.

For I Have Sinned

Last night, I hesitantly stepped into a confessional.

Obviously, I'm not going to discuss what I talked about with the priest, but I will however, tell you what I got out of it.

I learned that forgiveness is not in one's feelings, but in the will to do so. I think that I need to let go of things that have been weighing me down. I need to let go of grudges and just forgive others and be forgiven. It's better for me to deal with my life rather than completely dismiss the issues. There are things that make no difference to me. However, I should validate myself by validating others. I need to be less selfish and pray for fortitude to right my wrongs; no matter how small or big.

I also realized that there are things bigger than I am. I need to wake up and be responsible for myself and for those who depend on me. I am a role model to so many people, but I think I need to set an example for myself. I need to set bigger goals.

I need to respect myself, my family, my friends, and those who don't respect me. I realized that I matter to people. Why else would some be irked by my actions (or even lack of actions)? I also cannot expect others to receive me the way I want them to. I'm selfish and I have to be more aware of others.

My advice to to you: Examine yourself. Assess your life.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm happy that I've been pointed in the right direction.

Calm Waters, Mark... calm waters.

When someone pushes others away, they'd eventually run out of people to push. It saddens me that some people choose not to give others a chance to connect. I'm not the most confident guy in the world, but when others sell themselves short, I feel really bad. I try to look for the best in people. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

I always thought that based on the first minute you talk to someone, you can already figure out the chemistry you'd have with this person...assuming they're being honest to begin with. Hey, I'm a nice guy if you really get to know who I am.

Did I just lose a chance to make a friend?

Merry Chrismahauna-wha?

For the first time in a long time I felt the Christmas cheer early. I also realized how fast it be can crushed. All of a sudden, I just lost the will to Christmas shop. In fact, I even returned a few things.

Thanks self, now you have more money to spend.

It's one of the biggest holidays for me, but apparently some people don't understand how I feel about it...but I shouldn't expect others to.

Great. It's gonna take a lot of red and green to bring my spirits back up.

If I Ain't Got Him

After an interesting shift, the hubs came by to shop with me after I clocked out. Just spending time with him really made me feel a lot better. On the way home, he called me and told me to turn to a certain radio station and listen. The song just made me smile.

Yeah, it's always the little things that count the most. There isn't any other man out there who could ever man up the way he does.

Some people want it all.

I have it.

Wishful Thinking

I'm totally feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure why it's different this year, since it usually takes me a while to warm up to the whole Christmas dealie. Below is a list what I could use. My friends aren't totally sure what to get me. I'm a hard one to shop for. I tend to be a little on the pricey side...haha. If you know me and know what I'd like then don't read any further. If you need an idea, then I guess you can read on. ha. This is totally going to me amended from time to time so make sure you check.

Crap you should know:
Pants: 32 x 29 or 30
Shirts: XS or SM
Shoes: 9.5

Pricey Crap:
- T | X Palm Handheld
- T | X Keyboard
- A Premium Pass upgrade
- The Musical History of Disneyland
- Wacom Intuos Tablet (6 x 11 or 9 x 12)
- Video iPod (30 GB+)

Not as Pricey Crap:
- Black or Blue FCUK (block letter) Hoodie – Sz SM
- New Black Chucks Sz 9.5
- A new BI FOLD wallet
- Bluetooth dongle
- subscription to HOW & Communication Arts

Crap for my PSP:
- Virtua Tennis: World Tour for my PSP
- NBA Street Showdown for my PSP
- WSOP or WPT for my PSP
- A new 1 GB for my PSP

More crap for my PSP:
- The Incredibles UMD
- Kung Fu Hustle UMD
- American Pie Series UMD
- Chappelle show Season 1 vol. one UMD
- Family Guy Vol. 1 UMD
- Fanastic 4 UMD
- Fight Club UMD
- Guess Who UMD
- Mr. & Mrs. Smith UMD
- Music In High Places: India Arie Live in Brazil UMD
- The Nightmare Before Christmas UMD
- Office Space UMD
- Pirates of the Carribean UMD
- Rounders UMD
- Swingers UMD
- There’s Something About Mary UMD
- Toy Story UMD
- Viewtiful Joe UMD
- The Wedding Crashers UMD
- White Chicks UMD

Rent To Own Opinions

I have a big pet peeve that I don't tell people about. I absolutely hate it when someone ruins a book, play, movie...basically anything that has a plot. From the time my mom asked me if The Sixth Sense was the one where Bruce was a ghost to the time where a friend asked me if I saw Ziyi's "blindness" in The House of Flying Daggers coming...I just can't take other's talking about something that I wanted to experience for myself. Come on, I was pissed off when all these faggots from Downelink revealed the results of the first Project Runway.

This is how I feel about RENT right now. I'm torn whether I should see the movie or not. I'm most likely going to see the stageplay when I go to New York this spring. However...I have heard the soundtrack over and over again. Don't ask why. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy listening to it, but I don't want to piece the whole thing together.

Yeah, I don't like it when someone pokes me and tells me to pay attention or I'll miss something. I don't like it when someone says "I love this part...watch!" I can't say that I've never done that, but I guess I just realized how distracting that can really be.

I don't normally make a big deal about it, but I've been wanting to see RENT for the longest time. My jones got even worse in 1999 when my choir performed "Seasons of Love." I guess I just want to keep that mystery alive. I want to be in awe when I finally see it for the frist time. God forbid I have someone detract from my Broadway experience...like the time I saw the Lion King with Selley. ha. Inquiring little girls don't belong on Broadway unless I paid them to entertain me.

Maybe that's why I don't want to see the movie, but part of me wants to see it. Again, I've heard the music. Trust me, I've heard the original cast recording in its entireity at least 3 times. I should stop. Really...I should.

Honestly, I'm a little frustrated with the decision. I guess it kinda helps that my boyfriend already saw the movie without me. He also saw the play three times with the original cast. What's also getting to me is his comparison between the movie and the original cast and the original cast with the up and coming new cast that will be performing in New York. I bet it's different when you've seen this play evolve, but I don't want that magic taken away from me. I don't want to have a single biased thought in my head when I finally experience it for myself.

Come January, I will forbid myself to listen, read, or watch anything that has to do with RENT. I want to see it with a fresh eye. I want to form MY OWN OPINIONS. I want to see it and experience it, but it's weird knowing that I have the chance to see it live on stage.

Seeing RENT was a dream of mine for almost 7 years...it's just kind of dying and it's making me a little dissapointed about it.