Aimee's debut went off without a hitch. Everyone was talking about everything: the flowers, programs, photography, the video, and everything else that was in plain view. The night was great and the group did a great job.
I'm glad I was able to be a big part of this celebration. I've never been behind the scenes before, and it's MUCH harder than being in the court. I know I pissed and moaned about it a lot. I know that I was on edge for quite a while. Although ripped my hair out and had gone over 24 hours without a wink of sleep at least twice, I had a hell of a time doing it. Just seeing and hearing the reaction to what we had created that night. There was a lot of love and energy in that ballroom.
Congratulations Aimee! You're 18 now. Let's go out and have some fun!
I love you with all my heart.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
An image is certainly worth more than a mere 1000 words. Just like with a mask, we must look past the aesthetic value and recognize what's real; what's important.
I accept the flaws and distortions, because without them, the photo is not complete. No one is perfect and there's no reason to expect perfection from another person. No matter how distorted your picture may be, the essence of the photo is what matters to me the most.
Memories are the treasures of the mind. They are buried within. Sometimes they are lost and never to discovered again. Other times they are kept, never to be discarded. Although we share very little memories now, there are still many more treasures to obtain. Everything, the good and the bad, will be remembered...as everything should be.
Not all photographs are beautiful, but each has a story, and we should all be able to listen and understand. From contrast to composition, everything counts in a photograph. I'll try to never forget what is really important to me...
I accept the flaws and distortions, because without them, the photo is not complete. No one is perfect and there's no reason to expect perfection from another person. No matter how distorted your picture may be, the essence of the photo is what matters to me the most.
Memories are the treasures of the mind. They are buried within. Sometimes they are lost and never to discovered again. Other times they are kept, never to be discarded. Although we share very little memories now, there are still many more treasures to obtain. Everything, the good and the bad, will be remembered...as everything should be.
Not all photographs are beautiful, but each has a story, and we should all be able to listen and understand. From contrast to composition, everything counts in a photograph. I'll try to never forget what is really important to me...
Monday, January 26, 2004
For once i want to see the world through someone else's eyes.....
My eyes are not focused, yet you still choose to see through them. My vision is impaired, yet you choose to take me by the hand and lead. My eyes have seen a lot of things and cried many times. I hope I can show you what I see. You can't find out much by looking into my eyes. Look through them and tell me what you see.
I am far from perfect. I am not even remotely close to excellence. I can't create a rational explanation for why I feel this way. I still don't understand why I am even worthy of your attention. I guess I have no reason to complain either.
Mark continues to walk backwards down a narrow, dirt road. He cannot see ahead of him as he doesn't know what the future holds. He can only see what lies behind him; visions of a past that he doesn't regret. Lost loves, broken promises, faded friendships... Once again he walks the path alone. Before he finishes building himself back up, someone takes him by the hand despite his fragile nature. He asks to walk along side him..."Slowly," Mark whispers. "Just...slowly."
My eyes are not focused, yet you still choose to see through them. My vision is impaired, yet you choose to take me by the hand and lead. My eyes have seen a lot of things and cried many times. I hope I can show you what I see. You can't find out much by looking into my eyes. Look through them and tell me what you see.
I am far from perfect. I am not even remotely close to excellence. I can't create a rational explanation for why I feel this way. I still don't understand why I am even worthy of your attention. I guess I have no reason to complain either.
Mark continues to walk backwards down a narrow, dirt road. He cannot see ahead of him as he doesn't know what the future holds. He can only see what lies behind him; visions of a past that he doesn't regret. Lost loves, broken promises, faded friendships... Once again he walks the path alone. Before he finishes building himself back up, someone takes him by the hand despite his fragile nature. He asks to walk along side him..."Slowly," Mark whispers. "Just...slowly."
Sunday, January 25, 2004
I always thought that most jokes had a hint of truth. I guess this time I was right. I played a joke with a guy that lasted all night and even at some points of the night, I was hoping that the joke would go too far. I was also wishing that it wasn't an act that we tried to front. My concern for my own image and my insecurities held me back. There was something I liked about him, but would it be in bad taste to test the waters considering we had just met? It was obvious to my other friends that I was attracted to him.
Oddly enough the circumstances ended up bringing him and his best friend to spend the night. NO...nothing happened, but there was a lot of talking going on.
Tonight the "other half" of the joke surfaced. I admitted that I was attracted to him and I was glad, and frankly, quite surprised that he was attracted to me. We talked about everything to make sure that we were on the same page.
You can never take words back. Once they are heard or read, they're out there.
I think I'm gonna take this one slowly. I don't expect anything to come out of this. I'm tired of relying on a hope. I'm tired of myself. I'm going to take this as a sign to change; a time to improve myself.
A guy caught my attention. Now let's see if he can catch everything else. heh.
Oddly enough the circumstances ended up bringing him and his best friend to spend the night. NO...nothing happened, but there was a lot of talking going on.
Tonight the "other half" of the joke surfaced. I admitted that I was attracted to him and I was glad, and frankly, quite surprised that he was attracted to me. We talked about everything to make sure that we were on the same page.
You can never take words back. Once they are heard or read, they're out there.
I think I'm gonna take this one slowly. I don't expect anything to come out of this. I'm tired of relying on a hope. I'm tired of myself. I'm going to take this as a sign to change; a time to improve myself.
A guy caught my attention. Now let's see if he can catch everything else. heh.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
I had so much fun these past 2 nights I went to Tigerheat, with some UCR people and then Rage with the Norwalk people. I met some new friends and even created a mystique. I won't get into it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.
Thanks to Jason, Dave, Leander, Chris, Lei and, Charles for a banging time last night. You guys are awesome.
Thanks to Jason, Dave, Leander, Chris, Lei and, Charles for a banging time last night. You guys are awesome.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
I made a new friend last night. I guess it's just weird to know that being myself would catch someone's attention (to some extent). It turns out his friend had sent him my profile and thought (maybe jokingly) it would be a good idea to say hi to me. With all things considered, him and I had a good conversation...and I hope I didn't get him into some trouble. haha. I keep forgetting I'm pretty much the only one who is still on vacation.
The reason why I've been so MIA with this blogger is because I've been doing Aimee's video. I'm quite happy with the progress I have made and I hope that she likes the end product too. It's hard work, but it's totally cool with me. It keeps me busy and I find it fun to do. I know I complain about doing it a lot...but honestly, I enjot doing it and I love to watch the added parts. I feel so empowered when I add like 6 seconds to my section. hahaha. I know it sounds weird, but you just have to do it to know what I mean.
This one's for you Aimee! hahaha. Luckily the work hasn't cracked my sanity...yet.
It's getting hot in here...is it bebcause I'm going Tiger Heat? hahahaha. I'll explain why I'm going there tonight. My friend poopers is funny.
I really should get back to my laundry and get my haircut. It's super fro-licious. bah.
The reason why I've been so MIA with this blogger is because I've been doing Aimee's video. I'm quite happy with the progress I have made and I hope that she likes the end product too. It's hard work, but it's totally cool with me. It keeps me busy and I find it fun to do. I know I complain about doing it a lot...but honestly, I enjot doing it and I love to watch the added parts. I feel so empowered when I add like 6 seconds to my section. hahaha. I know it sounds weird, but you just have to do it to know what I mean.
This one's for you Aimee! hahaha. Luckily the work hasn't cracked my sanity...yet.
It's getting hot in here...is it bebcause I'm going Tiger Heat? hahahaha. I'll explain why I'm going there tonight. My friend poopers is funny.
I really should get back to my laundry and get my haircut. It's super fro-licious. bah.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
I really need to change this layout. I think I'm going to do it this weekend. I'm on a creative streak right now. Oh, I just remembered that I was supposed to do a pictorial of my room. haha. I promised my UNF buds the last time we talked which was like a bazillion months ago.
Leave a comment if any of you want me to do that. haha.
Leave a comment if any of you want me to do that. haha.
I try to sleep early and BAM I wake up super early...WTF is that?! Oh well, at least I made myself a big breakfast. =)
I guess sometimes things don't work out the way we intend them too. We prepare for the worst possible scenario, yet most of the time it's never the worst case. I never wanted to dissapoint nor did I want hurt his feelings. No. I'm not talking about the ex. Anyway, I did like the time we spent together...but maybe it's not the right time for me to jump just yet. I think I'm going to look after my well-being first. I feel I need and deserve that. It would be unfair to give myself to someone, when I'm not even complete. It's hard to say no to a sweet guy, but I guess the timing was wrong on both ends. Neither of us can say that we didn't give "us" a try. Maybe something was off with the chemistry...I'd bet that it was probably me. The only thing that I can guarantee in the future is that we'll be friends. Oh and thanks for saying that there was nothing wrong with my milkshake...LOL. I'm sure that I'll eventually be ready for a relationship. The only person I need to focus on is myself. Gotta look out for number one...heh.
We promised that we'd be friends first. I mean, I don't have a lot of downe friends I can just go to and vegetate with. I like that. I think I need that. I feel like one of the guys for once. I don't have to feel "different" because the rest of my friends around me are straight. It's not that I don't appreciate the straight friends that I have, but let's face it... Sometimes I feel like the token queer of the group. Can't I be in the majority for once? I mean sure I joke around a lot and I can be light about my sexuality, but sometimes I don't want it to be broadcasted, you know? If you're wondering, I'm not talking about what happened yesterday or anytime specifically...I'm just being general.
(Hey, if you're reading this...I still owe you dinner and a movie. hahaha.)
I guess sometimes things don't work out the way we intend them too. We prepare for the worst possible scenario, yet most of the time it's never the worst case. I never wanted to dissapoint nor did I want hurt his feelings. No. I'm not talking about the ex. Anyway, I did like the time we spent together...but maybe it's not the right time for me to jump just yet. I think I'm going to look after my well-being first. I feel I need and deserve that. It would be unfair to give myself to someone, when I'm not even complete. It's hard to say no to a sweet guy, but I guess the timing was wrong on both ends. Neither of us can say that we didn't give "us" a try. Maybe something was off with the chemistry...I'd bet that it was probably me. The only thing that I can guarantee in the future is that we'll be friends. Oh and thanks for saying that there was nothing wrong with my milkshake...LOL. I'm sure that I'll eventually be ready for a relationship. The only person I need to focus on is myself. Gotta look out for number one...heh.
We promised that we'd be friends first. I mean, I don't have a lot of downe friends I can just go to and vegetate with. I like that. I think I need that. I feel like one of the guys for once. I don't have to feel "different" because the rest of my friends around me are straight. It's not that I don't appreciate the straight friends that I have, but let's face it... Sometimes I feel like the token queer of the group. Can't I be in the majority for once? I mean sure I joke around a lot and I can be light about my sexuality, but sometimes I don't want it to be broadcasted, you know? If you're wondering, I'm not talking about what happened yesterday or anytime specifically...I'm just being general.
(Hey, if you're reading this...I still owe you dinner and a movie. hahaha.)
Friday, January 16, 2004
I just don't get it. Today, all I could think about was the ex. Everything seemed to have some sort of reminder...every little damned thing. Needless to say, I didn't let it get the best of me, but it just seemed unsettling to think about him...especially that I know that at this point, it's just hopeless.
I don't know why I miss him all of a sudden. I don't know why I even feel this way. I feel so stupid for even bringing him up. I'm over it but then at the same time I feel like I'm not.
Just take a deep breath, Mark. My world is fine the way it is. There's no need to change it. I just gotta keep building right? heh. I guess this heifer has to explore the pasture a little more... Although I miss the relationship, it's kinda nice to be on my own.
I guess I need to keep building myself up. I need to get a job. I need to get myself together. I need to know what I want out of myself before I share it with the world. Self esteem issues? Maybe...just a little bit.
Mark needs to go out and have himself a grand old time. I'm ready for Saturday.
I don't know why I miss him all of a sudden. I don't know why I even feel this way. I feel so stupid for even bringing him up. I'm over it but then at the same time I feel like I'm not.
Just take a deep breath, Mark. My world is fine the way it is. There's no need to change it. I just gotta keep building right? heh. I guess this heifer has to explore the pasture a little more... Although I miss the relationship, it's kinda nice to be on my own.
I guess I need to keep building myself up. I need to get a job. I need to get myself together. I need to know what I want out of myself before I share it with the world. Self esteem issues? Maybe...just a little bit.
Mark needs to go out and have himself a grand old time. I'm ready for Saturday.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
I've been spending a lot of time with my bro, sis, and nephew...so much in fact that I got sick! hahaha. In any case, ever since vegas, Simon and I have been making some competition out of something. We've decided to dub our events as the "2004 Twinlympics." The way we officiate is that if we agree on the event in question. Here are the current standings as of this date.
Twinlympics 2004:
Gir Drop @ Las Vegas - Mark (2 - 0) (19-15 & 32-30)
Cardboard Fencing @ Eagle Rock - Mark
16-bit Super Mario Kart Battle mode @ Eagle Rock - Mark (15-13)
No Limit Head's Up Texas Hold 'em Poker @ Torrance - Simon
Here are the standings:
Mark: 3 events
Simon: 1 event
*Any suggestions for more events? haha*
Twinlympics 2004:
Gir Drop @ Las Vegas - Mark (2 - 0) (19-15 & 32-30)
Cardboard Fencing @ Eagle Rock - Mark
16-bit Super Mario Kart Battle mode @ Eagle Rock - Mark (15-13)
No Limit Head's Up Texas Hold 'em Poker @ Torrance - Simon
Here are the standings:
Mark: 3 events
Simon: 1 event
*Any suggestions for more events? haha*
Saturday, January 10, 2004
I really don't know what to make of tonight. I don't know what motivated me to act a certain way. I'm not sure what my motives are...if any.
I had a great time tonight, but with a few minor details that would make one think. heh. Did I do that because I was just following his lead? Did I do that just because "I was in the moment?" Am I just on the rebound and need to fill that hole? Even worse...Did I do it to spite the ex? I doubt that, but I just don't know what to make of the situation.
I don't know if I like him. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to expect of myself. I don't know why this is happening. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want to lead on anyone. I certainly don't want to leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. (I meant that figuratively you sickos.) All I do know is that I really like spending time with him and his best friend. God forbid I tear them apart...I just jumped in the mix recently...so obviously I have no right to meddle.
As of now, I can't determine my feelings. We agreed on good friends...that's all I see us being right now. Maybe I don't recognize the potential. Maybe I'm thinking too much...or not enough. The little man inside isn't jumping like the other times...so I don't know. I'm still a little frazzled emotionally, but after tonight and our "drunken talk," I don't know what to think.
I'm not saying that I don't like him. I'm not saying that I do. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I guess it was just a good idea at the time. You know how they say that you shouldn't rest on your laurels? Maybe that's a good place for me to rest for time being. Hurt feelings is NEVER worth good friends.
No. I don't regret my actions.
_.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._.._..
In someone's eyes, I'm the unattainable. In someone's eyes, I'm the guy that's too good. In someone's eyes, I'm intimidating merely because they're attracted to me. In someone's eyes, I make them so nervous their heart beats and their breath shortens.
I want that feeling to be mutual between me and someone else. Why can't I tell when I'm in that position? Well, if ever...
I want time to stop when I know my heart is pushing me.
I want to stop being so confused about everything.
I don't want to settle. I don't want the other person to settle either.
I'm not a perfect guy...If I was, then I'd be pretty boring.
I had a great time tonight, but with a few minor details that would make one think. heh. Did I do that because I was just following his lead? Did I do that just because "I was in the moment?" Am I just on the rebound and need to fill that hole? Even worse...Did I do it to spite the ex? I doubt that, but I just don't know what to make of the situation.
I don't know if I like him. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to expect of myself. I don't know why this is happening. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want to lead on anyone. I certainly don't want to leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. (I meant that figuratively you sickos.) All I do know is that I really like spending time with him and his best friend. God forbid I tear them apart...I just jumped in the mix recently...so obviously I have no right to meddle.
As of now, I can't determine my feelings. We agreed on good friends...that's all I see us being right now. Maybe I don't recognize the potential. Maybe I'm thinking too much...or not enough. The little man inside isn't jumping like the other times...so I don't know. I'm still a little frazzled emotionally, but after tonight and our "drunken talk," I don't know what to think.
I'm not saying that I don't like him. I'm not saying that I do. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I guess it was just a good idea at the time. You know how they say that you shouldn't rest on your laurels? Maybe that's a good place for me to rest for time being. Hurt feelings is NEVER worth good friends.
No. I don't regret my actions.
In someone's eyes, I'm the unattainable. In someone's eyes, I'm the guy that's too good. In someone's eyes, I'm intimidating merely because they're attracted to me. In someone's eyes, I make them so nervous their heart beats and their breath shortens.
I want that feeling to be mutual between me and someone else. Why can't I tell when I'm in that position? Well, if ever...
I want time to stop when I know my heart is pushing me.
I want to stop being so confused about everything.
I don't want to settle. I don't want the other person to settle either.
I'm not a perfect guy...If I was, then I'd be pretty boring.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Love and Honesty...
How strong is love? Is it so strong that one can harbor hate and disdain? Someone said something recently that was fueled by reasonable feelings. I was hurt by it, but at the same time, there's really nothing I could do about it. I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to risk making a scene. I guess love is strong enough to have someone loathe another. *sigh*
I wish everyone got along. I feel like I've been placed in a weird position between 2 people.
Honesty. Someone was brutally honest with me. Not only because we were piss drunk, but something was bound to be said eventually. Thanks for being honest. There are no promises but at least we cleared the air.
I'm still pretty confused about a lot of things...but at least I'm able to work with what I have.
I made some new friends too. I need some downe friends....
How strong is love? Is it so strong that one can harbor hate and disdain? Someone said something recently that was fueled by reasonable feelings. I was hurt by it, but at the same time, there's really nothing I could do about it. I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to risk making a scene. I guess love is strong enough to have someone loathe another. *sigh*
I wish everyone got along. I feel like I've been placed in a weird position between 2 people.
Honesty. Someone was brutally honest with me. Not only because we were piss drunk, but something was bound to be said eventually. Thanks for being honest. There are no promises but at least we cleared the air.
I'm still pretty confused about a lot of things...but at least I'm able to work with what I have.
I made some new friends too. I need some downe friends....
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Sometimes I feel like I need an instruction manual. Unfortunately, I don't have one of myself to thumb through. Why am I so confused? (Note that I didn't say I was upset...) I want a relationship...but at the same time, I don't know if I'm ready. I don't even know where to look if I did want a relationship. Part of me thinks that I'm still on the rebound and that's why I'm looking. I've accepted the my fate with the ex, but I keep asking myself if I'm going to find someone like him or better...if that's even possible. Anyone got some cute and AVAILABLE friends?! Ugh. I dunno...maybe I'm looking in the wrong places...if what I'm doing is considered looking. hahaha.
Anyway, I spent the day with Aiyah and we went out. That was fun..."You'll find someone." She said. I hope so. Thanks for the outing Aiyah. I had a great time. I've missed you so. Thanks for the tea tree shampoo. I can't wait to give it a test run.
If my milkshake was okay, then why is my yard empty?!?!?
Anyway, I spent the day with Aiyah and we went out. That was fun..."You'll find someone." She said. I hope so. Thanks for the outing Aiyah. I had a great time. I've missed you so. Thanks for the tea tree shampoo. I can't wait to give it a test run.
If my milkshake was okay, then why is my yard empty?!?!?
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
I admit it. I'm jealous. I know I'm not in front of the line. I know that I had my chance. I know I won't get that second chance. He won't love me anymore. He won't miss me anymore. Why does it seem totally okay for me while at the same time I get bugged by it? Why do I feel like I'm being sized up and looking like I'm not good enough for anyone else? Why don't I feel satisfactory? I think it's because I'm not quite ready to date yet. Why do I compare other guys to my ex? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO CONFUSED? On top of that, why am I having dreams about him?!
Everyone knows that it's natural to feel jealous when you know you're getting replaced.
Why can't I date some other guy? Do you know why?
Because he's NOT you.
I'm not saying I'm NOT okay. I am. Just confused and a little insecure. But no matter what, you KNOW that I'm here for you when you need me. Don't hesitate to call if you need to talk. I know things are a little frustrating for you...and there's no way I'd ditch you.
-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-
I think my milkshake drives the boys away from my yard.
Everyone knows that it's natural to feel jealous when you know you're getting replaced.
Why can't I date some other guy? Do you know why?
Because he's NOT you.
I'm not saying I'm NOT okay. I am. Just confused and a little insecure. But no matter what, you KNOW that I'm here for you when you need me. Don't hesitate to call if you need to talk. I know things are a little frustrating for you...and there's no way I'd ditch you.
I think my milkshake drives the boys away from my yard.
Monday, January 05, 2004
I went out with some new people tonight...It's nice to expand "downtown" hahaha. Inside joke.
Poop, you're right...Big Fish was a great movie.
It had a slow start but I liked how the entire thing began to piece together. The ending made me very emotional because it reminded me of my Lolo who passed away almost a year ago. I don't want to say anything so I don't give away the story. I just remembered my Lolo and how much he really loved us. He did these magic tricks so much that he became the magic to us. *sigh* There I go being all emo again.
Anyway, I had fun tonight and it was kinda random. I feel kind of bad though. Jason, I owe you dinner and a movie.
Life is just normal now...
Poop, you're right...Big Fish was a great movie.
It had a slow start but I liked how the entire thing began to piece together. The ending made me very emotional because it reminded me of my Lolo who passed away almost a year ago. I don't want to say anything so I don't give away the story. I just remembered my Lolo and how much he really loved us. He did these magic tricks so much that he became the magic to us. *sigh* There I go being all emo again.
Anyway, I had fun tonight and it was kinda random. I feel kind of bad though. Jason, I owe you dinner and a movie.
Life is just normal now...
Sunday, January 04, 2004
It's the small things that people do that matter the most. I got a lot of closure the past few days and I feel so much better about everything. I feel like I cleared the air and finally said what I wanted to tell him. Things are easier knowing he knows where I stand, how I feel, and what I think. Whoever snags him is one lucky guy. But honestly, whoever snags me has some big shoes to fill. But like you...I got pickier. haha. Let's face it...how many great guys just happen to fall into your lap? (or in my case the same car to disneyland) I'm ready to walk alone now that the baggage is light enough to carry.
This song is the most accurate way to describe how I feel right now.
Soaring - Sydney Forest From Hayao Miyazaki's Kiki's Delivery Service
My heart is ready to beat
I can feel the wind underneath my feet
I'm gonna jump over the moon
Hands in the air waving up like a balloon
I'm free as a bird
Lost in the stars and waving down to earth
Don't know where I'm gonna land
But you gotta wobble before you stand
I'm soaring
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring
And I know my heart will lead me home
Just look in my eyes
Can't you see I'm not the same today
I can see farther now
Step off the edge I'm making my own way
Don't know where I'm gonna land
But you gotta wobble before you stand
I'm soaring
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring
And I know my heart will lead me home
And I know that I gonna touch the skies
I'm soaring
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring
And I know my heart will lead me home
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring...
This song is the most accurate way to describe how I feel right now.
My heart is ready to beat
I can feel the wind underneath my feet
I'm gonna jump over the moon
Hands in the air waving up like a balloon
I'm free as a bird
Lost in the stars and waving down to earth
Don't know where I'm gonna land
But you gotta wobble before you stand
I'm soaring
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring
And I know my heart will lead me home
Just look in my eyes
Can't you see I'm not the same today
I can see farther now
Step off the edge I'm making my own way
Don't know where I'm gonna land
But you gotta wobble before you stand
I'm soaring
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring
And I know my heart will lead me home
And I know that I gonna touch the skies
I'm soaring
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring
And I know my heart will lead me home
All alone and on my own
I'm soaring...
Saturday, January 03, 2004
It's funny how the heart and the head act completely independant of each other. I don't really know what to say about it...but I guess it's all part of the growing process. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a blubbering mess or anything. I'm not even sad...just a little weirded out for a moment. I've never been under these circumstances before...so I'm just feeling it out.
Sometimes I wish that there were no awkward moments in life... but I guess the joke is on me. It's only awkward for me...but that's the way life goes. There are 4 levels...
1. Comfort Zone
2. Stretch
3. Risk
4. Dead Zone???
I was in my comfort zone for a long time. Then calling him and talking to him would be the first step into phase 2. It was a "stretch" for me to talk to him...now the farther I get into it, I hang out with him. Now I'm in phase 3: taking a risk. Beyond that one would be unsure and even scared of what may happen to them. In other words, "if it doesn't go the way I want...I'm just gonna 'die'" (hence the dead zone).
I'm not really sure how I feel right now...but all I know is that I need a little more time to fix myself and really see who's still out there for a guy like me.
Honest to God, I'm still grateful that he's still around. I'll admit, that it's weird to only look and know that you can't touch. That should change with time. Everything does.
A part of me is still looking back...wondering what would have been. But, most of me is walking and slowly rising my eyes towards a new goal. I can't really say what I expect from this new year... I already said that I got a VERY rude awakening school-wise.
I've decided. My resolution is to get real. Better myself and seize my goals. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to assert myself and love myself more. After all, how can anyone love me if I cannot even respect myself. I want to be the certifiable geek in my classes. I want to be the best boyfriend to a loving boy...Not to say that a new one will necessarily be better than him. He'll always have that place in my heart...and for that I thank him endlessly.
Change starts from the inside...and then it becomes evident on the outside....
So let's work on a better me...a better everything.
Sometimes I wish that there were no awkward moments in life... but I guess the joke is on me. It's only awkward for me...but that's the way life goes. There are 4 levels...
1. Comfort Zone
2. Stretch
3. Risk
4. Dead Zone???
I was in my comfort zone for a long time. Then calling him and talking to him would be the first step into phase 2. It was a "stretch" for me to talk to him...now the farther I get into it, I hang out with him. Now I'm in phase 3: taking a risk. Beyond that one would be unsure and even scared of what may happen to them. In other words, "if it doesn't go the way I want...I'm just gonna 'die'" (hence the dead zone).
I'm not really sure how I feel right now...but all I know is that I need a little more time to fix myself and really see who's still out there for a guy like me.
Honest to God, I'm still grateful that he's still around. I'll admit, that it's weird to only look and know that you can't touch. That should change with time. Everything does.
A part of me is still looking back...wondering what would have been. But, most of me is walking and slowly rising my eyes towards a new goal. I can't really say what I expect from this new year... I already said that I got a VERY rude awakening school-wise.
I've decided. My resolution is to get real. Better myself and seize my goals. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to assert myself and love myself more. After all, how can anyone love me if I cannot even respect myself. I want to be the certifiable geek in my classes. I want to be the best boyfriend to a loving boy...Not to say that a new one will necessarily be better than him. He'll always have that place in my heart...and for that I thank him endlessly.
Change starts from the inside...and then it becomes evident on the outside....
So let's work on a better me...a better everything.
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