Fantastic Four

At one point in my life, I thought I had a set group of downe friends. Unfortunately, not all of us were able to see eye to eye and there were some obvious conflicts within the group. Fortunately, I was able to keep one of them and really call them a friend.

Since then, I longed to be in a group that was more coherent. I see that Arnell has that. I see how he happy he is to have his group: Emmett, Nate and Geof. Sometimes, I'd feel like I'm on the sidelines watching him interact with them. I know I'm a part of the group, but only to a point. I'll never be part of that top four. It's not that they leave me out, but I can only be "in" with the group so much.

Those guys really make me feel welcomed. It's nice to be part of an adult group of gay men who appreciate ADULT things without really letting go of the immaturity factor. Even though the group may be amended once in awhile, it's nice to know that I'm considered family.

I've had gay friends who were my age, but I learned that age isn't always an indicator of maturity and wisdom. However, "the fellas" (as my boyfriend lovingly refers them as) make me feel like I have good friends on the downe side of my life. As stupid as we can be, I can't think of any other group that I can really be a part of. They've accepted me as Mark, not as RnL's boyfriend...but as an individual who is a part of a family that's constantly growing and thriving together.

It was fun to venture to Vegas together, and now we're going to Time Square. I know that this group will always be a part of me.

Thanks to you beb, you put me in a place I've always wanted to be. A downe family...

TOKOBOTS!

I got a new game for my PSP. YAY!

I haven't purchased a video game for myself in a really long time. I'm awesome.

Premium Pass to Disneylandsapointment

A friend told me that she'd be pissed off if she didn't get anything from her husband for her birthday. That happened to me twice and I still wasn't really phased by it; until tonight that is...

Mad? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not too pleased right now.

I was supposed to get a Premuim Pass to Disneyland for my birthday back in September, but I never got it. Actually, I ended up buying a Deluxe Pass for myself instead. He was supposed to have it upgraded ASAP, but a best friend got expensive gifts for HIS birthday instead. It left me wondering why I don't get things like that from him. I wasn't about to say anything, after all, it's his best friend.

Two birthdays and one Christmas later, I finally received a beautiful gift. I really appreciate it, I really do. My friend asked if I had received my pass upgrade yet. I said no and she asked me why I didn't say anything. "MARK! That was supposed to be your birthday gift and you STILL didn't get it?!"

I don't know. I'm not one to think that I deserve nice expensive things. I'll admit, I do expect it from the ones who love me the most, but I'm sorta used to not getting them. I guess in my head, it's better to work hard and get them for myself instead. After all, that's how I got my Annual Pass right?

Tonight, was my only full day off before he left for the bay. I was so excited to go to Disneyland and CA Adventure with him and Lisa. I should have known better than to put my hopes up. I had a feeling that today was going to be a blockout date.

How am I supposed to feel? I mean I felt like he worried more about his best friend's birthday than mine. I understand that it's his best friend, but I felt pretty small when he was telling me what he got him for his birthday; impulsively might I add. I thought it was going to be upgraded when he starts working again. He's been working for HOW long now? It's selfish of me to dwell on it, but come on. TWO birthdays in a row?

Finally, the fact that I have a limited pass blew up in his face. So now, I'm dressed up with no where to go and he's off to the happiest fucking place on earth. I have $20 in my pocket and no where to spend it.

All he could say was "Sorry. I should have gotten the upgrade instead of the necklace. If I was rich, I would get you that pass." Shouldn't I have received both from you? You promised me a pass, but I got the Deluxe one myself. I didn't ask you to be rich. I couldn't ask you why I didn't get my pass to begin with...

Fuck it. I'm going to change and go to sleep or something. This is stupid.

I hope you had fun. I didn't...

...or at least learned something. I sure did.

Do I really have the right to ask you for something like this? Do I have the right to be upset about it? Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm so fucking passive. ugh.

But really, have I failed to get you something for you? I don't know. It feels really selfish to get all upset about something like this. But, how would you feel if I just didn't get you anything for your 25th Birthday; if I didn't fly up there and STILL get you something? How would you feel if I didn't bother getting you anything at all? I mean even if I couldn't afford it, I'd get it as soon as I got the chance to..but then again, that's just me.

I know I sound really selfish right now, but I'm kinda hurt.

Thanks beb. The "snow" was really nice. =)

I've never been to Disneyland during the Christmas season. Yeah, it's official. My Christmas spirit has been rekindled.

Too bad we didn't get to eat in the park. ha. HOB was still cool with the great company we were in.

Thanks again.

For I Have Sinned

Last night, I hesitantly stepped into a confessional.

Obviously, I'm not going to discuss what I talked about with the priest, but I will however, tell you what I got out of it.

I learned that forgiveness is not in one's feelings, but in the will to do so. I think that I need to let go of things that have been weighing me down. I need to let go of grudges and just forgive others and be forgiven. It's better for me to deal with my life rather than completely dismiss the issues. There are things that make no difference to me. However, I should validate myself by validating others. I need to be less selfish and pray for fortitude to right my wrongs; no matter how small or big.

I also realized that there are things bigger than I am. I need to wake up and be responsible for myself and for those who depend on me. I am a role model to so many people, but I think I need to set an example for myself. I need to set bigger goals.

I need to respect myself, my family, my friends, and those who don't respect me. I realized that I matter to people. Why else would some be irked by my actions (or even lack of actions)? I also cannot expect others to receive me the way I want them to. I'm selfish and I have to be more aware of others.

My advice to to you: Examine yourself. Assess your life.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm happy that I've been pointed in the right direction.

Calm Waters, Mark... calm waters.

When someone pushes others away, they'd eventually run out of people to push. It saddens me that some people choose not to give others a chance to connect. I'm not the most confident guy in the world, but when others sell themselves short, I feel really bad. I try to look for the best in people. I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

I always thought that based on the first minute you talk to someone, you can already figure out the chemistry you'd have with this person...assuming they're being honest to begin with. Hey, I'm a nice guy if you really get to know who I am.

Did I just lose a chance to make a friend?

Merry Chrismahauna-wha?

For the first time in a long time I felt the Christmas cheer early. I also realized how fast it be can crushed. All of a sudden, I just lost the will to Christmas shop. In fact, I even returned a few things.

Thanks self, now you have more money to spend.

It's one of the biggest holidays for me, but apparently some people don't understand how I feel about it...but I shouldn't expect others to.

Great. It's gonna take a lot of red and green to bring my spirits back up.

If I Ain't Got Him

After an interesting shift, the hubs came by to shop with me after I clocked out. Just spending time with him really made me feel a lot better. On the way home, he called me and told me to turn to a certain radio station and listen. The song just made me smile.

Yeah, it's always the little things that count the most. There isn't any other man out there who could ever man up the way he does.

Some people want it all.

I have it.

Wishful Thinking

I'm totally feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure why it's different this year, since it usually takes me a while to warm up to the whole Christmas dealie. Below is a list what I could use. My friends aren't totally sure what to get me. I'm a hard one to shop for. I tend to be a little on the pricey side...haha. If you know me and know what I'd like then don't read any further. If you need an idea, then I guess you can read on. ha. This is totally going to me amended from time to time so make sure you check.

Crap you should know:
Pants: 32 x 29 or 30
Shirts: XS or SM
Shoes: 9.5

Pricey Crap:
- T | X Palm Handheld
- T | X Keyboard
- A Premium Pass upgrade
- The Musical History of Disneyland
- Wacom Intuos Tablet (6 x 11 or 9 x 12)
- Video iPod (30 GB+)

Not as Pricey Crap:
- Black or Blue FCUK (block letter) Hoodie – Sz SM
- New Black Chucks Sz 9.5
- A new BI FOLD wallet
- Bluetooth dongle
- subscription to HOW & Communication Arts

Crap for my PSP:
- Virtua Tennis: World Tour for my PSP
- NBA Street Showdown for my PSP
- WSOP or WPT for my PSP
- A new 1 GB for my PSP

More crap for my PSP:
- The Incredibles UMD
- Kung Fu Hustle UMD
- American Pie Series UMD
- Chappelle show Season 1 vol. one UMD
- Family Guy Vol. 1 UMD
- Fanastic 4 UMD
- Fight Club UMD
- Guess Who UMD
- Mr. & Mrs. Smith UMD
- Music In High Places: India Arie Live in Brazil UMD
- The Nightmare Before Christmas UMD
- Office Space UMD
- Pirates of the Carribean UMD
- Rounders UMD
- Swingers UMD
- There’s Something About Mary UMD
- Toy Story UMD
- Viewtiful Joe UMD
- The Wedding Crashers UMD
- White Chicks UMD

Rent To Own Opinions

I have a big pet peeve that I don't tell people about. I absolutely hate it when someone ruins a book, play, movie...basically anything that has a plot. From the time my mom asked me if The Sixth Sense was the one where Bruce was a ghost to the time where a friend asked me if I saw Ziyi's "blindness" in The House of Flying Daggers coming...I just can't take other's talking about something that I wanted to experience for myself. Come on, I was pissed off when all these faggots from Downelink revealed the results of the first Project Runway.

This is how I feel about RENT right now. I'm torn whether I should see the movie or not. I'm most likely going to see the stageplay when I go to New York this spring. However...I have heard the soundtrack over and over again. Don't ask why. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy listening to it, but I don't want to piece the whole thing together.

Yeah, I don't like it when someone pokes me and tells me to pay attention or I'll miss something. I don't like it when someone says "I love this part...watch!" I can't say that I've never done that, but I guess I just realized how distracting that can really be.

I don't normally make a big deal about it, but I've been wanting to see RENT for the longest time. My jones got even worse in 1999 when my choir performed "Seasons of Love." I guess I just want to keep that mystery alive. I want to be in awe when I finally see it for the frist time. God forbid I have someone detract from my Broadway experience...like the time I saw the Lion King with Selley. ha. Inquiring little girls don't belong on Broadway unless I paid them to entertain me.

Maybe that's why I don't want to see the movie, but part of me wants to see it. Again, I've heard the music. Trust me, I've heard the original cast recording in its entireity at least 3 times. I should stop. Really...I should.

Honestly, I'm a little frustrated with the decision. I guess it kinda helps that my boyfriend already saw the movie without me. He also saw the play three times with the original cast. What's also getting to me is his comparison between the movie and the original cast and the original cast with the up and coming new cast that will be performing in New York. I bet it's different when you've seen this play evolve, but I don't want that magic taken away from me. I don't want to have a single biased thought in my head when I finally experience it for myself.

Come January, I will forbid myself to listen, read, or watch anything that has to do with RENT. I want to see it with a fresh eye. I want to form MY OWN OPINIONS. I want to see it and experience it, but it's weird knowing that I have the chance to see it live on stage.

Seeing RENT was a dream of mine for almost 7 years...it's just kind of dying and it's making me a little dissapointed about it.

Just when I thought my work wasn't going to cut it, I found out my professor (who isn't really fond of me to start with) posted my work.





Honestly, I'm still not sure how that happened, but that makes 2 magazine spreads that have been displayed.

In other news, I've just been so preoccupied by recent events. I'm still pretty melancholy about everything, but I'm just trying to get by. There are a few other things that I should take care of before my 8 week vacation starts.

This isn't the way I wanted to end 2005. It started off so well, but now there are facets of me that are falling apart. But in the end, I'm a stronger person. I want to make things right...FOR ME.

Thanks Nate. What you did today meant a lot to me. =)

It's official. Arnell and I started Christmas shopping, and we started with my mom. I hope she likes it.

That reminds me, I need to start my WISH LIST and I have to make my list and, this year, I'm really checking it twice...maybe even three times. ha.

In other news, we're waiting for the viewing and funeral arrangements. Yeah, I think I'm okay for now.

I Wish It Was Fiction

Two weeks ago, I was at work. I thought I saw him while I was on my 30 minute break. When I got home, I messaged him on MySpace and asked if it was him. It was. He said that he was looking for me but he didn't see me. I'm assuming he didn't ask for me. I called him a dumbass for not asking if I was there. He left me a comment on MySpace saying that I don't call him anymore...and I told him that he doesn't call either. But, we both agreed that we had to hang out soon. I wish I had just gone up to the guy who I thought was him. It's sad that I was the last comment on his profile before everything happened.

I was in Vegas when it all happened. I had no idea. It's weird that I was planning on calling him to hang out sometime that next week. No one saw it coming. No one expected it to happen to him.

I was in Laguna Beach when he moved on. I had no idea until I left the dinner party. I had no idea that my life was going to change. Esthela texted me with an urgent message. "Have you heard?" "Yeah." I responded. Arnell glanced and noticed my lifeless eyes glaring at him. "I got the message from someone but I had no idea that it was like that." Esthela hesitated, "He was declared braindead today. It's not looking good."

I stopped breathing. I stopped moving.

Arnell asked me what was wrong. "I didn't tell you, but Oscar is in the hospital and he's in a coma. Esthela just told me that he's been legally declared braindead."

That was the weirdest drive to my brother's house. I cried while Arnell held my hand tight. I couldn't tell my brother. I guess I was still in denial about it.

Today, I called the hospital for visiting hours. The receptionist had told me that he was no longer registered. I knew what that meant. I wish I had the chance to see him one last time.

He was 18 years old. In fact, he turned 18 just under 2 months ago. He was my friend from Pac Sun and we were the best team to work when it was the two of us. I wasn't close to any other of the guys at the store...just him. I remember our talks about everything. He was so open minded and opinionated. I remember our "throw downs" and our dance battles...and our impromptu Tagalog lessons.

I guess life isn't meant to be fair. Why didn't the idiot who rear ended him at 85 miles per hour at least get injured? He fled the scene and hasn't been found yet. No. I guess life isn't meant to be fair at all.

It was his time to go. It was his turn to complete his cycle. None of us wanted him to go. He didn't deserve to die this way. No one does.

Oscar Torres
October 4, 1987 - November 24, 2005


A beloved son, brother, friend, and companion...

Thank you for everything. I love you. I'll never forget you.

Rest in peace.

--------------------

I learned that friendships, both broken and strong are important. My experiences with others only mold who I am. I cannot deny the mistakes I have made nor should I glamourize the triumphs I have achieved. I am who I am. One person always makes a difference. Oscar was proof of that.

I am motivated to repair the ties I had cut and strengthen those who are already close to me. I learned that real friends do not come and go. They were always there to begin with. I lost a friend and I lost the opportunity to be a better friend. In a way I feel like I took him for granted.

Life really is an interesting concept. We live for nothing else but to die. We live for OURSELVES and no one else. Life is what we make of it...

... and life is what we take from it.

Thanks Be To Gay

It's nice to have a close circle of downe friends who are around my age. Last night we were all together to have a nice dinner together. I'm grateful to have friends like these guys here. I truly feel like family.





I can't wait until Christmas.

Things are really different here in Nevada. Arnell parked the 4Runner in front of our friend's house which would also happen to be in front of the neighbor's door. It's a long enough for two cars. So while he was in the shower, some random fat old white guy rings the doorbell numerous times. My friends were asleep. So I answered the door and one of the kids followed me. "Excuse me, is your mom or dad home? I need you to move this truck. I'd like to park in front of my own house please." I thought to myself, "Your ass is lucky there are kids here and I'm a guest. Otherwise I would have punked your ass over something stupid like that." I rolled my eyes and got the keys to move the car.

It's been over 15 minutes and they guy didn't move his car. He didn't even say thank you when I walked passed him.

What the fuck is wrong with these old ass retarded retired white guys? If he did that in LA he would have been cussed at...at the least. He couldnt walk an extra 5 feet to get to his door.

FUCKING RETARD. ugh.

What's the Sitch?

Kickin' It With Kim Marathon: 5 hours of Kim Possible...BOOYAH!

Today is officially the perfect day to clean.

Yeah, I'm a closeted KP fan.

Jet Setting Practice

Ho - ly CRAP.

I just realized that I'm going to New York for spring break.

I also just realized we're going to see this too.

More details to come.

I CAN'T WAIT. Oh, I'm leaving for Vegas this weekend too. Booyah!

Freedumb of Speech

A student blantantly disrespected a friend of mine today. It's one thing to say something to be humorous, but it's not acceptable to offend and disrespect someone. I brought it up at the meeting and one of my own leaders tried to defend his actions. He said, "What ever happened to freedom of speech? He's just a kid, what do you expect from him?" I turned and said, "First of all, the freedom of speech doesn't give you the right to impede someone else's rights. Secondly, the fact that he's younger doesn't excuse his actions. He's 16 years old. He's old enough to KNOW what's right and wrong."

"Don't get me started on rights..." He said.

"Don't talk to me about rights. I'm not allowed to get married." There was an awkward silence and that was the end of that.

I was pretty ticked to hear that from one of my own leaders. I know I shouldn't have gone and played the personal card, but I was making a point. That's freedom of speech...I didn't disrespect my team member. I expressed my feelings without trying to disrespect others.

I'm underwhelmed by my leadership team. I feel like they've lost their fervor. I have groups without leaders. I have leaders who just don't seem like they're interested in their responsibilities. Even some of the students have expressed their concerns about the decline of morale.

Sometimes, I'm not sure about what to do to keep myself motivated. There are times where I just want to sleep for hours on end and not have to deal with anyone or anything. Obviously, that's not the way to go.

I guess I'll take the high road.

The weekend is within arm's reach. Vegas...I can already smell it.

Okay, so no one wanted to comment so I could link them. Great. Why do I have comments again?

I was reading your blog again and I realized something. I realized that it's been almost 10 years since we met the first time. No. I lied. I realized it at Denny's when she and I randomly ran out of the house.

Anyway, she was with me since I started writing in this thing about 5 years ago. I've gone from blogspot, to an actual domain, back to blogspot...and she's still being written about. Our issues back then were so different. We've matured in so many ways, but we also stayed immature in the good ways too. I remembered how we'd talk for hours on the phone and how we'd page each other...That's right. I'm talking about a pager.

Friends don't come and go; real friends stay. I suppose I really need to fix some broken ties. I'll admit, there are a few people that I want to reconnect with. Fault doesn't matter to me anymore...but I guess once my life slows down, I'll make more of an effort.

There's a particular friend that I know I should try harder. I've been working on so much and fixing myself trying to obtain my spirituality again. Yeah, I'm scared to initiate things, but if I cared enough about this person, I really owe it to him/her to make things right, but it's a two way street...

Human nature doesn't really seem natural at all, does it? In any case, I need to be a human DOING rather than a human BEING.

I think I need a haircut. yikes.

There are quite a few people who I need to link. You guys know who you are. Leave a comment and I'll be sure to add it on my list.

The weekend is coming up. Yikes...and not a single plan was made. Great. I think I'm headed for homework land.

Hmmm...

I should look more into this.

Oh...just in case you crave a McFlurry this weekend:

TEXT THE WORD MCFLURRY TO 73260 AND REPLY "YES" TO THE NEXT MESSAGE.

Try me bitches. It's good until the 14th.

I noticed that I have friends who come from all walks of life. Each one offers a different point of view and opinion. Today, there were 3 different sides of me that I got to get in tuned with.

The first was my lovely gay side. I got to see two great friends whom I haven't seen in for a while. Mark (cow) and maw maw John came by after their visit to Pasadena. I was glad to catch the voicemail before it was too late. I miss those guys. I'm so happy that we're all still close.

The second side overlapped. My bestest friend in the world, Aileen, IMed me wondering if I was available. I was glad that we were able to hook up today. We've known each other since that fated morning during my freshman year when we made fun of a mutual friend at the time. I still remember how outspoken he was yet he couldn't speak in front of a classroom. ha. Fortunately, high school was good for something...making a best friend.

So John, Mark, RnL, Aiyah, my sister, and I went out and spent a couple hours just hanging out. It was nice to hang out with those guys OUTSIDE of the club scene.

After the Gal, we went back since the boys had to get home. The rest of us went out to Ruen Pair to have some eats. This is where the third side comes out. Jay-R that motherfucker was having some eats too. We decided to share a table and we all shared great conversations over some Thai. Jay-R is a friend of mine that I met at one of my myriad of church duties. We became friends since we would work with each other a lot.

My friends are awesome. I have many facets to me and there are different people who fit me in different ways. It was nice to see all of them interact together.

I'm weird. I know...but at least I have some good friends from all of it....

Fifteen months ago, I met someone who started to love me without fail. Beb, I love you with all my heart. I'm glad we managed to get through these rough times together.

Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most

And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me

Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

Running, running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get seperated

The future...

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get seperated

Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get seperated...

The changes that you've made changed me into a better person. You make me happy. You make me whole. You remind me that I'm more than I really am. I appreciate everything you have done for me...even when I didn't deserve it.

So many people noticed that I've so been much happier nowadays. I think it's because I fell in love all over again.

This rain isn't putting me in the best of moods.

Anyway, I managed to get a new layout up. This is what happens when you get bored and you feel compelled for some change. Web isn't my strongest creative medium, but I wanted something different. Should I even keep the comments? Does anyone even read this shit?

meh...

In any case, I'm going to Disneyland with Esthela tomorrow before work. haha. Wheee!

Now that I have this blog fixed. I think there's something else that needs my attention...when the time is right I suppose.

I guess it's just one of those days...

After Arnell left for work I decided to take a quick shower and head for school. I would have been on time if I remembered where my keys were. I looked high and low. I went through all of the pants that was in the laundry. I went through all of my bags. I checked the rest of the house and I eventually gave up.

I tried to backtrack my actions. I had remembered that the last place I went to was Costco with Arnell. I wasn't sure if I had the keys then. I just checked my phone and I got a text from Arnell. He said that the keys were with him. I actually put my keys in his glove compartment and totally forgot about it.

I'm home. I was just so steamed that I stayed home. I have work later and so he's going to drop my keys off when he gets home from work. I'm gonna have to use the spare key. My dad's not going to like it one bit.

I am NOT in a good mood.

Michael Copon is so cute. He just finished singing "American Woman" and popped open his shirt. *sigh*

haha. I'm going to vote for him on "But Can They Sing?"

Hotness...

Happy 14th Birthday sister of mine...

I know I torture you, but all loving brothers do! haha.

I love you. I really do.

I'll write more later. Time to food at Cheesecake Factory!

(My sleeping pattern is NOT working out for me!)

I'm about to type up a lot of shit that I don't want to put up. I guess I need an outlet for myself and I'm about to put myself out on a limb. I think I'm going to shock some...while offending others.

There are some people that I'd really like to remain friends with. There are others where I'm glad that I have cut them out of my life.

Being a friend and having a friend are two completely different ideas. Being a friend means that one would have to work to keep a connection alive. There is a certain line that cannot be crossed under certain circumstances. Having a friend can mean that you consider someone a friend, YET can only be at the lowest extent of the word. I have friends who don't call me. I have friends who forget that I'm alive. Granted that I don't always take the time to contact them...it's a two way street.

I have a friend whom I miss, yet want to keep a certain distance from right now. Lines were crossed. Feelings were hurt. I hate the fact that the line between friendship and "more than friendship" was totally blurred. Naturally I'm also at fault. Some might have called it cheating. I was totally confused; contradiction after contradiction... Yeah, I liked the attention...but in the end, I felt a little burned. Either way, I hurt a lot of people, but I set myself up for a whole world of hurt and denial.

I put so much at stake for something that would most likely never happen. Being in the middle isn't a new thing for me, but I hate being there. This time, the mistake was all me. I'm the one who made a certain choice. I'm the one who chose to act irrationally and was in denial about it.

A friend told me that I needed someone to tell me what I didn't want to hear. He told me that if I were to fight with myself, I'll always win. I didn't have an outside perspective to allow me to weigh out my options.

I have friends who can get whatever they want...when they want it. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. If I want something, I work hard...and a lot of the time, I end up not getting it. At one point someone else wanted me, lead me somewhere, had me, and tossed me aside. That's how I feel. I feel like I got burned by the fire I chose to play with. I was told over and over again NOT to play with fire...yet I was still willing to risk my well-being.

I'm at a crossroads. I want to talk with this friend, but I'm not sure how to do it. We left so many things unsaid. A part of me wants to work things out...and another part of me isn't sure if it'll be okay. I'm really sensitive to certain things right now. I have a mindset that I've developed.

I've grown out of a phase. Now, that I'm standing up...I want peace of mind. I want my ties with people to remain. Most of all, I want my happiness. After all is said and done, it would be unfair for me to cut someone out of my life if they were willing to be friends...

People are entitled to make mistakes. People have the choice to forgive and be forgiven. There is no right or wrong. There are only actions and results of actions. Life is how we interpret it.

I know that it's going to take a lot of time before normalcy happens. I know that I fucked things up...but I'm ready to man up to everything.

Balance.

I think that was the word I was trying to look for...

So we had our semi comp crit for the shoe catalog today. We're at the halfway point with the project. Unfortunately, I was one of the last ones that he looked at..so I was just dying. I was so nervous after he would bitch about everyone else's work. Mind you, there were some REALLY good pieces and that just added to my intimidation.

I didn't have much time to change direction, but I had to. He hated the sophisticated look, EVEN THOUGH HE'S THE ONE WHO LIKED THAT IDEA WHEN I TURNED IN MY SKETCHES. blah. Anyway, I was inspired by Urban Outfitters - circa 1997. I'm not gonna post the project yet, but I'm happy with it. The prof said that the idea was working really well and he only had a few minor adjustments with text and certain logo placements.

I thought that I was gonna get it. haha...but I guess it turned out okay. =)

______________________

I also learned another thing last night upon talking to the hubby. Well, I didn't learn it, I suppose I just confirmed what I always knew.

That's a whole other blog. Let's not kill the mood. Mark is happy with Publication Design class. We need to keep it that way. ha.

I know I keep posting...haha.

SOMEONE BUY ME THIS!

Okay. That's it. Goodnight.

you know who you are...
_________________________________________
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure... Measure A Year?
In Daylights?
In Sunsets?
In Midnights?
In Cups Of Coffee?
In Inches?
In Miles?
In Laughter?
In Strife?

In, Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life?

How About Love?
_________________________________________

it's been over a year...each minute is every lesson learned. ups and downs, we've had them all...and then some.

today, i realized that sometimes i'm not the best person to spend your time with...but you do it anyway.

I've always found that 15 is a lucky number for me... and in 9 days we'll hit that number.

On November 10th, i will spend my 657000th minute with you...

I just signed my face back onto downelink.

gah.

The first thing he said when he got home was, "I love you."

At that moment, I realized that my weird day at work didn't matter anymore.

This past week was a trying one...but when he looked at me with his tired eyes and reminded me that he loved me, the world was starting to make sense again.

I love the "Best Week Ever" on VH1.

Yeah, I think everything's gonna be okay. I got to fix a few things. I'm a moron, but I guess I gotta learn sometime.

RnL, I love you. I'm sorry.

DAMONE - "Up To You"

You are who's inside of my heart,
Made don't want to be apart.
I would cry to see you go woah-woh,
Cuz you are who's inside my heart.

I can be the one who goes,
I am strong in this you know woah-woh
I don't wanna be alone,
You are who's inside my heart.

So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
If you care about me cuz I know I care for you,
And I want you there, I'll leave it up to you.

Here inside it's hard to see who holds,
See if I am what you want.
I'll be here with sticks and stuff,
I'll be here to let you know.

So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
If you care about me cuz I know I care for you,
And I want you there, I'll leave it up to you.

So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
If you care about me cuz I know I care for you,
And I want you there, I'll leave it up to you.

----------------------

I got what was coming to me. I'm fearing the worst...I deserve the worst. I can't look at anyone in the face. The silence is killing me. A piece of me is missing. I'm the one who lost it and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. As the saying goes, "you never know what you have until you lose it."

I smile as if everything's okay, fooling the world around me. You don't know the void I've created inside. I've crawled in and I don't want to see the world. I'm hoping that I'd selfishly die in my own enclosed space.

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Holy shit...I must be REALLY fucking weak. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with how my pathetic life panned out. I'm angry about how stupid I am.

Tomorrow will be coming. Shit, another day of living. What's the point? I don't know anymore. I don't want to wake up unless its from this nightmare.

Am I okay?

No.

But I will be...I hope.

I am the worst __________ in the world.

a) friend
b) boyfriend
c) role model
d) person
e) all of the above

I realized that I'm really stupid when it comes to a lot of things. I know now that I cannot be someone who can be trusted with another life. I know that life is what I make of it and I fucked it up again.

I'm in a corner I put myself in.

This cough is like how I am right now; irritating, purposeless, and painful...a noise no one wants to hear.

No one talk to me. I'll hurt you. I swear I will. I've become an expert at it.

I hope I die today. It would probably be my own fault.

Love isn't an emotion. They can change and die out.

Love is constant work and sacrifice. It's about patience and acceptance. People love wholeheartedly only when they realize that it's not just about an emotion inside. Love has to be nurtured through mistakes and perserverance.

I learned today that love can be overly glamourized. Sometimes people do not realize what they have until it's gone. They don't realize that it takes work and it's okay to stay together...even through the hard times. It's okay to have a difference of opinion once in a while. I realize that balance is needed when it comes to love. No one has authority over another. Both have complete control of the relationship.

I don't know what it was about the homily tonight. It was about how love isn't what we think it is. It was about how one must really consider another's heart when it comes to love. It's not about a feeling. It's so much more than that. Love is a simple and complex notion. Each facet is just as important as the last.

Yeah, I miss him. I really do. I took in the words spoken today. Love. It's strange that it can strengthen the likes of anyone yet it's so fragile.

Think about love a little bit.

Think about who tells you that they love you. Do you really love them for everything they are and everything that they're not? I don't just throw out that phrase. If I tell you that I do...then I do.

I love you.

There are some purses that you'll always like.
Then there are some really nice purses that you want every one to see and be seen with.
There are some purses that you still really like but don't really want to be seen with.

- L.C. (Laguna Beach)

I sorta feel like the 3rd one. There are some people I feel like placed me aside for a while. I'm not really liking it. I'm not really feeling like a friend.

My boyfriend is leaving for the bay area again. I'm not really liking that either. I finally have a whole weekend off and I can't do a damned thing.

I'm feeling kinda sad now. Argh.

Someone fucking shoot me already.

This cough is driving me up the wall. I can't sleep because of it. For some reason, it acts up the most when I'm lying down trying to sleep. It's 4 am now and I've been trying to sleep for a few hours. When I finally fall asleep, I'm gently awaken by a hacking cough that DOES NOT STOP. IT SUCKS.

Oh, I almost cracked my head open too.

Awesome.

AT THE BRINK

It's funny how most of the time I think that my work is mediocre at best. I got my movie poster back today and I was told that I am at the brink of outstanding and that I do amazing work.

I.

was.

STUNNED.

No really, I was. I mean, I didn't think that I was THAT good. I didn't expect my work to be received so well. No. I'm not bragging. I'm probably just as astounded as you (the reader) are. ha.

Well here see for yourself...

This was the first and MAIN design.


This was the second design. This one was optional


He liked both designs and graded the project as an A. Unfortunately, I was a little lazy about it and got graded down for the overall grade but whatever...the final was an A and he suggested that I just work on the process a little more so the over all grade wouldn't be affected.

I guess I really should pursue this...hmmmm. It's nice to know that my work is actually noteworthy. ha.

I called my creditors and I increased my payments.

As of 2006, I'm DEBT FREE.

BOOYAH!

I've finally caught up with my life and I'm happy.

I've had many issues to deal with these past 4 weeks but I'm happy that I got through it...well...most of it.

Sometimes I wish I could just make it all go away. Yeah. I'm stupid...but at least I'm happy.

Finally...

So what did I learn?

I have some friends who don't believe in God. That's fine with me, you know? I shouldn't be one who force feeds religion to other people. I'm certainly not one to compromise someone else's belief system either. I respect the fact that I have friends who don't believe in the same ideas that I do.

So what? What's so significant about that?

I learned that some people do not possess the ability to believe in a higher power. Just like some people do not have the ability to have neat handwriting. It's not that they refuse to believe. It's just another facet of human nature. I learned that some people can want to believe and understand, but some just do not have it inside to do so.

Just because one does not believe in God (or any other higher being for that matter), does not automatically make them a bad person. A lot of people don't seem to understand that. I'm really trying harder to understand it myself. People are people. That's just a reality that we all have to deal with everyday. There are people who believe in a higher being and commit crimes...so really...what difference does it make to some people?

Obviously, having faith may be the only thing that keep people going. Some don't depend on it. Some do.

RESPECT: Life is too short not to respect the people in your life. It's not worth pointing fingers or placing blame. It hurts me that I'm in the middle of two parties. Yeah, I have to compose myself a certain way, but I guess I should be used to it...It's beyond my control and it's something that I just have to deal with.

Love me. Hate me. Whatever...

Just look at me as a person. That's it. That's all I am. Fuck my beliefs...they're NOT YOURS.

I learned something today. I oughta share it with you.

I went to Disneyland by myself the other night. I didn't want to be around people I knew. I just wanted to spend time alone and just no worry about having to deal with people at all. I managed to catch the Believe fireworks show. I asked a family if I could stand with them to watch the show. I told them that it was just me and I just wanted to watch the show. They looked like that they felt sorry for me and let me watch with them.

It was nice to hear kids gasp in awe and parents point out things for their kids. I smiled when the kids got excited and the music always sways me.

Unfortunately, I went during the gay weekend. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the gay weekend. There were just these 2 bitter old queens who thought that they were so above imaginations.

"That show was so marginal. Did you see the shapes they were TRYING to make? Hearts... Squares? Dissapointment."

I wanted to kick the shit out of those two. Then again, I guess I'd be bitter too if I were ugly and old. It'd be hard to reminice if you're just full of negativity. They had no imagination. Ugh. stupid bitter old fags...they pissed me off.

Anyway, I'm just dreading another week of school and work. I don't want to do either but we both know that I gotta get my shit done. blah...

There are some people you come across and you know that they're going to change your life. There are some who need you and there are those whom you need. Human relationships aren't always really easy to decipher. All of them are pretty much dysfuntional yet each one balances and works.

Reality and life is all a bunch of give and take. Ten percent of life happens to you. The other ninety percent is how you react to it.

Sometimes we misinterpret our roles in other people's lives. Sometimes we're confused as to what our own role is. Sometimes there's a part of you that you can't really talk about because you're not entirely sure of what it is...

People are people. You can't change that. You can't deny who you are nor can you compromise the character of another person.

Life sucks sometimes, sure. Just remember that you're in control of what you want...well...for the most part.

I'm feeling a little out of place and a little bit inadequate. Don't ask why. I'm not really sure myself.

I guess I'm in that state where I'm just kinda thinking too much...or possibly not enough. Suddenly, a weird feeling took over; where taking a deep breath doesn't alleviate that uneasiness in your chest.

A thousand thoughts a second...

I can't say that I'm happy. I can't say that I'm sad either. Maybe just a little confused...maybe even a little removed from reality.

I'm feeling kinda stupid.

I'm less than perfect...not good enough.

I'm really glad to be up in the bay with my cousins. It's always nice to hang out with them and just laugh whether we're sober or intoxicated.

Damn...Kuya Chris is getting MARRIED! =)

Pictures will be coming...maybe.

I.

told.

YOU.

so.

I think I made my point clear. ha.

Marking Back Sunday

I forgot how much I loved being in choir. It's been a while since I went to mass. I realized how important it is for me personally to be part of something like that. I was welcomed back and I felt empowered to change myself. I guess you can blame Raise Your Voice for sparking my interest in singing again. I can't remember the last time I sang my heart out. It was always so easy in high school since I was in Concert Choir...but where can I outlet my talents now? I gotta sing once a week now. I also want to perform for the SD Xmas Concert this year. I've been performing there since I was 13 and I'm not about to stop now.

Now that I think about it, since I took the initiative to regain my strength in my faith, I feel empowered to get everything else back on track. I need to follow up with school, bone up on Confirmation, and cut some hours from work. Shit, I also gotta get back on my workout regimen. People have been noticing...so I guess there's some sort of progress. =)

I was told that I'm doing a lot; a lot for other people and that I should also take my own advice. I need time to myself. I need time to remember what it's like to be me.

Tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want to be reassured that I can do it.

My faith in God and in myself is getting just a little better.

I'm feelin' fine.

greatest. birthday.

EVER.

thanks to EVERYONE involved. I'm just a little drained so I don't really want to get into the whole thing. haha.

I'm (still) LEGAL!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! LOVE ME! YAY!

Faux Model

I really love what I do. But the question is, "Am I GOOD at what 'I do?'"

Let's face it, I'm not perfect. Right now, I feel really far from perfection. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at work. I mean, I don't really know if I'm doing a bad job either. It's just that I feel like I keep getting caught doing something wrong, even if it wasn't my fault. I guess once you're in charge, everything can be your fault. My managers kinda gave me a pep talk that went wrong. Instead of feeling empowered, I was pretty embarassed. I felt pretty discouraged since no one is really reassuring me that I'm doing a good job.

I can already feel school slipping away from me and we just ended the second week. I realized how hard it is to juggle a new thing. I can't afford to mess up this semester. I need to be motivated and encouraged.

Don't get me started with Confirmation. No one has said anything, but I know I'm definately slipping up. I can't quit work for it. I can't compromise school for it either. I don't know what to think. It's really embarassing to feel like one of the worst examples on the team. I've been there for so long and for some reason I feel out of the loop. I feel like I'm not really part of the team right now. I guess it's because of the Germany trip I missed. I was stressing out over tonight because I wasn't there on time. I mean, my team has never said anything to me, but I'm sure they think I'm losing my edge.

I don't get it. I feel like I'm not good at what I do anymore. I feel like a failure already. I feel like I'm not making a difference. I feel like that I'm gonna slip so far that I'm going to lose control of everything.

I feel like such a bad example, a bad leader and a bad student. I thought I was a role model. If I'm supposed to be one...I better get my shit straight.

Am I good enough? I'm really not sure right now. I'm not feeling too good about myself right now.

The scariest thing happened to me the other day.

I dislocated my shoulder again and no one was home. I tried to pull it back into it's socket but there wasn't a good position for me to pull it. I remembered that there were two different ways to get it back in position. One was to grab my wrist and use my knee to pop it back in. Another way is to extend my arm until it slips back into place.

As I reached for my phone to call Arnell, it popped back into place. I know it sounds gross, but it was really scary!

GAH! The shoes I ordered aren't coming anymore. The order got cancelled since they freaking ran out of the shoe I wanted.

*Shakes fist at urbanoutfitters.com*

So I've decided what I really wanted for my birthday. There are only 2 people that can do it for me.

I wish the two of them would just start talking to each other again. I hate having to be stuck in the middle. I don't even know why you guys are fighting anyway. It sucks that I want both of you there for my birthday but it seems that's not going to happen. I'm really annoyed about having to hear both sides dismiss each other like that friendship meant nothing.

Swallow your pride. There's a friendship that you're throwing away...and for what? Only you know.

Stop getting upset with the whole situation. I hate having to hear the worst from both of you. You're just going to let it die out?

It hurts me that you guys are so indifferent towards each other and you guys have been friends so much longer than I've known the two of you combined. IT'S NOT FAIR. I hope you guys start fixing all this. It's my party and I can cry if I want to...but I really don't want to cry.

UGH. If you solve this for my birthday, it'll be a great one for me. THANKS.

(not that i wouldn't appreciate the other things being done...but really...this would make everyone else's plans so much better.)

Grinding at the Mills

So I went shopping for myself today at Ontario Mills with the parentals. Okay, I know I was supposed to save up, but you know what? It's gonna be my birthday and I finally have an income. I figured that I should enjoy (some of) it first. I'll be paying off my debt too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not TOTALLY irresponsible. ha.

For what it's worth, I saved about $120 and paid 61% of the actual total.

I gotta look good for my birthday...well at least for the first 4 days. haha.

Premium Price Hike...

NO!!!

All of the passes went up another $20 BUCKS.

Boo. I should have just gotten a deluxe when I had the chance.

It's weird having all this free time to myself. I guess I have to admit that despite the bouts of loneliness, it's kind of nice to be by myself. I chose not to call people and just go out on my own rather than have people go with me.

I ended up getting myself something so I can sport new duds on my birthday. I got a new shirt and a decent pair of shoes. Now, all I need is an overpriced pair of jeans and I'm good to go. LOL. Not that I'd pay the riduculously high price...you know what I mean. ha.

I think I'm going to go birthday present shopping and then write some literature for my dad's website. Later, I should run another 2 miles or so. I'm actually getting used to this whole idea of exercising. haha. To top off my day, I'll clean tonight. I still have to pay for online traffic school.

I have work from 3 to 10 tomorrow. I guess it's best that I keep busy. I'm starting to feel lonely again. =(

I love you.
I miss you.
Hope you're having a good time.
Come home safely.

Everyone and their doggies are out doing things this weekend. I'm off Saturday and SUNDAY blargh! I guess I'll use this time to get some stuff done.

v2o retro
feeling: nonchalant yet content

Need a break from cleaning. It's seemingly endless...but there's a little progress.

I got a call from my boss lady telling me that head offices messed up the store's wage increases. It turns out I'm not the only one who was caught up in someone's mistake. I was told that I'm going to get retroed another fatty check ASAP. Head of Marketing (who knows me personally) said that she's going to raise some hell since we didn't get our deserved wages on time.

My bro wants me to go to v2o tonight. It's really not my thing, but I guess I should go and build a good report with my brother's friends and my straight friends. They always wonder why I don't attend their shindigs.

I think I should start thinking of some titles for my posts. It'd be good practice for my GD2 class since it's focusing on advertising. I need to keep my cleaver blade sharp you know?

Beb, I love you. I'm sorry you're so upset. I'll help you budget for your goals. =)

Petterz, enjoy the concert. You deserve a great night out.


I'm in a good mood...I'm getting another check! wheeeee!

ARGH! I'm never gonna get my premium pass. I wanted to get it before my birthday but fucking work is still paying me with a sales associate's wage. I feel like a glorified associate. I'm management dammit! Why the fuck didn't my paperwork go through yet?! I was supposed to make a credit card payment with that paycheck and get something for Si for his (our) birthday. Fuck.

I'm irritated now. Disney's still after me. I can feel it. *shifty eyes*

Ri-fuckin-diculous...

goodnight.

I wish I could do more.
You have no idea how much you inspire me.
To me, you hold the moon.

I need you to be strong.
I need you to be patient.
I need you.

Hang in there.
Do your best.
Be your best.

Beb, I love you.

I haven't had a chance to tell you that today. I know you read this... =)

Please be patient with me. I have to deal with these new changes too. We'll be okay. After all is said and done...I'm still here with you and you're still with me.

A boy can't be any luckier. I love you.

Today threw me for a loop.

The first day of school was a little hard to get through because of my lack of sleep. Well, I guess it's to be expected during the first week of school. I have a new thing to juggle around and I just have to get used to it. It's gonna be a tad rough this week, but school is school right? bleh.

Work was bad enough. I decided to take a nap so I wouldn't be so tired at work. My alarm didn't wake me up and I was over 30 minutes late to work. Thankfully, there were no consequences this time. You better believe I'm not going to make that a habit. haha. The hours ended up working itself out. The shift was tedious, strange and frustrating...even closing the registers was a pain to solve. There were 2 huge mistakes that needed my attention and I ended up getting a call to add to the window display at the late in the shift. I have to get it done since the GM is going to be opening tomorrow. I ended up staying about an hour later just to get things in gear for tomorrow. I even had 2 near death experiences too...but I guess they were more humorous than they were tragic. ha.

I didn't come home to a "hello." Let alone an "I love you too." I think the longest conversation we had tonight was, "Mark, you need to learn time management," and I responded with "Yeah, I guess I need to learn a lot of things."

Maybe you're right. Inspiration and motivation should only come from within. I'm sure as hell not getting any support elsewhere...so maybe I should look inside and get it done myself. Who am I to want someone to understand me or at least listen to me? "How your day?" you ask? You didn't. Am I asking for too much? I don't know. Possibly, I am. Possibly I'm just CRAZY too. I just don't know anymore.

Mad? Hell yeah.
Frustrated? Fuck yah.
Willing to work at things? Of course I am.

The worst part is, it's payday on Friday no one will be around this weekend and I'm actually off on Saturday. There's nothing to look forward to and it looks like there's no relief from the rest of the week ahead. Maybe I should learn how to manage my time since I'm going to be spending a lot of the weekend by myself.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I'm not expecting much for the rest of this week. So hopefully I'll be impressed.

Thanks for listening Mr. Blog...I really needed someone to type to.

Despite the fact I had the worst sleep of my life last night, I think my school day has been going pretty well so far.

I'm hoping for a lot of progress this semester. PUSH ME!!! MAKE ME DO HOMEWORK. UNLAZIFY ME!!!

I'm dreading the ride home...I'm sleepy and I have work at 5.

blargh. yuck. sleepy. poo. (hee hee...."poo")

I know what I want for my birthday...hahaha.

I think "poo" is a funny word.

hee hee...

If you pre order at Toys R Us...you get a free plush

*ahem*

I was just thinking about how this year has been treating me. Someone told me that 2005 was my year. Now that I really sit and think about it (since it's my day off and I woke up like an hour ago...) I have no reason to complain about what I've received this year.

1. RnL and I reached our one year - despite all of our ups and downs.
2. I managed to get a great job with so many opportunities for me.
3. I've met the greatest friends I could ever ask for.
4. I got to meet another one of my best friends.
5. DISNEYLAND, Nor Cal, Vegas, and San Diego were the hotspots of the year.
6. Some walls were torn down between a particular person and I.
7. I've just been so happy about everything in general.


There's so much more. I've been thinking about how this past summer proved to be part of one of the best years I've had in a while. Upon my realization of me being selfish and close minded, I became really excited about my birthday. I haven't been so excited about it too often. Yeah, 23 isn't exactly a milestone age, but I think that it will be this year.

Wow my birthday is coming up. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

22 days and counting.

VAGINA i hope this wastes a text message VAGINA

I get the coolest text messages. Thanks Daryl. haha. That totally made my day.

It's official.

I'm on financial LOCKDOWN.

I found it and now I'm blogging with my PSP! I love it! Okay...time to sleep. Mark is a happy boy! wheeeeee!!!

ARGH!!! Where oh where is my USB cable for my PSP?!

I WANT TO UPDATE THE SOFTWARE...NOW!!!

blah...*pout*

I've decided to take a little more control over my life right now. I am planning to keep better track of my money. If I'm planning to make some big purchases and pay off some debt...You better believe that I have to save some money. So, I should keep better track of my spending. I've devised a chart to fill everytime I use my debit card. I also provided myself with an envelope to keep track of the receipts and payslips. I'm not sure when I'll purge them, but I'm sure I'll get a feel for it.

Speaking of money, it turns out that my wage hasn't kicked in yet so my hours were just as good as an associate. Ugh. I hope I get retroed for that. Anyway, being that it was our one year anniversary 9 days ago...I wasn't able to afford my gift for him at the time because of my low wages. Well, unfortunately...I still have low wages and I decided to just buy it anyway. I can starve for 2 weeks. It's not that hard. ha. I'm just going to have to budget and sacrifice more. Besides, it's worth it to see him happy and call me "crazy."

I have some other goals that have come up in the past few days. I realized that I can be so much better if I just organize and motivate myself.

Change is good. Having motivation and support to change...is EVEN BETTER.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad... I guess I'm just aloof. heh. Don't you ever just feel the need to write even when there's nothing really worth writing about? Yeah. I'm weird. I guess I'll recap what happened yesterday. That'll entertain you for a spell.

I made a checklist of stuff to do on my day off. I wanted to be productive yesterday. To my surprise, I did 90% of my list. The only things I didn't do were my loads of laundry. I decided to hold off until today.

When I went to my store yesterday, I thought I was only coming in to say hi and check my schedule. I ended up fixing the computer and the printer while having an impromptu 90 minute meeting with the GM. I was the only one who really knew how to fix the computer stuff... I guess I'm just the geek of the group. heh.

I really like the company and my employers aren't some faceless CEO's. I actually know the head of operations personally...and she likes me! I want to keep in contact with them. They really know how to treat and train their employees.

I mean I thought I was mad when I was woken up at 630 this morning to iron his shirt. I got over it pretty fast though. ha. Now, I'm up and it's too early to get anything done but have breakfast and call the CSUN Art Department. I might not go to school this semester. ugh.

Another day...another (you fill in the blank).

I really want to customize my layout...get some design practice...any ideas? ha.

It's funny how things happen when you least expect it. I just got home from work and a rose was waiting for me. It was from Lei. A simple rose...a reminder of growth and maturity...a symbol of love and respect.

All of a sudden I realize that I'm pretty lucky to have what I have. I couldn't help but smile a little inside.

Wow, my birtday's coming up. What did I want? What do I need? Someone asked what I want...and it had to be tangible.

Yes, the best gifts are the ones that are the most thought out...not the ones that cost the most money. I was never really a super rich kid, but I was well off enough to get the nice things I wanted...even if it wasn't considered the best. I'm happy with nothing more than a smile, hug, and a greeting.

BUT if you must know what I lack...here's a list. ha.

1. Nikon Coolpix 8800 or 8700 with a 2.0 GB CF card to go with it
2. Apple Powerbook G4
3. A Disneyland Premium Passport
4. A 1.0 or 2.0 GB Jumpdrive for school.
5. The Musical History of Disneyland (after seeing what it had to offer...i had to have it.)

These are only the the top 5 that i can think of off the top of my head...there's more i guess...but this is the "elite slash unreasonable" list. heh.

But seriously, it doesn't matter what it is...as long as it's from the heart. I don't really deserve anything that expensive! ha.

I hate the feeling when you want to say something to someone but you don't know how to really say it because you're afraid of hurting their feelings. I guess there isn't really a nice way to say some things, but I suppose it's better to be honest rather than just keep it inside.

I learned that I should be honest with my friends. I also learned that there are appropriate times to say certain things.

In other news, I'm just bored. REALLY bored. Unhappy bored. Wanting to be productive bored...

I need to get outta here.

argh.

is5LLy@6k2Bms5
bgegK%Jggptmt9

- LOVE DARYL

I haven't been on the net for 3 days. HA. weird. Lots has passed.

- Happy Anniversary RnL! I love you sooooo much. COME HOME SAFELY! I miss you!
- Work has been pretty good so far. I'm learning a lot.
- Happy birthday Peter!

There's more but I'm too lazy. ha.

When you're angry with the world and down on yourself, you say things that aren't really rational. I didn't mean to upset anyone, but then again, when I say stupid things I end up pissing people off. I guess I'm good at that. I was hurt, sad, and angry with someone and myself. This is my journal and I'm entitled to say things, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I upset and offended people. I'm really sorry.

To My Dearest Lei,
I am truly ashamed and embarassed. I never wanted to upset you... I really don't really deserve anything from anyone after being so selfish about things. I feel so bad for ruining my own surprise. I love you for working so hard to make someone like me happy. Thank you and I'm sorry.

I was asked if I was going to put a birthday list up. I'm not really sure if I should this year. Birthdays? Well, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of them in general, but it's just that most people don't make a big deal about mine, so why should I? I don't care. They don't care. Everyone wins.

My life has been slowly falling apart. I've been missing so much in my life and it's all my fault. I haven't been going to church. I haven't been going to confirmation. I need to go back. I need to be more responsible with a lot of things right now. Now, I'm in a place where I never wanted to be. I never thought I'd have to be in a shadow like this one. I still cry every night. I still have trouble sleeping. I hardly eat. The only thing that's going for me is my job, but who cares if everything else in my life is a mess? I guess that's the story of my life. I'm a messy guy who can't get life right.

I need to just disappear. I need to feel like I matter. I hate myself right now.

I hate my life.

I can tell that my dad is on top of the world right now.

He just told us he just got the job for the Marriot in the accounting department. I can see the fire in his voice. He's actually giving me words of encouragement. He's inspired and he's motivating me to get this website done. After all, it's for the good of the family. I can tell that he's excited because a lot of positive changes are happening here in the house.

I'm smiling. I love my dad.

I finally was able to get my dad's website off the ground. Personally, I like the design. ha. I just hope that he likes the branding, colors, and all that other good crap that I'm in charge of. I suppose I should take advantage of my full artistic freedom for this project. ha.

Anyway, I think I'm doing okay considering that the hubby's gone. I really appreciate the fact that he takes time out of his day just to say hi...even if its for just a little bit. It makes me feel better.

I'm still feeling weird I guess. I've been tossing and turning in my sleep and waking up at about 8:30. Even if the rest is at least 6 hours, I just don't feel rested.

I don't have much of an appetite either. I mean I eat when I have to but I feel sick when I finish eating. I feel like throwing it all up. yuck. I dunno, I know I should eat, but it's really discouraging if you feel nauseated right after.

Well, I'm off to do some personal projects and some cleaning. I'm sure RnL would be more than happy to come home to a clean living space...

I love you. I miss you.

Well, I ended up closing the store by myself today. I've never done that before and I didn't really have much help either. I was all alone and I took my time to make sure I did everything right... I also got my wage today. I was pleasantly surprised. It looks like that car is really in my sights...but I also realized that it'll be easy to pay off my debt in a month or two. I'm excited and motivated.

I'm off tomorrow, but RnL is GONE. =( I miss him so much.

Hmmm I'm gonna get paid tomorrow........wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!

That dumbass forgot something and drove back home for a split second. LOL. Cute. REALLY cute. hahaha.

This is going to be an interesting 10 days.

Arnell just left for his trip to Maui tonight. I always get sad right before he leaves. I'm such a wuss. I can't help it though. I hate watching him drive away. It's cute how he looks back just to tell me to stop looking like a sad puppy in a doorway. I'm going to miss him, especially on the 10th. That day would be our first year mark. I can't believe that I've been with him that long already. I suppose time flies when you're having fun, right? One year doesn't seem like a long time, but in GAY years, that's marriage status already. ha.

I guess I can keep busy. I have a new job now and I have lots of projects to keep myself occupied. At the end of each day, I'll go to my empty room and wonder what he's up to...and cry myself to sleep...and then the cycle will continue for almost 2 weeks.(Fuck you Peter! hahaha)

He deserves a vacation from work, life, responsibilities, me... It'll be good for him. I know that he wants to spend time with his family and he should.

I can't wait till you get home. You'll be a happier person and so will I.


So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go

cuz I'm leaving on a jet plane
dunno when I'll be back again
oh babe, I hate to go.

I think I'm more upset over the fact that things between us are growing and getting better and he had to leave. I don't want the progress to stop.

Beb, I hope you come home safely. I hope you come home with a renewed sense of self and love. I hope that all the things that have been bothering you lately go away and stay in Maui. I hope you love me more than when you left home.

God, I need to stop. I'm crying again. (fucking wuss)

I love you. I miss you already.

ALOHA!

Going to Disneyland for the weekend was totally a good way to end July. You all know how messed up it was for me not to go how many times because of the crap that would happen to me.

DAY 1: We went to Peter's for the night to visit him and figured that we'd go to the park from his place. It's always fun visiting Peter. We all ended up sleeping late. Peter had to wake up early because he had work that day and RnL slept in a little. I stayed up because I was so excited to go. HA. I felt like such a little kid. RnL woke up a little late and we left a little later than we had liked, but it didn't really matter. Arnell had 2 day park-hoppers for the both of us so I knew that we had plenty of time to do what we wanted to do.

We got there at about 1 pm and after parking and the tram ride we were at the gates by 1:20. I was so excited! I was going to be walking down main street with Arnell for the first time. THe line wasn't long so we walked over to the gate. I hand my ticket to the attendant with a smile and I was ready to start the day. The ticket machine made a sad noise and the attendant looks at me and says, "Um, these tickets are expired. They've been used twice already." My eyes widened. I didn't know that my Aunt gave us the tickets...so apparently no one knew that they were janky tickets.

I knew it. Why would Disneyland want to take me in? It's worked so hard to keep me out for 2 years and now I'm at the gate and access was DENIED. I was CRUSHED. We ended up having to get in line and buy tickets at the booth. I was so sad and frustrated. I could see the concern in Arnell's face. He decided to buy me a 2 day hopper while he got himself a Premium Pass.

We finally get in the park and the first thing we decided to do was Space Mountain. We grabbed some fast passes and decided to wait in line. It was about a 60 minute wait. About 40 minutes into the line we were told that there were some "technical difiiculties" and they weren't sure how long it would take to get back up. I was disspointed once again. Strike two.

Arnell decided to stay in line just in case. I figured that we stayed in line that long and we might as well go for it. 95% of the people left so we were pretty much in the front of the line. About another hour later, we were issued re-entry passes that would be good anytime the ride is open that day. So, we ended up with 2 passes, one for anytime we wanted and another late at night.

It was a really frustrating day after that though. We wanted to try different rides, but everytime I suggested it, the ride would break down...or the line would be WAAAY too long.

We decided to ditch the main park and hit up California Adventure instead. It was less crowded and at least the Tower of Terror would be open. Let me tell you that the Tower was off the hook. It scared the crap outta me...it shows in the first picture that we took. haha. We had a great lunch and rode the Maliboomer and Mullholland Madness. We spent most of the day at DCA.

We closed the night off doing Space Mountain twice and watching Fantasmic! He knew that it was my favorite show and we waited for it, so we had super awesome seats.

DAY 2: After some convincing, we got Peter to join us this time. The first thing we did was get some fast passes for Space Mountain. ha. We went to innoventions to see all the goodies. Peter whined, "Aww, I wanna see ASIMO." Lieterally, the moment he finished that statement, an attendant for the ASIMO theater came up to us and asked if we wanted to see the ASIMO show because it was going to start in 5 minutes and he had extra spots. We didn't hesitate to accept. The show was so cute and it made me want an ASIMO. hahaha. We were farting around the buidling and then we decided to play with the Interactive Stitch. I was surprised to see Maw Maw John and Mark Cow! I had no idea that they were there and surprised us at Innoventions. It just made that day so much more fun. That interactive stitch was the cutest thing. hahaha.

We all enjoyed the day, but we all decided to close the night off with some fireworks. We staked a place in front of the castle and waited for 90 minutes. It was totally worth it. I've never seen the fireworks in front of the castle before. I've always wanted to see it. The show was fucking awesome and the damn thing got me all teary eyed. I loved it.

:::::::::::::::::

I'm so grateful that Arnell took me to DLR and DCA. I feel like the luckiest boy in the world. I had a great time with my boyfriend and my best friends. I'll never forget all the good times. I love you guys. I love you Arnell. I love my gold ears and my stitch mits! haha.

Remember the Magic. Yeah, I'm sure I will. *sigh*

This past weekend was the best way to end July.

To Maw, Mark, Peter, Taylor, & Camille...

I'll describe the weekend later...

I'm giddy as a geek in a computer class...

still sick...but WHO CARES?!?!

I'M GOING TO DIZNEELAND BIATCHES!

I got issued my manager keys today.

Shit, I'm important.

The GM is going to talk to the higher ups to discuss wages before my first shift. When I say, "higher ups" I mean the VP's and CEO's are in on it...and fortunately for me...I was communicating with them and I really like them and I'm sure they took a shine to me too.

Well, here's to a new beginning. Wish me luck.

The Look - Ryan Tedder

Is it possible maybe to have a love so strong
That nothing could ever compare
I'm holding back nothing just for the look in your eyes
So baby don't be surprised

Well I want to know what makes your world go round
And I want to hear your voice for the sound
A love that defines all I've had in mind
Now I'm holding back nothing for the look in your eyes

Impossible, maybe, but worth one last try
I'm waiting on your reply
I'm sitting here patiently just for the chance that I might be able to hold you tight
And I want to know what makes your world go round
And I want to hear your voice for the sound
A love that defines all I've had in mind
Now I'm holding back nothing for the look in your eyes

Now time is all that we have
So won't you let me inside your perfect world for one night
Just open up for me
Girl I swear that I will be everything you've ever thought a man should be

And I want to know what makes your world go round
And I want to hear your voice for the sound
A love that defines all I've had in mind
Now I'm holding back nothing for the look in your...

I can see the way you're lookin' back at me
Oooh... Could it be that you see what you want to see
Just let your eyes believe it
I'll never lie to you, in my arms you will be, forever and I...
I'm holding back nothing for the look in your eyes
The look in your eyes...

I can't sleep. It's not the medicine, it should have knocked me out a while ago. I guess when you think of someone, they stay in your head for a while...even if they're sleeping right next to you.

He made me listen to that song one night. It made me think about how different things were about a year ago. I see things differently now. I know things that I didn't know a year ago. I've grown in so many ways. I've become stronger and a little stranger, but I'm different now.

Everyday is a test. I want to be sure that I'm not in some dreamworld. It's been almost a year now and I still love him. Why? I don't know for sure, but it doesn't matter. I have what I've always wanted, but now what? How do I handle it? I mean, I'm so good at messing up a good thing. I've never been able to keep a man interested for more than 3 months...but why would this one stay with me for so long and insist that he loves me? I guess there are so many things that are just bigger than the two of us.

Yeah, I'm a little scared sometimes. There are times where I doubt myself. There are times where I don't feel attractive or desirable. There are times where I don't believe that I amount to anything...I guess it's normal to question yourself; to explore your thoughts, wants, needs, and dreams... I get confused about a lot of things sometimes, but I guess in the end, I know what's best for myself and for our relationship. We're both treading unfamiliar territory here. Neither of us has been in a relationship this long...and it's just a challege we both share.

A friend keeps telling me, "You need to remind yourselves why you guys love each other." He's right...but now isn't one of those times. How can I remind myself if all I do is think about him? I don't really need any reminding that Arnell loves me. I don't need to remind myself that I love him. Not right now.

Well I was sent home early because I was feeling sick again.

BUT...I was given the ASSISTANT MANAGER position! wheeeeee!

I'm getting my come-uppins! hahaha.

*coff* ow. I think I need a nap. Being sick STILL sucks. I gotta get better! =(

Being sick sucks.

I had to miss work today. I think something was going around the store and I caught it. The air conditioning and the heat outside must've messed me up.

I ended up staying home and suffering through most of the day. I couldn't even make it to confirmation. I feel horrible, since there has been so many things that have been preventing me from attending. bleh.

On the upside of things...

I was reminded of how the little things are the most important. The fact that he came home and greeted me with a tight hug and kiss made that sickly feeling go away that much faster. Just watching a movie at home together made me feel better.

It's funny that after almost a year, I was reminded why I love Arnell so much. I know that the road has been pretty bumpy lately, but at least I'm still sitting shotgun.

After a few obstacles, I realized that Arnell really means a lot to me. I haven't really been the best boyfriend, but I really try hard. I want to be better for him. I want to be better for myself too. He must be doing something right if I still come home to him. Sometimes, I wish that he really understood how much I love him. Could it be that I'm loving him too much? Nah. There's no such thing.

I need my rest. It's time to sleep and we both have work tomorrow.

Things are getting better and I'm feeling not-so-under-the-weather. I hope I'm even better when I go to work tomorrow.

i'm feeling sick. I suppose that psychology affects physiology. blah.

my health has been declining since the week started. i dont wanna get sick! i have to be healthy this weekend.

Could this be the demise of my sunday event?! I certainly hope not. Then again...isn't that how it's supposed to happen? ergh.

I MUST REMAIN IN GOOD HEALTH!!!

Working is getting a little hard on me.

I mean after not working for over a month, having to work 46 hours in 5 days is kind of a shock to the system.

I feel like my world is spinning a little too fast. I have this feeling that I will slowly degenerate as the week goes by. I already feel like I'm starting to give way; physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually.

I feel like I messed up. Make it all go away.

I'm not too happy with myself right now. I don't feel very good about myself.

I don't feel happy. I just don't.

fuck.

hahaha just testing the audioblogger. nothing special.

Coming home to chocolate kisses is awesome.

I should do this work thing more often.

Oh...Peter you're awesome, you mean the pizza to me.

I'm off to my first day at work.

It's a temporary position for now...but hey, it's cash for now.

(wow...my lazy ass has a job...for now? ha.)

love you all...

feelin. fine.

I miss my banana. He's at Disneyland right now.

Damn you Disneyland!! *shakes fist*

Epiphanies.

When one comes to a realization concerning their character, the results bring about major change. Today, a friend and I spoke about how a simple detail was sort of glossed over. I think he fortified his self worth by realizing that he was not necessarily in the wrong. I mean, let's face it...one would always feel good when they figure out that they were the bigger person.

People are simply who they are...or at least try to be. There are traits and habits that some people have that we cannot simply change. There are things that we attempt to cope with, but in reality should not tolerate.

When we're in love, we think differently. One would tend to rationalize circumstances to cater to the benefit of a doubt. It takes a lot for someone to admit their wrong or take responsibility for certain actions. It's even more difficult to take responsibility for the faults of others. Sadly, there are times where our misplaced trust bites back. In other words, we make mistakes.

Mistakes are the only tools we can fully rely on. Every human is capable of making one....whether its deliberate or not. I'm not saying that mistakes are fun... Obviously most mistakes happen due to clouded judgement or simple instant gratification.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I never did believe in that. I've been the victim and I've been the one who initiated it. It doesn't feel good to be on either side.

The best revenge is living well.

Be who you are. Go with what you know...

A dish served cold? That shit better be DESSERT.

Normally, I would have let this whole thought process just go to waste with a good night's sleep. Not this time though. I couldn't let myself sleep without writing. I need to let myself know how I feel sometimes.

Friend, after opening yourself up I realized a lot of things. I respect you and love you so much more. It comforts me to know that you trust me enough to share and confide in me. You are a better person for stepping up and learning from your mistakes and being able to be patient enough to put the pieces together. You are an awesome person. Remember that everyone has to strive to be better people. You are important. You are loved for who you are...shortcomings and all.

Now I can sleep. My cousin's getting married in 9 1/2 hours...whoa.

thank you.

i'm sorry.

i love you.

i'll get over it. heh.

Something is wrong here. It's a beautiful morning and I'm totally awake for it. I wonder how that happened...hmmm strange.

I'm feeling pretty darn good right now. As of 11:20 last night, I completed yet another large project. In a previous post, I show the program cover. Well folks, that's not the only thing that I did. My diligent ass did their engagment photos, a short video presentation, as well as their programs. I was ripping my hair out getting it all done, but I couldn't have done it without the support system I had. The job would have cost her at least $1000 or so...and I'm talking after the "family discount." I did a LOT of work for the short time span that was given to me. I hope they like all the work that was put into it. After all that, I'm still getting them a present. ha. Am I awesome or what?!

The video concept was inspired and developed by Arnell. His ideas really got my thought process going. THANKS BEB! Peter attempted to keep me sane during the project and helped with the song selection. THANKS PETTERZ! My brother will piece it all together and even add a little Si flare to it. That's how septembros do it. THANKS BROTHER WHO SHARED A PLACENTA WITH ME!

I'm not so stressed out and frustrated anymore. THANK GOD. I've been so stressed out trying to meet deadlines. Shit, I deserve to go to Disneyland...oh wait. Never mind. ha ha.

In other news, I'm employed for next week. I'll be setting up Pumpkin Patch's flagship store in the Glendale Galleria. Now that I know a little more about the company, it's pretty damn cool. I'll be working 9 hour days most of the week, so I'll be outta sight most of the day. Finally, a little cash in the pocket. I'll enjoy a TINY part of what I got coming to me...but I have to keep in mind that I have bigger plans to fulfill.

In other-other news, I was immersed into a new culture. I was exposed to candy. That's right wrong! Strangers with Candy...That show is hilariously stupid. You can thank Peter for corrupting my thought process even more now.

I've been asked to put a birthday wish list up. I haven't really descided, but I suppose I'll put it up before August starts. Gosh...birthday gifts...that's a whole other entry all together. Blah, I digress...

I'm pretty content with life. This weekend is going to be an eventful one.

Someone remind me to stop by the Rib vending machine today. I'm kidding. I have to go to the Money Vending machine first. DUH.

(I forgot how cute RnL looks in scrubs before he goes to work. ha. I'm so gay.)

It suddenly dawned on me that people around me have been getting new cars.

1. Simon = Blue WRX
2. Tita Josie = Graphite CR-V
3. Joel = Silver Tacoma
4. Peter = Black Prius (the cool one...not the ugly echo wannabe)
5. Justin = Rust Element

I'm sure there are more.

I've decided to set a long term goal for myself. It's about time I took responsibility for myself...obviously, the payoff will be BIG.

What do you think of this?



The Scion xB has always intrigued me. I've been wanting a new car...not that my 1997 Civic isn't serving me well. I think that if I decide to make a large goal happen, I'd be able to do anything I put my mind to.

I'm not TOTALLY set on this car...but its the best bet for me.

The mileage is pretty good. The price is right. I'll post details later.

What do you guys think? Am I nuts? I think the car's hot! ha.

haha...I said, "nuts."

Gosh, just talking to my brother about this whole car thing really makes me want to do my homework.


NOTE TO SELF:

Before getting started: Do your homework about the car!

Step 1: Get a job and pay debts!
Step 2: Stay consistent and SAVE consistent
Step 3: Set down payment to $3500
Step 4: Have Mom co-sign (which she will. ha.)
Step 5: BUDGET BIG TIME -- SACRIFICE AND RATIONALIZE
Step 6: Stay patient
Step 7: SUCCEED

I'm finally done for the night. This wedding may be stressing me out and working my ass to bits, but it's worth it. My cousin is lucky that I love her! haha. The programs are totally done and the video is looking pretty good. I'm happy with the progress...I've been sitting at this effin computer for too long now. Argh.

RnL, I'm sorry that I'm working so much...I haven't been able to spend too much time with you. =(

I really wanted to tell you all what happened this past weekend, but I'm tired and may not care enough to type it all. ha.

I CAN'T PLAY ANIMAL CROSSING! NooOoOooOOOOoooo!!!!
(But, I guess it's for the better...*grumble*)

This wedding will be the death of me.

So...

much...

work...

*dies*

good night. argh.

It's been almost a year, and beb, we've been through so much together. Even when I doubted myself the most, love prevailed. I was reminded of how much I love the little things that you do for me. I was reminded how fragile my heart is when I open up to you. I was reminded how special this relationship really is to me.

I'm sorry for all the times I've given up on myself and for all the times I just seemed to stop caring. I'm a better person because of you and I still strive to be more than I am now.

When you kiss me, my heart smiles. When you hug me, I feel secure and wanted. When you look at me, I see patience and compassion. Always tell me that you love me, even though I already know. Hearing "I love you." reminds me that a loving God exists.

I love hearing you laugh and seeing you smile. It makes my world turn. I love all the little things...every little bit of you. It brings meaning to my life. I always thought that life was only meant for one...but in fact it's meant to be shared with the person who loves you for who you are; everything you are. Never forget how much you mean to me...my friend, my hero, my love.

I love you with every fiber of my existence.

Why?

Only because you love me back...