I just signed my face back onto downelink.

gah.

The first thing he said when he got home was, "I love you."

At that moment, I realized that my weird day at work didn't matter anymore.

This past week was a trying one...but when he looked at me with his tired eyes and reminded me that he loved me, the world was starting to make sense again.

I love the "Best Week Ever" on VH1.

Yeah, I think everything's gonna be okay. I got to fix a few things. I'm a moron, but I guess I gotta learn sometime.

RnL, I love you. I'm sorry.

DAMONE - "Up To You"

You are who's inside of my heart,
Made don't want to be apart.
I would cry to see you go woah-woh,
Cuz you are who's inside my heart.

I can be the one who goes,
I am strong in this you know woah-woh
I don't wanna be alone,
You are who's inside my heart.

So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
If you care about me cuz I know I care for you,
And I want you there, I'll leave it up to you.

Here inside it's hard to see who holds,
See if I am what you want.
I'll be here with sticks and stuff,
I'll be here to let you know.

So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
If you care about me cuz I know I care for you,
And I want you there, I'll leave it up to you.

So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
So meet me if you care, I'll be at the spot,
Maybe see you there or not.
If you care about me cuz I know I care for you,
And I want you there, I'll leave it up to you.

----------------------

I got what was coming to me. I'm fearing the worst...I deserve the worst. I can't look at anyone in the face. The silence is killing me. A piece of me is missing. I'm the one who lost it and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. As the saying goes, "you never know what you have until you lose it."

I smile as if everything's okay, fooling the world around me. You don't know the void I've created inside. I've crawled in and I don't want to see the world. I'm hoping that I'd selfishly die in my own enclosed space.

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Holy shit...I must be REALLY fucking weak. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with how my pathetic life panned out. I'm angry about how stupid I am.

Tomorrow will be coming. Shit, another day of living. What's the point? I don't know anymore. I don't want to wake up unless its from this nightmare.

Am I okay?

No.

But I will be...I hope.

I am the worst __________ in the world.

a) friend
b) boyfriend
c) role model
d) person
e) all of the above

I realized that I'm really stupid when it comes to a lot of things. I know now that I cannot be someone who can be trusted with another life. I know that life is what I make of it and I fucked it up again.

I'm in a corner I put myself in.

This cough is like how I am right now; irritating, purposeless, and painful...a noise no one wants to hear.

No one talk to me. I'll hurt you. I swear I will. I've become an expert at it.

I hope I die today. It would probably be my own fault.

Love isn't an emotion. They can change and die out.

Love is constant work and sacrifice. It's about patience and acceptance. People love wholeheartedly only when they realize that it's not just about an emotion inside. Love has to be nurtured through mistakes and perserverance.

I learned today that love can be overly glamourized. Sometimes people do not realize what they have until it's gone. They don't realize that it takes work and it's okay to stay together...even through the hard times. It's okay to have a difference of opinion once in a while. I realize that balance is needed when it comes to love. No one has authority over another. Both have complete control of the relationship.

I don't know what it was about the homily tonight. It was about how love isn't what we think it is. It was about how one must really consider another's heart when it comes to love. It's not about a feeling. It's so much more than that. Love is a simple and complex notion. Each facet is just as important as the last.

Yeah, I miss him. I really do. I took in the words spoken today. Love. It's strange that it can strengthen the likes of anyone yet it's so fragile.

Think about love a little bit.

Think about who tells you that they love you. Do you really love them for everything they are and everything that they're not? I don't just throw out that phrase. If I tell you that I do...then I do.

I love you.

There are some purses that you'll always like.
Then there are some really nice purses that you want every one to see and be seen with.
There are some purses that you still really like but don't really want to be seen with.

- L.C. (Laguna Beach)

I sorta feel like the 3rd one. There are some people I feel like placed me aside for a while. I'm not really liking it. I'm not really feeling like a friend.

My boyfriend is leaving for the bay area again. I'm not really liking that either. I finally have a whole weekend off and I can't do a damned thing.

I'm feeling kinda sad now. Argh.

Someone fucking shoot me already.

This cough is driving me up the wall. I can't sleep because of it. For some reason, it acts up the most when I'm lying down trying to sleep. It's 4 am now and I've been trying to sleep for a few hours. When I finally fall asleep, I'm gently awaken by a hacking cough that DOES NOT STOP. IT SUCKS.

Oh, I almost cracked my head open too.

Awesome.

AT THE BRINK

It's funny how most of the time I think that my work is mediocre at best. I got my movie poster back today and I was told that I am at the brink of outstanding and that I do amazing work.

I.

was.

STUNNED.

No really, I was. I mean, I didn't think that I was THAT good. I didn't expect my work to be received so well. No. I'm not bragging. I'm probably just as astounded as you (the reader) are. ha.

Well here see for yourself...

This was the first and MAIN design.


This was the second design. This one was optional


He liked both designs and graded the project as an A. Unfortunately, I was a little lazy about it and got graded down for the overall grade but whatever...the final was an A and he suggested that I just work on the process a little more so the over all grade wouldn't be affected.

I guess I really should pursue this...hmmmm. It's nice to know that my work is actually noteworthy. ha.

I called my creditors and I increased my payments.

As of 2006, I'm DEBT FREE.

BOOYAH!

I've finally caught up with my life and I'm happy.

I've had many issues to deal with these past 4 weeks but I'm happy that I got through it...well...most of it.

Sometimes I wish I could just make it all go away. Yeah. I'm stupid...but at least I'm happy.

Finally...

So what did I learn?

I have some friends who don't believe in God. That's fine with me, you know? I shouldn't be one who force feeds religion to other people. I'm certainly not one to compromise someone else's belief system either. I respect the fact that I have friends who don't believe in the same ideas that I do.

So what? What's so significant about that?

I learned that some people do not possess the ability to believe in a higher power. Just like some people do not have the ability to have neat handwriting. It's not that they refuse to believe. It's just another facet of human nature. I learned that some people can want to believe and understand, but some just do not have it inside to do so.

Just because one does not believe in God (or any other higher being for that matter), does not automatically make them a bad person. A lot of people don't seem to understand that. I'm really trying harder to understand it myself. People are people. That's just a reality that we all have to deal with everyday. There are people who believe in a higher being and commit crimes...so really...what difference does it make to some people?

Obviously, having faith may be the only thing that keep people going. Some don't depend on it. Some do.

RESPECT: Life is too short not to respect the people in your life. It's not worth pointing fingers or placing blame. It hurts me that I'm in the middle of two parties. Yeah, I have to compose myself a certain way, but I guess I should be used to it...It's beyond my control and it's something that I just have to deal with.

Love me. Hate me. Whatever...

Just look at me as a person. That's it. That's all I am. Fuck my beliefs...they're NOT YOURS.

I learned something today. I oughta share it with you.

I went to Disneyland by myself the other night. I didn't want to be around people I knew. I just wanted to spend time alone and just no worry about having to deal with people at all. I managed to catch the Believe fireworks show. I asked a family if I could stand with them to watch the show. I told them that it was just me and I just wanted to watch the show. They looked like that they felt sorry for me and let me watch with them.

It was nice to hear kids gasp in awe and parents point out things for their kids. I smiled when the kids got excited and the music always sways me.

Unfortunately, I went during the gay weekend. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the gay weekend. There were just these 2 bitter old queens who thought that they were so above imaginations.

"That show was so marginal. Did you see the shapes they were TRYING to make? Hearts... Squares? Dissapointment."

I wanted to kick the shit out of those two. Then again, I guess I'd be bitter too if I were ugly and old. It'd be hard to reminice if you're just full of negativity. They had no imagination. Ugh. stupid bitter old fags...they pissed me off.

Anyway, I'm just dreading another week of school and work. I don't want to do either but we both know that I gotta get my shit done. blah...