As drowsy as I am, I refuse to sleep without writing my thoughts onto my blogger.

I watched him at his PCN practice today and something dawned on me. What if this guy has no interest in what I have to offer at all? Naturally, friends is totally cool, but now that I think about it, what a stupid way to make a friend. I hit on the guy, hope that he likes me, and then become his friend because it doesn't work? Now the idea of friends isn't a bad one...it just seems like a really odd method to me.

I realized that I could very well be wasting my time yet again. I can like the guy all I want, but that doesn't affect how he feels about me. I don't get the vibe that the attraction is mutual. I can't control how he feels and I can't control how I feel. I'm really attracted to him. I like him a lot, but I really feel like I'm looking like a fool calling him and all that shit. I like the guy...that's all I know. I don't know how he really feels. I have no idea if he's even looking for a relationship...and if he is, am I even his type? I don't know what to expect from this guy, so I just leave it alone. If nothing comes out of this, then I guess I'm just gonna tend to myself for a change. I'm tired of trying to get a guy's attention and not have it work out for me in the end. FUCK THAT SHIT.

I hate liking a guy and then feel hella stupid when I find out they don't like me back. FUCK.

I hope he doesn't think I'm totally obsessed with him or anything. I mean, I think about him a lot, but I guess it's in vain. I don't want to tell him how I feel. I'm scared of the answer. I don't want to get shot down again for like 57102465023465th time. I wonder what he thinks; how he feels. Argh. Guys are just something I don't want to mess with anymore...This guy is last in line before I just give up on men for a while. I guess it's about time I did. If I can't win, shouldn't I just give it a rest and try again later? This is the last gold ticket I'm gonna give for a while. Last call........

If things don't work out (which is highly likely), then I'm gonna have to shape things up in the Mark department. I want look how I feel inside. I want to exude more confidence in myself. I'm so self concious image-wise. There are so many things about me physically I want to change. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like I'm just not the type that's attractive to the type I'm attracted to. I see guys with great bodies and cool hair dressed in the best clothes...and I look at them and think, why can't I look like that? I mean if I have the personality, looking like that would just be the icing on the cake.

Now that life is changing...not everything is better, but life is just moving along. I want to change my image. I want to look myself over and not have a second thought. I want to feel attractive. My ex made me feel like the greatest person in the world and when I lost him, I lost my perception of myself.

I know I sound like a little high school girl, but all I want is be given that second look...raise an eyebrow.

With all that bullshit aside. I had a good day today. Justin...sorry about the roundabout....hahaha.

Nothing too important to say. I guess no news is good news, right?

(I actually was about to bitch and moan about how pathetic and single I am...and how my other friends are really laying the PDA on thick...bastards. I'm so over it. You'll read on later about the whole thing. I know it's a long entry...but to some, they should find it worthwhile to read through.)

It's funny how people tell me to be careful what I wish for. I guess I got more than I bargained for. heh. I'll get to that later though.

I guess some people have different ways of expressing brute honesty. I'm sure he meant no harm or anything by informing me on that someone I had my eye on. Frankly, I wasn't really surprised either. Whatever. I mean, why do the guys I show interest in don't show it back? Why do the freaks, geeks, and weirdos get obessed with me? I just don't understand why Mark can't land a man. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. What the fuck is wrong with me anyway? I'm not a cheater. I'd treat him like a prince. It seriously puts a strain in my thought process. It makes no sense to me.

I'm really just tired of being frustrated, lonely, and just plain feeling so stupid. I'm really closing shop this time. Poop told me that I shouldn't land a man. One should fucking land me. I just don't want to waste my time with guys who aren't even interested. I'm done with guys who are afraid or uninterested in commiting. Honestly, am I just fooling myself? Am I cut out for someone else out there? I mean shit...It's like everything is a dead end for me.

Now let's go back to the whole "be careful what I wished for" idea. I've always wanted close downe friends...a circle that I can depend on for anything...even when things go wrong. I can't ask for better friends. Even though they PDA the shit out of our time together. Yeah, the single guy is odd man out...but it's cool. I really love their company. I feel out of place and in the loop at the same time. I feel so close to them and I really just love doing nothing with them. I'm so lucky to have them in my life now. They remind me that good friends are much more worthwhile finding than a man. Justin, Jad, John, Mark...I consider myself pretty damn lucky to have these guys. I guess I never really sat and thought about it. I guess I never really appreciated the true value of their time and presence.

I suppose you can consider this entry bittersweet. As much as I tend to focus on the negative things...I'm really thankful for all of the good vibes that I get. I'm pretty damn lucky to have all the friends that I have...to have the loving family that I have.

Now that I think about it, I guess it's pretty stupid to fixate myself on a man that doesn't exist rather than a large handful of friends and family that I actually do have.

And Justin...It's always the best to be bored with you. haha. Thanks homie bestest. You're awesome.

Work seemed to drag on forever...but it wasn't really too bad. I mean work was pretty fun. I got to know some of my new co workers. I highly doubt that they know that I'm gay. It's kinda of funny actually... In any case, I'm enjoying my job right now...but there isn't anyone who's really super fine at work...unlike at islands...I kinda miss looking at the yummy mestizo boy...hahaha. *ahem* I digress...

I have more to say...but maybe later. heh. *sigh*

Today is Scott's birthday party. Obviously the parentals are riding me like a bronco, but I guess it comes with the territory. Oh well...this will be fun today. Good times.

I'm working again tonight. I'm working 4-830...I'm closing again. VISIT ME!!! *shakes fist*

I'm working tonight at 6 - close

Come visit me! I'll be in Pac Sun at the Media City Center @ Burbank. =)

About 2 more hours and Scott turns 1!!!!

Happy First Birthday SCOTT! Ninong Mark loves you VERY much. =)

I've never appreciated the number 5 more than tonight.

Let's get one thing straight (or gay...however the hell you wanna look at it). Don't change your demeanor on my account. If you do, then you're denying yourself and your friends of who you are. Didn't I mention that one of these days the timing of our sarcasm is gonna be off? And that evetually one or both of us are gonna get pissed? Sure, I was mad...but not for long. I get that it was weird for a while, but don't think that I don't want to talk to you and don't think that I'm so mad that I'm unapproachable. There's only one thing that's out of my control, though... I can't stop you from seeing me a different way. But then again, our perceptions of each other have to evolve and grow along with the friendship right?

Yeah, I guess there's such a thing as spending too much time together. It was about time we shared negative vibes. Besides, if we can't handle small mishaps like this...what would happen if a major mistake occured (God forbid...)? In any case...I hope it's behind us.

I'm glad you called. I can sleep a lot easier tonight.

I can't sleep.

He didn't give me a chance to explain myself tonight. I guess I can't really blame him. I hate feeling like I totally messed up. It was such a small thing but I guess there were some big reprecussions. I wish I never reacted the way I did. I wish I didn't compromise everything. I wish I knew what to do about it. I guess "sorry" isn't good enough, is it?

Did I really think that life would be perfect; that everything would be on par? No. How stupid of me to make an assumption like that. Of course, I have to mess something up so life would be "normal." Ugh. Someone just smack me. Cynicism is easy when you look at the world through jade colored glasses.

Good one, Mark. How are you gonna fix this one?

I never really thought people took stock into my advice. I just speak from experience.

I ran into some old grade school friends at the local starbucks today and mused about life, politics and yes...LOVE. It was kind of amusing that they literallly lined up to talk to me hoping to get some advice. I never intended to solve their problems...just to listen and offer my two cents.

I guess I've been through a lot to be able to spew out some decent advice...but advice is taken differently by me. Advice isn't me pointing them to the right path. Advice is merely me helping them decide as to which direction they want to go. Obviously, the phrase "results not typical" applies, when it comes to my words... My aim is to open the person to new ideas. After all, who am I to solve people's problems...they're not mine to begin with. Also, if I were the one having to solve the problems, that would make ME responsible for the results acheived, right?

To my old school friends:
If you're reading this, I miss you and love you. I wish you nothing but the best and hope for you if the worst happens. Trust in yourself, your ability and your credibility...and most of all, trust God. You guys said that I'm balanced...that's because I fell quite a bit and finally learned to stand. IF ALL ELSE FAILS...guys are just stupid anyway. hahaha. jk.

I've added new links.

PokerRoom.com - This is where I play online poker from time to time.
PacSun.com - My new work place. yay.
JanetJackson.com - Need I say more?
downelink.com - If you're not downe with it...don't ask me. heh.

What are you still doing here? SURF!

I had a great day again. I love spending time with homie bestest. I just left to visit him on a whim and as usual we did dumb things that were so much fun. Thanks for the shirts =). I'll wear it on my first day at work. yay.

Now I'm home and talking to my UNF sis Caroline. We're channel surfing while we're online together. Isn't that just uber-productive?! haha. The perfect end to a kick back day before i go to school tomorrow.

me: ok im bored again
me: haha
caroline: aww
caroline: i'm bored too
me: im watching drew carey
me: haha
caroline: i'm watching W&G
caroline: but it's about over. aww.
caroline: OMG! N.E.R.D. on Letterman.
caroline: this is my lucky night lol
me: LOL
me: how sad we're watching TV together while we're on AIM
caroline: LOL. sad.

I GOT THE JOB AT PAC SUN! I START ON WEDNESDAY!!!

done. you like?

Argh. That dimple; I just wanna poke it. haha. He's so cute too. bleh.

What am I saying? I don't know. I'm dumb sometimes. But perhaps I've said too much already.

Good times last night.

I can't remember half the night.

Not gonna do Rage like that ever again. *gags*

man...why do i feel like this thing needs a facelift?

i'm feeling creative folks...i just might change this thing again.

I was thinking about buzzing all of my hair off. I've done it before. I do it as a sign of change and new growth...now that everything is just different for me.

I guess I can't really do it right now, though. I want to look presentable if I end up getting the job at Pac Sun.

Pray for me guys. I need an income.

I haven't been home for 24 hours yet and I've been put on the block twice already.

*sigh*

Did anyone notice I dissapeared for a few days? haha.

Since no one would leave me alone, I decided to take myself out of the element completely.

I went to Vegas this past weekend and didn't tell anyone. I decided to NOT take calls. Even my voicemail stated that I wouldn't take calls. I made goals for myself and acheived each one. I am revived, refreshed, and regenerated. Heh, whatever happens in Vegas...STAYS in Vegas. *wink* haha. I had a lot of fun.

[bragging] i knocked out 3 people off the Texas Hold'em Poker Table. hahahahaha. [/brag]

My feet can't stay on the ground any longer...
every leap of faith I feel a little stronger.

I wanna swing from a star,
in the big blue sky.
Don't wanna watch it all go by...

So I'm gonna fly.

Oh Lordy...

My theory that Del Amo girls have little or no gaydar has been confirmed. Like I said earlier, I wanted to get something for myself for once...so I went to visit the bro and we'd take Scott out and we could go shopping for girls and guys. I got a shirt from AE and some cargo shorts and boxers from Aero. I got myself an entire outfit...FINALLY! SHIT!

Okay so here's a story...of a lovely lady. Who had 2 very dense coworkers...and then one day when this lady met this fellow...and i knew it was much more than a hunch...that this group would somehow form an opinion...yet they were very wrong.

She was my sis-in-law's friend who worked at Aero. I didn't tell her that I'm gay...and I don't need to broadcast shit like that either. heh heh. Anyway, I knew that she was somewhat flirting with me. I just went with it. I didn't really want to embarass her at work. Her assisstant manager was there too. The thing is that they thought that I was straight...except for the downe guy who was hanging out there since it was his day off. He kept giving me the eye too. hahaha.

When my bro and I went back the final time, the guy was there talking to the assisstant manager. They told him to stop checking me out. "Stop looking at this fool...he is NOT for you." (Oh little did they know)

She wants to have drinks and chill with me but what am I gonna tell her? I don't want to be the one who breaks the news to her...LOL.

Today was a welcome change from the fast paced, nerve wracking crap I was so used to doing.

I woke up as late as possible without a care in the world. I didn't want to wake up to the early afternoon callers. I didn't want anyone or anything to interrupt me. I got up and just went online to check my mail and messages, and to my surprise, I had quite a few to sift through. After foruming on downelink, Keith and I went to the bank. Thanks for the cut Keith...you're really awesome. Then, I went to Gail's house to have a WYD 05 meeting. I know I said that I didn't want to do anything remotely "responsible," but I knew it would be fun to go to. After the meeting, Keith and I went to the Glendale Galleria for no apparent reason. I took him home and went to just sit and bask in the house. That got stale pretty fast so I decided to joyride around. I found myself strolling the shops at Old Town Pasadena. Of course, I decided to take the long way home...but I didn't go home right away. I stopped and parked in the front of the church to just muse to myself. I sat on my car with the stereo humming my "happy" CD. I looked around and reminiced. I remembered how me and my ex fought in front of the convent and talked it out. I remember laughing at the "butt tree" when I was in grade school. I remembered how we processed on the street for my 8th grade graduation. There were so many memories on that street alone...and they range from 1st grade to this day. I sat there and glanced at the church and thought to myself, "This moment would be nice to share with a boyfriend..but in due time I guess."

Today was what I needed. I stopped to smell the roses this time. I never realized what I had missed being couped up in my own shit. I shouldn't let anyone bring me down...especially myself.

Don't rain on my perfect day. I want more of them. I deserve more of them.

My friends tell me that I need to give myself an expensive treat for once. I was asked, "Name one thing that you've done for YOURSELF?" I had no answer and that really upset me. I can't remember the last time I took the time to take care of MY OWN well being. I was so fixated on fixing everyone else's shit. I guess that's why I want to be single and not want anyone to holler at me. I want to regenerate and treat myself right...no one seems to respond when i treat them right...bah.

My friends tell me that the guys who passed up my offer had no idea what kind of opportunity they had...and it's quite rare of me to give out that golden ticket. heh. My friends are awesome.

The blindfold's off my eyes and now all I see for me are better days...

Honesty.

That word can be so conforting and intimidating at the same time. It's as hard to give it as it is to receive. Unfortunately, I haven't been respected enough to receive it. I found something out recently that really pissed me off. In a way it validated my situation...but you know what, it doesn't excuse the fact that there are some fucked up people out there. It's funny how often I get underestimated.

You know what? I know that I'm MORE than good enough. I know that there really is nothing wrong with me or what I do. I know that I'm above so many people and that I deserve more than what I have. I realize that there are a lot of petty people out there...sadly everyone's been a victim.

My mind, body and heart has gone through a lot... If you're not here to help me, you're a waste of my time.

After these past 2 months...I've been through a lot. There are people that really put themselves on thin ice with me. There are things that need my attention NOW more than ever. I've spread myself WAY too thin. It's time for me to take care of myself...and JUST myself. Consider the bar RAISED.

Honesty shouldn't hurt...but it does sometimes...and it STINGS.

Everyone wants a piece of me...well if you have a problem with me or about me, TAKE A NUMBER. I'll be with you as soon as possible, but don't expect me to be a ray of sunshine. My life hasn't been lollipops and bunny rabbits as of late...

(For the anal and paranoid people out there...this isn't pointed at anyone in particular. It's just that I've had to put up with a lot these past few days.)

This is the weekend where I'm going to look up at the sky and yell, "FUCK YOU, WORLD!" I'm gonna take the reigns and make life MY bitch for a change. I finished a major project with Keith and let me tell you it was worth the sleepless nights. To keep myself on that happy roll, I made a mix CD entitled, "GET HAPPY DAMMIT!" It includes 17 songs that never fail to jumpstart a good mood.

Honestly, I'm tired of asking questions and knowing that I'm not gonna get any answers. If I'm not gonna get what I want, then...FUCK IT. I'll move on to the next task at hand. They say that what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...i'd be dead if it weren't for my friends who make me stronger.

One more thing, YES...I'm ready to be friends but you have to realize that if you really do want me in your life as a friend...prove it to me. DJ was the only one who was able to man up to me and build a friendship... I hope you can manage to do the same.

I can FINALLY breathe and I'm relieved to see that little light at the end of my tunnel. Today was a tiring...but PERFECT day.

"On this perfect day
Nothing's standing in my way,

On this perfect day,
Nothing can go wrong

I'm in the race
But I've already won
And getting there can
Be half the fun,
So don't stop me
Till I'm good and done,
Don't you try to rain on my

Perfect, day
On this perfect day
On this perfect day..."

Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

freakin gail...LOL I pretty much always do the quizes that she does.

I did it in 3 seconds.
I deserved an A++!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!

IN YOUR FACE JUSTIN!

I hate this shit.

I went through all my things and found these pictures of us at the beach. I found that piece I drew of him and the sunset. I hate the fact that I do these things for guys and never get the chance to give it. In the end, I feel like I wasted my time. I still feel that I wasn't good enough for him. I still feel like I fucked something up and he won't tell me what it was. I honestly feel like I might have been used. I feel like that I was just a joke to him.

I feel so bare having shared my secrets and faults with him. I feel embarassed knowing he got the best of me. It scares me to know that he knows me in ways my friends don't. I hate to think that maybe I was just a faceless person to kiss for his own benefit.

Friends? He's gonna have to prove that to me. I've been dealt the "friends card" a few times and DJ was the only one who proved himself to me.

The cynical side of me is saying that I was just his puppet and he got what he wanted. His words were hollow. His actions had a different motive. He played me as well as he plays the piano...

However the more rational side is telling me that he really was genuine at the time...and that I'm speaking out of anger...maybe even jealousy.

Nonetheless I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt (Besides, since I got fired, it's not like he reads this anymore...blah.) and I refuse to believe what I'm thinking.

Boys? Screw em. I'm gonna be single for a while. I'm not looking for a hook up. I'm not looking for a relationship...I want friends...that's it for now. I'm DONE putting myself out there like a dumbass. I'm done being sad about guys who can't commit to me because "I'm the nice guy." After every heartbreak my walls get higher and higher...my standards become firmer.

YOU WANT THIS HEART...CLIMB THAT WALL. I'M DONE MEETING ALL THESE GUYS HALF WAY. I'M NOT GONNA PLAY HARD TO GET...YOU JUST CAN'T GET IT.

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I'm just another victim. I've been playing the fool so many times.

I'm a victim of a heart that's not ready for me. I'm tired of being the one who gets stuck in the middle. I've heard the same story over and over. I'm the nice guy that no one wants to hurt. Do these guys think that I'm not capable of taking pain? Fuck.

There are so many solutions that would validate the fact that him and I aren't talking. I don't want to assume things, but also, I'm not a fucking idiot. I'm tired of guys who express so much interest and then leave me to die. It sucks that I'm the type of guy who gives his all into someone to make them happy...and where does it get me? In the fucking dumpster. I've been led on, screwed over, taken for granted, and used. Yeah, I'm used to it...but who really deserves to be used to it. Eryk told me that every guy claims that they want that prince charming to sweep them off their feet. They want to have that perfect someone who would do anything for them. Unfortunately, when they get it, they don't know what to do with it.

I read his journal tonight and thought to myself, "I guess he wasn't ready. I'm not what he wants. I'm not what he's looking for. I'm not the one who's good enough to fill those shoes. I'm wasting my time waiting for someone who'll never turn around. I was at the right place but the WRONG time."

I'm at the end of the line. I had some sort of attack last night. My body refused to function and it scared me. I've never felt like that before. I've been having WAAAAY too much stress lately and frankly being dumped isn't something I needed...

I'm DONE with the male population right now. I'm DONE feeling like an ass. I'm done spending my time, money and effort for things not to proceed. I've been kicked around before...so I'll manage.

"Friends say I'm crazy cuz,
easily I fall in love...
Gotta do it different J M,
this time..."

FUCKING SHIT. WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN?

Sure. Friends is fine...but right now I don't want to talk to you for a while. I need to regenerate.

Doesn't anyone want what I have to offer? Screw it. I'm not looking for anything for a while. Males confuse me too much. They want one thing...you give it to them and then they don't want it anymore. *sigh*

I asked God to take away my pain. God said, "No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up."

I asked God to make my handicapped friend whole. God said, "No. The spirit is whole; the body is temporary."

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, "No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't gratned. It is learned."

I asked God to take give me happiness. God said, "No. I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you."

I asked God to spare me pain. God said, "No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, "No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful."

I asked fora ll things that I might enjoy life. God said, "No. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things."

I asked God to help me LOVE others as much as he loves me. God said, "FINALLY, You got the idea!"

Life is not always easy to be a part of. Life moves so fast and sometimes we just want to get away from it all. I'm having a lot of trouble with life right now. I feel like that I'm being pulled in so many different directions. Though my body fatigues, I refuse to let my spirit suffer, so I pray...

"Life is life, fight for it." Mother Theresa

Sometimes things don't go the way you want it to. (heh...story of my life...) The heart is an amazing thing...though it breaks often, it always manages to heal itself over time. Yet again, mine broke...I guess I wasn't confused about Charles after all. I knew in my heart of hearts, that things would be different. In the long run I'm glad to keep him as a friend than not be in my life at all...but then again, haven't we heard that line before? *sigh*

"Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are."

"Nice guys finish last..." Amen to that sister...

One more thing...THIS WISDOM TOOTH IS KILLING ME! It needs to get out! I need new glasses too. blah.

So everyone wants to know why I’m on hiatus…I decided to completely excommunicate myself from the entire world. I can’t hide behind my mask anymore.

Let me tell you why. I AM IN A VERY FOUL MOOD. I’m TIRED, HIGH STRUNG, IRRITATED, SAD, CONFUSED, and LEFT HUNG OUT TO DRY. Nothing makes sense to me right now. I’m getting nothing out of what I have, don’t have, and long for. People are ticking me off left and right…the sad part is, some of them have no idea.

How’s life? Well, overall it’s really pissing me off. Let’s start with this DSL. I had to type this shit on WORD because the DSL line isn’t cooperating with me. I needed to type this out before my fury subsides.

I just got home from taking mom from the grocery store. We left while it wasn’t raining and I didn’t want to go because I knew it was going to start to pour when we go home…but mom insisted that we go. You guessed it. It rained like hell when we got out…SO my mom went to Sav-On next door while I loaded the groceries into the car. I came back drenched. Not happy about that at all.

Next, there are things that I need to get done and honestly, I’m ignoring a lot of people right now. I need to get the video done…which is close. I need to get my art projects done which I haven’t started. I need to CLEAN MY SHIT because everything is a MESS. Why can’t people leave me alone?! I know it’s my fault for not getting it done but GIMME A BREAK. My well being is GONE and I’m having a lot of trouble acheiving balance.

Another thing…there was a situation that ROYALLY pissed me off. Charles said something to a friend of mine that took him over the top. Long story short, there must’ve been a misunderstanding, but honestly, it was NOT the right time for me to be in the middle of that. Don’t even get me started on Charles….that’s just a whole myriad of confusion all together. *sigh*

I could go on and on about my love life (rather lack thereof), but I don’t want to open that jar until I know what to do with it. I know I fucked it up somewhere…grrrrrrrrr.

What do you all want from me? Why do you guys push me? Why is everything falling apart? Why can’t I make sense out of anything? FUCK. I’m on a mission to get my answers and DON’T bug me. I have so much shit to do.

If you call, you may not get the reaction that you want. I’m in a very FOUL mood…If I don't talk to you...its probably nothing personal.

I want to feel whole, calm, happy, carefree, loved.

I want things to finish. I want a relationship. I want an income. I want to leave. I want to stop struggling.

I want to BREATHE or die trying.

FUCKING SHIT. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. LET ME GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.

You want a piece of me? Well get in line…

(2 hours later...I figured out I couldn't sign on to the DSL line because my sister was using the dial up blocking the dial tone for the modem)

Fuck off and leave me alone. Let me vanish for a little bit. fuck...