I want to put the hiatus on hold for sec...

I wanted to share something important to me. Today is the one-year death anniversary of my Lolo. I will never forget him.

It's because of him...
my dad loves me so much.
I don't smoke.
I love The Price is Right.
I respect my elders.
I love my cousins.
I like Pop Rocks.
I had the best childhood anyone can ask for.

I can't believe it's been a year to this day. God called him.

I love you always and I will never forget you. Thank you for everything.

HIATUS
i think it's for my own good...maybe yours too.

I don't know how long, but I think I should keep this closed for a while...

be good kids. mark will be out for a while.

My bro really comes through when I need a place to escape my pressures of life. Though the food and liquor was nice...the relief is only temporary. It didn't give me what I needed.

Answers.

There's so much I want to say. But, like I mentioned before my mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I assume too much. I worry too much. I think too much.

One side of me wants to just walk away...while the other side of me is telling me to stay and see what happens.

You know, I'm tired of being confused about things. I'm done second guessing. There are so many things that I want to know...but AGAIN...it's only time that will give me solice. I keep thinking I'm wasting my time. I tell myself that everything will be okay...but personally, I don't think everything will turn out so peachy. I shouldn't be reassuring myself. I should already know what I need and want. I shouldn't be crying over things I don't know about.

Now here's the kink in my armor...since I'm just basically lost and don't know...then the results vary from good to bad. Gambling...it's not always a fin thing to do.

So many people are pissing me off...unfortunately, they don't know it. A few are hurting me deeply...and they don't know either.

FUCK. I hate mixed signals. I hate unwarranted and unconstructive critcism. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate it when information is scarce or vague...

With the way things are going, I'm ready to walk away and no one can stop me. It's about time I started taking steps...

There's a fork in the path...which way should I go?

From my buddy Jason...

Passion--it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open its jaws, and it howls. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we`d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we`d be truly dead.

Oh shut up, Mark.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. If I'm stuck in a whirlwind, I have to wait it out. The fact is, I'm in one and there's nothing I can do but brave it out, right? Attack one thing at a time and soon things will fall into place.

Patience is a virtue. Unfortunately, I'm running out, but yeah...gotta roll with the punches.

I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. It's gonna suck having to carry my sketch pad all the way across campus. *sigh*

I've been ever so good this year.

I WANT THE NEW JANET CD (3/30/04).

Will someone buy it for me? LOL jk. *sigh* I want it!

Mom's still riding me. UGH. If I was more informed about the DSL service then maybe I could have done more to think things through. DAMN.

Why do people seem to know better than me?! I want everyone to shut up and listen. Let me talk for once. Let me do what I want to do and say what I want to say.

No mom. I think the pictures look great. I know what I'm doing with them and what to look for. Stop bugging me to do free projects for you. You swear I have nothing better to do.

Dad I'm not a little kid. Stop talking to me in such a condecending way. I'm not stupid enough to let a digital camera fall off the counter...especially if the camera is yours.

Right now, I feel very inadequate about myself and a lot of things. I'm sure if I'm in a rational mindstate, things aren't as bad as it all appears...but right now, I'm not completely happy with life.

First off, school is worrying me since I only have one fucking class. I don't know what that will do to me in the future. I'm really scared about it. Damn, budget cuts just might get me kicked out of the university. I hate school. ergh.

Next, I'm beginning to think that I'm fucking crazy. I'm still so crazy about him, but everything I seem to do makes me look like some dumbfuck that a few of us know and loathe. I know I'd be selfish and expecting too much...things are on good terms, but my gut instinct is suggesting otherwise. I know what I want. Am I getting anywhere? Is there a future with me and him? *sigh* Pray...that's all I can do. Time can only tell me what I want to know and I'm still scared of the worst case scenario. Whatever. As scared as I am...I'm gonna just go with the flow, pray, and just keep my eyes on the prize.

I'm SO done with the side impromptu projects that have been kicking my ass. I don't mind doing things for people, but it's time for me to do shit for myself for a change.

LOVE ME and LEAVE ME ALONE.

Can't sleep...dreams will eat me.

I'm in the dark and I can't feel the switch... I hope I'm not that out of it.

Justin advised me to pray. I think I should pray a little harder. I owe it to God.

I hope the rain washes my troubles away.

I had a pretty productive day. I did a photo shoot with Lei and my sister. The pictures turned out really good.

In other news, I guess most of the day I've been in a bad mood. So many things have been bugging me lately, and it doesn't help that people are pestering me for various reasons. To exacerbate the problem, I have no idea who left that nasty ass voicemail. It just pisses me off that someone (that probably knows me) would do that to me. Fuck. So many things have been bugging the crap out of me.

*sigh*

Life is just...for lack of a better term, weird.

Can't someone make sense of things for me? I'm tired of trying.

Justin and Jad are really awesome. I'm so glad I got to spend time with them today. I let them babysit my son, Stitch for a week. haha.

I'm going to ghetto shop with my bro & Lei tomorrow morning.

I also got a disturbing voicemail on my old phone. What the fuck was that supposed to be about? Ugh...stupid.

Today will be a good day. I can feel it.

It's time for breakfast. I have a lot to do today. =)

It's sad when someone close to you has a dream that takes them so far away from you I mean, far be it from me to stop them...and it would be really selfish of me to want them to stay behind for my own. Rather than impeding their hopes, I want to be the one who makes their dreams stand...*sigh* It's okay though. My dreams sent me far away too...and that's where they should take you...to a place unknown where you can discover yourself.

On the other side of the spectrum...

I could never really understand the drive people have just to torment other people. It sickens me that people have to stoop to such low levels to get what they want. There's really only one explanation for it. They are simply too ignorant to find a means to acheive it. Sadly, there are people I know who cannot leave well enough alone. Idle threats and petty insults can only go so far. Get a life. If you cannot focus on your own life and you have to interfere in someone else's, it only proves that your life is just unfulilling. I feel sorry for people who talk shit and walk around like their farts don't smell. You can't push people around and expect them NOT to push back.

Bitch. Wipe that smirk off your face or someone will smack it off for you.

FUCK. People these days...I swear.

I warned you that the last part was totally polar opposite...

I think it's time to get a job. I'm tired of having nothing to show for myself. I'm tired of begging. I'm tired of people fucking feeling sorry for me since I'm so broke. I'm especially tired of having to compete with a 12 year old for the computer. I seriously need my own laptop. I need to be able to work on things without having one person or the whole house breathing down my neck. Fuck. I have shit to do too. I'm not just chatting with people on line. I'm doing work and finally doing my OWN shit for a change instead of pleasing other people. Don't get me wrong I don't have a problem doing things for other people...but quite frankly, If I got paid for EVERYTHING that I've done, I wouldn't be griping about cash. "You're a starving student for a reason...you suck." I disagree. It's just I'm doing too many favors. For those I did things for or in the process: You're lucky. because you will be the last "clients" I'm going to accept for a while.

There are so many things that I want. There are so many things that I need. This semester is really just getting on my nerves. I was on the waiting list for 4 different class and only managed to land ONE. I'm not happy about that at all.

I'm on edge right now. I finally got the new layout up and running and let me enjoy it dammit. I'm just irritated in general.

I want to leave. I want to feel comfortable. I want stop stressing over so many things. It's literally fucking up my body.

blah. just BLAH.

Well, the new layout is up. Now that it's done I can do Kris'. hahaha.

There's something wrong with my tagboard...and i still have to add my comments.

I'm being lazy.

I've been making quite a few new friends lately. Namely, JT. I regret that I never got the chance to get to know him while I was working on the debut...but now we talk a lot. He even got me something for Valentine's just because. He's so sweet. haha. No it's not like that... He has a boyfriend. I totally consider him my little bro and I'll try my hardest to be there for him.

Recently, I had a good converation with him. I guess there are some things I never considered. There's so much I need to remember when it comes to relationships. He issued me a reality check and I cashed it in the same night. I felt so much better about everything. Finally everything made sense. Basically, life is meant to be enjoyed...have a sense of humor about things. I guess it's possible to be too serious and too nice. heh.

Thanks for the good times JT. I seriously owe you one.

Every night I pray and ask for the answers I seek...I think I found em through JT. (It's funny how you find when you're not looking...)

So Aaron bugged me to join downelink...

In less than 30 minutes, my page has been viewed about 25 times and I got at least 11 friend requests from guys I don't even know.

What have I gotten myself into? hahaha.

Justin...YOU'RE A FUCKING GENIUS! I LOVE YOU! AHHHHHHHH!

Why do I do things in such an excessive way? haha. Charles tells me I worry too much. Jason and Justin tell me I think too much. I say I eat too much. My mom thinks I gamble too much.

Why do I worry?
I only worry when I'm feeling lost or unsure about things. There are so many things still left unsaid and unanswered. I worry if things will work or not. I'm looking for answers but if I take too long, I feel the opportunity may fade away.

Well, his mom seems to like me. His sister seems to like me. The question is, does he still like me? I'm sure that's a ludacris question to ask myself. There are a few things I need to know, but time will only tell me that. Slowly but surely, things will even out. Life is just such a maelstrom of obligations right now. For some reason, I STILL second guess myself...

Why do I think so hard?
I told you that I think about everything...unfortunately, sometimes I end up becoming fixated on the worst case scenario. I dream little dreams with big hopes inside. Since I analyze the situation, at times, I get a little carried away with the notion. Honestly, I put the "anal" in analyze.

There are things that he does and doesn't do. That's what makes me think. A part of me says insecurity is taking over. Another part is telling me that it's not at face value. I need to consider the reasoning and situation BEFORE I come to a conclusion about him and/or me. Sometimes I have trouble remembering that circumstances and motives really effect one's actions, thoughts, behavior, and even emotion.

The other problems kind of speak for themselves. I have lots to work on when it comes to myself. There's a lot of room for improvement, and I want no margin for error. I want to be driven to improve myself and work on what it is that has been holding be back.

I think it's time to step it up a notch three or four notches...

There are just some dreams that seem too real. Last night was a true representation of my thoughts. The good, bad, wishful, and fearful... I wish I could elaborate without possibly embarassing myself or making myself look stupid. heh..

Happy Valentine's Charlie. Thanks for dinner.

I had an interestintg day at school yesterday.

This was the first time I just said I was gay to a whole classroom filled with people. In Poli Sci class, there was a discussion about gay marriages. Most of the time I just sat and listened to what they had to say. I'd guess that about 95% of the class were okay with the whole gay marriage thing. Basically, after all the straight people gave their two cents, I decided to voice my opinion coming from an actual gay point of view. Yes. I did declare that I was gay and that I am a devout Catholic. No one dared to follow my argument. No one could question my statistics. I argued the raising children issue and the "nature versus nurture" theory.

You can imagine that I was feeling very empowered and validated by voicing a real GAY opinion. I had no shame telling 130 strangers that I'm gay.

Nothing to hide. Nothing to complain about.

I had this very long entry about Charles... To save myself the trouble, I deleted it. My big mouth has gotten me into jams before. So I think I'll just shut up and see where this path takes me. Despite all the questions in my head, insecurities in my heart, and all the bitch crying...I'm just gonna keep the pace and see where it leads. Why should I piss and moan about it if I haven't had the chance to see the big picture?

Blah, I've never felt this way.

See kids, this is what happens when Mark sits alone and undisturbed too long...he thinks himself into a hole that's completely unecessary...

I hope he's the one who breaks my curse. bah.

as of tomorrow night... my new phone!

*giddy*

it's so pretty. *pets phone* pretty phone.

Poker unites people everywhere.

I was killing time on campus and I was on pokerroom.com. Some girl comes up to me asking about it and if she needed a credit card. I politely said no and that she can play with play money. It turns out she's into Texas Hold 'em and Omaha...so she signed up the same day.

I love poker. Unfortunately, I don't like girls...haha.

One day, the whole world looks like an open page
and you've been dancing as fast as you can with a smile on your face
and then the earth and the sky they all fit together
and carry me away as light as a feather
chase the clouds from the ground
in the big blue sky dont wanna watch it all blow by

so im gonna fly
higher then i ever could
feel the wind blow through my hair
feel the sun dance with the moon
and my feet cant stay on the ground any longer
with every leap of faith I feel a little stronger
wanna swing from a star in the big blue sky
dont wanna watch it all go by so im gonna fly

and see for myself what it looks like from up there
taste the stardust in my mouth chase the clouds until they disappear

and if i could make just one life better
bring a smile to your face when your under the weather
then i'm feeling like i've finnaly found my home
i'll plant the seeds and watch them grow
so im gonna fly... fly... fly.. fly...
higher than ever ever could
im gonna fly
im gonna fly
higher than i ever
ever could

I'm not sure why but I seem to be so easily irritated. I've been like that all day. Everyone in the house is annoying me more than usual.

Boo on everyone. blah.

In other news, my Valentine's Day gift is done. I hope he likes it. heh.

Twinlympics 2004:
Gir Drop @ Las Vegas - Mark (2 - 0) (19-15 & 32-30)
Cardboard Fencing @ Eagle Rock - Mark
16-bit Super Mario Kart Battle mode @ Eagle Rock - Mark (15-13)
No Limit Head's Up Texas Hold 'em Poker @ Torrance - Simon
Target dealing @ Eagle Rock - Mark (20 cards)
Distance dealing @ Eagle Rock - Simon (40 feet & 3 inches)

Here are the standings as of tonight:
Mark: 4 events
Simon: 2 events

Let me tell you...I had such a great day yesterday. Everything was just so random and it was the best day I've had in a while.

I didn't have any classes or any plans yesterday, so I decided to head over to Oxnard to surprise Charlie. I got there in time for his first class. (Yes folks, you heard it here...Mark woke in sometime in the AM.) I called him the moment I got there hoping he wasn't still sick. Unfortunately, he wasn't planning on going to his first class...but he was still going to attend his speech class. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I noticed that I had forgot my binder in the car so I went back in to fetch it. I guess the keys fell out of my jacket pocket and I locked the keys in my car. SMART. I called AAA and they were there in a jiffy...but it took 2 trucks to get my car open. hahaha. Eventually, I picked him up from his house and took him and (my new buddy) Jill to class. While they were in class, I decided to storyboard a concept for Keith's upcoming project. After speech class Jill still had one more class to go so Charles and I decided to wait for her so we could all have lunch together. It was nice to just talk for a while. I knew I wasn't able to see him for about another week so I just wanted to soak in all the Charles I could. It turns out that Charles had an In and Out craving too so we just all headed over there. Afterwards, Jill wanted to go to the Mall near UCSB, so we had some fun there. I ended up buying those long ass chains like Mr. Timberlake. hee hee. Jill scored some Jewelry and Charles gave in and bought a green shirt from hot topic. After more strolling around, we decided to roam around Channel Islands and Oxnard beach. All I can say is that the view was breathtaking. I didn't want to leave at all...

It was nice to just spend time with Charles and Jill. Everything was totally random...from the decision to surprising him...to locking the keys in my car...to strolling the beach and taking pictures...nothing could have brought me down that day...not even the 200 miles and 2 hours I drove home.

To top it all off, Si, Lei and I went to BJ's to booze it up a little bit.

Good times. Real good times.

I'm so restless. bah. I miss the guy.

I guess I've been neglecting this blog for a while. I haven't been able to just sit down, marinate and express my thoughts...

I went out with some old friends for lunch today and it really made my day. I guess today was one of those super random kind of days where I was just at the right place at the right time. heh. Janet and Dar... I love you guys. I've missed you so.

In other news, I guess I'm kinda scared of what I have gotten myself into. After talking to a few friends I started to think. I really don't want to drive him away. I seem to be a good target for rejection, so I suppose I'm pretty jaded about a lot of things. I was told that there's such a thing as being too nice. So nice that it might drive him away. Is that true? I know I'm a nice guy but so nice that no one would want to have anything to do with me? The other times where I was really sweet to the guy it ended things on the spot. Both with the ex and pursuing a guy. "Just don't do anything big..." The last time I heard that phrase, a relationship ended...Charles just said that to me the other night and I couldn't help but revert to that last time I heard it. But again, I'm really good at thinking too much, especially when it comes to him.

I'm thinking about it again. I don't know what to expect now that I have this seed of insecurity in my head. I have no intention of driving him away. I don't get it. It's either I'm being too nice...or not nice enough. It's like I'm so nice that I'm a stalker or I'm so calloused that I'm an asshole. I don't get it. What does everyone want from me? Why can't I just do things because it's a nice thing to do?

Another thing...there's a point that has been brought to my attention. Supposedly, I have to time things correctly or things will not work. It's either I'm moving everything too fast...or that I might not be moving fast enough and the "boring factor" may come into play.

I never wanted things to be this complex. I really like the guy. That's all I know and that's what I'm acting on. If I fuck up...I fuck up. I'm pro at it so why not just take it like a man? Shouldn't I be used to getting shot down? I mean I was already shocked that Charles had shown interest in me to begin with. After all, it's always a swing and a miss for me...but I'm always swinging for the fences.

It's full count and the bases are loaded...one last pitch for Mark. Is he gonna strike out like all the other times or is he gonna take his base?

Either way, I'm gonna swing for that damn fence and hope for the best.

And the pitch...

okay...so i lied. im actually working on something else. sorry...the delay continues. heh.

Hmmm I'm going to change this layout today!

So far I have had quite a good weekend. Aimee's debut was a big success. One of the perks of being one of the co-coordinators was I got to bring Charlie as my date. I'm glad he had fun even though I was emceeing most of the night. Yesterday was another Charlie/Markie day. I took him out to Islands (yes, that's right...I went back there.) since he's never eaten there before. Unfortunately we were strapped for time since I was supposed to be in Woodland Hills for an awards ceremony. It turns out that I was honored to receive an award for my service in the young adult ministries. It was kind of sudden, yet I was pretty flattered to receive this award along with the many other honorees. I'm so glad that my brother, Lei and Scott came. Once again Charles was dragged to go with me, but I'm glad that he was there too. heh heh. After the ceremony we had all gone out to eat. It was then I was sure that the family really liked him. I mean, they talked to him a lot over the past few days. heh. That's a good sign right? hahaha.

Well, now that I have nothing but school to worry about at this point, I can say that I am on official vacation for about 12 more hours.

One more thing...Oreos are so popular. You can't go anywhere without at least one person knowing what an oreo is. Right Charles? haha.