HAPPY BIRTHDAY "COUSIN" KRIS!

This is the last day of the year...let's look back on 2003's highlights. They are in NO particular order...just each one is poppin in my head.

1. became an uncle and ninong
2. quit islands
3. visited Hawaii for the first time
4. lost a best friend
5. found a boyfriend who later became a close friend instead
6. made some mistakes with boys
7. finished paying off my civic
8. turned 21
9. learned Texas Hold 'em
10. came out to my parents and then the rest of the world
11. lost a king in my life
12. realized that I need to work harder in college
13. made many new friends in Joanna's debut
14. choreographed my first routine and it won first place
15. VEGAS VEGAS VEGAS
16. went to prom for the 6th time
17. tv tapings up the wazoo
18. went to the AMA's
19. made many new friends
20. found my purpose in life
and the list goes on and on...

Despite the somewhat sad ending, I think 2003 was the best year I've lived so far. I realized how blessed I am. I have friends and family who truly love me for who I am. I found love for the first time and experienced heartbreak for the first time. I never thought that life would improve this much after stepping out of that closet. I never thought that I would still be loved and accepted. I never thought that I would leave Islands. I finally started to spend more time with my brother and sisters. I finally got the time to be with my nephew.

I am eternally grateful for this past year. I did a lot of growing...and with it came growing pains. I feel that I am much more mature now than I ever was. I feel that I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Thank you to everyone who has changed my life. Thank you to everyone who never left my side. Thank you for the life lessons, reality checks, and words of wisdom and comfort. Thank you to everyone...I wouldn't be the person I am now.

I apologize to those I hurt. I'm sorry for all the times I've been selfish and jaded. I'm sorry for not living up to my expectation. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for not being the best person I can be.

Goodbye 2003. You treated me well.

I had a great time this weekend. I won again in Vegas and got myself a few nice things.

I think I need to go to Vegas more often. No... I don't have a gambling problem. I just feel like the rest of the world is running after me for a change. Instead of the other way around. I don't worry about anything or anyone. I don't feel obligated to do anything. I don't have deadlines to meet or people to impress. I forget that I'm single. I forget that I have so much work to do. I forget that I'm a broke ass loser. I actually HAVE privacy. My brother totally made me laugh this weekend. I can't remember the last time I just laughed at something stupid. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I won by a U.H.S. and a bonus. If you don't get it...don't ask. hahaha.

The moment I got home, my heart started to weigh down. Before I unloaded my shit from the car I was already getting irritated with the people at home. Even the computer was giving me a hard time.

I guess a few things in Vegas sparked a few memories. I've been missing him a lot lately. I even found my ring that I thought I lost...

I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know anything. I'm just going.

I miss the old me. Where did he go?

I'm home again. Reality...meh.

I think I just realized something during mass tonight. It wasn't the music. It wasn't the people. It wasn't even the homily. It was something that Lei said that got me thinking. It's Scott's first Christmas. Shouldn't I, of all people, bring that magic to him? Shouldn't I egg on his curiousity towards Christmas? Just because I've been pretty jaded this time around doesn't mean I should take away from someone else...let alone my nephew. When Simon passed him to me during mass. All I did was smile and hold him tight. It actually felt like Christmas to me.

In other news, Lei got me playing Roulette last weekend. I ended up winning over $100. hahaha. Vegas rocks. I'm leaving again tomorrow.

Jason, you were right. I should appreciate what I do have... After all, things could be much worse.

I hope you all have a great Christmas...

I LOVE KOHLS! hahaha.

I neglected to mention that I went to all these tapings as of late. The other day we went to a Will & Grace taping. I was kinda having a bad day that day and so I decided to make an ass out of myself. There was a contest and let's just say all the cute white boy had to do was take off his shirt to win the contest. I was so embarassed. But hey...I got an autographed cast photo for my troubles.

Today a big group of us went to see the Wayne Brady show...TWICE. I had a good time...but the second show wasn't so good for me. These two ghetto ass people were sitting next to me. YUCK. She smelled like weed too. *shudders*

I think the vacation has been good for my well being. I wanted to just forget about everything and reassess my life. I'm slowly beginning to realize the importance (or even lack thereof) of some of the people in my life.

My brother continues to be a big support in my life. He knows what to do and say to get me back on track. I'm one lucky twin. He even moved his schedule just so I can go to Vegas with them this weekend. I can't wait. We're going shopping with an intent to gamble.

Life isn't really perfect...but that doesn't mean that it's not worth living.

My 5th favorite story of 2003...
a 5 minute marriage
4 Celebrity candidates
3 cradlerobbers
2 girls a' kissing
and a dictator hiding in a hole...

I hung out with Jason and Justin tonight. It was fun...we just vegged out and watched TV. I need more downe friends to do stuff with. I don't feel so alienated as I do with my straight crowd. I really need to get out more...downe-wise. haha.

Even though I'm really not in the Christmas mood...I'm content with life. More and more he just proves to me that we are still really close friends. Sure, I still miss him, but I'm okay with that. He's in my life. He still cares...the "ex factor" isn't so bad anymore.

Friends.

Hmph...it's way better than bitter enemies.

good night.

This is time of year is a joyous time for most, but also a burden and a sad time to others.

This year I feel like I fell into the second column. Everyone keeps telling me to get into the spirit of things. I guess I just don't really care this time. For the first time in my life, I'm not into it. I'm not blaming him for ruining it for me. It was just the timing. Everywhere everyone is making such a big deal over the holidays and I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself and what happened almost 2 weeks ago. The magic and my spirit died this year. Don't tell me not to say such things. I didn't catch the holiday fever this year.

My life isn't like those on TV. There's not gonna be a Christmas miracle to turn me around. There's only one thing I want for Christmas and I know I'm not gonna get it.

Wishful thinking can only go so far and keep me sane for so long.

In other news, this whole day has been full of morons and annoyances. I think it's "Turn from the wrong lane and drive like iditiots" day. It must be a state holiday.

Won't everyone just shut the fuck up and let me have a turn?! ugh.

Just gimme the lump of coal already. bah.

FINALS ARE OVER! I'M ON VACATION FOR 2 MONTHS! BOO YAH!

I'm going back to campus on Monday for some advisement. Who wants to come with me? =)

He called me a little while ago while I was studying. I wasn't sure why but I didn't mind talking to him. He called me just to tell me about something funny that happened. That's a normal thing for him to do even before we got together.

It made me realize that he wasn't "just saying it." We really are friends and that he considers me a big part of his life even though it's in a different way. I really appreciate it. I'm very grateful that we ended our relationship on a good note and remained as good friends. That's how it all started, so why shouldn't it end that way?

I prayed for an end to my angst and God answered. I'll still wait around for him, but I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. My brother was right. I didn't lose anyone...things just changed a little.

Sure, I miss him. but I'm just happy to know that we can still be close. I mean I'm not over him...but im a lot happier feeling validated. i wanted him to somehow prove that we'd still be friends.

The more I try not to think about it, the more the world reminds me. If I'm out with people, I end up being so withdrawn because everything reminds me of him. I end up feeling stupid, because I know the chances of getting him back aren't too promising. Even in my sleep, I can't escape. He's in my dreams. I'm so bothered by the dreams because it doesn't help me much.

I went to church last night to seek comfort and I guess I found it. I had to try so hard not to cry during mass. Most of the time I just stared at the floor or the music in front of me. Believe me, it's not easy to sing a hymn while you're all choked up. I was serving at choir this week and I didn't want to completely break down and cause a scene. My heart was so heavy with questions last night. I wanted God to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to know so many things. I keep telling myself that God separated us for a reason.

I've been a wreckless mess since last Thursday. I've done so many bad things to fill the void inside. shopping, boozing, gambling...The only way I'll eat is if my body can't take any more hunger. The only way I can sleep is when my body finally breaks down into a stringy mess at 4 am.

I have ceased to care about pretty much everything. Christmas spirit? None. I'm not saying that he took it away from me. It's just that I stopped believing. I don't feel that I have much to get excited about. I was so excited to have a first Christmas with a boyfriend. Who was I kidding? There's really only one thing I want for Christmas...and I doubt I'm getting it.

After last night I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings. She and I are pretty much in the same boat. Thanks for the talk buddy. I miss you and I guess we can mope over lunch....heh.

"No other guy has treated me like you did." It was sweet of him to say that, but I've heard that a few times too much from other guys already. I don't know if it's even ringing true to me anymore. If I was like no other, then why am I feeling like I'm not good enough? Why do I feel stupid for failing? Why do I keep telling myself it was my fault? Why can't the nice guy catch a break FOR ONCE? Why do I feel like such a deadbeat of a boyfriend? Why doesn't being myself work? I know he talked to his other friends about me. I feel like such an ass. I feel like that these people think that I'm such an idiot.

I know I have a lot to live for. I'm not that dellusional. But right now I really don't have much to believe in. My world came crumbling down and now I have to pick up the pieces and carry the weight of the rest of the world on my already weakened shoulders.

This is the second time that things ended the day after I wrote a poem. I never get the chance to give it to them. I rarely write poetry, but I think I should just stop. heh.

Whoever said love hurts, knew what the fuck they were talking about.

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	You die in sweet bliss while having sex with your lover or partner. Seems they were so good your heart couldn't stand it and stopped. Talk about a heart breaker, but at least everyone sees you inyour casket with a smile of your face.
Death Date:	October 26, 2034
Number attending your funeral?	141
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$4,323,886
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

I WISH.

After watching Hope Floats I realized something.

"I saw that! That smile means there's hope for you."
"Crying over it isn't going to make it clean. Life goes on and you have to move along with it."

I can't just hide out feeling sorry for myself. I can't expect things to wash away with tears...only sweat can do that.

I'm not saying I'm over him. I'm definately not...but I realized that "being a mope" won't solve anything. If I'm drowning, I should hold on to hope...after all, it floats, right?

In other news I'm leaving with my bro to go out and gamble my woes away. I know I've been a sack of bad habits since my BF and I broke up. What you expect? I'm empty inside. I've tried to fill the void with shopping, booze & food. Now let's try some compulsive gambling.

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but its what's in the middle that counts. Just give hope a chance to float up. It will too.

Last night was Lionel's birthday and a bunch of us hit up OIWAKE in Little Tokyo. I was picked up so I could drink with them.

Being emotionally charged, I wanted to forget my woes and drink to numb my feelings for him. After 2 sake bombs, 1 sake shot, a french connection, and blow job...I WAS GONE. I can't remember everything...but I remember having a wild and crazy, good time. I do remember dancing on the dance floor and standing on the chairs and tables with Cheryl and Ann.

Now that I'm sober with a sore throat, and a little sore, I'm back to reality. Everything reminds me of him. All fucking love songs relate to me all of a sudden. I notice people holding hands and in love. Even at IHOP there were 2 downe guys together having a good time. YUCK! Why must the world torment me?

I miss him so much. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't even study for my finals. Christmas doesn't mean so much to me anymore. My holiday spirit is officially dead. I'm not blaming him for that. It's my fault.

I would do anything to get him back...but I would just be fooling myself.

He was the one who helped me pick up the pieces...and the same one who broke my heart into even more shards. I think I'm just gonna pick them up alone...again. I'm not looking for anyone else...not now. I need a lot of time to rebuild and to recharge. My heart can only take so much.

Christmas? Bah Humbug.

I can't remember the last time I got that shit faced.

good night.

more details when i wake up MUCH later.

Tonight I'm off with the poker heads to celebrate Lionel's birthday to sing and drown my sorrows away...temporarily, at least.

Alcohol is the solution and cause of problems.

I'm not much of a drinker...but tonight the poker heads want me to have a good time.

I'll try.

You never really wake up expecting the worst day of your life. It happened to me.

I was excited to pick up the boyfriend today as I haven't seen him for almost a month. I know the two of us have been trying to clear our respective plates. I even skipped my last class just to see him sooner.

I wasn't sure what it was but there was something about the day that seemed off. I guess I saw it all coming...

Something was just lacking between us too. Where were the sparks? Why is the conversation at a cold stagnant place? I wasn't stupid.

I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I don't have a boyfriend anymore and it's killing me. We're friends though. No awkwardness...no bitterness. I miss him. I miss everything about him. You will always have a place in my heart. You are one of my best friends.

I'm going to lay low for a while. I'm single and NOT gonna mingle. I'm going to reassess my life.

He simply walked away, but he didn't leave me cold. I watched him inch away from my hand and hoped that he would look back...but he didn't. That was the last time I held his hand and said "I love you."

He packed up my present and his bag, "I think I'm forgetting something." "Me." I feebly replied.

::::::::::::::

The beautiful lights the star filled nights
They don’t mean a thing
Cause you were my star and so it don’t seem right
Without you here with me
Now I can try to act real strong
But you and I both know its hard for me to say
You were my soul…

I love you Gail. Have fun in NYC.

...always a good conversation with her.

Today was a random day. heh.

Don't you hate it when you're not home and you gotta take the nastiest dump ever?

Well, okay...I got to campus at a fair time and figured I still had time to hit up the crapper. Five minutes haven't even passed yet and I run into Elvira. This is a big deal considering I hardly see her and so we took our sweet time to catch up. So we sat and talked for about an hour and she and I ended up skipping our 11:00 classes. By noon, the munchies hit us and she offered some lunch. I was expecting something cheap...after all she was treating and I didn't want to dent her wallet. When we got to the car she wanted to go to Claim Jumpers. After I disagreed for 10 minutes, we got to the restaurant. "Okay I'll just order something cheap." I thought. So I went for the lunch special...a half panini with soup. "Dude, Mark...get the whole one." She asked me if I wanted an appetizer. "It's totally up to you." After skimming through the menu, we decided on some Calamari. I wanted a water...but she ordered a daquiri. "Mark, I'm not drinking alone!" she said as she handed me the alcohol list. I ordered an Ocean Wave. (which was one good drink!) I felt so bad that I was costing her all this money...I mean, it's fuggin Claim Jumpers for God's sake!

THANKS FOR LUNCH AND DESSERT ELVIRA! I MISS YOU HOMIE!

Keep in mind I haven't taken my dump yet...

I guess I ended up forgetting about it for while...until I got to my 2:00 design class. I wanted that class to end right away...and it did. I ran to the car and hauled back home to take care of business.

It's funny how things just happened today. I've never gone to class after a drinky. haha. I was spinning in my chair and smiling during the project crit.

I love college.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOOGER!

I LOVE YOU!

boyfriend: but dont do anything k... just my birthday

beb, you have no idea.

i love you.