HAPPY BIRTHDAY "COUSIN" KRIS!

This is the last day of the year...let's look back on 2003's highlights. They are in NO particular order...just each one is poppin in my head.

1. became an uncle and ninong
2. quit islands
3. visited Hawaii for the first time
4. lost a best friend
5. found a boyfriend who later became a close friend instead
6. made some mistakes with boys
7. finished paying off my civic
8. turned 21
9. learned Texas Hold 'em
10. came out to my parents and then the rest of the world
11. lost a king in my life
12. realized that I need to work harder in college
13. made many new friends in Joanna's debut
14. choreographed my first routine and it won first place
15. VEGAS VEGAS VEGAS
16. went to prom for the 6th time
17. tv tapings up the wazoo
18. went to the AMA's
19. made many new friends
20. found my purpose in life
and the list goes on and on...

Despite the somewhat sad ending, I think 2003 was the best year I've lived so far. I realized how blessed I am. I have friends and family who truly love me for who I am. I found love for the first time and experienced heartbreak for the first time. I never thought that life would improve this much after stepping out of that closet. I never thought that I would still be loved and accepted. I never thought that I would leave Islands. I finally started to spend more time with my brother and sisters. I finally got the time to be with my nephew.

I am eternally grateful for this past year. I did a lot of growing...and with it came growing pains. I feel that I am much more mature now than I ever was. I feel that I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Thank you to everyone who has changed my life. Thank you to everyone who never left my side. Thank you for the life lessons, reality checks, and words of wisdom and comfort. Thank you to everyone...I wouldn't be the person I am now.

I apologize to those I hurt. I'm sorry for all the times I've been selfish and jaded. I'm sorry for not living up to my expectation. I'm sorry for not being there. I'm sorry for not being the best person I can be.

Goodbye 2003. You treated me well.

I had a great time this weekend. I won again in Vegas and got myself a few nice things.

I think I need to go to Vegas more often. No... I don't have a gambling problem. I just feel like the rest of the world is running after me for a change. Instead of the other way around. I don't worry about anything or anyone. I don't feel obligated to do anything. I don't have deadlines to meet or people to impress. I forget that I'm single. I forget that I have so much work to do. I forget that I'm a broke ass loser. I actually HAVE privacy. My brother totally made me laugh this weekend. I can't remember the last time I just laughed at something stupid. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I won by a U.H.S. and a bonus. If you don't get it...don't ask. hahaha.

The moment I got home, my heart started to weigh down. Before I unloaded my shit from the car I was already getting irritated with the people at home. Even the computer was giving me a hard time.

I guess a few things in Vegas sparked a few memories. I've been missing him a lot lately. I even found my ring that I thought I lost...

I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know anything. I'm just going.

I miss the old me. Where did he go?

I'm home again. Reality...meh.

I think I just realized something during mass tonight. It wasn't the music. It wasn't the people. It wasn't even the homily. It was something that Lei said that got me thinking. It's Scott's first Christmas. Shouldn't I, of all people, bring that magic to him? Shouldn't I egg on his curiousity towards Christmas? Just because I've been pretty jaded this time around doesn't mean I should take away from someone else...let alone my nephew. When Simon passed him to me during mass. All I did was smile and hold him tight. It actually felt like Christmas to me.

In other news, Lei got me playing Roulette last weekend. I ended up winning over $100. hahaha. Vegas rocks. I'm leaving again tomorrow.

Jason, you were right. I should appreciate what I do have... After all, things could be much worse.

I hope you all have a great Christmas...

I LOVE KOHLS! hahaha.

I neglected to mention that I went to all these tapings as of late. The other day we went to a Will & Grace taping. I was kinda having a bad day that day and so I decided to make an ass out of myself. There was a contest and let's just say all the cute white boy had to do was take off his shirt to win the contest. I was so embarassed. But hey...I got an autographed cast photo for my troubles.

Today a big group of us went to see the Wayne Brady show...TWICE. I had a good time...but the second show wasn't so good for me. These two ghetto ass people were sitting next to me. YUCK. She smelled like weed too. *shudders*

I think the vacation has been good for my well being. I wanted to just forget about everything and reassess my life. I'm slowly beginning to realize the importance (or even lack thereof) of some of the people in my life.

My brother continues to be a big support in my life. He knows what to do and say to get me back on track. I'm one lucky twin. He even moved his schedule just so I can go to Vegas with them this weekend. I can't wait. We're going shopping with an intent to gamble.

Life isn't really perfect...but that doesn't mean that it's not worth living.

My 5th favorite story of 2003...
a 5 minute marriage
4 Celebrity candidates
3 cradlerobbers
2 girls a' kissing
and a dictator hiding in a hole...

I hung out with Jason and Justin tonight. It was fun...we just vegged out and watched TV. I need more downe friends to do stuff with. I don't feel so alienated as I do with my straight crowd. I really need to get out more...downe-wise. haha.

Even though I'm really not in the Christmas mood...I'm content with life. More and more he just proves to me that we are still really close friends. Sure, I still miss him, but I'm okay with that. He's in my life. He still cares...the "ex factor" isn't so bad anymore.

Friends.

Hmph...it's way better than bitter enemies.

good night.

This is time of year is a joyous time for most, but also a burden and a sad time to others.

This year I feel like I fell into the second column. Everyone keeps telling me to get into the spirit of things. I guess I just don't really care this time. For the first time in my life, I'm not into it. I'm not blaming him for ruining it for me. It was just the timing. Everywhere everyone is making such a big deal over the holidays and I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself and what happened almost 2 weeks ago. The magic and my spirit died this year. Don't tell me not to say such things. I didn't catch the holiday fever this year.

My life isn't like those on TV. There's not gonna be a Christmas miracle to turn me around. There's only one thing I want for Christmas and I know I'm not gonna get it.

Wishful thinking can only go so far and keep me sane for so long.

In other news, this whole day has been full of morons and annoyances. I think it's "Turn from the wrong lane and drive like iditiots" day. It must be a state holiday.

Won't everyone just shut the fuck up and let me have a turn?! ugh.

Just gimme the lump of coal already. bah.

FINALS ARE OVER! I'M ON VACATION FOR 2 MONTHS! BOO YAH!

I'm going back to campus on Monday for some advisement. Who wants to come with me? =)

He called me a little while ago while I was studying. I wasn't sure why but I didn't mind talking to him. He called me just to tell me about something funny that happened. That's a normal thing for him to do even before we got together.

It made me realize that he wasn't "just saying it." We really are friends and that he considers me a big part of his life even though it's in a different way. I really appreciate it. I'm very grateful that we ended our relationship on a good note and remained as good friends. That's how it all started, so why shouldn't it end that way?

I prayed for an end to my angst and God answered. I'll still wait around for him, but I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. My brother was right. I didn't lose anyone...things just changed a little.

Sure, I miss him. but I'm just happy to know that we can still be close. I mean I'm not over him...but im a lot happier feeling validated. i wanted him to somehow prove that we'd still be friends.

The more I try not to think about it, the more the world reminds me. If I'm out with people, I end up being so withdrawn because everything reminds me of him. I end up feeling stupid, because I know the chances of getting him back aren't too promising. Even in my sleep, I can't escape. He's in my dreams. I'm so bothered by the dreams because it doesn't help me much.

I went to church last night to seek comfort and I guess I found it. I had to try so hard not to cry during mass. Most of the time I just stared at the floor or the music in front of me. Believe me, it's not easy to sing a hymn while you're all choked up. I was serving at choir this week and I didn't want to completely break down and cause a scene. My heart was so heavy with questions last night. I wanted God to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to know so many things. I keep telling myself that God separated us for a reason.

I've been a wreckless mess since last Thursday. I've done so many bad things to fill the void inside. shopping, boozing, gambling...The only way I'll eat is if my body can't take any more hunger. The only way I can sleep is when my body finally breaks down into a stringy mess at 4 am.

I have ceased to care about pretty much everything. Christmas spirit? None. I'm not saying that he took it away from me. It's just that I stopped believing. I don't feel that I have much to get excited about. I was so excited to have a first Christmas with a boyfriend. Who was I kidding? There's really only one thing I want for Christmas...and I doubt I'm getting it.

After last night I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings. She and I are pretty much in the same boat. Thanks for the talk buddy. I miss you and I guess we can mope over lunch....heh.

"No other guy has treated me like you did." It was sweet of him to say that, but I've heard that a few times too much from other guys already. I don't know if it's even ringing true to me anymore. If I was like no other, then why am I feeling like I'm not good enough? Why do I feel stupid for failing? Why do I keep telling myself it was my fault? Why can't the nice guy catch a break FOR ONCE? Why do I feel like such a deadbeat of a boyfriend? Why doesn't being myself work? I know he talked to his other friends about me. I feel like such an ass. I feel like that these people think that I'm such an idiot.

I know I have a lot to live for. I'm not that dellusional. But right now I really don't have much to believe in. My world came crumbling down and now I have to pick up the pieces and carry the weight of the rest of the world on my already weakened shoulders.

This is the second time that things ended the day after I wrote a poem. I never get the chance to give it to them. I rarely write poetry, but I think I should just stop. heh.

Whoever said love hurts, knew what the fuck they were talking about.

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	You die in sweet bliss while having sex with your lover or partner. Seems they were so good your heart couldn't stand it and stopped. Talk about a heart breaker, but at least everyone sees you inyour casket with a smile of your face.
Death Date:	October 26, 2034
Number attending your funeral?	141
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$4,323,886
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

I WISH.

After watching Hope Floats I realized something.

"I saw that! That smile means there's hope for you."
"Crying over it isn't going to make it clean. Life goes on and you have to move along with it."

I can't just hide out feeling sorry for myself. I can't expect things to wash away with tears...only sweat can do that.

I'm not saying I'm over him. I'm definately not...but I realized that "being a mope" won't solve anything. If I'm drowning, I should hold on to hope...after all, it floats, right?

In other news I'm leaving with my bro to go out and gamble my woes away. I know I've been a sack of bad habits since my BF and I broke up. What you expect? I'm empty inside. I've tried to fill the void with shopping, booze & food. Now let's try some compulsive gambling.

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but its what's in the middle that counts. Just give hope a chance to float up. It will too.

Last night was Lionel's birthday and a bunch of us hit up OIWAKE in Little Tokyo. I was picked up so I could drink with them.

Being emotionally charged, I wanted to forget my woes and drink to numb my feelings for him. After 2 sake bombs, 1 sake shot, a french connection, and blow job...I WAS GONE. I can't remember everything...but I remember having a wild and crazy, good time. I do remember dancing on the dance floor and standing on the chairs and tables with Cheryl and Ann.

Now that I'm sober with a sore throat, and a little sore, I'm back to reality. Everything reminds me of him. All fucking love songs relate to me all of a sudden. I notice people holding hands and in love. Even at IHOP there were 2 downe guys together having a good time. YUCK! Why must the world torment me?

I miss him so much. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't even study for my finals. Christmas doesn't mean so much to me anymore. My holiday spirit is officially dead. I'm not blaming him for that. It's my fault.

I would do anything to get him back...but I would just be fooling myself.

He was the one who helped me pick up the pieces...and the same one who broke my heart into even more shards. I think I'm just gonna pick them up alone...again. I'm not looking for anyone else...not now. I need a lot of time to rebuild and to recharge. My heart can only take so much.

Christmas? Bah Humbug.

I can't remember the last time I got that shit faced.

good night.

more details when i wake up MUCH later.

Tonight I'm off with the poker heads to celebrate Lionel's birthday to sing and drown my sorrows away...temporarily, at least.

Alcohol is the solution and cause of problems.

I'm not much of a drinker...but tonight the poker heads want me to have a good time.

I'll try.

You never really wake up expecting the worst day of your life. It happened to me.

I was excited to pick up the boyfriend today as I haven't seen him for almost a month. I know the two of us have been trying to clear our respective plates. I even skipped my last class just to see him sooner.

I wasn't sure what it was but there was something about the day that seemed off. I guess I saw it all coming...

Something was just lacking between us too. Where were the sparks? Why is the conversation at a cold stagnant place? I wasn't stupid.

I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I don't have a boyfriend anymore and it's killing me. We're friends though. No awkwardness...no bitterness. I miss him. I miss everything about him. You will always have a place in my heart. You are one of my best friends.

I'm going to lay low for a while. I'm single and NOT gonna mingle. I'm going to reassess my life.

He simply walked away, but he didn't leave me cold. I watched him inch away from my hand and hoped that he would look back...but he didn't. That was the last time I held his hand and said "I love you."

He packed up my present and his bag, "I think I'm forgetting something." "Me." I feebly replied.

::::::::::::::

The beautiful lights the star filled nights
They don’t mean a thing
Cause you were my star and so it don’t seem right
Without you here with me
Now I can try to act real strong
But you and I both know its hard for me to say
You were my soul…

I love you Gail. Have fun in NYC.

...always a good conversation with her.

Today was a random day. heh.

Don't you hate it when you're not home and you gotta take the nastiest dump ever?

Well, okay...I got to campus at a fair time and figured I still had time to hit up the crapper. Five minutes haven't even passed yet and I run into Elvira. This is a big deal considering I hardly see her and so we took our sweet time to catch up. So we sat and talked for about an hour and she and I ended up skipping our 11:00 classes. By noon, the munchies hit us and she offered some lunch. I was expecting something cheap...after all she was treating and I didn't want to dent her wallet. When we got to the car she wanted to go to Claim Jumpers. After I disagreed for 10 minutes, we got to the restaurant. "Okay I'll just order something cheap." I thought. So I went for the lunch special...a half panini with soup. "Dude, Mark...get the whole one." She asked me if I wanted an appetizer. "It's totally up to you." After skimming through the menu, we decided on some Calamari. I wanted a water...but she ordered a daquiri. "Mark, I'm not drinking alone!" she said as she handed me the alcohol list. I ordered an Ocean Wave. (which was one good drink!) I felt so bad that I was costing her all this money...I mean, it's fuggin Claim Jumpers for God's sake!

THANKS FOR LUNCH AND DESSERT ELVIRA! I MISS YOU HOMIE!

Keep in mind I haven't taken my dump yet...

I guess I ended up forgetting about it for while...until I got to my 2:00 design class. I wanted that class to end right away...and it did. I ran to the car and hauled back home to take care of business.

It's funny how things just happened today. I've never gone to class after a drinky. haha. I was spinning in my chair and smiling during the project crit.

I love college.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOOGER!

I LOVE YOU!

boyfriend: but dont do anything k... just my birthday

beb, you have no idea.

i love you.

First off, Happy 1st Anniversary to Simon and Lei! I can't believe it's been a year already! Where does the time go?

Anyway, let's get you up to speed here.

The other day, I just wasn't feeling life and I decided to spend the night at Lei and Sim's place. (There's a reason for that but let's not knitpick right now.) In my bout of unhappiness, we play poker at the house, just for me to get reamed by momma-in-law. haha. Obviously, losing didn't get my motor running, so Sim thought it would be fun to try out Crystal Park Casino. Once we finally decided where to park, we strolled in expecting a large noisy hall...boy was that place a roaring...DISSAPOINTMENT. After strolling the main room for about 5 minutes, we realize the main room is the ONLY room. (At this point we had realized how much CA's casinos suck relative to Vegas) We knew that the closer to Diego, the better the casino. Anyway, we bolted back to the car and then started to search for the Hustler Casino, but my brother totally forgot where it was. So we did the next best thing: guess the location. We drove around for quite a while with no hope in sight. Simon was making a left at a light and I saw a bright red flashing light on the other side. "HOLY SHIT! BLINKY LIGHTS! GO! GO! GO!" I yelled. My bro immediately made a u-turn and we headed toward the inviting red blinky light. The closer we got the more curious we became...but it also was less evident that it was going to be our intended destination. Eventually we realized it was actually another casino...not the Hustler casino, but a casino nonetheless. We drive into the parking lot and peek inside. Unfortunately, the place was so ghetto we didn't even want to get out of the car. We then head home hanging our heads in disspointment.

My brother gave me a good talk though. I think I needed to hear some of the things he said. I think I needed to just snap back to reality. It's times like these where I feel like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.

Okay, I'm off to Solvang...

To my beb...I hope you checked your campus email. I want you to know what's going on. I love you.

What if I vanished? What would you say? What would you think? Ever stop to think that maybe I'll be gone one day? Ever stop to think that I constantly wait for you? Ever wonder why I get so mad sometimes?

I've got to have the greatest brother. Thanks.

whatever.

fuck it.

just whatever.

What an interesting thought...

I'm not surprised that there had to be some sort of scandal during the holidays. Like I was telling my cousin, I had a feeling the family would start to deteriorate after Lolo died. Relatives have beef over money and over some unknown situation. On my side of the gate, there's another piece of scandal that's been floating around. Apparantly the whole family knows I'm gay and they seem to walk over eggshells while I'm around. Aunts are gossiping over me like I was some fobby celebrity...ugh. typical hens. They don't even have the nerve to talk to me about it...and I'm sure they'll offend me with an overly sarcastic quip. Stop fucking whispering and forget about it. It's not like I'm a different person.

What the fuck is the big deal anyway? What makes my sexuality such an "interesting" topic for conversation? Is it because they have no real life of their own and so they have to knitpick at mine? I'm pretty sure they don't understand and most of them never will.

I feared the family finding out...but after seeing this reaction. I fear only for my reputation. Apparantly being gay changes the light on me completely. I wonder what ignorant thoughts they are going to gossip over. I wonder what kind of dellusional ideas they have about me. I wonder if they even think of me as the same Mark as I was 3 years ago.

You know what? Fuck em. I already have haters in my own family. Why should this phase me? The fact of the matter is that my parents are supporting me and still love me no matter what. Fuck the rest. I feel sorry for those who can't let it go. I'm not gonna mention names. They know who they are.

Why can't my titas get a life and look at themselves for a change. Who the fuck do they think they are looking at me the way they do?

"Oh did you hear he has a boyfriend?" "Oh did you hear he's a gay?"

Stop whispering bitches. I came out of the closet. Why won't you?

I'm not angry...just offended and frustrated.

Happy fucking ham day.

Today was a pretty interesting day. heh. I failed my math exam today. Oh well. I guess you can't win them all.

I also attended a taping of I'm With Her tonight with some SDYM people. I had such a good time at the taping. It seemed to wreak of high energy and it flew by fast! The warm up guys were really into it.

Afterwards, I hung out with some of the younger folk and found myself having a pretty good time. I was out with Lenn, Brad, and Mocha. We strolled Old Town for a little bit and had some snacks. It was really nice to spend some time with new faces. They really showed me a good time...and I felt pretty old at the same time. heh.

I guess I never really realized how many people know me around here. There were a few people I just met and I had a blast with...others seemed to know who I was and I never recalled meeting them before. Weird.

Another practice tomorrow...although the work is going to start piling...I'm getting excited to see how all this unfolds.

In other news, my confidence was boosted quite a bit tonight. When I started friendster, I used to get all of these messages from guys ranging from cute hotties to flamers to old men...haha. I haven't gotten one recently, until now. Jealous beb? haha. You're jealous. But on the reals, I need some local down friends. I don't have too many. Most of my friends are straight or in the closet...heh heh.

To my booger...I love you and I miss you dearly. You're on my mind and I can't seem to stop talking about you. I'm glad I got to talk to you tonight...even for a short while. Good luck on the rest of your exams.

Yesterday was such a random day. I was given about 4 hours notice of Aimee's debut practice...which isn't really a big deal mind you since I didn't have class. "Lola, I'm gonna take a shower and go to Sim's place." The next thing I know there's a knock at the door... and lo and behold...it's Simon. hahaha. That was so random. It turns out he was doing some business at a dealership in La Canada and decided to drop by. He picked me up and we went to debut practice...

more later...i have class.

UPDATE: He knew that I was planning to go to Torrance to the practice...but he didn't know that Lei and I agreed to meet at their place first...so that was super convienient. haha. It was cool to meet all of his co workers and stuff. They were all just shocked to discover that he had an identical twin.

Today, something pushed me over the edge. It took me about 7 years to get there.

I was totally robbed of something today. My jaw dropped when I found out.

We'll see what decision I will make come January. How can one be needed if most of the time they are being overlooked and maybe being taken for granted. I'm tired of being in someone else's shadow.

I know that my boyfriend is out and about a lot...As much as I wish he would make more time for me, he does make time. I guess the more that he does it...I crave more of it. I shouldn't really complain about it, since it's a lot more than usual. I trust him. I love him. That's all...right?

Come to think of it, I'm really grateful that my beb has been calling me. I know that he has a lot of homework and I really appreciate him calling. I really appreciate him letting me know what he's doing and where he's going. He doesn't have to do that...but he does anyway.

My uncle and his parents have moved in for a while...it's cool though. He's the type of uncle that is labeled as "the favorite." We grew up with him. Unfortunately, he's sharing my room...and it would be kinda difficult to explain why another guy is sleeping my in bed. heh. We'll see how this unfolds.

the icing on the cake: my design professor comes in and waves a blue paper in the air and says, "class is cancelled. go home."

I waited for nothing...why did i even go on campus?

The day started off so well too. What a shame.

I got up early enough to decide what to wear and even enjoy breakfast that my lola had made. I nonchalantly gathered my things and was headed for school. I popped in the new Brittney CD for school and jammed the whole way. "I'm actually going to get to my first class on time for once." I thought to myself. Man, I was wrong...so so wrong. It took an hour and 15 minutes to find parking. It took me 5 different lots, including the new parking structure before I found a space. I was seriously on tilt. It sucks since I didn't go to my math class last thursday since my ass overslept...so who knows what I missed in that class. *sigh*

I'm so mad. Even though I have another class at 12:30, I'm not going to it. I'm just going to walk around and enjoy for once. haha. fuck it...yeah. That's it. Mark's in "fuck it mode."

(In case I haven't rubbed it in enough...read the entry below and hate me. haha.)

GUESS WHERE I WAS LAST NIGHT! I WAS AT THE 31st AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS! BOO YAH!
So who did I see that was about 3 feet away from me? Here's a few that I saw (not including the people we saw on stage):

Ashanti
Keifer Sutherland
Pauley Shore
Weird Al
Jason Mraz
Britney Spears
Kid Rock
Pamela Anderson
Hilary Duff
Clay Aiken
Ruben Studdard
Henry Simmons
Sean Paul
Lil' John
Lance Bass
Ryan Seacrest
Roselyn Sanchez
Heather Headley
Toby Keith
PINK
Dick Clark
3 Doors Down
Rod Stewart
Bow Wow
Irv Gotti
Damon Dash
Evanescence
Big Boi (from OutKast)
Jessica Alba
Michael Chicklis
Mark McGrath
Trista Rhen & Ryan Stutter
Faith Hill
Tim McGraw
Sheryl Crow
Dave (from Paradise Hotel)

It seemed like it was hard to be there at times...but now that i look back at it. I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME! Jealous yet? Oh come on...admit it.

The longer this relationship lasts, the easier it is to understand each other's point of view. I have begun to appreciate the small things that he does. I didn't think he was going to call me tonight. The idea didn't really bother me. I knew he had a formal to attend. To my surprise, he called me out of nowhere. He sounded like he's having a great time with his friends there. He made me smile.

It's true. It's always the little things that we appreciate and miss. Yah, I'm a wuss. I miss him. A friend assured me that she'd take care of him there. "Don't worry, Mark. We're gonna have some good clean...SOBER...fun." I responded, "I don't care if it's good clean buzzed fun...as long as he's okay. I trust him." I have no chance of seeing him this weekend. I miss him so much...but I want him to have fun.

Again...I'm a wuss. I know. I'm so gay. I miss him.

:::::::::::::::::

Today was pretty cool. I got to spend some time with Gail and Kris. I can't really recall the last time the 3 of us just went out outside of SDYM. I'm glad I got to spend some time with them today...good times. I love you guys.

I had all this shit to say...and then I snapped out of it. OOPS.

haha.

FUCK! THe older this comp gets, the more it freezes. I was playing here and I was raising the hell out of that hand and everyone was betting into me. I had the nuts too: 9's over 10's...FULL FUCKIN HOUSE. I would have won with that boat, but the browser decides to freeze on me. I don't know why but my internet browser has been freezing WAY too often and it's really annoying.

That was the hand that would have redeemed me on that table...I was getting reamed pretty bad. FUCK!

boyfriend: sigh
me: argh...dont do that face. imma end up falling for it.
boyfriend: =(
me: awwww crap

I'm a sucker aren't i?

I feel kinda blah right now.

He can get me so mad sometimes. How can he sleep when he knows I'm not happy?

I guess its the little things that he does makes the world of difference. We had a small run in last night and I was sleeping alone. He has no idea how mad I was. I had to leave the house and think and pray a little bit. About an hour later, I come back and notice his sleep was completely undisturbed. I let out a sigh of frustration and just read until I got tired.

He did something so small; so simple. For some reason, all of my angst left. I wasn't so angry anymore. I didn't need to ask him all those questions permeating in my head. That one gesture put me at ease and answered everything.

He's good at ticking me off, but he's even better at making me happy. I don't know what it is about him. He's different...but he fits.

Random pick me ups are the best.

I was browsing through something the other night. After looking through everything, I realized my place with some people; the people who I considered good friends. Now, I'm not saying that I loathe these people. I don't. It's just that I realized how valued I was. Well, if at all. I asked myself why do these people even consider me as a friend? I feel like it's pointless to even have these people in my life. I don't even know why I bothered to share a part of myself with them in the first place.

There are quite a few people who I owe my time to. I haven't been able to really call people. I haven't had too much time to myself either.

Fuck. Christmas is coming up and I still can't get a job. Ugh.

I guess you can't win em all.

An impulsive decision I made this weekend changed a lot. I never wanted to fight. I never wanted to be upset. I only wanted to be understood.

Also it was my sister's birthday party last night. (actually her birthday is today...) It was nice being able to play poker with some good friends.

Beb, you asked me if my Halloween was fun. Honestly, I had a pretty good time...but we both know I could have had a better time.

I'm glad that I just said "fuck it" and drove off to see you without a second thought. I'm glad that we talked about it. I'm glad that we were able to have some time together. I can't wait till this weekend.

As dark as the clouds are...the sun's shining.

I'm cool. I'm calm. I'm collected. I'm cold.

happy fucking halloween.

I've never had a great halloween...so what made me think this was gonna be a good one?

I hate myself. I hate halloween. I hate everything.

sometimes, it's the little acknowledgements that goes a long way.. a "hey what's up, how are things in smooky san diego" or even a simple "thanks" is greatly appreciated... it's funny, sometimes you don't notice that you take your friends for granted.. once you need something, there you are: knocking at their doorstep.. but what about the times when you don't need anything? where are you to be found? i don't know, it's just something i've been thinkin about...

Kreees...I know what you mean.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. "

- Aristotle

I've been wallowing in my own shit for, it seems like, forever. I haven't really been sleeping well. Like I told a friend earlier today, "Sometimes it's hard to be understanding...but I have to be." Maybe I'm being selfish for asking for even a little bit. Sure, one would think I'm angry. I don't know if I'm angry with you. I don't know if I'm upset with the situation. All I know is that I'm not really happy. I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I feel like I'm not as important as everyone else over there. I know you have a lot of important exams. I know that you have all of these important people to impress...Understanding? Sure. Patient? Not much left in that department.

What exactly do you know is going on in my life? Do you even care enough to know how MY day went? Do you care how I feel after something? What about my life? What about MY thoughts? I remember the last time I tried to talk to you about a problem...you didn't even acknowledge it. You went on about something else. I didn't like that at all.

Where were you when I had my bad day yesterday? I needed you. A lot has been going on with me...but now I feel like the one person who would want to know about it is too busy for me now. What about me? What about MY feelings? I'm so tired of wondering. I'm so tired of staring at my ceiling at night...I'm tired of waiting by the phone hoping you'd call me. I'm tired of sending email without a response. I'm tired of you not validitating my problems. I'M TIRED.

No. You know what? I'm angry with you and the situation. Fine...there. I'm selfish.

well...guess that's what college is for. you meet people. you lose people. you live. and sometimes you die.

Keith, I agree with you totally. But I think that's just life in general.

I survived the day. I turned off the phone and avoided AIM just to be completely left alone. The day went by quick as my art class was cancelled. I'm not in a good mood...but I'm not in a bad mood either. At least I can relax a little bit tonight and tomorrow. Beb...I miss you.

:::::::::::::::

If I were a movie...I'd be...


My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

Damn. I'm bad. Well, at least I'm not XXX. har har.

I am in the most FUCKED up mood right now. Ugh. My mom is getting on my last nerve. I'm ready to smack someone.

Another thing...Why the fuck is CSUN still open for session while every other damn surrounding school is closed for evacuation? STUPID. I hope someone gets fired for that decision.

Sure, mom...I'll stop studying and doing homework just to clean.

They tell me that my priorities are fucked up...I wonder where I got it from.

After reading what Gail wrote, I thought about a lot.

I'm not really sure what it was today, but during mass, I had this overwhelming feeling of peace of mind. For about an hour, nothing mattered to me. Nothing mattered more than to contemplate about God and assess my life. I've been keeping a few people in my prayers recently. They carry burdens that I can't even imagine to comprehend. These intentions were offered on behalf of family and friends. There is so much going on now. After this past summer, things have unfolded and the big picture just got so much bigger. I gained so much respect for myself and from my family. I lost touch with so many people. I miss so many of my friends. A close friendship died, all because of my sexuality. I've been so busy. I'm worrying about finding a fucking job. I have a boyfriend who loves me. But it's getting more and more difficult to see him because of schedule conflicts and distance. I could write a fucking book about what happened to me these 5 months. Life bloomed. Was I ready for all of these alterations?

Friends. It's pretty self explanatory. I miss my friends who moved off to college. I miss my high school friends who stuck with me throughout college. I miss the inside jokes and the lame stories we would have. Gail was right. Good friends are hard to come by. Some just leave for the most insignificant reasons. Some are just as busy as I am. Some just forget the true worth of a friend. Some forget that time apart doesn't mean that I don't care.

My life has been pretty difficult to balance as of late. I want to become more motivated to improve myself academically, physically, and mentally. There have been little opportunity for me to sit down and shut up. I want to have a whole 2 weeks to travel and make up for lost time with people. I want to have a clear schedule and sit and talk to my friends who more than deserve my attention. I want to have sit and converse with my old friends; catch up. I laughed and finally let myself play today. I think it's about time I do more of that too.

Is this really too much to ask for? I want to improve. I want to persevere. I want to be satisfied with life. I want so much for myself and for my friends. I want to be a better boyfriend. I want to be a better uncle. I want to be a better brother. I want to be so much more than I am right now.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and complaining.

I'm tired of looking back and regretting my mistakes.

I'm tired of looking stupid.

I'm tired of this layout.

I'm tired of my friendster picture.

I'm tired of feeling insecure.

I'm tired of looking around and wishing.

I'm just tired.

Angry? No... Just feeling very unfulfilled.

I never realized the fun factor of silly string.

hahaha.

Thanks for the call Jhen. I've missed you.

BAH! Friendship Games? meh. I could honestly care less. Overrated? Maybe not to most...Have a safe and fun time whoever is going.

OOOOOH. Poker? Don't mind if I do.

My boyfriend is so sweet. ha. You know how they say the little things are the things that really count for a lot? After talking to him last night, I realized that he does a lot of seemingly small things...but they mean a lot. I'm happy to hear him talk about his daily battles here and there and reassures me that everything is all good. Sometimes, I feel like he's not listening to me and my day sometimes, but the elation in his voice kinda makes up for it. I didn't really get to talk to him yesterday...but hearing him say "I love you," gave me a little more peace of mind.

Unfortunately, I'm probably not going to see him this weekend. He's been looking forward to friendship games. I have a lot to do this weekend, so I guess I'll manage to keep myself occupied. I'm going to be volunteering at the Parish Fiesta. I'm having lunch with the Bishop and the SDYM core team. I have 2 tests on Tuesday. I'm almost done with Poker Nation. I'm getting a haircut. (I already colored...it's REALLY subtle.) I have to pay my bills. I need to clean up my room and bathroom. So, as you can probably already tell, I have quite a list of tasks to tend to.

In other news, boyfriend got me addicted to this game. It's pretty fun to play. hahaha. It can kill a lot of time and the pudgy little anime boys and girls are so cute. You can even buy outfits for them. hahaha.

Okay, I'm going back to bed. One of you knows why I wasn't feeling the sleeping vibe for a while...but let's not go there. ha.

I can't imagine my closest friends thinking that I don't care. This past month has been push and pull for me; not that I'm making an excuse. There hasn't really been a weekend for me to stop and smell the roses.

I got a friendly reminder that my old friends miss me. I also got the impression that they think I don't care. I couldn't believe it. Why would I not care about my friends all of a sudden? Why would I simply forget them and what they've done for me?

I, of all people, wouldn't take my friends for granted. I am really lucky to have friends like the ones I have. They accept me for who I am. So why would I simply dismiss them? The only thing that really hurt me is that some of my friends have come to the conclusion that I don't care about them, simply because I've been MIA.

To my bestest friend in the world:

We've been friends for about 8 years now. We've been through too much for me to just forget about you. I know you need your friends more than ever now. I'm sorry I've been on the run so much. I'm sorry I made you think I don't care. I've been praying for you like you asked me. I've been concerned about you since we last talked. I don't really understand why talking to me about your problems would be difficult, let alone thinking that I would be the last person who would care.

I love you. Don't doubt that. I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry.

I had an okay night at Knott's. Got left hanging.

I had a broken sleep all night. I guess I'm thinking too much again.

No one is home and I have no plans. I hope there's a poker night.

I'm not happy...I wasn't happy since last night. Some of you should know why.

Is it just me, or does one become hot property when they're taken? I don't get it. I mean it was flattering and all...heh.

Anyway, I had so much fun tonight. I got to spend some time with good friends and even randomly went clubbing with some old friends while making new friends at the same time. hahaha. Such a friendly night...

Now I'm gonna go see another good friend...









...my bed.

good night.

I miss him so much. I guess it's because I was able to spend a whole weekend with him. I don't know what it is, but I just miss him a lot. I can't call him since he's out and about with his friends...which is what he's supposed to be doing. One of the few reason that I can sleep at night is that he's doing just fine and making lots of friends. I have to be supportive and understanding. He needs that; especially that I'm not really around. I have to give him space and trust him, right? I have no reason to not do so.

Recently, I talked to a good friend about why his latest relationship failed. It wasn't his fault. His boyfriend didn't give him his space. He didn't let him grow in his new environment. It made me think about how hard it can be to let go sometimes. The hardest part is driving home from his campus or not getting to hug or kiss him goodbye...but obviously, that's the way it has to be. It would be wrong of me to be selfish and not allow him to do whatever he wants to do. He needs to get out there and really find out what life's all about. He's so happy living the dorm life...and what kind of boyfriend would I be to take away from such a positive exeperience?

I know my relationship hasn't been very long, but we learned that we have to compromise and sacrifice. I need to be patient and selfless. I need to understand and continue to support him.

I really love him a lot. He means the world to me. No one needs to know who he is if you don't know already. I've been getting questions as to who he is...but he asked me not to give out his name...and of course, I understand.

With each day that passes, I know that our relationship grows stronger...even a little bit. I would bend over backwards for him. After all, isn't that what a good boyfriend would be willing to do? Another thing is that we communicate well. Even if one doesn't want to talk about it...we make sure we talk it over before we part ways. There hasn't been a night where we went to sleep angry with each other. Sometimes he has to force my thoughts outta me...as I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. heh.

Thanks for making me laugh this past weekend beb. I needed to forget my troubles and get happy.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

this poem means so much to me. thanks mocha. you're awesome.

A Good Leader

He was my stepping-stone to you Lord
He led me to the stairway to grace
Because of him I have greater faith Lord
And for once I didn’t need to race

He taught me to live life as myself Lord
And walk on the street knowing you were at my side
He taught me to love you more than ever Lord
He strengthened my pride

He wasn’t only your follower Lord
But a leader to all
He pushed himself to help others Lord
And made sure our faith would never fall

Mark is a leader Lord
The greatest one I’ve ever met and personally known
Mark is my leader Lord
And now it has truly shown

He has devoted life to you Lord
So all I ask for you to do
Give him my hearts blessing Lord
Because he brought two people together, me and you!

MOCHAchee

With that, I can smile and say...

LIFE IS GOOD.

I had a great time in Vegas this past weekend. We even extended the vacation one more night! haha. I'm so glad that boyfriend went with the group...although he was the only one who wasn't quite old enough to play, but with the help of my brother's extra ID, he was able to play. It was funny when he was carded. Sometimes the atttendants just asked if he was 21 and he merely replied with a cool and collected, "Yeah. I am."

I got burned in Texas Hold 'em TWICE! It was a $40 buy-in. haha. The craps table was a cocktease. Regular and triple play video poker became my new interest. The slots were really nice to me too. I never thought that I can make $8 into $60+ bucks while you play nickels. I never thought losing about $200 can be so much fun! Oh, I'm now a player's club member for the MGM/Mirage properties and the Stations Properties. haha. It's official. I'm a gambler.

A big thanks to Lei and the family for letting us crash at their vacation house and giving us the Lei Frontside suite. haha. I was so happy to spend some time with them and my nephew.

I have lots of stories that we created in the Silver State's city of sin...but you know what they say, "Whatever happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas."

Don't worry folks, Mark was a good sober boy the whole weekend. =)

::::::::::::::::::

I got out of my POLS 155 class early due to a midterm. I honestly didn't get much studying done thanks to the big weekend. heh heh. I wanted to kill time before 2 so I came up to the collaboratory to blog.

Anyway, I just remembered that you guys didn't remind me to blog about the funny story when I was at Frisco last weekend. Oh well. I don't know if it's still fresh in my head.

Okay...I'm almost done with the day and I know I'll be home early.

I'm off to Vegas today. Yay for me.

I WANT TO SEE THIS SOOOOO BAD.

Okay, I'm on tilt.

The only thing that I don't like about big trips is that I get irritated when the groove is thrown off for everyone. At least tell me what's going on so that way I can relay it to the people who NEED the information. I'm so irritated with how everything is just up in the air. I don't mind leaving late, but at least let me know so I can plan my shit accordingly.

I know I'm pretty antsy about leaving, but I don't want my bro guessing his way through the weekend.

I always hate the part right before I leave. Things are just so hectic. It drives me nuts.

It's funny when you know when you're on a point and someone can't handle the fact they have been contradicted. In poker, we call this a "tilt." Well, a version of it anyway. Since you didn't give me the last word... in defense of my good friend:

I agree with the no fingers being pointed, but im not trying to protect his ego. I know he's a secure enough of a person who can stand by his decisions. I dont think that it's a fair assessment to say that he doesnt know who he is. Maybe he found out exactly who he is and that pushed him to do what he decided to do. We can't conclude that he doesnt know who he is. I dont know whats in his head and neither do you. I don't know his reasons for his actions but I'm just defending his character and his ability to make his decision. I'm not against you. I have no reason to be. It's just that he is my friend and I only think it's right to disagree on a comment that you have. I may not know exactly what happened, but I'm not really that stupid either. I've known him much longer than you have.

Hypocrites? Everyone is a hypocrite. It's human nature to contradict ourselves from time to time. I don't think that would justify his actions.

I understand that you're sad. I understand that you're upset and that your perspective on things may be tainted. Look at both sides...after all, you said it was a mutual thing.

Can't the week go by faster please?!

I'd love to be at the craps tables and having the time of my life in Vegas.

I feel so shitty right now.

Why'd you have to be so busy?

I miss you.

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO COMPETE FOR COMPUTER TIME IN THIS DAMN HOUSE. IT'S SERIOUSLY TIME TO GET ME A LAPTOP. DAMMIT! BLAH!!!

I hope that I win big enough in vegas to get me a laptop...and PIECE OF MIND! No one in this house will ever touch it... Me? Win in Vegas? Not likely. boo... I hate having to plead my case just to keep my file transfers from getting cut off.

My sister is always the one I have to work around. Supposedly she's doing her homework...which I don't mind. But the thing is that she's IM-ing people left and right while working and she's forbidden to do that by the parentals. The thing I fear is that I don't know what her business is online. I don't know who she talks to nor do I know what sites she's seen or being referred to. I know she's not stupid, but at 11, you'd be pretty naive to a lot of things.

I guess IM-ing is this generation's "thing." The cool thing in my junior high days were pagers and those stupid precise ink pens. So, I guess I kind of understand the triviality of a "thing" that the mainstream share.

I'm officially peeved.

UGH.

oh... one more thing...hahaha i think i jumped the gun earlier but...

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY LEI!

I think I'm going to cut down the amount of links on my blogger. I'm just going to reevaluate their relation and or importance to me. I also need to update a few of the links anyway.

Let the ass kissing begin...

(RANDOM idea: I just bought me a 128 SD card... Don't tell dad I have one. Thanks.)

I think a Frisco vacation was what I needed. I had a great time and got to see some of my cousins who I haven't seen in a while. My sickness subsided significantly. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to hook up with some of my friends as my time there was limited. Sorry guys!

Let me tell you that the hotel was jaw-dropping. It looked like a trading spaces bomb was dropped. We stayed that the "W | Suites" in Newark. It's the modern set of Westin hotels. I could go on and on about how cool the place was, but I guess you just have to see it to believe it.

I had fun at the party and got to spend some "fun time" with the cousins afterwards. I also have a really funny story concerning a cute guy at In and Out and my cousin Ding, and Ate Joy. hahaha. I guess I'll save that for later...kindly remind me won't you?

Speaking of cousins, I know now that if you cared enough to even say hi to me, you would have. I certainly hope you didn't think I was going to come up to you. I tried already and I don't have to go more than halfway anymore. I guess it's really time for me to move on to bigger things, now that I got my final answer. I don't loathe you in any way, but I guess this is the way it has to be.

Well, I just blogged for the sake of blogging. blah... now i have to get my shit done.

You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceiling
And ooh wee it’s the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Sugar how you get so fly?

Off to Nor Cal I go.

So the "ace" came in and I'm hoping I make the most of it. Speaking of aces, this book is so good! I'm actually halfway done! I don't even read! hahaha. I haven't had a chance to put it down and I admit that I read it more than I read my school books. Wow. That's bad.

Anyway, I feel a lot better today. For the past few days, I've been under the weather. I don't know what the problem is persay, but I know I'm sick.

I never realized how jam-packed my october is. Tonight, I need to get ready to leave for Nor Cal, but you know what I'm doing? I'm playing poker tonight. hahaha. Guess what I'm doing after that. I'm going to take my friends to LAX also. haha. Guess what I'm doing right after that? I'm gonna visit beb on his campus for the day since I'm leaving for Frisco at 4 am. Yummie. Let's hope that I can hang today. I'm still getting over this mystery illness. heh.

Here are more highlights for my October:
- going to Vegas
- Knotts Scary Farm
- Our 2 month =)
- more to come?

I think I'm used to the fact that he's away for college. The fact that he's having a great time puts me at ease. I'm okay with the fact that we have broken online conversations here and there. I'm okay with the fact that he doesn't have to call me everyday. He's adjusting...so am I. I want him to enjoy his newfound freedom and experiences. If I were to smother him, I'd hinder his growth as an independant person. I admit, I still lose sleep thinking about him...but that's just normal. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think about him. Besides, if I can't sleep, I just read this and it gets my mind off things and lulls me to sleep. You heard it here first...I'm reading for pleasure.

I have something good on the way and I have an ace up my sleeve for him. heh heh. I hope I can get it done ASAP.

I'm begninning to think that my heath is fading. I've been having these headaches for 3 days straight, and this morning, my body was ready to malfunction on me. I still don't feel good. To make things worse, both of my parents are home right now and buggin the crap outta me. UGH.

In other news, my search for a job seems hopeless. I have all of these applications out and none of them are hiring. Everyone keeps saying, oh, just wait for a month. FUCK YOU! I can't afford to wait anymore. It sucks that I have all this experience under my belt and I can't get a crappy job.

I have a headache. Ugh. Go away...

hatchi matchi! sorry i watched the last episode... I didn't watch the series.

hahahaha.

but whoa.

It seems that the working force doesn't have room for an experienced server.

BAH!

Oh, I joined myspace.com. I really like it.

I'm so glad I saw you this weekend. My sanity was saved.

I miss you already.

My gaydar hasn't really been wrong and tonight shouldn't be an exception...

You ever make eyes with the hottie across the way? You become intrigued by their sex appeal and take a closer look. You think that this person is SO hot that your tounge sweats.

and then...

they open their damn mouth.

Tonight at craps there was one person who I thought was pretty cute and kept making eyes at me. Like Sherwin said, "If you make eye contact more than once, they might be downe." Seriously. This guy was staring at me since I extended my hand to politely introduce myself. I mean he's cute but it didn't seem like he had a lot upstairs.

His jokes were obviously skewed towards the whole sick gay sex theme. I'd make him "nut" while I dealt the cards. He said that I make him hard. He comments on the other guy's bodies. He tries to lick all the guys. He wants all of the guys to kiss him. I caught him staring at me over and over again... I wasn't even in the same room and he managed to keep his eyes on me. Maybe it's just me, but I don't joke around about playing with one's genitals when I meet them for the first time. Everytime I tried to hint that I was queer he didn't even flinch. When I joked back all of the other guys laughed at him because they all knew where I was coming from. Mind you he wasn't too bright, but I'm sure he's not THAT dense. He was even trying too hard to make conversation with Keith... I mean, sure Keith's a good looking guy, but my gaydar just kept nagging at me. Why would he be interested in my age? Why would he be interested in how I deal? Why would he have this odd look in his eye when I looked at him when it was his turn to bet? Why would be make the effort to look for me in the house? Why would he fidget around if I handed him the cut card and the deck? Why would he joke to the other players that I was playing footsies with him? There were so many other mannerisms that irked me a little. Sorry guys, but I think your boy has some issues.

If I see him in Vegas, it won't surprise me if he asks to play with my nuts or ask to kiss me. I don't think my man would like that one bit.

I can't believe I haven't gone beddy-bye yet. I'm just hanging on a thread here. blah.

Congratulations, Mark!
Your IQ score is 113

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Emode's Ultimate IQ test. Your IQ score is scientifically accurate...

We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test, and according to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is a Precision Processor.

This means you're exceptionally good at discovering quick solutions to problems, especially ones that involve math or logic. You're also resourceful and able to think on your feet.

taken at emode.com

I think I made the right choice.

I have a cool brother...

Simon, 09/25/2003:

Geebus! My brother is REALLY popular! He has about 5,489,638,764,001 and a half friendsters or something...at least for now...my projections show that Mark will be getting 3,262,003 (do you know what that number represents?) friendsters within the next 24 hours. Well anyway, I just wanted my brother to know that I love him...that and I didn't wanna be in the bottom of that horrendous pile of tesimonials anymore.

That is all.

DAMN...time to get my sleep on.

I quickly learned that if my mind is occupied with other things, then I tend to worry about him less. As long as I don't wallow in my own self-pity, then its all good. Unfortunately, I'm a big bag of crap when my mind wanders.

If you haven't had your dose of random yet...

I took some quiz. har har.


You are Like I Love You


What Justin Timberlake song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm gay, I know.

I have to be better than I am right now. I want only the best...but is it to my expense? I told myself I wasn't going to get upset about it, but I can't help it. I'm so bothered by it. I don't want to be mad about it. I shouldn't; but I am. I want him to have a great time...but now I feel just plain ol' sad.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I haven't eaten since I got up this morning and I had to eat now since my Lola forced me to eat.

I should seriously stop crying inside or I'm gonna start to mildew. Yuck.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I overreacting? Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? Am I just being stupid?

This week is just taking forever.

Let him grow, Mark. He's having a great time. That's what I've been hoping for. He's fine.






...but I'm not.

Last night Gail, Chi, Eo, Monica, Bobby, Tina, Edith, Jaime, Angel, Randy, Patricia, and I went to a TV taping of Less Than Perfect. By coming to this taping, I would be eligable to watch a taping of F*R*I*E*N*D*S! Anyway, let me tell you that Zachary Levi has at least 6 new fans after that taping. hahaha. I really liked the show. I had a great time but unfortunately, I didn't bring a jacket. They PUMPED that AC all night. Anyway, after the show we got to meet Zack and Andy Dick. Andy Dick is so cool! hahaha. We shook Andy's hand and we kinda talked to Zack and he even greeted me Happy Birthday! hahaha. *melts*

We went to BJ's to hit up happy hour and we just chilled. Jaime bought my first drink! haha. I had a Belgian Ale called Framboise. It was actually really good. haha. That alcohol really helped me get to sleep. hahaha.

I had a great time last night. It was nice spending time with some people I haven't seen for a while. I can't wait to get to the WB lot and watch FRIENDS!

Things are finally going my way! I love it.

So the boyfriend called me tonight and I feel like a whole load has been lifted off of me. I never thought that I'd be the type who would NEED a phone call. I mean, I can survive without one for a little bit, but in the back of my mind I feel the need to be connected to him. With all things considered, the last thing that should matter is me. I told him that he should go out there and experience everything he wants to. I want him to have his space to grow and to get situated on campus. I guess it's hard for me since he's experiecing college the way I didn't.

We talked for a good while tonight and I'm so happy that he's doing just fine. He's even getting closer to his high school friends too. He's planning to be pretty active on campus. I'm so proud of him.

We both agreed that it would be a long week.

I can't wait till the weekend.

I miss you so much pugs...

Torture...

Absolute torture.

I sit and I wait for you to call me, but in the back of my mind, I know you're out doing something important.

I carry the phone everywhere I go, hoping it would ring, but in the back of my mind, I know you're having a great time with your dorm mates.

You're doing exactly what I asked you to do. Live it up. I guess you can call me selfish for wanting you to call, but I know that I'll survive without a phone call. But in the back of my mind, I remember you clutching my arm and I can hear you say that you'd call me everyday. My phone lights up and I stare at it hoping a ring would follow.

I'm not mad. I'm not upset. Just sad and missing my beb. I just hope you miss me too.

Everytime I look at the moon...I remember that conversation we had and I feel that you're not as far away as my heart tells me.

*sigh* I guess I'm making a canyon out of a crack. There's still tomorrow. There's still next weekend.

I can't wait.

Being 21 is seriously overrated.

I haven't done anything that the law allows me to do. hahaha. How sad. I haven't even lived it up yet. haha. It's only been a week. I guess this is what people who are underage wait for.

*twirls finger in the air*

whoopty-do.

So obviously, a fat chunk of time has flown by since I last posted. A lot has happened too. I'll give an abbreviated version of the events. Boyfriend and I are doing well. We're trying to cope with the fact that he goes to school about an hour away from me. Although money is still an issue, things have been getting better for me. Much to my surprise, I'm doing well in school. I'm very encouraged in my art class...which reminds me, I need to study for my design terms exam for tuesday. It's been a while since I felt good for a change. My karmic balance is finally trying to reach equilibrium.

I have a few other things to take care of and I just hope things continue to go my way...

I got the birthday I wanted, despite a few snafus here and there. I didn't want to get wasted, nor did I want to party hard. Well, at least not yet anyway. Boyfriend and I had your standard dinner and movie. It was nice being able to spend outside quality time with him. I haven't been able to do that lately. I'm not too sure what was in the air that night but I wasn't happy for a while. He was my hero. He saved my 21st birthday. I guess I'll get into detail later...maybe. All you need to know is that he made my birthday special even when I thought things weren't going right. Thanks beb. =) At the end of the night, we talked the night away without even realizing how late/early it was. It's okay...we all have the right to do whatever we want for our birthday. I did...not caring about the consequences that were about to follow. I guess I didn't get the peace of mind I needed, but for a brief moment, my life was perfect. Boyfriend told me that the only person who can give me peace of mind, is myself. I need to fight one battle at a time and take each day with a step...rather than a leap to fight my demons. I guess I can find myself in some serious shit, but for some reason I manage to find my way out of it and become a better person than I was before. Today is the first day I grow up a little more...wish me luck.

***************

Today started off kind of odd. I woke up early enough to get to school in plenty of time, but not early enough to review my notes for my POLS midterm. I had a hard time merging into the freeway I needed to get to. I ended up having to get lost a little bit and I decided to just head home since I forgot my scantrons and steel rule.

meh...let's see where the day takes me. I have a lot to do...but like my boyfriend said. Take it one step at a time. I'll be okay.

Pray for me. That's what I need. Life's slowly coming back to me.

"Leavin old shit behind...The blindfold's off my eyes, and today will be the start of better days."

Leave it to the people I love make my birthday simple but VERY meaningful and it wasn't even officially my birthday yet! Most of them knew that I didn't really care about my birthday. My brother, Lei and boyfriend really made me feel so special. My bro and Lei surprised me by bringing him to our house to have dinner with the rest of the family.

I guess the funniest part about all of this is that my brother and I got the same thing for each other. hahaha. Damn that pesky twin thing.

Thanks for everything guys...

THE MADNESS CONTINUES

I am SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. My luck has seriously gone stale. My car is STILL fucked up and won't be fixed by Monday. The parts aren't available. To make things worse, I have a midterm on Tuesday and my books are in the car. I also can't go with boyfriend to get my brother's gift. Oh by the way, my computer is infected with one of the variations of the fucking blaster worm. FUCK! Isn't that spit on my neck and kick me in the crotch fantastic? I thought I had installed the patch, but I guess I didn't do it correctly or something.

I know I was pretty indifferent about my birthday before...but now, I just really don't care anymore. I have so much to worry about now. I guess that's what I really want for my fucking birthday...peace of mind and a smidge of good luck.

I can bet that people are going to be telling me that everything will be okay. I guess it turned pretty cliche to me recently. Everything is getting worse...so that phrase means nothing now.

FUCK EVERYTHING.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED! FOR THE PAST MONTH I'VE BEEN HAVING THE WORST LUCK.

First my car fucked up on my on the day of my nephew's baptism. It took 3 tries to replace the distributor in my car because the first 2 attempts involved one with a factory defect. Next, my accounts became negative and I'm getting screwed up the ass....the reason for that: a parking ticket that was unfairly issued. I was ticketed for not having a front license plate while in fact it was right there the whole fucking time. Now, there's something STILL wrong with my car and I can't drive it for while. When I took it to have it serviced the fucking mechanics decided to skip out early. As a result of that...I didn't get to see my boyfriend and it's been almost a week since I saw him last. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but he's going to UCI next week so this is my last week to see him. I wanted to spend my free day looking for a job. I'm tired of just waiting and waiting. I'm getting really desparate.

Some birthday it's gonna be...if I receive any money they're going straight to bills and I know it's not going to be enough.

I'm not happy. I can't take all this. I can't deal with so many things. To top it all off I have nothing for my brother. I have no money. I have nothing to offer. UGH. WHY?!?

FUCK IT.

JUST FUCK IT.

I have 257 friendsters (1 additional pending) and 62 testimonials. God...I must be stopped.

Isn't that kinda sad? heh. I didn't think that I'd still be addicted to friendster.

Le Sigh....(i guess a little bit of Caroline is rubbing off)

I heart Caroline and Alan. I miss my UNF buds. My phone airtime is occupied by the boyfriend. hee hee.

and I quote:

"I remember the first time I talked to Alan on the phone, I was all excited for the sheer reason that he is from Texas. Texas people have accents, am I wrong? Or am I right? Everyone and their dog know that I like accents, and I find it really interesting when someone talks with any kind of speech difference. And since I have absolutely NO accent, I thought maybe I could get a little "rub off" action, as I always do when I watch a british movie ... which is I can slip in and out of a (decent) accent. Ha. Anyway the time came when he answered the phone. "Hello?" he said. In one word, I felt my whole world collapse right in front of me. Where the fuck is that DAMN southern twang I hear so much about? Or is it supposedly only in Tennessee or Mississippi (ess-ess-eye, pee pee eye?), or every other state EXCEPT Texas? "Hello," I said back in my flat ass voice. Who the fuck likes people from California, anyway. We have no accents ... maybe those people who say "Dude" have an accent, but that's all I can think of. Anyway back to it all ... I thought maybe he would have more of an accent when he talked summore: NO. It sounded like you and me. The way Mark sounded was the way most people around here sound. So I think maybe Alan pretends to be from Texas, and he uses a secret phone line that makes it look like he's in Texas, when really he's in a basement in Torrance, CA. And Mark could be the psycho that drives by my house every Saturday morning, I don't know. But I'm sure as hell convinced. Prove me wrong, Texans. Prove. Me. Wrong."

Hil. Freakin. Larious.

Yes...I drive by all the time and peer through your window. I stand on your porch hoping you'd sense me and open the door. har har har.

I am very unsatisfied with my physical self. It's time to get started. It's time to better myself.

I had some good clean fun last night with the SDYMers. I haven't been able to spend chill/goofing off/conversation time with them lately. Randy cooked up some great food. Patricia brewed up some great tea. The rest of us enjoyed a long ass and somewhat immature game of Simpsons UNO! hahaha. It's nice being able to spend time with them and just enjoying each other's company. Too bad boyfriend couldn't come though. They were all hoping I'd take him. I'm glad they all want to get to know him. Stupid car...

********************

I was cleaning up and I stumbled upon a large novelty birthday card that was given to me on my 19th birthday. I remember that birthday too. It was one of the best ones. I had a surprise party on a retreat and Lei was a big part in handling it. I was reading through all the messages and they all made me smile...except for one. I read it over and it said, "Who knows...in a few years time I will be able to even spend your 21st with you. hahahaha. we could drink up together..." I thought to myself, a lot of people have changed over the past 2 years. I have certainly grown up a lot in the past 2 years. Unfortunately, some people made the concious choice to grow away from me.

Mark...2 years later:

I'm on the later part of college.
I'm still active in SDYM.
I'm a proud ninong and uncle.
My friends are farther apart but still close to me.
I'm jobless.
I'm out of the closet.
I have a loving boyfriend.
My parents and family know about me.
One person I love can't take it and I have to work around that.
I'm still learning a lot of things.
I've made a lot of downe friends.

Like I said before, I don't really make a big deal about my birthday. For the most part...nobody does and it's okay. That's the way I'm used to. I'm going to be 21 and a lot of doors are going to open for me. Some of those doors I'm going to need people to open for me. "I ain't too proud to beg."

Ahhh September...

Summer's done. School's getting into gear. Stuff's piling up. Sanity will soon be diminishing... heh heh.

A few people have made (and are still making) a big deal about my birthday which is in less than 2 weeks. Since I turned 16, I never made a big deal about it. There have been very few noteworthy birthdays for me so I never really wanted to really broadcast it. Yeah, so I'm finally turning 21. Big whoop. So many people are bent on getting messed up and getting me messed up. That's not what I want. I mean sure it'd be nice to have some drinks with friends, but I don't want to get totally shitfaced and entertain people at my expense. I don't feel that excitement. I don't feel that it's a big thing. I've still been asked for what I want for my birthday. There's not a lot that I want, but there's a lot that I need since I still don't have a job. I guess I'm not really sure how I feel about my 21st birthday. I'm not really feeling that whole anticipation anymore. Meh...to save the questions I'll place a list like I always do. I'll be vague since I'm too lazy to refer you all to the exact product. heh.

SIZES:
shirts - S
Pants - 33 x 29 (or 30)
Shoes - 9 1/2

1. Money - Things are so hard since I quit my job.
2. A couch or LoveSac - sitting on my Ikea rug is getting old.
3. A high quality digital camera - The one I have really sucks now.
4. An Apple Laptop - I wish I had one.
5. New clothes - I haven't gone shopping for quite a long time.
6. An Ipod - I wish I had one.
7. a white or denim Von Dutch hat - Okay...so I don't NEED one but my boyfriend, Mr. Timberlake has one...so we need to match. har har.
[There's more, but I'm getting really sleepy. I'm hardly up at this hour.]

Oh...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SELLEY!

Well I survived my first (2 day) week of school. I'm slowly getting the hang of waking up in the AM hours rather than skipping breakfast and lunch. heh heh.

My favorite class has to be my 2D design class. I end the day with that class so it's nice to be able to do something I enjoy at school rather than trying to absorb a riveting lecture. I still have the honor of getting my books too. Blah...yay for me.

I gotta admit, it's kinda nice to see some familiar faces on campus. It seems like there's a major influx of ER and St. D's people coming to CSUN. Nonetheless it's always comforting to see a familiar face here and there. heh.

GTG! My ride is here....FINALLY.

I started school yesterday. I think this semester will be a productive one...at least I hope so.

*sigh* Not a lot has been going my way lately. My karmic balance is outta wack. blah.

Pray for me...that's all.

"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't
strike. You just go in every day and do it
really half-assed. That's the American
way!"

Well, you're really really lazy. You
manage to get by, but you never put any effort
into anything you do. You most likely enjoy
watching TV, sleeping, eating, and doing stuff
of the sort. Get active. You're a fat, lazy
idiot.


Which Advice Quote said by Homer Simpson are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yesterday was my favorite nephew's christianing. I went through a lot to get there. I would stop at NOTHING to get there. This is a true story... my story on how it all went down. I guess all in all, the fact of the matter is that the day was never about me to begin with, but I thought it would be somewhat entertaining to tell you how difficult it was for me to make this event.

I woke up early to pick up boyfriend since his house is about 30 minutes away from mine. I took a quick shower and skipped breakfast and headed out. I decided to clean up and finish getting ready when I brought him back home. It was about 9am and the morning was bright and promising. As I drove, I noticed how empty the freeway was. Usually, when I drive to pick him up the traffic is heavier than an angry bitch's period. The drive was really easy and I got more and more excited as I approached the exit. 1 mile... 3/4 mile... 1/2 mile... I could already see the exit right in front of me. It was 9:25 am. "Damn! I'm making great time." I thought to myself. Just as I finished that thought, I noticed that the gas pedal refused to accelerate my Civic. I pressed it again and still no response. My heart rate began to quicken, and I slammed the hazard lights on and glanced at my rear views to see if I had any chance of making it to the right shoulder. Fortunately, there were no cars as I rolled off to the right and crawled to a stop. Puzzled, I turned off the car and tried to start it again. The engine refused to ignite. I tried it a second time. Same response... none. I grew very impatient VERY quickly. I was ready to burst into flames.

The exit was right in front of me. It would have been a 3 minute walk. It was such a tease to peer at the exit as my car remained pedestrian on the right shoulder. My first instinct was to call my mom. "Anak, did you try to start it again?" she asked. "Yeah, like three times now. I'm not too sure what's wrong." I responded. "Well, I don't know what to tell you anak. Just call triple A and call us back. Me and your dad will see what we can do." With that, she hung up. I scrambled around for my wallet and found my AAA membership card and made the call. A woman named Mikhala picked up and asked what I needed. I stated EVERYTHING, from the license plate to the location to the potential problem with the car... yet she asked me everything AGAIN. I repeated everything to her at least three times. After she announced that the tow truck was coming, she said in a very unenthusiastic and mundane way, "Thank you and have nice day." I thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm stuck on the damn freeway shitting frisbees. I'm totally having a nice day right now."

After about 30 minutes, the tow truck came to my aid. His name was Anthony and he was really nice to me. I couldn't have my car checked since the shops were closed on Sundays. After much debating with myself and my mom, I decided to get dropped off at boyfriend's house and have the car stored at the local shop (for free). My parents were going to pick him and I up at his house. I waited with him and he calmed me down and really just made me laugh. My broken spirit was getting much better, but I feared the anger and frustration of my parents. About 20 minutes later, we were picked up and we were on our way to Rancho Palos Verdes. The time was 11:15 at this point. I changed in the car and boyfriend said that he had gel in his bag. For the first time, I got carsick in the Highlander. I was nauseous for a good 45 minutes. To make matters worse, I haven't eaten anything yet. We finally stopped at a local gas station and I quickly asked if I can get something from the food mart. My mom gave me some cash and I bolted into the building and grabbed a nutrition bar and a V8 splash. I finished both before we left the station.

We got lost multiple times. There were 2 of the same street so that was a bit confusing...and my dad wouldn't listen to any of us when he passed the church like 4 times. He finally gave in and listened to me and we parked...RIGHT NEXT TO THE CHURCH. If he had only listened to ME I would have had at least 5 mintues to get ready in the church's bathroom. As soon as we parked, I popped out of the car and asked boyfriend for his hair gel. It turns out he forgot it and I panicked once more. My hair looked like i had just woken up. So I rushed into the bathroom and resorted to putting liquid soap in my hair just to tame it. After settling with my medoicre hairstyle and unshaven mug, I slowly and discreetly made my way to my pew. I was about 6 minutes late. Lei could just tell that I was a wreck. She immediately handed Scott to me and EVERYTHING changed.

I finally pieced it all together. Seeing him light up while he jumped on my lap made it all worthwhile. Watching him smile and laugh made me forget how messed up I looked and felt. Knowing I was going to be an even bigger part in his life put my mind into perspective. I've done these godfather dealies before, but it's just completely different this time. It was more meaningful because Si & Lei trust me with his spiritual life. Being ninong is more than just spoiling him with toys, candy and money. It's about being there for him and loving him with all my heart. I'm really part of the circle. My life was completely validated when I was holding that candle and making a promise to keep that light burning bright. When he reached for my hand, it made me realize that I really was willing to do anything for him. I can't wait to tell him the stories when he's older. I can't wait for him to understand how much I love him. My nephew...my new love....my new spirit.

It's funny how the one who wasn't able to comprehend my troubles was the one who was able to take them away. Scott's innocence is what brought me back. It's what made me feel so much better. I even feel so much closer to Lei and my brother. Scott's lucky to have parents and grandparents that love him so much... and now he has Godparents who love him just the same.

Thank you Lei and Sim. You guys are the best. Boyfriend...thank you...FOR EVERYTHING.

In the meantime I'll take care of everything else. I still need to see boyfriend and get the car. I want to be centered when school starts tomorrow.

In 2 weeks I'll be a step closer to getting a job! I got a call from Gordon Biersch from Old Town saying that they are interested in taking me and will start interviewing me in a couple of weeks. Wish me luck!

I'm done with the layout. I have added the new links.

It was inspired by a friend's past project.

I wanted it to be simple and eyecatching.

Time for a shower.

I have a meeting to get to.

YAY. I'm so productive.

I can't sleep. Anyone in the mood for crappy haikus? I AM!

I am just one man
But I found another half
I call him "boyfriend"

He can make me smile
He can also make me mad
He can eat more too

Loud when elated
Indifferent when focused
Quiet when upset

His jokes are funny
His sacrasm can be wry
Always humorous

I have made mistakes
I am nowhere near perfect
But he looks past it

One lucky person
Two very different guys
One relationship

No more haikus, Mark
They are getting really stale
Time to go to sleep

I'll admit it. I guess I'm more lazy than strapped for time when it comes to this blogger. I haven't done the race & WOC for a while. I have a concept for the new layout. To make things even worse...I have quite a few linky-links to add onto my already horendous(sp?) list of people. haha.

I still need to add:
KEITH
LORENZ
RIKKI
JP
JANICE
ED
KRISSY

There's more but I have to go and pick up some people. meh.

I apologize for the lack of depth in my recent entries.

heh.

My summer is coming to a close soon. There has been a lot of ups as well as downs. I want to blog but I find myself spending time with my new love. It's been good for me so far so there's nothing to complain about. I've been inspired for a new layout recently so I guess I have something to do nowadays.

I don't exist. I'll be back when I want to be.

(Don't read into that line too much...If I blog...I blog. heh)

I jumped.

I took flight.

I can't even begin to tell you how much pressure I'm under. I wish that I had more hours in the day. I wish I could please everyone. I wish I was a better person sometimes. These past few weeks I've been MIA, broken promises, procrastinated, stayed up until the sun began to rise, and just was plain irresponsible. It's just kind of frustrating when people don't understand why I'm so high strung...but then again I can't expect someone to just hand me a cookie and understand my point of view.

It scares me when I think that I can't handle all of these things that are coming my way. I mean, I don't even have a job nor do I have classes. Nonetheless, I manage to run myself and others into the ground. People tell me that I'll be okay. Why don't I feel that way? Why do I feel like I'm just a big let down to some people?

The questions still remain in my head: Am I good enough (for you)? Can I manage my time effectively as my responsibilities grow? Will I study hard and still balance my other obligations? Are my friends feeling dissed by my lack of attention? What do I really want for myself? What can I really do to get things done correctly...let alone in a timely manner?

I'm not upset. I'm just confused as to what I can really do. I want to be able to have my life flow from one thing to another, but here I am...Just trying to breathe.

What is it about love that makes us do seemingly stupid and irrational things? What is it about love that makes us promise things?

I've never had a real love life. Now that I do, I realize how hard it can be to manage sometimes. But no matter how hard it gets, it's always worthwhile. I'm not perfect nor am I remotely close to excellent, but I try my best. I'm a stupid human who makes stupid mistakes.

Even when I'm far away...You're in my heart. You're with me everywhere I go...you occupy my thoughts in what ever I do.

I HAVE THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER!

Don't ask why...

...because I'll tell you why.

She picks me up to sleep over with a one hour notice and feeds me goodies and makes me happy.

NEED I GO ON? Well, I'm too hungry to go on. I'm actually up in the AM, people! So be impressed by that and maybe if you're all good boys and girls, I'll let you know what I did today.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

First off... Happy Birthday Sky!

Thank you for all of the feedback and questions. I didn't think my last post would generate so much of a reaction from people...even strangers.

I purposely left the post up there as long as possible only so everyone would have a chance to read it and even reflect on it. But now...since I have some people who NEED an update, I decided to give in to their demands and spill it out.

Anyway... things have been really good so far, but I don't wish to give out the details...just know that it's all good in Mark's hood. I'm also off the market now. Sorry fellas. haha.

I always feel intimidated when someone "wants to talk to me." It's never really good news when someone pulls me aside like that. I'm the kind of person who might take things the wrong way sometimes. Someone is ready to give me an earful but I'm just so scared as to what I might hear. heh. I tend to take things a little farther than they are supposed to. I try to understand the situation through the other person's point of view but sometimes I take it to the heart. I guess I'm ready to hear what has to be said. I'm sure it's totally called for. I'm not really the best person all the time and I hate it when I have to be "put in my place" so to speak.

I'm sensitive...well...more like hyper sensitive once my comfort zone is compromised.

I'm ready to hear what you have to say...I just hope I don't take it the wrong way.

I think it's time that I took the time to let you all know what has been going on with my life as of late. This entry is going to be a LONG one so I hope you have nothing to do. Trust me, this isn't an entry you want to skim through. Just take your time.

A lot has been going on with Mark Andrew Ocampo Kaiklian. A lot has happened even before I left for Oahu a few weeks ago. Thanks to a few people, my life has changed. I have learned so much about myself and my place in the world. Relationships have both strenghthened and weakened in the past weeks. My life went through a whole myriad of emotions, thoughts, opinions, and especially experiences. I have gained a new respect for myself, for my family and my friends. Unfortunately, I have lost the respect for others in the process. In any case, I need to maintain, or even regain, my equilibrium. In one month all of this happened to me: I have made new friends. I thought I fell in love. My heart was broken. My belief system was attacked. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I went to Disneyland. Strengthened friendships. Lost friendships. I realized how lucky I really am. Basically, I grew up.

So what exactly happened in Oahu? What was so special about my trip to paradise? What did I learn? What did I acheive? Why was it a trip I would never forget?

I'll let you know in a sec.

It was my first time in Hawaii. For months I was looking forward to this trip. I wouldn't stop ranting about it to all my friends. I'm sure my raving grew stale to them...but wouldn't you get really giddy if you were leaving for Hawaii for the first time?! The days slivered away and the depature date creeped closer and closer. I actually didn't pack until the night before the trip and our flight was at 10am. You could probably imagine my fatigue. The first thing I remember was the crisp sea breeze caressing my skin. I took a deep breath and said to myself, "We're here!" My uncle surprised us at the airport and had given us all leis. I was hoping I'd get one upon landing. hahaha.

For a week we saw the sights, lived the island life, and shopped like there was no tomorrow. I tried to absorb the history, life and culture of the island.

So what made this trip so different?

I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I have actually been out to my friends and some of my family...but not to my parents. I told myself I would tell them...and a good friend helped me out. His support means so much to me. I wasn't going to forgive myself if I didn't clear the air. When I had told them my mom's first and immediate response was, "I know anak, I've known since you were 8. It's just a mother's instinct." Right after my dad jumped in and said, "We're family. I want to try to understand you. You don't have to worry about anything." At this point I cried. I feared the worst with my dad. They were confused as to why it was so hard for me to tell them; why it was such a big deal to me. I explained that my final closure was knowing that, of all people, I was able to tell my parents that I was gay. They said that they love me no matter what and that I don't have to worry about anything. My mom agreed when we talked about how I can minister to the kids who are unsure or scared to accept their sexuality. So now, it makes no difference who knows I'm gay or not. The fact is that my parents, friends and family know and they are okay with it...well most of them are.

Since then, I pursued relationships. My heart was broken a few times and I felt like giving up. I eventually found one who could handle me. He makes me feel whole. He understands me... So yes...I am exclusively seeing someone now and my parents know.

The funny thing about this whole story was how I finally decided to tell my parents. During our trip I prayed to God for a sign that it would be okay to tell my parents. The next day, while we were getting ready for breakfast, we noticed a lot of commotion coming from outside our window. Was this my sign that I had asked for? You tell me. It turns out the Gay Pride parade was working its way through Honolulu. I thought to myself, "Shit, if that's not a subtle sign...I don't know what is." Me, my dad and my sister went down to watch it. I had noticed that neither of them were phased by all the queers parading down the street. It was all done in a tasteful fashion mind you...

I know not all of you who are reading this know that I'm fruitier than a box of Froot Loops, but if you don't like my shit...then don't smell it.

I have done a lot of growing up. I have done a lot of suffering and it has finally ended. My life has changed for the better and I thank God that I am alive and sane enough to work through it all. My chain has been broken. I am free to live. I am free to love. I am free from my old self.

I want to know what you all think...even the haters. Give me what you got and I'll shoot you down faster than a terrorist fighter jet.

I wanted to break the news and spit out a new layout, but I was just too lazy to get another one done. In any case, expect a lot of changes around here.

The closet door has been opened. I needed some fresh air.