Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Fist Bumps Usually Occur After Handling Trash
"I've had to say goodbye more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it's for the greater good, it still stings. Though we'll never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do, is live our lives always afraid of the next goodbye because chances are, they're not going to stop. The trick is to recognize a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again." - Ugly Betty
It's because of you, I know what love at first sight is like. It really does happen in slow motion.
It's because of you, I've experienced that the greatest man in the room (to me) really can make you forget everyone else around you. It's truly disarming.
It's because of you, I understand the notion of being attracted to someone's true essence; beyond sexual and physical attraction.
It's because of you, I learned that being alone is a quiet strength. Knowing one's self is key.
It's because of you, I feel like a guy can really get me, no matter how flawed and quirky I am.
It's because of you, I believe that a special bond between two people can be different and mutually understood without a shred of doubt.
It's because of you, I know that life is all about taking chances. I took one on you.
Unfortunately for me, it's because of you...that I can't have you.
I feel like a part of me died today. Honesty isn't easy. I suppose it was to make room for growth; for someone better. Sometimes when you look for something you want, you end up finding something that you need instead. Life has a funny way of doing that. We're on a different level and that's a path worth sharing. After everything was said, I walked away with more than I anticipated. I may not have walked away holding your hand, but you still walk the path with me on our own level.
Yeah, we don't know what God has planned for us, but I'm sure He planned for us to be in each other's lives for an awesome reason. You'll always have that special place in my heart. I'll always steal to a place of what could have been. I'll always be attracted to who you are. Either way, I didn't lose you, nor did I lose myself. It'll take a little time to heal and remember what it all means... but we'll manage.
I'm lucky to have you...so be prepared to hear that a lot. I don't ask for much in life, but it seems I got a lot more than I asked for. I got what I needed. I got you, another genuine, best friend.
*fist bump*
"I've had to say goodbye more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it's for the greater good, it still stings. Though we'll never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do, is live our lives always afraid of the next goodbye because chances are, they're not going to stop. The trick is to recognize a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again." - Ugly Betty
It's because of you, I know what love at first sight is like. It really does happen in slow motion.
It's because of you, I've experienced that the greatest man in the room (to me) really can make you forget everyone else around you. It's truly disarming.
It's because of you, I understand the notion of being attracted to someone's true essence; beyond sexual and physical attraction.
It's because of you, I learned that being alone is a quiet strength. Knowing one's self is key.
It's because of you, I feel like a guy can really get me, no matter how flawed and quirky I am.
It's because of you, I believe that a special bond between two people can be different and mutually understood without a shred of doubt.
It's because of you, I know that life is all about taking chances. I took one on you.
Unfortunately for me, it's because of you...that I can't have you.
I feel like a part of me died today. Honesty isn't easy. I suppose it was to make room for growth; for someone better. Sometimes when you look for something you want, you end up finding something that you need instead. Life has a funny way of doing that. We're on a different level and that's a path worth sharing. After everything was said, I walked away with more than I anticipated. I may not have walked away holding your hand, but you still walk the path with me on our own level.
Yeah, we don't know what God has planned for us, but I'm sure He planned for us to be in each other's lives for an awesome reason. You'll always have that special place in my heart. I'll always steal to a place of what could have been. I'll always be attracted to who you are. Either way, I didn't lose you, nor did I lose myself. It'll take a little time to heal and remember what it all means... but we'll manage.
I'm lucky to have you...so be prepared to hear that a lot. I don't ask for much in life, but it seems I got a lot more than I asked for. I got what I needed. I got you, another genuine, best friend.
*fist bump*
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
LEARNOWNVALIDATEEVOLVE
Being who I am isn’t a guaranteed payoff, but it’s the best bet I could make. I’m not going to lie, though. I’m rough around the edges and a bit soft in the middle, but I’m learning to work with what I have. After almost 2 years of having to rediscover myself after a massive identity meltdown, I learned that the growing up never ends. Oddly enough, my inner child still comes out to play, no matter what my birth year suggests.
After this retreat, I was reminded that maybe I’m not so far removed from today’s youth. I’m not stupid, but I already know the snap judgments they’d instinctively make. Let’s face it, rounding up to 30 doesn’t bring too much credibility to someone who’s half my age. Fortunately, a handful of students and leaders were beaming with relief after Saturday night’s session. Some even came to share their new-found, inner freedom with me. Their spirited words and breath-knocking hugs, was one hell of a wake up call.
All the while, I jump in the trenches as some sort of teacher and they had no idea our problems are, in essence, the same. In the past year, I’ve come across my own victories & hardships. Pain is pain. Success is success. There’s always a fair trade off whether or not we believe it’s there. Balance. What a crock; but a necessary evil sometimes. Life has a way of throwing me off balance anyway. I’ve treaded lightly with my own heart only to have it trampled by some guy who had no idea what he wanted from life. As my heart’s shrapnel remains scattered and unaccounted for, I still pray for someone who will pocket the pieces. The pursuit of love is, I think, a more universal language than math is. God, I suck at math...
I dream of days where everything makes sense, but reality has a way of being more interesting than my personal, diluted fantasy. My career feels defeated. My love life is just an abyss of unknowns. The only money that I have are in my pockets right now. Lastly, I have no idea where I’m going to go next. Even after all these hurdles I need to jump, I have to remain collected. I can't say that I'm not embarrassed about it, but I'm happy. I can actually say that I am.
I’m perfectly flawed and you know what? I’m okay with that. There’s going to be another time where I have to rediscover myself again, but at least now I’ll be better armed for the self warfare. I’m stuck in the middle, but it’s better than being too scared to leave the starting point, right?
Consider. Mark. embraced.
Being who I am isn’t a guaranteed payoff, but it’s the best bet I could make. I’m not going to lie, though. I’m rough around the edges and a bit soft in the middle, but I’m learning to work with what I have. After almost 2 years of having to rediscover myself after a massive identity meltdown, I learned that the growing up never ends. Oddly enough, my inner child still comes out to play, no matter what my birth year suggests.
After this retreat, I was reminded that maybe I’m not so far removed from today’s youth. I’m not stupid, but I already know the snap judgments they’d instinctively make. Let’s face it, rounding up to 30 doesn’t bring too much credibility to someone who’s half my age. Fortunately, a handful of students and leaders were beaming with relief after Saturday night’s session. Some even came to share their new-found, inner freedom with me. Their spirited words and breath-knocking hugs, was one hell of a wake up call.
All the while, I jump in the trenches as some sort of teacher and they had no idea our problems are, in essence, the same. In the past year, I’ve come across my own victories & hardships. Pain is pain. Success is success. There’s always a fair trade off whether or not we believe it’s there. Balance. What a crock; but a necessary evil sometimes. Life has a way of throwing me off balance anyway. I’ve treaded lightly with my own heart only to have it trampled by some guy who had no idea what he wanted from life. As my heart’s shrapnel remains scattered and unaccounted for, I still pray for someone who will pocket the pieces. The pursuit of love is, I think, a more universal language than math is. God, I suck at math...
I dream of days where everything makes sense, but reality has a way of being more interesting than my personal, diluted fantasy. My career feels defeated. My love life is just an abyss of unknowns. The only money that I have are in my pockets right now. Lastly, I have no idea where I’m going to go next. Even after all these hurdles I need to jump, I have to remain collected. I can't say that I'm not embarrassed about it, but I'm happy. I can actually say that I am.
I’m perfectly flawed and you know what? I’m okay with that. There’s going to be another time where I have to rediscover myself again, but at least now I’ll be better armed for the self warfare. I’m stuck in the middle, but it’s better than being too scared to leave the starting point, right?
Consider. Mark. embraced.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Color Purple
I rocked a purple ribbon for Spirit Day yesterday. To see my students and peers wearing purple reminded me how much love surrounds me. The cause means a lot to me.
Bullying isn't always so direct. I've been called a faggot by strangers and friends alike and it quietly hurts me. I've been harassed just walking down the street by passers-by. I've had someone said that I was an evil, diseased, disgusting person and should NEVER teach at church because I'm gay. I hate it when someone says "That's gay," or "Don't be a fag," claiming its a joke. There's NOTHING negative about being gay...or being different for that matter. There's nothing negative about being you and you shouldn't let ANYONE take your shine away. Spirit day shouldn't be one day. It should be lived for the rest of our lives. Maybe you may not take it seriously, but when it affects you personally... You'll think otherwise.
Strength is not measured by how many people are below you. It's measured by how many you're willing to lift up to a higher level.
I rocked a purple ribbon for Spirit Day yesterday. To see my students and peers wearing purple reminded me how much love surrounds me. The cause means a lot to me.
Bullying isn't always so direct. I've been called a faggot by strangers and friends alike and it quietly hurts me. I've been harassed just walking down the street by passers-by. I've had someone said that I was an evil, diseased, disgusting person and should NEVER teach at church because I'm gay. I hate it when someone says "That's gay," or "Don't be a fag," claiming its a joke. There's NOTHING negative about being gay...or being different for that matter. There's nothing negative about being you and you shouldn't let ANYONE take your shine away. Spirit day shouldn't be one day. It should be lived for the rest of our lives. Maybe you may not take it seriously, but when it affects you personally... You'll think otherwise.
Strength is not measured by how many people are below you. It's measured by how many you're willing to lift up to a higher level.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Growing up Glee
I find myself thinking about my high school experiences lately. I randomly catch myself sighing at old memories and the few trinkets I have left of my four years at Eagle Rock High. I recall the intense highs and lows that came with whatever I put my heart in. My heart beats thinking about the fear that welled up within me right before a game or performance. In fact, I still listen to the tapes (YES. I said tapes.) of my ERHS Concert Choir heydays. Whether it was a classical Palestrina piece or a nostalgic Broadway tune, I find it hard not to sing the part I learned and reliving my proud stance on those risers. I miss being a performer.
Maybe one would think that I'm living in the past; my so-called glory days. But, after watching tonight's season finale of Glee, I couldn't help but feel like I was reliving these important and difficult days of a now distant, hazy past. I find myself longing to sing a song and receive a burst of 20-second accolades from a roaring crowd. I miss the outlet of artistic expression only my body, voice and heart could produce. Standing on a stage was empowering. Being recognized beyond my social label was freeing. I knew I was special because I was a part of something special.
High school was a journey, and yes... I realize that it didn't matter where I was going. It was all about the process of "getting there." If it weren't for my teachers drilling this untapped confidence, I wouldn't be who I am.
Though I experienced my share of winning, I understand that it wasn't about victory or defeat. It was about shining as best as you could on stage. It was about being a part of something bigger than myself. It was about caring about who was on your side, even if you didn't see eye to eye. In the end, the goal was the same: to be the best only because you gave the best.
Maybe you don't like the show, but for myself, it's a sentimental and at times, haunting reflection of who I was and the struggle I went through to figure it all out on my own.
The spotlight will be on me one day. I'll have MY moment. I can feel it.
...and I hope you'll be there cheering me on.
I find myself thinking about my high school experiences lately. I randomly catch myself sighing at old memories and the few trinkets I have left of my four years at Eagle Rock High. I recall the intense highs and lows that came with whatever I put my heart in. My heart beats thinking about the fear that welled up within me right before a game or performance. In fact, I still listen to the tapes (YES. I said tapes.) of my ERHS Concert Choir heydays. Whether it was a classical Palestrina piece or a nostalgic Broadway tune, I find it hard not to sing the part I learned and reliving my proud stance on those risers. I miss being a performer.
Maybe one would think that I'm living in the past; my so-called glory days. But, after watching tonight's season finale of Glee, I couldn't help but feel like I was reliving these important and difficult days of a now distant, hazy past. I find myself longing to sing a song and receive a burst of 20-second accolades from a roaring crowd. I miss the outlet of artistic expression only my body, voice and heart could produce. Standing on a stage was empowering. Being recognized beyond my social label was freeing. I knew I was special because I was a part of something special.
High school was a journey, and yes... I realize that it didn't matter where I was going. It was all about the process of "getting there." If it weren't for my teachers drilling this untapped confidence, I wouldn't be who I am.
Though I experienced my share of winning, I understand that it wasn't about victory or defeat. It was about shining as best as you could on stage. It was about being a part of something bigger than myself. It was about caring about who was on your side, even if you didn't see eye to eye. In the end, the goal was the same: to be the best only because you gave the best.
Maybe you don't like the show, but for myself, it's a sentimental and at times, haunting reflection of who I was and the struggle I went through to figure it all out on my own.
The spotlight will be on me one day. I'll have MY moment. I can feel it.
...and I hope you'll be there cheering me on.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
How Do You Describe a Feeling?
You never really see him coming until he's kissing your cheek. At that point, it's just too late. I fell. I fell hard because I wasn't really looking. I never thought I'd have the strength to pick myself up the way I have in these past months... ONLY to fall flat on my face over a guy... again. I fell really hard before and I guess that didn't pan out too well for me. Yeah, you know who you are... and you have a blue primate to show for it. ;P
It was supposed to be a night where 3 friends reconnected over drinks and conversation. I had gone out to dinner to see a refreshingly committed couple. The Saint Felix was a venue I had never visited before in West Hollywood. A quiet, comforting chatter floated in the candlelight. The dimly lit lounge offered much more than a false sense of romance and mystery. I was comfortable and excited to catch up with my buds. The goods were delicious and the conversation even more so.
Afterward, we headed out to Micky's. My interest was piqued only because I haven't been there since the place had burned down several months prior. Upon exploring the building, I spotted an old acquaintance leaning on the threshold between the indoor bar and the patio. Unsure if he recognized me, I approached him as he continued to sadly hang his head low. Though melancholy, he looked at me with such a glimmer in his eye. He smiled and asked, "Mark?!" Awesome. He totally remembered me. I never really told him how attractive I thought he was when we met in passing years ago. However, my slight inebriation broke that spell after he admitted that he had a crush on me back then too. He offered a Washington Apple shot to get the ball rolling and I asked him to join our group. We started to -- whatever it is people do when don't know each other but talk about their respective lives. It's definitely bigger than small talk and I wouldn't really call it "catching up" if there wasn't a foundation to build from. In any case, we talked. We exchanged information. We danced. We flirted. We kissed. Oh Lord, did we KISS. I honestly kind of felt like I had been ignoring the two people I had originally come with. It wasn't long until my friends felt the need to leave. No. It wasn't because they weren't having a good time. It was the fact they couldn't stay awake to have one. They lived in the area, so I guess they found it best to walk back home. After an unexpected, alcohol-induced night, he drove us to IHOP to sober up. I remember that i was being quite the flirt. We engaged in conversation and had a little romantic moment out in the parking lot. Honestly, I didn't know what it meant, but I liked the attention.
After sobering up, he drove me back to his car so he could go home too. There seemed to be a connection brewing between us as we continued our conversation well into the morning... about 4:45 am, for those who were wondering.
...and every time we part ways, it's just as hard to let him go.
So, yes. This is how I met Howard... and this was the beginning of something great. I learned that you don't find love. It has a way of finding you.
You never really see him coming until he's kissing your cheek. At that point, it's just too late. I fell. I fell hard because I wasn't really looking. I never thought I'd have the strength to pick myself up the way I have in these past months... ONLY to fall flat on my face over a guy... again. I fell really hard before and I guess that didn't pan out too well for me. Yeah, you know who you are... and you have a blue primate to show for it. ;P
It was supposed to be a night where 3 friends reconnected over drinks and conversation. I had gone out to dinner to see a refreshingly committed couple. The Saint Felix was a venue I had never visited before in West Hollywood. A quiet, comforting chatter floated in the candlelight. The dimly lit lounge offered much more than a false sense of romance and mystery. I was comfortable and excited to catch up with my buds. The goods were delicious and the conversation even more so.
Afterward, we headed out to Micky's. My interest was piqued only because I haven't been there since the place had burned down several months prior. Upon exploring the building, I spotted an old acquaintance leaning on the threshold between the indoor bar and the patio. Unsure if he recognized me, I approached him as he continued to sadly hang his head low. Though melancholy, he looked at me with such a glimmer in his eye. He smiled and asked, "Mark?!" Awesome. He totally remembered me. I never really told him how attractive I thought he was when we met in passing years ago. However, my slight inebriation broke that spell after he admitted that he had a crush on me back then too. He offered a Washington Apple shot to get the ball rolling and I asked him to join our group. We started to -- whatever it is people do when don't know each other but talk about their respective lives. It's definitely bigger than small talk and I wouldn't really call it "catching up" if there wasn't a foundation to build from. In any case, we talked. We exchanged information. We danced. We flirted. We kissed. Oh Lord, did we KISS. I honestly kind of felt like I had been ignoring the two people I had originally come with. It wasn't long until my friends felt the need to leave. No. It wasn't because they weren't having a good time. It was the fact they couldn't stay awake to have one. They lived in the area, so I guess they found it best to walk back home. After an unexpected, alcohol-induced night, he drove us to IHOP to sober up. I remember that i was being quite the flirt. We engaged in conversation and had a little romantic moment out in the parking lot. Honestly, I didn't know what it meant, but I liked the attention.
After sobering up, he drove me back to his car so he could go home too. There seemed to be a connection brewing between us as we continued our conversation well into the morning... about 4:45 am, for those who were wondering.
...and every time we part ways, it's just as hard to let him go.
So, yes. This is how I met Howard... and this was the beginning of something great. I learned that you don't find love. It has a way of finding you.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Letter to a Stylist Friend
When people come in your your life, it's usually for a reason and with purpose. Through my rough times I yearned for change. My self proclaimed quarter-life-crisis has offered me opportunities to change... and sadly, not all changes were positive. I suffered for the improvement of my sense of self and my personal independence.
You, a complete stranger, came into my life as a stylist. Now, to most, that role in one's life may not be as significant as the surface reflects. However, after you cut my hair for the first time in November, you helped me feel positive about myself again. I hadn't felt anything positive going on until I proactively took steps to improve, and you were one of my first steps: physical change must lead to mental change. I had been so hard on myself before I sat in your chair. My self-esteem finally got that boost I unknowingly sought after. I was empowered.
At that moment, I've decided that I REALLY am able to grow as a person without craving the needless validation of others. I know it seems crazy that something as simple as a haircut could severely skew a point of view. I know you were just doing your job... and it was your effervescence & personality that allowed you to connect with me on a personal, "wienery" level... and for that I am grateful.
I recognize that you and your services weren't the only catalyst to my personal exploration... However, if I learned anything in life, it's to recognize and thank those you strongly believe deserve to hear it. I'm the kind of guy who often gets overlooked and holds his own behind the scenes without question or need for recognition. I understand the value and power of gratitude.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, "thanks." Thanks for allowing me to feel good about myself when I forgot how to. Thanks for seeing who I really am as a person and not just so much as a customer. Thanks for knowing what to do with not only my hair, but my personality... and thank you for just being you and sharing your talents that allow me to be better.
Maybe I dare to straddle the line between client and friend, but I feel that, at the very least, I must express my gratitude. Your talent has more power than you realize.
Here's to more empowering visits to come...
-Mark
When people come in your your life, it's usually for a reason and with purpose. Through my rough times I yearned for change. My self proclaimed quarter-life-crisis has offered me opportunities to change... and sadly, not all changes were positive. I suffered for the improvement of my sense of self and my personal independence.
You, a complete stranger, came into my life as a stylist. Now, to most, that role in one's life may not be as significant as the surface reflects. However, after you cut my hair for the first time in November, you helped me feel positive about myself again. I hadn't felt anything positive going on until I proactively took steps to improve, and you were one of my first steps: physical change must lead to mental change. I had been so hard on myself before I sat in your chair. My self-esteem finally got that boost I unknowingly sought after. I was empowered.
At that moment, I've decided that I REALLY am able to grow as a person without craving the needless validation of others. I know it seems crazy that something as simple as a haircut could severely skew a point of view. I know you were just doing your job... and it was your effervescence & personality that allowed you to connect with me on a personal, "wienery" level... and for that I am grateful.
I recognize that you and your services weren't the only catalyst to my personal exploration... However, if I learned anything in life, it's to recognize and thank those you strongly believe deserve to hear it. I'm the kind of guy who often gets overlooked and holds his own behind the scenes without question or need for recognition. I understand the value and power of gratitude.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, "thanks." Thanks for allowing me to feel good about myself when I forgot how to. Thanks for seeing who I really am as a person and not just so much as a customer. Thanks for knowing what to do with not only my hair, but my personality... and thank you for just being you and sharing your talents that allow me to be better.
Maybe I dare to straddle the line between client and friend, but I feel that, at the very least, I must express my gratitude. Your talent has more power than you realize.
Here's to more empowering visits to come...
-Mark
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