I wish I could do more.
You have no idea how much you inspire me.
To me, you hold the moon.

I need you to be strong.
I need you to be patient.
I need you.

Hang in there.
Do your best.
Be your best.

Beb, I love you.

I haven't had a chance to tell you that today. I know you read this... =)

Please be patient with me. I have to deal with these new changes too. We'll be okay. After all is said and done...I'm still here with you and you're still with me.

A boy can't be any luckier. I love you.

Today threw me for a loop.

The first day of school was a little hard to get through because of my lack of sleep. Well, I guess it's to be expected during the first week of school. I have a new thing to juggle around and I just have to get used to it. It's gonna be a tad rough this week, but school is school right? bleh.

Work was bad enough. I decided to take a nap so I wouldn't be so tired at work. My alarm didn't wake me up and I was over 30 minutes late to work. Thankfully, there were no consequences this time. You better believe I'm not going to make that a habit. haha. The hours ended up working itself out. The shift was tedious, strange and frustrating...even closing the registers was a pain to solve. There were 2 huge mistakes that needed my attention and I ended up getting a call to add to the window display at the late in the shift. I have to get it done since the GM is going to be opening tomorrow. I ended up staying about an hour later just to get things in gear for tomorrow. I even had 2 near death experiences too...but I guess they were more humorous than they were tragic. ha.

I didn't come home to a "hello." Let alone an "I love you too." I think the longest conversation we had tonight was, "Mark, you need to learn time management," and I responded with "Yeah, I guess I need to learn a lot of things."

Maybe you're right. Inspiration and motivation should only come from within. I'm sure as hell not getting any support elsewhere...so maybe I should look inside and get it done myself. Who am I to want someone to understand me or at least listen to me? "How your day?" you ask? You didn't. Am I asking for too much? I don't know. Possibly, I am. Possibly I'm just CRAZY too. I just don't know anymore.

Mad? Hell yeah.
Frustrated? Fuck yah.
Willing to work at things? Of course I am.

The worst part is, it's payday on Friday no one will be around this weekend and I'm actually off on Saturday. There's nothing to look forward to and it looks like there's no relief from the rest of the week ahead. Maybe I should learn how to manage my time since I'm going to be spending a lot of the weekend by myself.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I'm not expecting much for the rest of this week. So hopefully I'll be impressed.

Thanks for listening Mr. Blog...I really needed someone to type to.

Despite the fact I had the worst sleep of my life last night, I think my school day has been going pretty well so far.

I'm hoping for a lot of progress this semester. PUSH ME!!! MAKE ME DO HOMEWORK. UNLAZIFY ME!!!

I'm dreading the ride home...I'm sleepy and I have work at 5.

blargh. yuck. sleepy. poo. (hee hee...."poo")

I know what I want for my birthday...hahaha.

I think "poo" is a funny word.

hee hee...

If you pre order at Toys R Us...you get a free plush

*ahem*

I was just thinking about how this year has been treating me. Someone told me that 2005 was my year. Now that I really sit and think about it (since it's my day off and I woke up like an hour ago...) I have no reason to complain about what I've received this year.

1. RnL and I reached our one year - despite all of our ups and downs.
2. I managed to get a great job with so many opportunities for me.
3. I've met the greatest friends I could ever ask for.
4. I got to meet another one of my best friends.
5. DISNEYLAND, Nor Cal, Vegas, and San Diego were the hotspots of the year.
6. Some walls were torn down between a particular person and I.
7. I've just been so happy about everything in general.


There's so much more. I've been thinking about how this past summer proved to be part of one of the best years I've had in a while. Upon my realization of me being selfish and close minded, I became really excited about my birthday. I haven't been so excited about it too often. Yeah, 23 isn't exactly a milestone age, but I think that it will be this year.

Wow my birthday is coming up. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

22 days and counting.

VAGINA i hope this wastes a text message VAGINA

I get the coolest text messages. Thanks Daryl. haha. That totally made my day.

It's official.

I'm on financial LOCKDOWN.

I found it and now I'm blogging with my PSP! I love it! Okay...time to sleep. Mark is a happy boy! wheeeeee!!!

ARGH!!! Where oh where is my USB cable for my PSP?!

I WANT TO UPDATE THE SOFTWARE...NOW!!!

blah...*pout*

I've decided to take a little more control over my life right now. I am planning to keep better track of my money. If I'm planning to make some big purchases and pay off some debt...You better believe that I have to save some money. So, I should keep better track of my spending. I've devised a chart to fill everytime I use my debit card. I also provided myself with an envelope to keep track of the receipts and payslips. I'm not sure when I'll purge them, but I'm sure I'll get a feel for it.

Speaking of money, it turns out that my wage hasn't kicked in yet so my hours were just as good as an associate. Ugh. I hope I get retroed for that. Anyway, being that it was our one year anniversary 9 days ago...I wasn't able to afford my gift for him at the time because of my low wages. Well, unfortunately...I still have low wages and I decided to just buy it anyway. I can starve for 2 weeks. It's not that hard. ha. I'm just going to have to budget and sacrifice more. Besides, it's worth it to see him happy and call me "crazy."

I have some other goals that have come up in the past few days. I realized that I can be so much better if I just organize and motivate myself.

Change is good. Having motivation and support to change...is EVEN BETTER.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad... I guess I'm just aloof. heh. Don't you ever just feel the need to write even when there's nothing really worth writing about? Yeah. I'm weird. I guess I'll recap what happened yesterday. That'll entertain you for a spell.

I made a checklist of stuff to do on my day off. I wanted to be productive yesterday. To my surprise, I did 90% of my list. The only things I didn't do were my loads of laundry. I decided to hold off until today.

When I went to my store yesterday, I thought I was only coming in to say hi and check my schedule. I ended up fixing the computer and the printer while having an impromptu 90 minute meeting with the GM. I was the only one who really knew how to fix the computer stuff... I guess I'm just the geek of the group. heh.

I really like the company and my employers aren't some faceless CEO's. I actually know the head of operations personally...and she likes me! I want to keep in contact with them. They really know how to treat and train their employees.

I mean I thought I was mad when I was woken up at 630 this morning to iron his shirt. I got over it pretty fast though. ha. Now, I'm up and it's too early to get anything done but have breakfast and call the CSUN Art Department. I might not go to school this semester. ugh.

Another day...another (you fill in the blank).

I really want to customize my layout...get some design practice...any ideas? ha.

It's funny how things happen when you least expect it. I just got home from work and a rose was waiting for me. It was from Lei. A simple rose...a reminder of growth and maturity...a symbol of love and respect.

All of a sudden I realize that I'm pretty lucky to have what I have. I couldn't help but smile a little inside.

Wow, my birtday's coming up. What did I want? What do I need? Someone asked what I want...and it had to be tangible.

Yes, the best gifts are the ones that are the most thought out...not the ones that cost the most money. I was never really a super rich kid, but I was well off enough to get the nice things I wanted...even if it wasn't considered the best. I'm happy with nothing more than a smile, hug, and a greeting.

BUT if you must know what I lack...here's a list. ha.

1. Nikon Coolpix 8800 or 8700 with a 2.0 GB CF card to go with it
2. Apple Powerbook G4
3. A Disneyland Premium Passport
4. A 1.0 or 2.0 GB Jumpdrive for school.
5. The Musical History of Disneyland (after seeing what it had to offer...i had to have it.)

These are only the the top 5 that i can think of off the top of my head...there's more i guess...but this is the "elite slash unreasonable" list. heh.

But seriously, it doesn't matter what it is...as long as it's from the heart. I don't really deserve anything that expensive! ha.

I hate the feeling when you want to say something to someone but you don't know how to really say it because you're afraid of hurting their feelings. I guess there isn't really a nice way to say some things, but I suppose it's better to be honest rather than just keep it inside.

I learned that I should be honest with my friends. I also learned that there are appropriate times to say certain things.

In other news, I'm just bored. REALLY bored. Unhappy bored. Wanting to be productive bored...

I need to get outta here.

argh.

is5LLy@6k2Bms5
bgegK%Jggptmt9

- LOVE DARYL

I haven't been on the net for 3 days. HA. weird. Lots has passed.

- Happy Anniversary RnL! I love you sooooo much. COME HOME SAFELY! I miss you!
- Work has been pretty good so far. I'm learning a lot.
- Happy birthday Peter!

There's more but I'm too lazy. ha.

When you're angry with the world and down on yourself, you say things that aren't really rational. I didn't mean to upset anyone, but then again, when I say stupid things I end up pissing people off. I guess I'm good at that. I was hurt, sad, and angry with someone and myself. This is my journal and I'm entitled to say things, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I upset and offended people. I'm really sorry.

To My Dearest Lei,
I am truly ashamed and embarassed. I never wanted to upset you... I really don't really deserve anything from anyone after being so selfish about things. I feel so bad for ruining my own surprise. I love you for working so hard to make someone like me happy. Thank you and I'm sorry.

I was asked if I was going to put a birthday list up. I'm not really sure if I should this year. Birthdays? Well, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of them in general, but it's just that most people don't make a big deal about mine, so why should I? I don't care. They don't care. Everyone wins.

My life has been slowly falling apart. I've been missing so much in my life and it's all my fault. I haven't been going to church. I haven't been going to confirmation. I need to go back. I need to be more responsible with a lot of things right now. Now, I'm in a place where I never wanted to be. I never thought I'd have to be in a shadow like this one. I still cry every night. I still have trouble sleeping. I hardly eat. The only thing that's going for me is my job, but who cares if everything else in my life is a mess? I guess that's the story of my life. I'm a messy guy who can't get life right.

I need to just disappear. I need to feel like I matter. I hate myself right now.

I hate my life.

I can tell that my dad is on top of the world right now.

He just told us he just got the job for the Marriot in the accounting department. I can see the fire in his voice. He's actually giving me words of encouragement. He's inspired and he's motivating me to get this website done. After all, it's for the good of the family. I can tell that he's excited because a lot of positive changes are happening here in the house.

I'm smiling. I love my dad.

I finally was able to get my dad's website off the ground. Personally, I like the design. ha. I just hope that he likes the branding, colors, and all that other good crap that I'm in charge of. I suppose I should take advantage of my full artistic freedom for this project. ha.

Anyway, I think I'm doing okay considering that the hubby's gone. I really appreciate the fact that he takes time out of his day just to say hi...even if its for just a little bit. It makes me feel better.

I'm still feeling weird I guess. I've been tossing and turning in my sleep and waking up at about 8:30. Even if the rest is at least 6 hours, I just don't feel rested.

I don't have much of an appetite either. I mean I eat when I have to but I feel sick when I finish eating. I feel like throwing it all up. yuck. I dunno, I know I should eat, but it's really discouraging if you feel nauseated right after.

Well, I'm off to do some personal projects and some cleaning. I'm sure RnL would be more than happy to come home to a clean living space...

I love you. I miss you.

Well, I ended up closing the store by myself today. I've never done that before and I didn't really have much help either. I was all alone and I took my time to make sure I did everything right... I also got my wage today. I was pleasantly surprised. It looks like that car is really in my sights...but I also realized that it'll be easy to pay off my debt in a month or two. I'm excited and motivated.

I'm off tomorrow, but RnL is GONE. =( I miss him so much.

Hmmm I'm gonna get paid tomorrow........wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!

That dumbass forgot something and drove back home for a split second. LOL. Cute. REALLY cute. hahaha.

This is going to be an interesting 10 days.

Arnell just left for his trip to Maui tonight. I always get sad right before he leaves. I'm such a wuss. I can't help it though. I hate watching him drive away. It's cute how he looks back just to tell me to stop looking like a sad puppy in a doorway. I'm going to miss him, especially on the 10th. That day would be our first year mark. I can't believe that I've been with him that long already. I suppose time flies when you're having fun, right? One year doesn't seem like a long time, but in GAY years, that's marriage status already. ha.

I guess I can keep busy. I have a new job now and I have lots of projects to keep myself occupied. At the end of each day, I'll go to my empty room and wonder what he's up to...and cry myself to sleep...and then the cycle will continue for almost 2 weeks.(Fuck you Peter! hahaha)

He deserves a vacation from work, life, responsibilities, me... It'll be good for him. I know that he wants to spend time with his family and he should.

I can't wait till you get home. You'll be a happier person and so will I.


So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go

cuz I'm leaving on a jet plane
dunno when I'll be back again
oh babe, I hate to go.

I think I'm more upset over the fact that things between us are growing and getting better and he had to leave. I don't want the progress to stop.

Beb, I hope you come home safely. I hope you come home with a renewed sense of self and love. I hope that all the things that have been bothering you lately go away and stay in Maui. I hope you love me more than when you left home.

God, I need to stop. I'm crying again. (fucking wuss)

I love you. I miss you already.

ALOHA!

Going to Disneyland for the weekend was totally a good way to end July. You all know how messed up it was for me not to go how many times because of the crap that would happen to me.

DAY 1: We went to Peter's for the night to visit him and figured that we'd go to the park from his place. It's always fun visiting Peter. We all ended up sleeping late. Peter had to wake up early because he had work that day and RnL slept in a little. I stayed up because I was so excited to go. HA. I felt like such a little kid. RnL woke up a little late and we left a little later than we had liked, but it didn't really matter. Arnell had 2 day park-hoppers for the both of us so I knew that we had plenty of time to do what we wanted to do.

We got there at about 1 pm and after parking and the tram ride we were at the gates by 1:20. I was so excited! I was going to be walking down main street with Arnell for the first time. THe line wasn't long so we walked over to the gate. I hand my ticket to the attendant with a smile and I was ready to start the day. The ticket machine made a sad noise and the attendant looks at me and says, "Um, these tickets are expired. They've been used twice already." My eyes widened. I didn't know that my Aunt gave us the tickets...so apparently no one knew that they were janky tickets.

I knew it. Why would Disneyland want to take me in? It's worked so hard to keep me out for 2 years and now I'm at the gate and access was DENIED. I was CRUSHED. We ended up having to get in line and buy tickets at the booth. I was so sad and frustrated. I could see the concern in Arnell's face. He decided to buy me a 2 day hopper while he got himself a Premium Pass.

We finally get in the park and the first thing we decided to do was Space Mountain. We grabbed some fast passes and decided to wait in line. It was about a 60 minute wait. About 40 minutes into the line we were told that there were some "technical difiiculties" and they weren't sure how long it would take to get back up. I was disspointed once again. Strike two.

Arnell decided to stay in line just in case. I figured that we stayed in line that long and we might as well go for it. 95% of the people left so we were pretty much in the front of the line. About another hour later, we were issued re-entry passes that would be good anytime the ride is open that day. So, we ended up with 2 passes, one for anytime we wanted and another late at night.

It was a really frustrating day after that though. We wanted to try different rides, but everytime I suggested it, the ride would break down...or the line would be WAAAY too long.

We decided to ditch the main park and hit up California Adventure instead. It was less crowded and at least the Tower of Terror would be open. Let me tell you that the Tower was off the hook. It scared the crap outta me...it shows in the first picture that we took. haha. We had a great lunch and rode the Maliboomer and Mullholland Madness. We spent most of the day at DCA.

We closed the night off doing Space Mountain twice and watching Fantasmic! He knew that it was my favorite show and we waited for it, so we had super awesome seats.

DAY 2: After some convincing, we got Peter to join us this time. The first thing we did was get some fast passes for Space Mountain. ha. We went to innoventions to see all the goodies. Peter whined, "Aww, I wanna see ASIMO." Lieterally, the moment he finished that statement, an attendant for the ASIMO theater came up to us and asked if we wanted to see the ASIMO show because it was going to start in 5 minutes and he had extra spots. We didn't hesitate to accept. The show was so cute and it made me want an ASIMO. hahaha. We were farting around the buidling and then we decided to play with the Interactive Stitch. I was surprised to see Maw Maw John and Mark Cow! I had no idea that they were there and surprised us at Innoventions. It just made that day so much more fun. That interactive stitch was the cutest thing. hahaha.

We all enjoyed the day, but we all decided to close the night off with some fireworks. We staked a place in front of the castle and waited for 90 minutes. It was totally worth it. I've never seen the fireworks in front of the castle before. I've always wanted to see it. The show was fucking awesome and the damn thing got me all teary eyed. I loved it.

:::::::::::::::::

I'm so grateful that Arnell took me to DLR and DCA. I feel like the luckiest boy in the world. I had a great time with my boyfriend and my best friends. I'll never forget all the good times. I love you guys. I love you Arnell. I love my gold ears and my stitch mits! haha.

Remember the Magic. Yeah, I'm sure I will. *sigh*

This past weekend was the best way to end July.

To Maw, Mark, Peter, Taylor, & Camille...

I'll describe the weekend later...