Oh Poe...you really know how to make a guy feel loved. Thanks for the phone call. Love you sister. haha.

I find myself thinking about a lot of things lately. There have been a few complications here and there but nothing that I can't fix. I just had to push a few things up. (Sorry about practice guys!)

I'm not sure what to think about myself. I really want to change a lot. I REALLY gotta get my room cleaned ASAP. I want to change this layout. I was so set to do so today, but I was a tad distracted.

I feel as if something is weighing me down today. I'm not upset...I'm just feeling really useless at the moment.

I feel unattractive.
I feel dirty.
I feel poor.
I feel stupid.
I feel useless.
I feel weird.

But...I'm not sad.

Money is still really tight at the moment. I still don't get enough hours. I'm still collecting cans. I never thought that I'd have to resort to that. I'm even going to sell some clothes. I'm going to sell some of my clothes. I'm already hand picking a couple of FCUK shirts and some jeans to get rid of. If it comes down to it, I'm going to sell that black denim jacket my mom bought for me a while back. I don't really wear it, but it just means a lot to me. heh. How stupid. I'm working, yet I'm selling my clothes. I also remembered that I might be able to sell my books after the summer school rush. I wasn't able to do so since none of my books were needed.

MONEY! ARGH! The cause and solution to all of life's problems.

Fucking CSUN...the advisor didn't release the hold and now i can't fucking register for any of my classes. I did EVERYTHING right this time and something still manages to mess up. Damn. That sucks.

Great...if I don't get the classes I need, Lord knows how much longer it's gonna be for me to graduate. FUCK.

Wow the previous post was my 1,234th post! (Okay that was SOOO trivial...hahaha)

Back to my entry for the night...

Change.

It's something that we can't change. There has been a lot of shifts in my comfort zone lately, but I think I'm all settled and ready to keep moving. I'm not saying that all of the changes were negative, they're just all fact of the matter. That's all. Negativity only paves the way to positive vibes if you allow it.

My outlook on myself has definately changed. I've tried to a better friend, brother, uncle, and mentor after embracing my "shift." It was something that I needed to take and work with it. My new outlook at the moment is: "If you can't hide it...decorate it." There are parts of me that aren't so desiratble so I guess I'm just gonna have to make the most of my circumstances.

My outlook with certain people and colleagues have changed as well. I think that I'm more comfortable with my place and with my role as a friend. Honesty is hard to give as it is to receive. That's all I have to say about that.

My outlook on men has changed as well. I'm not in that "fuck em. I don't care anymore." kind of mode. I'm just going to accept that I am single; plain and simple. Why should a "caller" have to suffer because of past guys who didn't work out? Every case is different... I'm not gonna expect someone to just walk in my workplace and just ask me out for coffee. It doesn't happen that way. Yeah, I may have some void inside that a boyfriend could fill...but I guess right now, it's not really a priority. Besides, with downe friends like mine, I feel wanted and loved already. Love is meant to be taken slowly and sometimes with a grain of salt. I should stop taking myself so seriously sometimes.

To my new friends who "found each other"

First off...THANKS FOR TELLING ME ASSES! Someone else had to tell me! Sheesh. I feel out of the loop! haha. jk.

I hope that things work out for you. You guys are both good friends of mine and I'm there for you guys. =)

Okay, it's getting late and I have to wake up tomorrow...eventually. haha. It's vacation time and I'm off...sleeping in is a MUST. Thanks for sticking through this entry...my posts have been pretty hefty lately.

G O O D N I G H T.

Money has been really tight for me right now... I keep getting calls from the creditors to pay my bills. I want to be able to go to Vegas at least ONCE this summer and I have to be able to fund a trip to Seattle this August.

The fact is, I don't get enough hours and I don't make nearly enough money to support myself at all.

Sigh. this is what I plan to do to make money.

1) collect cans
2) deal poker rather than play it
3) NO clubbing unless it's free
4) NO unnecessary driving
5) sell my clothes
6) middleman in illegal activities? haha.
7) set up a donation paypal box on my website.
8) look for a new job!

I'm determined to make this trip. I dont have anything to look forward to this summer if this trip goes under.

FUCKING PAC SUN! GIMME HOURS!

no one call me till further notice.

...long story. nothing bad... just long.

Okay, this was WAY too funny to not write about. I know its really a messed up hour right now but I felt the need to share this with you.

So there's this guy that IMs me and we talk on rare occasion. It seems that he's sexually attracted to me...nothing more. He's trying to find clever ways to get into my pants...or at least trying to get me into his. In any case. I find it amusing that he thinks that I'm crazy enough to hook up with him. The first time he wanted to meet me at Rage...but I ended up not going since the group unanimously decided to have a low budget kind of night. I didn't tell him. I don't need to. Anyway, he asked me to go with him because he had a hotel room. Now why would I want to go to his room, spend the night there and have him drive me home, when I can drive myself home? Yeah. It's a smidge obvious what his intentions were. Anyway, thats not the story...Tonight I was up late IMing people here and there and he IMs me. I'm going to paraphrase the conversation for you...

him: hey
me: hi
him: how are you?
me: i'm good. can't sleep and i'm kinda bored
him: yeah me too. i'm watching porn
me: hahaha i see
him: wanna do something?
me: why? it's like 3:30 am. what's there to do? (me pretending to be naive and innocent here)
him: jack off?
him: why don't you cum over?
me: haha. I'm not THAT bored. I took care of my shit anyway. (fabricating an excuse and explaining why i'm not horny and willing to play his game)
him: did you cum a lot?
him: how big are you?
me: Why don't you take care of that and I'll wait right here. It sounds like that porno got you worked up.
***doesn't respond for the rest of the night***

First off, does he really think that I'm going to fall for his "charming" invitation to engage in meaningless sex? I'll admit that it's a boost for my ego...but there's no way I'm going to reduce myself into being someone's sex toy. I mean, it's kind of fun to pretend that I'm so naive and that I don't know what he's leading to. It's amusing to me that I'm being pleasant in response to his requests and insinuations. Okay...it's fun being a cocktease. My ego needs that boost. I could easily say "no" in a bitchy way. But where's the fun in that?

He has no idea who he's dealing with. I'm not some male bimbo ready to pounce on the first ass that hits on me. Sheesh. Men these days...and you wonder why I'm not feeling a relationship right now. haha.

I don't think he reads this...but if he does:
Don't embarass yourself by trying to get me in your bed. I know better than that. I think with my mind and heart, not my cock. If you have other things to talk about besides sex then I'm willing to listen. Your lines and invitations may have worked on other guys...but I'm not like that.

Men. Can't live with em...can't live without em. ha.

It hurts my heart when all I can do is imagine someone suffering and there's nothing that I can do to stop it. Hardship isn't something we all want to witness.

I just got a phone call from a close friend tonight and it literally stopped my heart. In an instant I wanted to cry. I wanted to just pray that everything would be okay. I wish that I was the one who had to go through that...not my friend. I wish I could have done something to stop it.

I'm still in shock.

Dear friend, always know that I'm here to ease your pains, listen to your sorrows, pray for your soul, and carry you when you cannot walk. I am truly sorry for what happened. Never give in and never give up.

In lieu of father's day, I thought that it would only be appropriate to write about fathers...

A few of the most influential people in my life have been fathers. First off, the greatest father who ever lived was such a big part of my life. My grandfather, Abner Kaiklian is the reason why I have so much respect for my father. He's the reason why I don't smoke. He's the reason why I don't fight with my brother and cousins. He has been the voice of reason for the whole family; a true king. For over 18 years his words will always ring in my head. I will never forget his words whenever I would be impatient..."by and by...it will come by and by." I'll never forget the magic tricks, the stories, and his laugh. I will always love my lolo.

My dad...sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to work as many hours as he does. Day in and day out he tirelessly toils over work just trying to provide for us. We get much more than we deserve as a family from him. He makes sure that we're happy and well taken care of. He sacrifices so much; his time, energy, money...and sometimes sanity. I love him very much and I know that he never stopped loving me. I am really fortunate to have a father figure like him.

My brother...he is such a dedicated dad. He takes fatherhood seriously and also with a spoonful of sugar. I can't think of a more suitable successor of my lolo and my dad. Scott is one lucky kid to have Sim as a dad.

I hope one day I'll be a dad.

Happy father's day to all dads, lolos, godfathers, and all types of father figures. Thanks for making the world a better place.

Last night was fun. Drinking, dancing, and dodging...

I'm not really in the mood to write too much. I needed that time to have some fun and forget my troubles. I got manhandled. Good times though.

Things are still rocky...but its all good.

I'm back.

It's always good to take time out for yourself. I needed time to just stop and think things over for myself. I didn't need people screaming in my ear. I didn't need more outside opinions to confuse or bias my thought process.

So what did I come out with? Apparently, I come off arrogant. That's fine. I can be a real bitch sometimes. I can be real critical of a lot of things. I can stand for what I believe in and be confident about it. No matter what I do or how I appear doing it...I don't mean to hurt people. It's not something I do. Why should it bug me that someone pointed out my supposed arrogance?

I've been told that someone who gets knocked down a lot should be able to assert himself.

I've been told that someone who is confident can be quite intimidating to others.

I've been told that I have the attitude and mentality of an artist.

I've been told that I'm anal retentive.

...but no matter what I've been told, I know who I am. Only I dictate who I am. No one has the right to compromise my character. I know what I stand for. I understand the complexities of my nature. Besides God, no one else does. So why should I beat myself up over people who cannot embrace the good and the bad in me? Why should I have to question my ideals, morals, beliefs, opinions, or actions?

Everyone can be arrogant to some extent. It's all relative. Each of us take pride in different things and people.

***********

Not everything in my world is fixed. I still hurt inside. I have pieces missing inside. There are still questions unanswered and there are still wounds that I need to tend to. I'm back up on my feet, but I still need to reach my pace again.

Thank you to those who have helped me through these rough days. Thank you to those who expressed their concern and for their patience. I'm not always an easy person to deal with, but if you truly knew me...I'm really not as bad as I lead some people to believe.

Things won't be the same anymore...but then again, change is inevitable.

I'm talking to John (Clapper) while I write this ((HI JOHN!))

I guess I never really stopped to think how much the Homies Bestest group has grown. Last night, Justin and Jad graduated from Bishop Montgomery and today John will be graduating from Ayala High. Stop and think about this for a second. As a group, we haven't been "together" as long it seems...yet we share so much together. We are there to support each other at the worst parts of our lives and obviously the greatest moments and acheivements. We've shared so much. We've changed so much. We're all growing together and I'm extremely grateful for for them.

This summer holds a lot of promise. It's totally the summer of the seagull. We're going to have to enjoy our time together since big changes are ahead.

Congratulations to the Homies Bestest/Lesbian Seagulls class of 2004!

I love you.

Thank you.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope we have the time of our lives."

I'm glad that I didn't have to work for the past few days. I needed some time to regenerate and replenish the mind, body & soul. I'm seriously considering taking off Sundays so I can go back to choir. This is the first time in 8 years that my attendance was a little off balance. heh. I miss confirmation too. I can't wait for leadership training to start.

Last night was something I needed. Shoe and clapper really made me feel beter. Spending time with the guys is the best remedy for what ails you. We all forgot what was bugging me to begin with. haha. We scoped the area for some fun and even checked out some downe guys just for fun. Our score was 19 I think. haha. I guess some of us LS boys were kinda bad vibin' for a while. Each of us have been going through a lot lately. So much is going on...espeically now that we're planning on going on a roadtrip this August. I'm excited to take that trip...and I don't have a problem planning it out. heh. We're all growing up and growing closer...it takes work sometimes, but it's worth it.

I don't need a man to validate me. In fact, I don't need ANYONE to validate who I am. I may not be crossing ideal guys right now...but in due time I will. When my world is ready for a relationship it will come. I've been getting a lot of support from friends and family. Even my parents are wondering why I'm still single. They even occasionally ask about my ex-boyfriend from time to time. My brother hears all of the goings on with me and men and gives me open minded and great advice...so I'll take it. Relationships aren't a main priority on my list right now. Sex? hahaha. That can totally wait. It's not what I'm looking for anyway. Though I've got some offers to hook up, it's not my style. Meaningless sex is exactly what it is...meaningless.

I still have a few loose ends to take care of but...one day at a time. That's all. It's also a good thing I'm making good use of my palm pilot. It's keeping me organized with meetings, graduations, parties, work, church, and appointments. hahaha. It's nice to have a grasp on time.

In the meantime...GO LAKERS! I HOPE THEY WIN TONIGHT!

Gotta go. The bro and I are hittin up the local Starbucks.

A prayer for myself and for the friends who need peace of mind, body, and soul...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference
living on day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it
trusting that You will make things right if I surrender to Your will
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You in the next.

Amen

Maybe we've drifted over time. Maybe we don't see eye to eye all the time, but no matter what happens... I love you just the same. What kind of brother's don't fight? What kind of human doesn't err? Let us open the door for you rather than you opening it for us. No one has to give till it hurts...because if hurt is all of you have left...that's what you'll give away. Trust. Compassion. Understanding. Love. Care. Companionship. Humor. We all offer that to you. Take it. You say I'm strong...but I'm weak when you fall.

Give us a glimpse of what you think and feel and maybe we can be there to support you. We're there to pick you up and if you can't walk...we'll carry you. There are 5 people you KNOW that will rescue you. The reason why the hurt is still inside, it's because you don't bring it out to show us. How can we help those who do not show their need for it? Trust us.

Things will change. This summer will certainly bring about a lot of it. We're all in a struggle finding ourselves and our place among each other...but it doesn't mean that we have to make the journey alone.

A true friend should be able to hug you when you're untouchable.
A true friend should be able to cheer when the rest of the world is booing.
A true friend can see the best and worst in you and be able to embrace the contrast.
A true friend does not carry the cross for you...rather gives you a helping hand.

We're here...

at the very least...I'm here.

Never underestimate the power of a LS boy...

Justin...I lied. I didn't go back to sleep.

I read what you said and thats something that I needed to be reminded of. I guess I thought that this time wasn't gonna be a fluke. I thought this time I had a chance. I thought this time would be different.

I just hate the fact that there's always a guy in my scope. I just kept on looking around and I found trouble over and over again. When I decide to stop looking, trouble seems to find me. Why can't I just leave well enough alone? It's like not knowing when to quit when you keep losing. I remember how easy things were when I wasn't interested in anyone. I wasn't getting hurt. Now I feel like I go through guys like popcorn. Then again I've been lead one a few too many times before...you'd think that maybe I'd finally learn a thing or two. He wasn't the final straw. I was. I'm the one who brought this on myself. Tonight was the last stop. I'm cutting myself off completely for a while.

Another thing that's been bugging me is that I feel like I've been neglecting a lot of my friends and even God. I guess I haven't been able to get to church and choir now that I'm working so much. I miss going to mass and singing. I really want to have Sundays off now. Church gives me balance and keeps me grounded. "If you feel like you're far away from God...guess who moved."

Justin...you're right. I'll get over it. I always do.

So fuck it. I'm not willing to put myself through anything for a while. I'm tired of the guessing games. I'm done with the mushy feely crap. I'm not bitter towards this last guy...Why should I be? What good would that do?

I feel like there's something fatally wrong with me. I need time to reassess what I'm all about. Finding isn't working. Being found doesn't work either...so taking myself out of this whole game just might be the right thing to do. I feel so pathetic when I deal with relationships. Rather the accumulation of one...I've only had one relationship. People are telling me over and over again that I'm not ready. I'm beginning to think they're right. I guess I'm not...if ever.

There are 5 guys that I love so much... I think I owe it to them to not have any strings attached for a change. I forget how lucky I am to have those guys supporting me and putting up with me. Relationships are not the center of the world. I'm the center and I think I lost track of that for a while.

I won't find him.

He won't find me.

We're just gonna bump into each other one day.

You find faith in places you forget to look. Thanks Justin.

Random road trips are the best.

Shark, Shoe, Stick, and Clapper in DT San Diego. It's trips like those and friends like them that make things worthwhile. You just had to be there. Thanks guys...that was good practice for August. hahaha.

If I could have your attention for a second:

I have a friend who is in need. I can't really explain it to you guys. All I can really do is ask for people who can help. If everyone who reads this just donate a a few dollars that would be great. I figured, that if all the "friendsters" that I have pitch in...it would make the world of difference. I'm not asking for a lot, but every little bit counts.

Please let me know if you can help out. It would make the world of difference to someone. thanks.