5?

I am hurt beyond all comprehension.

Okay...that FUCKING does it. This could be the 2 and a half hours of sleep talking...

It's almost fucking 7am. Wait...I'm NEVER up at this hour. What's going on?

I got back from taking my mom to work. They told me that on RARE occarion, I'm only going to be doing that on Wednesdays when I DON'T have class. That requires me to get up at 6am and drive her to DTLA.So why not go to sleep then, Mark? It would be pointless for me to sleep since I have to take my sister to school in about an hour anyway. ugh.

These past few days have pushed me to the edge...closer and closer. WHO WANTS TO PUSH ME OFF THE DAMN CLIFF? TAKE A NUMBER. Last night didn't help me either. I FUCKING CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME I WENT TO SLEEP FOR THAT MATTER. The whole time I was thinking about best friend and all those words I read. I thought to myself what the hell is going on? Why, of all places, I'm having a problem in THAT department? People were speaking out of anger. I was misread. I was hurt. My heart was trampled on...ALL while I was already in a SHIT-TASTIC mood. I could say a lot of things out of anger. I can slander to my heart's content. But what would that prove? What would that solve? NOTHING. Because I know that all those words wouldn't be constructive. They would ring untrue since they are only charged with pure emotion. That's why people say things they don't mean. Did you mean it? If so then why am I still standing? Why didn't I just fucking jump off already?

What? Me? Pissed? Hell yes. There are quite a few people who have been taking me for granted.

The world has been riding me like a $3 whore and I'm tired of it. All of a sudden I'm everyone's bitch. I found it somewhat amusing that I created a very uncomfortable car ride for my mom this morning. All I had to do was stay silent and glare at the road seemingly aloof. She quickly mentions something from TV to try to cut the tension, but I merely responded by raising my eyebrows to let her know that I heard her. She stopped talking after that.

My dad is a whoooole other story. He's not making sense to me lately. He REALLY pissed me off yesterday before I left for confirmation last night. First, he was condecending about his stupid laptop. Next, gives me the runaround when it comes to picking up my sister. Then, he lectures me about parking in the driveway when it was NEVER an issue to begin with. I don't know why he's been picking fights with me lately. I just don't want to talk to him right now. He makes me feel so...ergh. I don't know.

I've also been feeling quite melancholy about my students finally being confirmed. Last night was a major reality check. I've journeyed with these young people for 2 years and now they're leaving. I also have leaders that I may not see again for a while, if at all. It saddens me that after all that hard work, they just leave. I'm gonna miss them.

Justin, I wasn't yelling at you. I wasn't even saying those things in a negative manner. Honestly, I never asked you to fix it. I didn't even make it a problem. I told you it's not my business. Maybe after reading this entry you'll understand that I wasn't angry about you or whatever you said. Hopefully you'll recognize that there's other things in my life that can cause me to spazz out. I can't believe you think that I would "go crazy" over a guy that's most likely not interested in me. To top it off you think I'm blaming you for my shortcomings? No. That's not what best friends do. Why would I let a guy get between us? Even if he was my boyfriend...what right do I have telling you how to feel? I just had to swallow what you said and I couldn't sleep all night because of it. Ask Stephen...I was a babbling mess on the phone with him last night. Is that how you want me to feel? I wouldn't, in my right mind, ever say things like that to you...I can be as angry as hell and still not have the tenacity to speak to you in such a way. I had no intention of hurting you. I didn't mean to disrespect you. But right now I feel very hurt and disrespected by you. I'm not mad at you and, yes, I would like to fix things. I told you last night that my patience was wearing thin and that I wasn't in the mood to be the butt of jokes. That's it. You know that there will be days where I'm not the best person to joke around with.

Fuck, I don't know if I want to go to class anymore. I'm tempted to just turn in my work and just make a day out for myself. There are so many possibilities... I'd like to take Justin out to lunch to clear things up. I'd like to maybe see my nephew. Maybe, even surprise Ernald? (I had to take a shot at it.)

Great. After all this shit, I'm getting a cramp in my leg. This is going to be another GREAT day.

I am hurt beyond all comprehension.

I'm hurt beyond comprehension...

I can't believe you'd say something like that to me.

I hate misunderstandings.

My dad totally confuses me sometimes. Like the other night he woke me up at at 2 am looking for his laptop. It's obvious he wasn't gonna type anything up at that hour especially since he came from work. Then today he says, "wait for your sister's phone call." I'm like so what? I'm not the only one here who would answer the phone. I mean of course I'd answer it. I asked him, "Why? Where are you going?" He told me that he's going to pick up mom. All he had to do was say, "Mark, if your sister calls, pick her up." Rather than having this whole runaround.

Ugh.

He confuses me sometimes.

Yesterday, I really appreciated my homies bestest so much more. Justin Punk had set up an event for us and it was quite meaningful. Justin, Jad, Justin, Mark, John... I love you guys! You are awesome.

I did a lot of thinking the other day and I realized that there are a lot of things and people I take for granted.

I'd like to go into it more, but I guess you just had to be there.

You ever do something that's beyond your reasoning?

The Justins and I took a little adventure and crossed out a goal that will never have to be acheived again. hahaha.

If you ask me...I'll go into detail. Basically, the Justins and I went for a quick little naked dip in the Pacific Ocean. hahahaha. If that's not random, I don't know what is. You want details? Ask me...and YES we were all sober.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

I guess I think too much. I really like this guy and we went out to lunch today. I mean I know that there weren't any strings attached, but hey...I took a chance. I just wanted to know him better, since everytime we see each other, either one or both of us has friends as a comfort zone. I just wanted to get to know him better...that's it. Thought I'd like to ask him out again. heh. *cough*

As much as I tell myself, I'm not expecting anything out of it...I'm just hoping that maybe he's remotely interested. I have no idea how he feels nor do I know if I'm keeping his interest. That's just the trouble with me...as much as I want to ask, I don't want to appear the fool and make such assumptions you know? Argh.

He's funny, sweet, cute, interested? Well one of us is.

Last night was crazy and random...well one part of it....CRAZY! That was NOT me last night. hahaha. I'll tell more later. hahahahahahha. whooooooooooooo. nuts. It's official...we have a new member in the HB boys. Fly lesbian seagulls... hahaha

Taking Ernald out to lunch...hee hee. fun times.

The house computer is out of commission. We're having it formatted. Knowing the way things go I may not have that computer until Saturday. It sucks since I have some personal projects I need to get done by the weekend. Hopefully it's gonna be done by today or early tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm gonna be online late nights and on a 56k connection. No one uses the computer at like 11pm and later so I'll definately be online at the graveyard hours.

Feel free to call me rather than text me through AIM...too many people have been doing that lately...but it's okay. haha.

Okay time to eat...

Oh remember when I vowed change? Phase one starts today. Wish me luck. It's easy, but it's a start.

My self portrait I turned in for art class.

One of the ideas that were given when this assignment was specified was to tell the class something about you that they will not be able to tell just by looking.

As a twin I am half of a whole, yet I'm an individual at the same time. I chose Sim as a background to represent him looking out for me and that he can be the voice of reason. Obviously, he plays pivotal part in my life and I am not who I am without him. It just didn't seem right to exclude him from my self portrait. He makes me who I am and likewise, I make him the person he is also.

Mark (M), you fucking queen... LOL. jk. You've been published. Oh, I'm the guy in the white with his back turned in the upper right hand corner.

Retreat was a total success. I can't be more satisfied with it. There were no disciplinary actions, no behavioral problems, and everyone was on time for everything. I made new friends, fortified old friendships, and reconiled with certain people. I got a lot of closure and inspiration this past weekend. I realized that life is more than my deadlines and appointments. It's about living. I've been taking a lot for granted and I was reminded of how one person can make a difference whether I like it or not. I need to live as best as I can...I am a role model 24/7. It was also the first time I walked through falling snow. There's nothing like nature to make one appreciate a power greater than my finate mind can comprehend.

To be forgotten is worse than death.
To be remembered and loved is worth more you will ever know.

I feel renewed. I am really happy for a change. My problems are gone. I love life because I was reminded that life loves me too. I AM ON MY RETREAT HIGH AND I LOVE IT!

Thank you. I love you. I will never forget you.

I have my dignity again.


::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I went to see my brother and Scott today. I really wanted to spend some quality time with the two coolest boys of life. It made me really happy to see Scott. His face lit up looking at me after waking from his nap. My spirit was certainly fortified. The hardest part was leaving the apartment. He chased after me with tears in his eyes. He grabbed my leg and looked up at me. It was obvious he didn't want me to leave. I'm so weak...haha. I stayed a little longer and when I decided to leave again, the same thing happened. It's so hard leaving him. I finally worked the nerve to close the door and Scott just cried his little eyes out. I could hear it from outside. My brother opened the door and Scott waved at me while I walked backwards down the hall waving back the whole time. *sigh*

RETREAT WAS AWESOME! I LOVE YOU ALL! I will talk about it all later.

I am rejuvenated.

I am truly loved and respected.

I am finally me again.

I'm off to the second year confirmation retreat. Pray for me. I'm stressing out and I haven't even left yet.

Good times last night. Went to Tiger Heat with John and Mark. Ernald met us up there. Yeah. Good times. What Ernald? Manly men? Where?

Ok I'll shut up now. I'll miss you all. bye. =)

To CB and E...

CB: What makes you think that someone who would be an acquaintance at best, have a motive for posing as you and attempt to ruin you? What kind of incentive would anyone receive for that? I'm pretty sure my friend was just caught in the crossfire and I honestly think his pathetic loser boyfriend was just trying to make waves. What good does it do to loathe him for something he didn't do? Why do you need to fucking accuse him of shit he wasn't involved in? You have no proof of him even posing as you. Get your head out of your ass and take a look around my friend. You're pointing fingers because you have no idea what's going on and he's the closest thing to an answer.

E: So now you and your people don't like my friend? I'm sorry you had to be a victim of this bullshit that was being played. It pisses me off that you can't let go of the fact that he didnt do it. Again, why would he have any intention of meddling with someone he doesn't even fucking know? You even have the nerve to ask him to bring your "boyfriend" from another state back? The guy didn't exist. I know that you're upset with all that, but realistically, did you really think that it was gonna work? And now that we all know that he's fake, you can't take that? I mean there aren't too many people I know that would want a relationship with a person they've never met...let alone someone that lives over 1000 miles away. Let it go. There's no reason to dislike a guy just because he was the supposed middleman that never had anything to do with the situation.

Oh and let me tell you "Manuel..." You better not behind all of this. Trust me...I could say a lot of unwarranted shit to your face. I can physically harm you if I wanted. I even have the authority to ruin you...but you're doing a pretty good job of fucking yourself up. I'll be the bigger man. I wouldn't do shit to you. You're not worth my time or energy. I have better and more important people to deal with. How pathetic of you to meddle in someone's life. That only shows you don't have a life of your own. People like you are called "starving artists" right? You're starving for a reason: YOU SUCK. Yeah you can parade around "modeling" and all that shit. But where will you be 15 years from now? On the street bitch...where you belong if you don't fucking educate yourself. I've so much disdain for you what what you've done. I know that "disdain" is a strong word, but I'm not sure if it's strong enough. Leave him alone. Don't you have anything better to do than use your time and effort interfering in someone's life? GET YOUR OWN LIFE. You're lucky you don't know me...because I would be more than happy to wipe that smirk off your face.

FUCKING SHIT! People just don't think. There are so many people who are quick to point fingers when it comes to these things. Piece the puzzle together first...you might find out there's a common enemy. It's so easy to blame people...Find yourself some answers and proof first...because your actions will burn you in the end if you don't have anything to back up your position.

STUPID. IT'S ALL FUCKING STUPID. ugh.

There. That's my piece. I'm going to sleep.

Justin and Jad really made my day today. They came to visit me on a complete whim. I love random visits from good friends.

I'm such in a good mood. =)

I'm going to Tigerheat tomorrow. haha. Man...so much clubbing. meh. good times. haha.

Hey remember REWIND @ the Arena? I used to go there when I was "straight." haha... Well folks...it's gone gay...just like the rest of the world. It's now the new venue for Tiger Heat. Yay. I can't wait to see that place again. I liked it. I'm a nerd. I know.

I thought about something odd last night. I just figured that this is the FIRST guy I decided to chase. The others initiated it.

But, why do I keep thinking about him? I've even dreamt about him a couple times. ergh. I'm crazy...

Why do I keep liking guys?

I'm sure I'm just setting myself up again. I always do. blah. I need to lie down...

Prejudgment.

So homie bestest's mom doesn't like me. She based her disdain on the fact that I don't say hi to her. He got into an argument with her recently and I was brought up. She referred to me as the fat one. (ouch). Justin inquired as to why she hates me. In the midst of her yelling, he stood his ground and defended me. He told her that I was the best one and that I was so active in church. He suggested that she get to know me before placing labels and distasteful stigmas on me.

It was a nice feeling knowing he stood up for me. Not too many people really do that for me.

Me fat?! =(

I guess I am the chunkiest one of the group. Honestly, I've been pretty self conscious of myself after I stopped working out. I really should get healthy again. After all, I wouldn't be so insecure if I improved myself physically...maybe I'd attract the guys I'm attracted to. blah.

The week just seems to zoom by so quickly. I guess it's just me.

I added my cousin Don and I decided to add "hxx" as well. I also added a link to email me...got anything to say to my face? Then you're welcome to say it.

Retsae yppah!

Holidays are fun when there's a lot of family involved. Unfortunately, not all of my cousins were here and I think that royally sucks. blah.

Tomorrow is the last (unofficial) day of break. I still have a couple of art projects to finish and I hope that things give me some sort of closure soon. heh. April is just one interesting month for me so far. I have 6 weeks of school left. blah. I can't wait till I'm on vacation once more. It's just that I'm not feeling school at all right now. I guess I'm not taking summer classes? heh.

Mark and I decided to not go clubbing for a little bit...but if there's something that needs to be done on a friday, we should just make it a homies bestest night...after all if we're gonna do something fun we should do something that everyone can do. heh. Oh, I got hit on by some old creepy guy...I mean like 45 year old white guy. SCARY SHIT...I was like, "I'm sorry, my baby might get mad at me. I came with him." hahahaha. *shudders* Another piss drunk guy asked me and Mark to kiss in front of him...man...just full of weird situations. NO JOHN...we didn't kiss. LOL.

In other news, there are just some things that you can't take back once you put it out there. I guess it was a good idea at the time. I don't regret my honesty and my decision to open up. I have nothing to lose at this point anyway. If nothing happens, then I'm done with the game for a while...maybe I should just go back in the closet? LOL no way...the air is fresher out here, but I'm definately going to simmer down and just smell the roses by myself.

As I mentioned before...I feel like I have to play different roles with different people. I'm different in and outside of church. I'm totally different at work. I'm a completely different person based on the people and situations I'm in. Some people see me and have set expectations of my thought patterns, behaviors, and actions. Who the hell are you to dictate that for me? blah. I'm MARK. That's it...look beyond everything. I'm just as complex as everyone else. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me what people think. If they don't like me, that's their problem to solve. I know who I am and I'm happy with that. heh.

Hmmm I just read back everything I just wrote. I suppose my thought pattern has no coherent pattern. haha. It looks like I have so much to say but it seems as though i abberiviated it. Oh well...I guess that's me in a nutshell...

OH YAH...PICS! SCROLL DOWN!

Feelings.

I guess mine are just everywhere recently. I have feelings about a guy. I have feelings of things that are a little off. I have feelings of insecurity, confusion, and being trapped. I feel like I'm so pressed for time now that vacation is coming to a close. I guess I have WAY more questions now than when I started. I never thought that I would be so overwhelmed with things.

I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not even sure how to describe it.

There are things I don't understand. There are things I'm scared to find out about. There are a lot of responsibilities I'm worried about. There are also things I just need to get over. And there are definately things I shouldn't even mess with.

I'm just so drained from work especially after last night at Rage. I partied pretty hard....but some partied harder than others. heh.

Things will fall into place...but it doesn't mean that it's going to fall where I want them to.

I always put myself out there when I think it's safe to do...unfortnately it sets me up for more dissapointment later. blah.

You ever feel like you're someone different to other people? blah. maybe i'll explain that later.

Oh yah...pics. scroll down.

Before I go to bed...Caroline dissected the boyband idea...

John, the kick back one.
Jad, the dreamer.
Mark M, the suave one.
Mark K, the bad one with his hat on sideways.
And Justin, the sweet one.

(and there has to be 2 people sharing the same name...sounds like du jour. LOL)

I had a good time with the homies bestest (the fab 5) today.


John, Jad, Mark, me, Justin
[it looks like some sort of cast photo...boyband?]


Let the rain fall downe and wake my dreams...haha

My goal for the day is to not get answers, but to reassure everyone that though, I get upset, I have no intention of starting drama. I'm human and there are people who can piss me off...but then again the those who piss me off the most is closest to me. As India Arie said, "No one has the power to hurt you like your friends." I can't expect things to change nor do I want them to. I can't say anything to take care of my irritations. The fact is that it's done. I'll bring it up later. I'll deal with it when I'm in a rational mindstate.

I always believe that it's not a good idea to deal with a problem while you're full of emotions (namely anger). As much as I wanted to say something. as much as I wanted to just let them have it, I know that it wouldn't have done any good to do so. What would harmful (and more likely untruthful) words acheive? Why would I want to speak my mind when my mind isn't thinking straight?

Best friends are best friends...that's it. That's what the title means. There are responsibilities and expectations that go along with it. But maybe my expectations aren't really ready to be met as of now. I can't expect anything more than respect and love. I can't ask for anything more than that.

Maybe we'll talk about it eventually. Maybe it'll never be brought up. The fact is that I'm going to have to deal with all the of the reprecussions. There are people, though non-pivotal, who aren't too happy with me right now. There are people who don't know me who are judging me based on a mistake that took place recently.

I can't talk about it into detail. I can't even confide in anyone this time. I feel like I'm screaming and nothing is coming out. I can't handle the fact that there are so many things going through my mind...but again...if you know me...You know that I'm good at thinking myself into a hole.

All I can do is trust and respect.

Friend,

I didn't come by to fight. I didn't come by to talk about it. I didn't come to even hear you talk to me about it. I only came on a whim. As I ate my lunch, I just decided to go. After talking to someone, I told him that I was giving myself 30 minutes to decide...and the choice only took me 15 minutes. I came to see you only because something told me to be there; something asked me to put everything aside and just go with it. You can be mad at me for whatever reason, but remember what I told you before...Just because I'm angry with you doesn't mean that I'll leave you in the dark. When I decide not to talk to you, I have good reasons not to. You know that I want to bring it all up when I'm in calm and rational mindset. Yes. I'm going to bring it up eventually...but all I expect from you is respect for my feelings and those who are involved. You're one of my closest friends for a reason...and you don't have to guess why. You should already know.

always...MARK

O M F G. Now I'm pissed off. I honestly don't know if I even want to go through with plans today. I have no idea what to make of the situation. I have no idea what I want to think, say or do right now. I'm FUMED.

I drove home for about 30 minutes from norwalk early this morning without any music playing in the car. That's not right. I was completely awake wrestling with so many thoughts.

Something isn't right and I'm not happy about it. I can't really pinpoint it...but I know that something's buggin the shit out of me. grrrr... Things aren't adding up and my gut is nagging at me.

Can you help me here?

a boy captured my heart

Without a word he captivates me.
With just a smile, I feel so lucky.

His hug takes away my affliction.
His laugh; so intoxicating
almost an addiction.

He doesn't have a single care
yet he solves my troubles
when he's there.

He comes to me when I'm needed
when he stops crying,
I know I've succeeded.

"Who is the lucky one?" you enquire.
He's maybe 3 feet tall
and no higher.

I love my nephew. He's all that I could think of today. I miss him a lot.

I think I'm going to lay out the rest of my week for you guys so maybe you'd want to help me fill in the gaps.

Tuesday - Nothing planned unless boss lady calls me into work
Wednesday - Confirmation team meeting 7-9 (possibly work if needed)
Thursday - homies bestest day & Tiger Heat?
Friday - Work, Rage with Mark and Ernald
Saturday - Work
Sunday - Choir?
Monday - do all my homework

As you can see, my spring break isn't as eventful as I'd like it to be. Although work fills up the gaps here and there, it just stinks that my shifts have to be on the weekend only.

There are so many things I want to do for Friday. It's going to be my first paycheck in a long time and I want to be able to just enjoy the weekend...since I have funds for a change. I really plan on getting janky at Rage and maybe buy me and Ernald some drinks. hahaha.

Okay, well I'm headed off to UCI with Jason and hopefully I'll be able to see some good friends too.

Yeah, I know that this entry isn't really worth reading, but I know you love me. =)

I haven't been so proud to be Filipino in quite a while. I went to CSULB's PCN tonight and it kicked ass.

I could go on and on about it, but if you weren't there...too bad. YOU MISSED A GOOD SHOW.

Congrats to everyone!

Real food takes time...
Life doesn't happen in an instant.

It's weird how people just run into you and take some sort of interest in what we have to say. I mean I never intended this thing to be too entertaining but it's not like it's not worth reading...at least I don't think so. heh. It's nice to know that some people can relate to what I have say...as mundane or pointless it can be. hahaha.

I'm going to add a new link today. Let's see if H is worthy of your time folks. haha. Some might even be promoted to "my rotation." haha

Okay Hxx, it's nice meeting you. Good luck. =)

I'm gonna see the PCN at CSULB tonight. Yay for Ernald...hee hee. (I'm so gay. haha.)

I guess there hasn't been too much to talk about as of late. I had a lot of thought provoking ideas I intended to publish, but once again, laziness prevailed. I guess I've been beating myself up about Ernald and for some reason, I keep thinking about the guy...not in a serious way. He just crosses my mind here and there. I mean, I think he's so cute and I like him, but I don't know what to expect. In fact, I'm not expecting anything...I'm just flying off the seat of my pants.

Work was interesting tonight. I'm learning a lot more about the job and appreciating the retail employees tenfold. My manager was uber pissed when these dumbass kids were abusing the fitting rooms. They didn't buy anything. I guess they were doing a pretend video montage or something. I even left late. My last customer went buckwild with the pacbuck promotion. I had to disarm and account for over $300 in merchandise. Of course, I added a lot and made me look good in front of the managers...heh heh.

95% of my coworkers have no idea that I'm gay. I think it's hilarious. Then again, it's not like I'm gonna write it on my forehead and run around with a fucking feather boa. Today I had a subtle hint. I kept the bracelet from rage that allows me to drink...haha. It has the work Rage all over it.

Anyway, I guess life is just moving right along. There are so many awful things I could say about some people...but I'm in a good mood...and karma is a bitch anyway.

Rage was fun.
Tonight will be fun with the guys.
Tomorrow night will be fun at CSULB's PCN.

Yeah. That was elaborate wasn't it?

There will be more details later to my 4 faithful readers. Are you one of them?

APRIL FOOLS. haha. I wonder who found it. Leave a comment if you found me out. hahahaha. The 404 page was fake. If you clicked on search you would have been able to read my blog.

Anyone catch that? I'm surprised no one told me there was something wrong. Don't you people read this?!

(updated 4/2/04 @ 1:11am) haha.