First off, Happy 1st Anniversary to Simon and Lei! I can't believe it's been a year already! Where does the time go?

Anyway, let's get you up to speed here.

The other day, I just wasn't feeling life and I decided to spend the night at Lei and Sim's place. (There's a reason for that but let's not knitpick right now.) In my bout of unhappiness, we play poker at the house, just for me to get reamed by momma-in-law. haha. Obviously, losing didn't get my motor running, so Sim thought it would be fun to try out Crystal Park Casino. Once we finally decided where to park, we strolled in expecting a large noisy hall...boy was that place a roaring...DISSAPOINTMENT. After strolling the main room for about 5 minutes, we realize the main room is the ONLY room. (At this point we had realized how much CA's casinos suck relative to Vegas) We knew that the closer to Diego, the better the casino. Anyway, we bolted back to the car and then started to search for the Hustler Casino, but my brother totally forgot where it was. So we did the next best thing: guess the location. We drove around for quite a while with no hope in sight. Simon was making a left at a light and I saw a bright red flashing light on the other side. "HOLY SHIT! BLINKY LIGHTS! GO! GO! GO!" I yelled. My bro immediately made a u-turn and we headed toward the inviting red blinky light. The closer we got the more curious we became...but it also was less evident that it was going to be our intended destination. Eventually we realized it was actually another casino...not the Hustler casino, but a casino nonetheless. We drive into the parking lot and peek inside. Unfortunately, the place was so ghetto we didn't even want to get out of the car. We then head home hanging our heads in disspointment.

My brother gave me a good talk though. I think I needed to hear some of the things he said. I think I needed to just snap back to reality. It's times like these where I feel like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.

Okay, I'm off to Solvang...

To my beb...I hope you checked your campus email. I want you to know what's going on. I love you.

What if I vanished? What would you say? What would you think? Ever stop to think that maybe I'll be gone one day? Ever stop to think that I constantly wait for you? Ever wonder why I get so mad sometimes?

I've got to have the greatest brother. Thanks.

whatever.

fuck it.

just whatever.

What an interesting thought...

I'm not surprised that there had to be some sort of scandal during the holidays. Like I was telling my cousin, I had a feeling the family would start to deteriorate after Lolo died. Relatives have beef over money and over some unknown situation. On my side of the gate, there's another piece of scandal that's been floating around. Apparantly the whole family knows I'm gay and they seem to walk over eggshells while I'm around. Aunts are gossiping over me like I was some fobby celebrity...ugh. typical hens. They don't even have the nerve to talk to me about it...and I'm sure they'll offend me with an overly sarcastic quip. Stop fucking whispering and forget about it. It's not like I'm a different person.

What the fuck is the big deal anyway? What makes my sexuality such an "interesting" topic for conversation? Is it because they have no real life of their own and so they have to knitpick at mine? I'm pretty sure they don't understand and most of them never will.

I feared the family finding out...but after seeing this reaction. I fear only for my reputation. Apparantly being gay changes the light on me completely. I wonder what ignorant thoughts they are going to gossip over. I wonder what kind of dellusional ideas they have about me. I wonder if they even think of me as the same Mark as I was 3 years ago.

You know what? Fuck em. I already have haters in my own family. Why should this phase me? The fact of the matter is that my parents are supporting me and still love me no matter what. Fuck the rest. I feel sorry for those who can't let it go. I'm not gonna mention names. They know who they are.

Why can't my titas get a life and look at themselves for a change. Who the fuck do they think they are looking at me the way they do?

"Oh did you hear he has a boyfriend?" "Oh did you hear he's a gay?"

Stop whispering bitches. I came out of the closet. Why won't you?

I'm not angry...just offended and frustrated.

Happy fucking ham day.

Today was a pretty interesting day. heh. I failed my math exam today. Oh well. I guess you can't win them all.

I also attended a taping of I'm With Her tonight with some SDYM people. I had such a good time at the taping. It seemed to wreak of high energy and it flew by fast! The warm up guys were really into it.

Afterwards, I hung out with some of the younger folk and found myself having a pretty good time. I was out with Lenn, Brad, and Mocha. We strolled Old Town for a little bit and had some snacks. It was really nice to spend some time with new faces. They really showed me a good time...and I felt pretty old at the same time. heh.

I guess I never really realized how many people know me around here. There were a few people I just met and I had a blast with...others seemed to know who I was and I never recalled meeting them before. Weird.

Another practice tomorrow...although the work is going to start piling...I'm getting excited to see how all this unfolds.

In other news, my confidence was boosted quite a bit tonight. When I started friendster, I used to get all of these messages from guys ranging from cute hotties to flamers to old men...haha. I haven't gotten one recently, until now. Jealous beb? haha. You're jealous. But on the reals, I need some local down friends. I don't have too many. Most of my friends are straight or in the closet...heh heh.

To my booger...I love you and I miss you dearly. You're on my mind and I can't seem to stop talking about you. I'm glad I got to talk to you tonight...even for a short while. Good luck on the rest of your exams.

Yesterday was such a random day. I was given about 4 hours notice of Aimee's debut practice...which isn't really a big deal mind you since I didn't have class. "Lola, I'm gonna take a shower and go to Sim's place." The next thing I know there's a knock at the door... and lo and behold...it's Simon. hahaha. That was so random. It turns out he was doing some business at a dealership in La Canada and decided to drop by. He picked me up and we went to debut practice...

more later...i have class.

UPDATE: He knew that I was planning to go to Torrance to the practice...but he didn't know that Lei and I agreed to meet at their place first...so that was super convienient. haha. It was cool to meet all of his co workers and stuff. They were all just shocked to discover that he had an identical twin.

Today, something pushed me over the edge. It took me about 7 years to get there.

I was totally robbed of something today. My jaw dropped when I found out.

We'll see what decision I will make come January. How can one be needed if most of the time they are being overlooked and maybe being taken for granted. I'm tired of being in someone else's shadow.

I know that my boyfriend is out and about a lot...As much as I wish he would make more time for me, he does make time. I guess the more that he does it...I crave more of it. I shouldn't really complain about it, since it's a lot more than usual. I trust him. I love him. That's all...right?

Come to think of it, I'm really grateful that my beb has been calling me. I know that he has a lot of homework and I really appreciate him calling. I really appreciate him letting me know what he's doing and where he's going. He doesn't have to do that...but he does anyway.

My uncle and his parents have moved in for a while...it's cool though. He's the type of uncle that is labeled as "the favorite." We grew up with him. Unfortunately, he's sharing my room...and it would be kinda difficult to explain why another guy is sleeping my in bed. heh. We'll see how this unfolds.

the icing on the cake: my design professor comes in and waves a blue paper in the air and says, "class is cancelled. go home."

I waited for nothing...why did i even go on campus?

The day started off so well too. What a shame.

I got up early enough to decide what to wear and even enjoy breakfast that my lola had made. I nonchalantly gathered my things and was headed for school. I popped in the new Brittney CD for school and jammed the whole way. "I'm actually going to get to my first class on time for once." I thought to myself. Man, I was wrong...so so wrong. It took an hour and 15 minutes to find parking. It took me 5 different lots, including the new parking structure before I found a space. I was seriously on tilt. It sucks since I didn't go to my math class last thursday since my ass overslept...so who knows what I missed in that class. *sigh*

I'm so mad. Even though I have another class at 12:30, I'm not going to it. I'm just going to walk around and enjoy for once. haha. fuck it...yeah. That's it. Mark's in "fuck it mode."

(In case I haven't rubbed it in enough...read the entry below and hate me. haha.)

GUESS WHERE I WAS LAST NIGHT! I WAS AT THE 31st AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS! BOO YAH!
So who did I see that was about 3 feet away from me? Here's a few that I saw (not including the people we saw on stage):

Ashanti
Keifer Sutherland
Pauley Shore
Weird Al
Jason Mraz
Britney Spears
Kid Rock
Pamela Anderson
Hilary Duff
Clay Aiken
Ruben Studdard
Henry Simmons
Sean Paul
Lil' John
Lance Bass
Ryan Seacrest
Roselyn Sanchez
Heather Headley
Toby Keith
PINK
Dick Clark
3 Doors Down
Rod Stewart
Bow Wow
Irv Gotti
Damon Dash
Evanescence
Big Boi (from OutKast)
Jessica Alba
Michael Chicklis
Mark McGrath
Trista Rhen & Ryan Stutter
Faith Hill
Tim McGraw
Sheryl Crow
Dave (from Paradise Hotel)

It seemed like it was hard to be there at times...but now that i look back at it. I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME! Jealous yet? Oh come on...admit it.

The longer this relationship lasts, the easier it is to understand each other's point of view. I have begun to appreciate the small things that he does. I didn't think he was going to call me tonight. The idea didn't really bother me. I knew he had a formal to attend. To my surprise, he called me out of nowhere. He sounded like he's having a great time with his friends there. He made me smile.

It's true. It's always the little things that we appreciate and miss. Yah, I'm a wuss. I miss him. A friend assured me that she'd take care of him there. "Don't worry, Mark. We're gonna have some good clean...SOBER...fun." I responded, "I don't care if it's good clean buzzed fun...as long as he's okay. I trust him." I have no chance of seeing him this weekend. I miss him so much...but I want him to have fun.

Again...I'm a wuss. I know. I'm so gay. I miss him.

:::::::::::::::::

Today was pretty cool. I got to spend some time with Gail and Kris. I can't really recall the last time the 3 of us just went out outside of SDYM. I'm glad I got to spend some time with them today...good times. I love you guys.

I had all this shit to say...and then I snapped out of it. OOPS.

haha.

FUCK! THe older this comp gets, the more it freezes. I was playing here and I was raising the hell out of that hand and everyone was betting into me. I had the nuts too: 9's over 10's...FULL FUCKIN HOUSE. I would have won with that boat, but the browser decides to freeze on me. I don't know why but my internet browser has been freezing WAY too often and it's really annoying.

That was the hand that would have redeemed me on that table...I was getting reamed pretty bad. FUCK!

boyfriend: sigh
me: argh...dont do that face. imma end up falling for it.
boyfriend: =(
me: awwww crap

I'm a sucker aren't i?

I feel kinda blah right now.

He can get me so mad sometimes. How can he sleep when he knows I'm not happy?

I guess its the little things that he does makes the world of difference. We had a small run in last night and I was sleeping alone. He has no idea how mad I was. I had to leave the house and think and pray a little bit. About an hour later, I come back and notice his sleep was completely undisturbed. I let out a sigh of frustration and just read until I got tired.

He did something so small; so simple. For some reason, all of my angst left. I wasn't so angry anymore. I didn't need to ask him all those questions permeating in my head. That one gesture put me at ease and answered everything.

He's good at ticking me off, but he's even better at making me happy. I don't know what it is about him. He's different...but he fits.

Random pick me ups are the best.

I was browsing through something the other night. After looking through everything, I realized my place with some people; the people who I considered good friends. Now, I'm not saying that I loathe these people. I don't. It's just that I realized how valued I was. Well, if at all. I asked myself why do these people even consider me as a friend? I feel like it's pointless to even have these people in my life. I don't even know why I bothered to share a part of myself with them in the first place.

There are quite a few people who I owe my time to. I haven't been able to really call people. I haven't had too much time to myself either.

Fuck. Christmas is coming up and I still can't get a job. Ugh.

I guess you can't win em all.

An impulsive decision I made this weekend changed a lot. I never wanted to fight. I never wanted to be upset. I only wanted to be understood.

Also it was my sister's birthday party last night. (actually her birthday is today...) It was nice being able to play poker with some good friends.

Beb, you asked me if my Halloween was fun. Honestly, I had a pretty good time...but we both know I could have had a better time.

I'm glad that I just said "fuck it" and drove off to see you without a second thought. I'm glad that we talked about it. I'm glad that we were able to have some time together. I can't wait till this weekend.

As dark as the clouds are...the sun's shining.

I'm cool. I'm calm. I'm collected. I'm cold.