I kinda hate that I still like the hot, geeky boy-next-door and the cute, dimpled jetsetter. I can't have either of them.
I find that the pieces don't seem to fit; no matter how much I try to fit em.
Why do I insist on wasting my time? Dammit, Mark.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
I, Alone.
My epiphany came to me through an intriguing young man. I slowly started to find myself attracted to him as we sort of rushed our outings. For the sake of his sanity, I choose not to reveal who he is. All you need to know is that I really like him and I feel like I might have scared him off a little, but that’s a whole ‘nother story... So what does this guy have to do with me, or the issue at hand? Let’s start with my feelings for two certain boys in my life. It’s stupid of me to place feelings into (one) a straight friend who has been more than gracious enough not to freak out and leave me hanging after admitting my feelings to him and (two) the fore mentioned friend whom I have been hanging out with recently and becoming increasingly attracted to but feeling like I totally messed things up.
Why am I so enthralled to get to know them when I need to first reorient myself with... myself?
I have recently acknowledged the shortcomings of my quarter-life. At 26 (and very quickly approaching 27), I have realized that I am not as self-fulfilled as I thought. For the past 5 months, I’ve been rebuilding what I thought was my identity. Things were starting to make sense and I was slowly regaining my sense of self. I was in control. I started to line all my ducks in a row. However, as I took aim, I saw a very sobering image in my crosshairs. I saw myself not knowing how to shoot after I had them all set up...
For some reason, I define “alone” as a sad, empty space that I’m afraid to venture in. Yes. I have this innate need to connect with people; so much so that it’s harmful to my personal growth. I am now void of connections with myself. I don’t know myself as well as I originally thought. Why is it that I know your favorite drink, yet have no idea what to get when I’m asked? My issue is plain and simple: I have a fear of being alone. I totally suck at it. I loathe eating alone in a public setting. It seems a little forlorn & pathetic to me. It makes me sad. I can’t go to a theater alone because it freaks me out to think that no one is there to share the movie with. A huge fear would be having to travel alone and have no one to meet at my destination. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing any of these things fore mentioned, but that’s how I personally feel.
I can securely say that I live for other people, but really, when have I truly lived for myself and ONLY myself? Think about it. I have a twin brother. Though an interesting facet of who I am, that wouldn’t be too helpful in breeding a sense of individuality. I also have recently ended a serious, 5-year relationship. The idea of living for someone else was my purpose in life…but unfortunately, I found that person to be unworthy of living for me. After such a long relationship, I have lost the ability to cater to my own needs on my own terms.
One of my best friends told me, “You have to be able to take care of your basic, essential needs on your own.” The sad part is, I have no idea what my basic needs are. So really, how could I even begin to satisfy them? I don’t know what I want from myself since I’ve been so blinded by involving myself in other people’s lives. I find it easier to take care of the needs of others. Stupidly, now I cannot even identify what I need, let alone what I want from myself, from life, from men… or even deciding what to fucking eat for lunch. Such confusion breeds anxiety.
I have been challenged to walk on my own two feet. I must learn to depend on myself to make me happy. It scares me to do things alone, but I’m going to have to adjust to gain my sense of independence. I just purchased a notebook to help chronicle my soul searching. I will try to affirm myself and note down what I learn and feel. This is a personal journey I need to embark on.
No. I’m not keeping a distance from anyone, but I need to learn how to be alone and depend on ONLY myself to satisfy my needs. Once I figure that out, I’ll be better at satisfying yours.
It scares me to face this fear, so I wrote a bulk of this in a public place… ALONE.
Pardon my dust. I’m building a better me.
My epiphany came to me through an intriguing young man. I slowly started to find myself attracted to him as we sort of rushed our outings. For the sake of his sanity, I choose not to reveal who he is. All you need to know is that I really like him and I feel like I might have scared him off a little, but that’s a whole ‘nother story... So what does this guy have to do with me, or the issue at hand? Let’s start with my feelings for two certain boys in my life. It’s stupid of me to place feelings into (one) a straight friend who has been more than gracious enough not to freak out and leave me hanging after admitting my feelings to him and (two) the fore mentioned friend whom I have been hanging out with recently and becoming increasingly attracted to but feeling like I totally messed things up.
Why am I so enthralled to get to know them when I need to first reorient myself with... myself?
I have recently acknowledged the shortcomings of my quarter-life. At 26 (and very quickly approaching 27), I have realized that I am not as self-fulfilled as I thought. For the past 5 months, I’ve been rebuilding what I thought was my identity. Things were starting to make sense and I was slowly regaining my sense of self. I was in control. I started to line all my ducks in a row. However, as I took aim, I saw a very sobering image in my crosshairs. I saw myself not knowing how to shoot after I had them all set up...
For some reason, I define “alone” as a sad, empty space that I’m afraid to venture in. Yes. I have this innate need to connect with people; so much so that it’s harmful to my personal growth. I am now void of connections with myself. I don’t know myself as well as I originally thought. Why is it that I know your favorite drink, yet have no idea what to get when I’m asked? My issue is plain and simple: I have a fear of being alone. I totally suck at it. I loathe eating alone in a public setting. It seems a little forlorn & pathetic to me. It makes me sad. I can’t go to a theater alone because it freaks me out to think that no one is there to share the movie with. A huge fear would be having to travel alone and have no one to meet at my destination. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing any of these things fore mentioned, but that’s how I personally feel.
I can securely say that I live for other people, but really, when have I truly lived for myself and ONLY myself? Think about it. I have a twin brother. Though an interesting facet of who I am, that wouldn’t be too helpful in breeding a sense of individuality. I also have recently ended a serious, 5-year relationship. The idea of living for someone else was my purpose in life…but unfortunately, I found that person to be unworthy of living for me. After such a long relationship, I have lost the ability to cater to my own needs on my own terms.
One of my best friends told me, “You have to be able to take care of your basic, essential needs on your own.” The sad part is, I have no idea what my basic needs are. So really, how could I even begin to satisfy them? I don’t know what I want from myself since I’ve been so blinded by involving myself in other people’s lives. I find it easier to take care of the needs of others. Stupidly, now I cannot even identify what I need, let alone what I want from myself, from life, from men… or even deciding what to fucking eat for lunch. Such confusion breeds anxiety.
I have been challenged to walk on my own two feet. I must learn to depend on myself to make me happy. It scares me to do things alone, but I’m going to have to adjust to gain my sense of independence. I just purchased a notebook to help chronicle my soul searching. I will try to affirm myself and note down what I learn and feel. This is a personal journey I need to embark on.
No. I’m not keeping a distance from anyone, but I need to learn how to be alone and depend on ONLY myself to satisfy my needs. Once I figure that out, I’ll be better at satisfying yours.
It scares me to face this fear, so I wrote a bulk of this in a public place… ALONE.
Pardon my dust. I’m building a better me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Control
I really feel that I have been in control of life for a while now. Things are where they are supposed to be. But, lately, I've suddenly been blindsided by YOU... but strangely, the crash is something I needed. I don't know where I'm going... It's fun not knowing. Let's see where this goes.
Crashing... but not burning.
I really feel that I have been in control of life for a while now. Things are where they are supposed to be. But, lately, I've suddenly been blindsided by YOU... but strangely, the crash is something I needed. I don't know where I'm going... It's fun not knowing. Let's see where this goes.
Crashing... but not burning.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
These past couple of weeks, I have traveled. Palm Springs. Las Vegas.
In Palm Springs, I had the chance to distract myself from a personal separation anxiety. Yes. It was stupid and maybe slightly delusional, but I felt better as I spent time with my family and bought myself a pair of new Gucci sunglasses.
I impulsively flew out to Vegas with good friends. I couldn't help but notice the sky outside my window. As I soared for a short time, I gazed at the most beautiful hues of blue only God could offer. It reminded me of him and where he was. I have yet to seize a dream of that magnitude. One day... But, I considered myself stronger that day. I flooded my head with a playlist that would always center me, in hopes it centered him too.
Now things are getting back to normal again. I've tried to slow down this extremely fast-paced life. I want to slow down. I can't claim something that doesn't belong to me. I can't be selfish about something I don't have.
My recent dreams have had the same theme.
I long to find someone who excites me just to be around him. I want a thrill from just holding hands. I want someone who goes beyond a carnal, sexual attraction; but an attraction to who that person is as his raw, uninhibited self.. I want to look in his eyes and have him see me the way I see him: perfectly imperfect. Lastly, I want someone who could appreciate the little I have to offer.
My standards are high, but not unattainable. There's someone out there who set this bar already. If reality can't allow me to have him, then I'm just fortunate to have had him in my dreams. My feelings are probably considered stupid and unrealistic... but then again, isn't that how the heart thinks?
I'm delusional. I get it. I know.
Whatever. Be strong. Be patient. Be Mark.
In Palm Springs, I had the chance to distract myself from a personal separation anxiety. Yes. It was stupid and maybe slightly delusional, but I felt better as I spent time with my family and bought myself a pair of new Gucci sunglasses.
I impulsively flew out to Vegas with good friends. I couldn't help but notice the sky outside my window. As I soared for a short time, I gazed at the most beautiful hues of blue only God could offer. It reminded me of him and where he was. I have yet to seize a dream of that magnitude. One day... But, I considered myself stronger that day. I flooded my head with a playlist that would always center me, in hopes it centered him too.
Now things are getting back to normal again. I've tried to slow down this extremely fast-paced life. I want to slow down. I can't claim something that doesn't belong to me. I can't be selfish about something I don't have.
My recent dreams have had the same theme.
I long to find someone who excites me just to be around him. I want a thrill from just holding hands. I want someone who goes beyond a carnal, sexual attraction; but an attraction to who that person is as his raw, uninhibited self.. I want to look in his eyes and have him see me the way I see him: perfectly imperfect. Lastly, I want someone who could appreciate the little I have to offer.
My standards are high, but not unattainable. There's someone out there who set this bar already. If reality can't allow me to have him, then I'm just fortunate to have had him in my dreams. My feelings are probably considered stupid and unrealistic... but then again, isn't that how the heart thinks?
I'm delusional. I get it. I know.
Whatever. Be strong. Be patient. Be Mark.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
WORD.
I Miss You - Incubus
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?
I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.
I Miss You - Incubus
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?
I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Sky High On Life
The sky reminds of me of all of the possibilities I have in life. However, it also reminds me of the distance between a dream and reality. Is there an intersect between the two? It seems like coming together from different directions seems like such an impossibility... Is convergence more improbable than impossible?
As you fly to the greatest of heights, I will keep my feet planted on the ground until it's my turn to soar once more.
While I'm still grounded, I roam the halls. Doors of opportunity rap loudly. As I open each one, life redefines itself. However, honestly, I just hope someone is on the other side smiling back; redefining ME.
One day I'll stop reaching upward and finally fly freely. Until then, life is good, but always has room to get better.
The sky reminds of me of all of the possibilities I have in life. However, it also reminds me of the distance between a dream and reality. Is there an intersect between the two? It seems like coming together from different directions seems like such an impossibility... Is convergence more improbable than impossible?
As you fly to the greatest of heights, I will keep my feet planted on the ground until it's my turn to soar once more.
While I'm still grounded, I roam the halls. Doors of opportunity rap loudly. As I open each one, life redefines itself. However, honestly, I just hope someone is on the other side smiling back; redefining ME.
One day I'll stop reaching upward and finally fly freely. Until then, life is good, but always has room to get better.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Cross My Heart - Inspired by UP
Love makes us do crazy things. It inspires us to not only chase our own dreams but to fulfill the dreams of others. Though colors fade, seasons change, and dust collects, dreams always manage to resiliently remain in our hearts. Others tell me that my dreams are impossible, but there are so many people we run into, lessons we learn, and feelings we experience that tell me otherwise. Following the heart isn't necessarily easy. But, I admit, it certainly makes me feel alive; like I have a purpose in life.
My dreams are simply unachieved goals. When I set my sights on something or someone, I exert my all to get it. Unfortunately, that could also be my undoing. However, I'm the one who decides to take action, even if I am deemed unrealistic, insane or irrational. Many say that I could just be wasting my time, but to me, if I think it's worthwhile reason to fly, it's NEVER a waste of my time. Like I said before, "...my heart is telling me to fly freely. If I crash and burn, then the thrill of flight was worth the demise."
My dreams are as crazy as that floating house, but they are MY dreams. I want to climb to the summit, but I don't want to do it alone. Once I'm up there, I gotta be able to crave more out of life... but for now, it's time to carry my dreams.
To those who have a quiet dream, don't leave it on the shelf. Look in your adventure book and remind yourself that it's YOU that needs to live this life. If there's something in life you want, get it. Life is too short to wallow in the what-if's.
If you see me in my floating house, I can care less if you think I'm crazy. I want to fly UP and over the mundane. If you see the ground, then it means there's nowhere else but up.
UP. UP and away I go...
Come fly with me.
Love makes us do crazy things. It inspires us to not only chase our own dreams but to fulfill the dreams of others. Though colors fade, seasons change, and dust collects, dreams always manage to resiliently remain in our hearts. Others tell me that my dreams are impossible, but there are so many people we run into, lessons we learn, and feelings we experience that tell me otherwise. Following the heart isn't necessarily easy. But, I admit, it certainly makes me feel alive; like I have a purpose in life.
My dreams are simply unachieved goals. When I set my sights on something or someone, I exert my all to get it. Unfortunately, that could also be my undoing. However, I'm the one who decides to take action, even if I am deemed unrealistic, insane or irrational. Many say that I could just be wasting my time, but to me, if I think it's worthwhile reason to fly, it's NEVER a waste of my time. Like I said before, "...my heart is telling me to fly freely. If I crash and burn, then the thrill of flight was worth the demise."
My dreams are as crazy as that floating house, but they are MY dreams. I want to climb to the summit, but I don't want to do it alone. Once I'm up there, I gotta be able to crave more out of life... but for now, it's time to carry my dreams.
To those who have a quiet dream, don't leave it on the shelf. Look in your adventure book and remind yourself that it's YOU that needs to live this life. If there's something in life you want, get it. Life is too short to wallow in the what-if's.
If you see me in my floating house, I can care less if you think I'm crazy. I want to fly UP and over the mundane. If you see the ground, then it means there's nowhere else but up.
UP. UP and away I go...
Come fly with me.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Summer feels like it has officially started now that my sister has finished high school.
How does it feel like summer, though?
It's not the heat that lets me know that it's summer. It's not the annoying teenybops flooding public areas taking up space and lengthening lines. It's certainly not just the bright blue skies and the family plans for trips and random outings.
It's the sudden changes (and the expectations of...) happening within myself and the people around me. I knew that this year would be about change, but we all know that summer seems to be a catalyst for newness. I kind of miss late night conversations and just playing video games. I miss staying up till the early hours just to do nothing the next afternoon when I finally decided to start a new day. However, things change. People change. Friendships, relationships & family ties are adjusted. From my experience, all the current connections either amplify or disintegrate during summer. It's almost like the heat melts away inhibitions.
Let's see how my life pans out before my birthday...
Kinda scared of what could come my way...
How does it feel like summer, though?
It's not the heat that lets me know that it's summer. It's not the annoying teenybops flooding public areas taking up space and lengthening lines. It's certainly not just the bright blue skies and the family plans for trips and random outings.
It's the sudden changes (and the expectations of...) happening within myself and the people around me. I knew that this year would be about change, but we all know that summer seems to be a catalyst for newness. I kind of miss late night conversations and just playing video games. I miss staying up till the early hours just to do nothing the next afternoon when I finally decided to start a new day. However, things change. People change. Friendships, relationships & family ties are adjusted. From my experience, all the current connections either amplify or disintegrate during summer. It's almost like the heat melts away inhibitions.
Let's see how my life pans out before my birthday...
Kinda scared of what could come my way...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Transition
With each passing day, I find myself to be a stronger person. However, my heart gets so weak from time to time. I feel like I've forgotten how to stand on my own - be my own man. For most of my life I've always fought to maintain my own identity. When I was a kid, I struggled to be an individual. Needless to say, a twin is considered half of a whole...but even twins need to be two, distinct, WHOLE people. Now that I'm single again, I feel broken and conflicted. I don't know the Mark I thought I was supposed to be yet. However, I have managed to find ways to heal through amazing friends, tight family bonds, and a sense of adventure with a touch of insanity. Yeah, I'm a total fucking basketcase. But these days, I consider myself a man...and no longer a boy. I am really proud of that.
My heart hasn't been able to let go of everything. Though my own personal insanity has been keeping me on my toes, my heart knows what it wants. My brain is already 1,468,690,284,756 kinds of broken, but my heart is telling me to fly freely. If I crash and burn, then the thrill of flight was worth the demise.
If you have the ability to make me smile while I'm surrounded by my demons, I truly love you. If you have been motivated by anything I have done for myself, then I am alive with you. If you have done little things for me, then the bigger picture has become more colorful. I am grateful for everyone who has been there for me in all sorts of ways.
Transforming to a better me...and I hope you're still around when I'm done. This may take a while...but I just might need your help.
With each passing day, I find myself to be a stronger person. However, my heart gets so weak from time to time. I feel like I've forgotten how to stand on my own - be my own man. For most of my life I've always fought to maintain my own identity. When I was a kid, I struggled to be an individual. Needless to say, a twin is considered half of a whole...but even twins need to be two, distinct, WHOLE people. Now that I'm single again, I feel broken and conflicted. I don't know the Mark I thought I was supposed to be yet. However, I have managed to find ways to heal through amazing friends, tight family bonds, and a sense of adventure with a touch of insanity. Yeah, I'm a total fucking basketcase. But these days, I consider myself a man...and no longer a boy. I am really proud of that.
My heart hasn't been able to let go of everything. Though my own personal insanity has been keeping me on my toes, my heart knows what it wants. My brain is already 1,468,690,284,756 kinds of broken, but my heart is telling me to fly freely. If I crash and burn, then the thrill of flight was worth the demise.
If you have the ability to make me smile while I'm surrounded by my demons, I truly love you. If you have been motivated by anything I have done for myself, then I am alive with you. If you have done little things for me, then the bigger picture has become more colorful. I am grateful for everyone who has been there for me in all sorts of ways.
Transforming to a better me...and I hope you're still around when I'm done. This may take a while...but I just might need your help.
"There's so much craziness, surrounding me
There's so much going on, it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me
You make it real for me
When I'm not sure of, my priorities
When I've lost sight of, where I'm meant to be
Like holy water, washing over me
You make it real for me
And I'm running to you baby
You are the only one who saved me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me..."
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
((FIRST OF ALL... GO LAKERS! The NUGGETS have been dipped! WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPS!!!))
And So the Story Goes...
No one ever said that making adult decisions would be easy. These decisions won't always pan out the way you want them to either. With every choice you make, a reaction must follow...and today that reaction was my phone blowing up with text messages, phone calls, emails, and website notifications. I realized my network knows me too well, and I am spewing with gratitude over it.
I can't say if the outside world saw my decision coming... but people could sense the static in the air. I have made my choice and there isn't anything or anyone that can really change my stance. I accept that some people will see me as the bad guy. I realize that I will have to suffer for the choice I made. I feel that my choice is best for both parties involved. A good friend once said, "What is true faith, unless it is tested." I have wrestled with a restless heart for a while now...and now the struggle is over and the transition begins.
And so the story goes on... A new chapter seems to begin. I will be triumphant. I will keep growing. I will always look forward and make sure that my happiness stays with me. I now know the true merit of my friends and family. Thank you all for supporting me in these times of trouble.
I will always love you. I will never regret having you as one of the most significant people in my life. I don't expect you to see my point of view, but I do expect you to respect it. I will always acknowledge the fact that you have done so much for me in this life. My hope for you is that you surpass your expectations in life. I, of all people, realize the potential you have to succeed in whatever you focus on. I want you to crave being a better person for yourself...always. Always have that love for family, it's what I admired about you.I hope that we can one day reconnect and be active people in each other's lives. Until then, I bid you a heartfelt, "farewell" and "thank you."
For the last time - 32J.
And So the Story Goes...
No one ever said that making adult decisions would be easy. These decisions won't always pan out the way you want them to either. With every choice you make, a reaction must follow...and today that reaction was my phone blowing up with text messages, phone calls, emails, and website notifications. I realized my network knows me too well, and I am spewing with gratitude over it.
I can't say if the outside world saw my decision coming... but people could sense the static in the air. I have made my choice and there isn't anything or anyone that can really change my stance. I accept that some people will see me as the bad guy. I realize that I will have to suffer for the choice I made. I feel that my choice is best for both parties involved. A good friend once said, "What is true faith, unless it is tested." I have wrestled with a restless heart for a while now...and now the struggle is over and the transition begins.
And so the story goes on... A new chapter seems to begin. I will be triumphant. I will keep growing. I will always look forward and make sure that my happiness stays with me. I now know the true merit of my friends and family. Thank you all for supporting me in these times of trouble.
I will always love you. I will never regret having you as one of the most significant people in my life. I don't expect you to see my point of view, but I do expect you to respect it. I will always acknowledge the fact that you have done so much for me in this life. My hope for you is that you surpass your expectations in life. I, of all people, realize the potential you have to succeed in whatever you focus on. I want you to crave being a better person for yourself...always. Always have that love for family, it's what I admired about you.I hope that we can one day reconnect and be active people in each other's lives. Until then, I bid you a heartfelt, "farewell" and "thank you."
For the last time - 32J.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Crowned Royal
The Luxor has crowned me royal.
Las Vegas isn't normally a place where one would have a quarter-life ephihany. There are certain people in your life with a definite role...and in every of season we develop these expectations of our favorite characters. Some end up hating each other. Some fall in love. Some are just that lost, lovable goober that never fails to surprise even the most seasoned viewer. With each passing season, the love stories keep changing. The B & C stories suddenly become less important, and the chemistry between roles tend to change.
I had some serious conversations with my brother, my buds and with God over the long weekend. Everyone who has had some insight has given me a sort of enlightenment, if not comfort.
The critics and fans of my show all seem to agree. They feel like my scripts are being written by another writer. The writer they all knew 2 months ago died in a freak Twitter Fail Whale accident. In his place, is a more positive, carefree, soon-to-be sugar free, humorous, generous, and strong writer who has started to write his own destiny. The episodes have captured a bigger audience now that I have made myself available to making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, loving the ones I have now even more, and promoting some of the current ones.
Though the guest appearances change or even repeat, the main cast remains strong. No matter where the story goes, the audience knows to expect nothing but memories, lessons and heartache.
The art of life is an art that none have mastered. Life is art as it constantly evolves, and if art imitates life, then life must be a masterpiece to behold.
Fade to black.
Roll end credits.
The Luxor has crowned me royal.
Las Vegas isn't normally a place where one would have a quarter-life ephihany. There are certain people in your life with a definite role...and in every of season we develop these expectations of our favorite characters. Some end up hating each other. Some fall in love. Some are just that lost, lovable goober that never fails to surprise even the most seasoned viewer. With each passing season, the love stories keep changing. The B & C stories suddenly become less important, and the chemistry between roles tend to change.
I had some serious conversations with my brother, my buds and with God over the long weekend. Everyone who has had some insight has given me a sort of enlightenment, if not comfort.
The critics and fans of my show all seem to agree. They feel like my scripts are being written by another writer. The writer they all knew 2 months ago died in a freak Twitter Fail Whale accident. In his place, is a more positive, carefree, soon-to-be sugar free, humorous, generous, and strong writer who has started to write his own destiny. The episodes have captured a bigger audience now that I have made myself available to making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, loving the ones I have now even more, and promoting some of the current ones.
Though the guest appearances change or even repeat, the main cast remains strong. No matter where the story goes, the audience knows to expect nothing but memories, lessons and heartache.
The art of life is an art that none have mastered. Life is art as it constantly evolves, and if art imitates life, then life must be a masterpiece to behold.
Fade to black.
Roll end credits.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Just Words in a Story
Existence is meaningless without a story. Right now, my story is confusing at best. I thought the characters in my story made sense. I thought that I knew where the plot was going, but with each new character introduced, the story changes its trajectory. No one knows where this is all going. So now, I struggle with the fear stemming from this new frontier in life: adulthood. The story now has a twist. I always thought the term, "quarter-life crisis" was a total crock. However, now I hesitate to admit that I am taking stock into that whole concept.
I am at a crossroads.
Once again, I struggle with my identity as I reassess my life and the people in it. Every person is a beautiful tapestry woven from different influences of the very people they cross. I am very grateful for the fabric of my being, but sooner or later the dead, negative weight could tear the cloth. My brother always said, "If someone does you no good in life, why are they in it?"
Before my day starts, I will pray for clarity and patience...as my mind has been clouded with distraction and my patience is essentially running on fumes. To anyone that comes across this post, I ask that you pray for me the the characters in my story.
Even though the story has changed, I still can't seem to put the damn book down.
Existence is meaningless without a story. Right now, my story is confusing at best. I thought the characters in my story made sense. I thought that I knew where the plot was going, but with each new character introduced, the story changes its trajectory. No one knows where this is all going. So now, I struggle with the fear stemming from this new frontier in life: adulthood. The story now has a twist. I always thought the term, "quarter-life crisis" was a total crock. However, now I hesitate to admit that I am taking stock into that whole concept.
I am at a crossroads.
Once again, I struggle with my identity as I reassess my life and the people in it. Every person is a beautiful tapestry woven from different influences of the very people they cross. I am very grateful for the fabric of my being, but sooner or later the dead, negative weight could tear the cloth. My brother always said, "If someone does you no good in life, why are they in it?"
Before my day starts, I will pray for clarity and patience...as my mind has been clouded with distraction and my patience is essentially running on fumes. To anyone that comes across this post, I ask that you pray for me the the characters in my story.
Even though the story has changed, I still can't seem to put the damn book down.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Life Happened
I noticed that I was sounding a bit complainy when I was talking to my friend, Alex. (Who by the way hasn't been in my life lately since high school. However, we managed to find each other at the right times in our respective lives.) Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not complaining at all. It's just that I asked him why all these feelings and thoughts are running rampant in my heart and mind. He simply said, "Mark, life happened. It's like you went through 'life puberty.'"
He's right. I guess it's just me going through some quasi-quarter life crisis...it's me becoming a grown-ass-man.
I find myself connecting with people I should have stayed in touch with a while back. I also find myself connecting with new people who are witnessing my growth. There are a few people in my life right now who has gone beyond the call of being a friend. They may not realize how they have kept me sane (or fed my personal insanity). Honestly, I'm still really weirded out about how my life is so full of positivity. I'm even going to venture into something that will improve my health and physical appearance. But, I'm a little shy to admit what it is right now. Just know that I plan to focus and stay on the track of self-improvement.
I've been learning to live with the changes and improvements that have been coming my way. I'm slowly accepting my position in life. I'm beginning to understand that I am actually as rare as they come. I am a responsible, strong, educated young man who is actually using his degree. I like where I work and the people I work with. I have gained a HUGE respect of self and my ability to be me. I can't have anyone who can't benefit me, right now. I don't have time to deal with dead weight.
Though this evolution, yet relatively short, has been overwhelming. I feel like I'm just slowly walking in the dark with my hands out in front and feeling my way through. I'm fortunate that I have had some people willing to hold my hand right when I need them. I'm definitely not the same person I was a month ago.
In other news, I really think this past weekend has been really great. It started with a Foster's grilled cheese sandwich and an orange Fanta. Then somewhere in between I reconnect with an old friend while having an "awkward" urinal conversation...on tape. Ordered a Tocilog and getting a Tapsilog instead... and now I plan to cap it all off with choir and mass.
Life is good right now.
Holy shit, I really think I'm starting to learn how to fly...
Life is happening. It's really happening. Aren't you fuckin' excited?
I noticed that I was sounding a bit complainy when I was talking to my friend, Alex. (Who by the way hasn't been in my life lately since high school. However, we managed to find each other at the right times in our respective lives.) Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not complaining at all. It's just that I asked him why all these feelings and thoughts are running rampant in my heart and mind. He simply said, "Mark, life happened. It's like you went through 'life puberty.'"
He's right. I guess it's just me going through some quasi-quarter life crisis...it's me becoming a grown-ass-man.
I find myself connecting with people I should have stayed in touch with a while back. I also find myself connecting with new people who are witnessing my growth. There are a few people in my life right now who has gone beyond the call of being a friend. They may not realize how they have kept me sane (or fed my personal insanity). Honestly, I'm still really weirded out about how my life is so full of positivity. I'm even going to venture into something that will improve my health and physical appearance. But, I'm a little shy to admit what it is right now. Just know that I plan to focus and stay on the track of self-improvement.
I've been learning to live with the changes and improvements that have been coming my way. I'm slowly accepting my position in life. I'm beginning to understand that I am actually as rare as they come. I am a responsible, strong, educated young man who is actually using his degree. I like where I work and the people I work with. I have gained a HUGE respect of self and my ability to be me. I can't have anyone who can't benefit me, right now. I don't have time to deal with dead weight.
Though this evolution, yet relatively short, has been overwhelming. I feel like I'm just slowly walking in the dark with my hands out in front and feeling my way through. I'm fortunate that I have had some people willing to hold my hand right when I need them. I'm definitely not the same person I was a month ago.
In other news, I really think this past weekend has been really great. It started with a Foster's grilled cheese sandwich and an orange Fanta. Then somewhere in between I reconnect with an old friend while having an "awkward" urinal conversation...on tape. Ordered a Tocilog and getting a Tapsilog instead... and now I plan to cap it all off with choir and mass.
Life is good right now.
Holy shit, I really think I'm starting to learn how to fly...
Life is happening. It's really happening. Aren't you fuckin' excited?
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Growing Pains & Reevaluation
When a friend comes up to you and says, "I think we need to talk," a sense of intimidation and fear floods inside you like water in a drowning lung. Suddenly this fuckwave builds right above you and all you think about is how you're going to handle this wall of water you're about to collide with. Immediately, you think of ways to maneuver your way though and around, while you hope you don't run out of breath. You uselessly search for something to grab onto and brace yourself...and all the while you're never really sure how things are going to pan out. Either way, mortality still rears its head for some reason.
When you're asked to join this universally dreaded conversation, you quickly (and possibly unnecessarily) think of EVERYTHING that you thought you'd done wrong. You twist facts to validate the right or wrong in each situation. You weigh out every circumstance in hopes you have a cohesive thought. It's even WORSE if you have to wait for the moment of this possibly life-destroying conversation. What if... What if... What if...
The true measure of a friend is how worried they are when they have to be brutally honest with you. An even bigger measure is how they gather the courage for this display of brute strength. Honestly, I never found my friends to be completely unobservant of my life, but I didn't expect them to intervene when things got really sloppy. That must mean something was really that bad.
It gave me a chance to open a door and let some light in. It let my friends know that I'm okay and we're still on the same page. All the while, they thought we weren't even in the same book. So after a heart-to-heart, a huge sigh of relief escaped my lungs...without a single drop of water. In a short time, the fuckwave subsided to nothing more than a gentle current. Smooth sailing, you say? Not really.
Now that a door has opened, a whole other world has become available to me. I have no idea what to expect once I decide to peek or even walk through this door, but it's my life path and I can't just leave the door open and complain about the draft, can I? This conversation made me realize that I'm growing. I'm growing into this person I've been meaning to become. Things need to change. I need to change.
This bittersweet life has offered so much to me recently. In most cases, I didn't have a choice in the matter. You cannot refuse when God decides to have one of your best friends slowly start to fade because of cancer. Nor, can you refuse when God decides to give you the ability to hope and love either. It's funny how things work that way. On the other sweeter side of life, you cannot deny God's grace when it comes to you. I glady accepted the position at my recent workplace and aim to survive another work week like a real adult. Life's bitter & sweet. It always has been, but we all know you can't have one with out the other.
Opportunity is knocking at my door and selling me all kinds of shit in that stupid tupperware box. I'll sit through the features and benefits speech. Hell, I'll even sit through the demonstration, but doesn't mean I'm buying. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of change happening and I have yet to be convinced that my life is just fine.
I'm drifting without a paddle and I know there's another fuckwave just waiting to try to drown me. In the meantime, I'll float and see where things take me.
Sink or swim? Fuck. I'm too old for floaties.
When a friend comes up to you and says, "I think we need to talk," a sense of intimidation and fear floods inside you like water in a drowning lung. Suddenly this fuckwave builds right above you and all you think about is how you're going to handle this wall of water you're about to collide with. Immediately, you think of ways to maneuver your way though and around, while you hope you don't run out of breath. You uselessly search for something to grab onto and brace yourself...and all the while you're never really sure how things are going to pan out. Either way, mortality still rears its head for some reason.
When you're asked to join this universally dreaded conversation, you quickly (and possibly unnecessarily) think of EVERYTHING that you thought you'd done wrong. You twist facts to validate the right or wrong in each situation. You weigh out every circumstance in hopes you have a cohesive thought. It's even WORSE if you have to wait for the moment of this possibly life-destroying conversation. What if... What if... What if...
The true measure of a friend is how worried they are when they have to be brutally honest with you. An even bigger measure is how they gather the courage for this display of brute strength. Honestly, I never found my friends to be completely unobservant of my life, but I didn't expect them to intervene when things got really sloppy. That must mean something was really that bad.
It gave me a chance to open a door and let some light in. It let my friends know that I'm okay and we're still on the same page. All the while, they thought we weren't even in the same book. So after a heart-to-heart, a huge sigh of relief escaped my lungs...without a single drop of water. In a short time, the fuckwave subsided to nothing more than a gentle current. Smooth sailing, you say? Not really.
Now that a door has opened, a whole other world has become available to me. I have no idea what to expect once I decide to peek or even walk through this door, but it's my life path and I can't just leave the door open and complain about the draft, can I? This conversation made me realize that I'm growing. I'm growing into this person I've been meaning to become. Things need to change. I need to change.
This bittersweet life has offered so much to me recently. In most cases, I didn't have a choice in the matter. You cannot refuse when God decides to have one of your best friends slowly start to fade because of cancer. Nor, can you refuse when God decides to give you the ability to hope and love either. It's funny how things work that way. On the other sweeter side of life, you cannot deny God's grace when it comes to you. I glady accepted the position at my recent workplace and aim to survive another work week like a real adult. Life's bitter & sweet. It always has been, but we all know you can't have one with out the other.
Opportunity is knocking at my door and selling me all kinds of shit in that stupid tupperware box. I'll sit through the features and benefits speech. Hell, I'll even sit through the demonstration, but doesn't mean I'm buying. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of change happening and I have yet to be convinced that my life is just fine.
I'm drifting without a paddle and I know there's another fuckwave just waiting to try to drown me. In the meantime, I'll float and see where things take me.
Sink or swim? Fuck. I'm too old for floaties.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I had an informal job interview for an advertising agency tonight. It was with an old friend who promised that he's going to utilize my talent one day and today was the day he called. It's in my nature to maintain some sort of professionalism even when it's considered informal. I seek respect upon first impression - especially to employers and clients.
Honestly, I wasn't sure if my skill set would work out for the intended position, but my pending boss was willing to train me in all I needed to know. Naturally, I can't be a phenomenon right away..so I gotta start somewhere.
Change it's happening again...and it's feeling right this time.
Thank you for the prayers and the good vibes.
I'm feeling better.
I'm feeling life.
Ya feeling me?!
Honestly, I wasn't sure if my skill set would work out for the intended position, but my pending boss was willing to train me in all I needed to know. Naturally, I can't be a phenomenon right away..so I gotta start somewhere.
Change it's happening again...and it's feeling right this time.
Thank you for the prayers and the good vibes.
I'm feeling better.
I'm feeling life.
Ya feeling me?!
Change is a deadly, concealed weapon and unfortunately, it's in point blank range - right between my eyes. Each doubt-toting round fires louder and deadlier than the last. BANG. One into my stability. BANG. Another into my faith. These past few days have begun either my success or my undoing. I never really expected life as a twenty-something to be THIS complicated. With all these gunshot wounds, I feel like I'm hopelessly bleeding change. As the change drips and pools onto the pavement, life continues to reveal itself. It's time to grow up, and growing up means something's going to sink beneath me as I rise. I thought I had it all figured out. Life made sense up until now.
I indifferently stare at myself in the mirror. My short, labored sigh speaks. It implies my shaken confidence. It narrates my struggle with my sense of self and security. It reassures me that I am talented, artistic person. It reveals my fear as one of my best friends stares mortality in its cold eyes. As this fuck wave of change and possible improvement builds, I struggle to swim in my own reality.
No. My life isn't bad, but life itself should just be better than I perceive it to be right now... and right now, I'm conflicted and scared.
I have to improve...always. Each facet needs to be better.
I need to get better.
Apparently life is the question with no wrong answer, right?
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish, and stupid." - Pinititus
I indifferently stare at myself in the mirror. My short, labored sigh speaks. It implies my shaken confidence. It narrates my struggle with my sense of self and security. It reassures me that I am talented, artistic person. It reveals my fear as one of my best friends stares mortality in its cold eyes. As this fuck wave of change and possible improvement builds, I struggle to swim in my own reality.
No. My life isn't bad, but life itself should just be better than I perceive it to be right now... and right now, I'm conflicted and scared.
I have to improve...always. Each facet needs to be better.
I need to get better.
Apparently life is the question with no wrong answer, right?
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish, and stupid." - Pinititus
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Love - After "He's Just Not That Into You" & Youth Day 2009
Love. What do I know about love? Believe me, I'm no expert, but it's funny how we think about love and this epic journey to find it. There are all these supposed rules we impose on ourselves. We always hear about these exceptions of how people beat these non-existent odds and find this love. In simpler terms, "mind games." There is always a confusing, ongoing conflict between the mind and the heart - no matter which one you think in charge at the given moment.
The rules we apply to a given relationship affect the connection between two people or parties. (For example: Don’t call too soon after otherwise, you look too eager.) These rules make us assume the behavior of the other side, while it really may not be the case. Our actions then change because of our assumptions about the other party. To further complicate our assumptions, we hear stories about exceptions. These are defined as the people who broke the rules and have succeeded despite the warnings of the given rule. Now there is a conflict between the rule that we are familiar with and the hope of becoming the “exception.” We then begin to play mind games to search for answers while all it really takes is an honest and open approach.
In contrast, we explore our relationship with God. Our connection is significantly simpler because we know how to navigate this relationship. An open and honest relationship with Him is the only way to connect. There are no “mind games” or rules to apply. God now becomes the “exception” because if we decide to allow God to work in us, then the relationship is successful. Therefore, in order to have flourishing relationships with others, we must simplify and be open and honest with each other. Sharing in this relationship, the Holy Spirit then becomes present between them.
Why do we make things so hard for ourselves? It's because we're perfectly flawed.
If you know who I am and love me anyway, then shit, I am one lucky guy.
Love. What do I know about love? Believe me, I'm no expert, but it's funny how we think about love and this epic journey to find it. There are all these supposed rules we impose on ourselves. We always hear about these exceptions of how people beat these non-existent odds and find this love. In simpler terms, "mind games." There is always a confusing, ongoing conflict between the mind and the heart - no matter which one you think in charge at the given moment.
The rules we apply to a given relationship affect the connection between two people or parties. (For example: Don’t call too soon after otherwise, you look too eager.) These rules make us assume the behavior of the other side, while it really may not be the case. Our actions then change because of our assumptions about the other party. To further complicate our assumptions, we hear stories about exceptions. These are defined as the people who broke the rules and have succeeded despite the warnings of the given rule. Now there is a conflict between the rule that we are familiar with and the hope of becoming the “exception.” We then begin to play mind games to search for answers while all it really takes is an honest and open approach.
In contrast, we explore our relationship with God. Our connection is significantly simpler because we know how to navigate this relationship. An open and honest relationship with Him is the only way to connect. There are no “mind games” or rules to apply. God now becomes the “exception” because if we decide to allow God to work in us, then the relationship is successful. Therefore, in order to have flourishing relationships with others, we must simplify and be open and honest with each other. Sharing in this relationship, the Holy Spirit then becomes present between them.
Why do we make things so hard for ourselves? It's because we're perfectly flawed.
If you know who I am and love me anyway, then shit, I am one lucky guy.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
CELEBRATE! Just don’t put the “VD” in “Valentine’s Day.”
As I happily sit here with a dozen roses and a new Wacom tablet, I cannot deny the affects of Valentine’s Day. However, I can’t help but feel annoyed about so many people being so overly cynical about today. “Overrated” is the term that has been floating around like a disdainful fog. Seriously, give me an example where the big holidays have not been commercialized. Personally, I don’t believe that Valentine’s Day is overrated. The only thing that’s overrated about today is the useless, empty complaints about a lonely existence. Seriously, that’s not original either.
Think about it. There’s at least one day in the year where someone in our lives deserves to be celebrated. So if celebrating is overrated, no one should make a big fuss about a birthday, anniversary or any important day in someone’s history. Naturally, love is supposed to be an everyday thing. However, it’s funny to me that people detest a day that is about the greatest notion known to humankind. Is it really THAT bad to celebrate love for a day?
This supposedly loathed holiday started as a pagan ritual concerning horny, naked men spanking maidens for fertility. Eventually, in the Christian point of view, Saint Valentine was performing secret marriages during a time where men were not allowed to marry because the Roman army forbade it. Valentine was executed for his troubles on February 14 in 270 AD.
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about the intimacy between two lovers. It should be about love, period. Whether you are single or spoken for, you should express your love to ALL your loved ones, both new and old. Who do you really love? Who really loves you back? If you know the answer to any of those questions, then you should celebrate today. Not all people are given the ability to love at all. But, isn’t it funny how three small words are either taken for granted or very difficult to utter?
As a good friend once said, “sometimes all that remains is the story of how we got there. The love story.” All of us have a story and if it’s inside you, it has to be worth telling. Whether the end of your story or chapter is bitter or pending, love is always worth the story. My book is full of stories about not only my boyfriend, but also my family and friends who continue to reciprocate love. Just because I happen to be in an intimate relationship does not mean I will forget about those that I am connected to through love.
What is love? Strangely, everyone is aware of it, but no one can fully define it.
So go ahead and piss and moan today, but before you do that, think about who really counts in your life. Who loves you as flawed and insecure as you are? Yeah, I thought so.
I love you too.
As I happily sit here with a dozen roses and a new Wacom tablet, I cannot deny the affects of Valentine’s Day. However, I can’t help but feel annoyed about so many people being so overly cynical about today. “Overrated” is the term that has been floating around like a disdainful fog. Seriously, give me an example where the big holidays have not been commercialized. Personally, I don’t believe that Valentine’s Day is overrated. The only thing that’s overrated about today is the useless, empty complaints about a lonely existence. Seriously, that’s not original either.
Think about it. There’s at least one day in the year where someone in our lives deserves to be celebrated. So if celebrating is overrated, no one should make a big fuss about a birthday, anniversary or any important day in someone’s history. Naturally, love is supposed to be an everyday thing. However, it’s funny to me that people detest a day that is about the greatest notion known to humankind. Is it really THAT bad to celebrate love for a day?
This supposedly loathed holiday started as a pagan ritual concerning horny, naked men spanking maidens for fertility. Eventually, in the Christian point of view, Saint Valentine was performing secret marriages during a time where men were not allowed to marry because the Roman army forbade it. Valentine was executed for his troubles on February 14 in 270 AD.
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t just be about the intimacy between two lovers. It should be about love, period. Whether you are single or spoken for, you should express your love to ALL your loved ones, both new and old. Who do you really love? Who really loves you back? If you know the answer to any of those questions, then you should celebrate today. Not all people are given the ability to love at all. But, isn’t it funny how three small words are either taken for granted or very difficult to utter?
As a good friend once said, “sometimes all that remains is the story of how we got there. The love story.” All of us have a story and if it’s inside you, it has to be worth telling. Whether the end of your story or chapter is bitter or pending, love is always worth the story. My book is full of stories about not only my boyfriend, but also my family and friends who continue to reciprocate love. Just because I happen to be in an intimate relationship does not mean I will forget about those that I am connected to through love.
What is love? Strangely, everyone is aware of it, but no one can fully define it.
So go ahead and piss and moan today, but before you do that, think about who really counts in your life. Who loves you as flawed and insecure as you are? Yeah, I thought so.
I love you too.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
ME? GOOD WRITER? That's unpossible.
Ever since I decided to write Yelp reviews more often, it seems as though my friends have discovered that I can write.
I've always considered myself only above average when it came to my writing skills.
That's all.
Sorry, nothing substantial right now.
Just an observation. ha.
Ever since I decided to write Yelp reviews more often, it seems as though my friends have discovered that I can write.
I've always considered myself only above average when it came to my writing skills.
That's all.
Sorry, nothing substantial right now.
Just an observation. ha.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Barack Obama to end US army's 'don't ask don't tell' policy
President-Elect Barack Obama will end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy towards gays in the military as part of moves to sweep away remnants of the Bush era. The move is expected to be among a series of symbolic changes he will push through quickly to stamp his mark on the presidency.
read more | digg story
read more | digg story
Friday, January 09, 2009
Helloooooooo 2009
Lately, I've been noticing a small trend in the first 10 days of the new year: friends.
Okay, so that seems a little vague, so let me explain. I have made some new friends while reconnecting with some old ones. Oddly enough, these people have come into my life when I needed them.
Though 2008 was certainly full of changes for me, I realized that 2009 is my building year. Now that I have the tools, it's time to build my dreams (Corny, right?).
Life is only as difficult as I make it out to be.
Come on 2009, be nice to me.
Lately, I've been noticing a small trend in the first 10 days of the new year: friends.
Okay, so that seems a little vague, so let me explain. I have made some new friends while reconnecting with some old ones. Oddly enough, these people have come into my life when I needed them.
Though 2008 was certainly full of changes for me, I realized that 2009 is my building year. Now that I have the tools, it's time to build my dreams (Corny, right?).
Life is only as difficult as I make it out to be.
Come on 2009, be nice to me.
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