I guess all the kinks have been worked out...i'll blog asap. PROMISE!

I can't believe it's been a year already. In 10 days I'm going to be 22. I can safely say that 21 was one hell of a year for me...

There's really nothing much i'm looking for on my birthday. I have what I want...and I get what I need. I'm happy. Thats all i can ask for.

I'm sorry about the lack of updates. I've been a tad overwhelmed with the amount of school, work and other obligations I've found myself in. It's nobody's fault but my own. Then again, I can't complain about being bored.

Don't ask me what I'm going to do for my birthday. I'm always indifferent about it every year...

Summer is now over and school just started. BLAH.

It's funny how summer was such a blur to me...especially these last 2 weeks. Arnell had to leave for home to tie up loose ends before he makes his move down the coast. No. Mind you that he planned to move to Southern Cali before he even met me. Anyway, I've been meeting his friends. Spending good quality time and not-so-quality time with him. Got fucked up at Rage. Lastly, I felt the sadness and anxiety of seeing him leave. I know that there's still a lot of things that need to settle before we can continue. I know that he loves me and he's coming back as soon as he can.

Yeah, it was a little difficult to sleep last night. I even slept through his call at 6:30 this morning since I finally withered away by 4am. I know that it'll be difficult to have to wait for him. But, it's worth the wait right? Uh huh... I thought so too.

So far, school hasn't been too much of a hassle. It gives me time to get by and keeps me distracted from worrying about him while he's away. Nonetheless, he keeps in contact to make sure I'm not a complete mess. I love him for that.

The days will pass. The dreams will continue. I'll wait as long as I have to.

If you're wondering, YES. Life and love is good. I'm in a great mood. I'm motivated. I'm loved. I'm happy. Seeing my bro, Lei, and Scott was refreshing too. It's almost uncanny how Scott loves Arnell so much. heh. Whoddathunkit?!

Okay, that's about it for updates. Maybe I'll recap my summer once I get home. I love you all. I miss you all. Thank you and I'm sorry. ((there. I think I covered all my bases))

so kiss me and smile for me...
tell me that you'll wait for me...
hold me like you'll never let me go...

Productive day...

Apartment hunting.

First time at Dave & Busters! GOOD TIMES!

Okay, time to go home...I have lots to worry about tomorrow. whew. things are working out for the both of us. I hope that things continue to improve...

((you were right maw...LOVE YOU!))

Beb, I know that your life needs some sdjusting. Don't lose hope. It's okay to be scared, but it's not okay to give into fear. Things will look up. Things will settle. I believe that in God...all things are possible.

I will help as best as I can if you let me. We can get through it. I know we can.

That is FUCKING it.

I'm so done with the haters on my tagboard. Who the fuck do you think you are to judge me? Why do you feel the need to validate YOUR pathetic ass life by attempting to shit talk mine? How can I rant about love? Like this bitch. READ CAREFULLY.

I love Erik Arnell. I feel sorry for the people YOU love. You don't even have enough self-respect for yourself. You look so fucking stupid typing shit on my blogger. Obviously, if you're ragging on people and don't even have the courage to step up and tell everyone who you are, then you don't deserve love. What? I'm pathetic? I'm not the one who leaves nameless messages on other people's shit. I'm not the one who is so narrow minded. You're the one with egg on your face dumbass. Face the muusic. You find love in places you don't expect.

Bitch, don't cross me. I'm not going to be the only one who'd get in your face. Get a life. I was pretty passive before...BUT DON'T EVER QUESTION MY NOTION OF LOVE.

Love is unconditional right? So shut your fucking face. There are no conditions here. There are no strings attached. I'm happy. Obviously I know what love is. I love myself. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my man...

My man is holding me and supporting me while I write this. YOU LIKE THAT SHIT? Does that bother you? I hope it does. You can't just sit there and talk big. You have no idea what I'm capable of. I'm human too. Love is blind. Love is perfect. Love does not judge.

Don't talk unless you're in my shoes...besides, I'm sure that my shoes are a hell of a lot cuter than whatever the fuck your sorry ass wears. Walk mother fucker...WALK. Your talk is cheap.

Prokvoke me more and see what happens. Like I said...you have no idea what I'm capable of. Keep it up and I'll take my tagboard down and you'll just ruin it for everyone. Try to keep reading. I hope you hate what I write. It'll only validate my standpoint. I'm better than you and at this rate...EVERYONE is better than you.

FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF...you really think that you're gonna change me? Well guess what bitch. I'm gonna change the world. I feel sorry for people like you.

The best revenge is living well. I'm alive now. I'm living as well as I can and things will only get better. I have all the love and support I need. I suggest you go out and you find it for yourself.

Now if you'll excuse me. I have to kiss my LOVING boyfriend.

(Sorry everyone...i had to stoop pretty low and speak on their level...maybe this time they'll understand.)

Sorry for the lack of updates. Just to let you all know I've been stuck somewhere and I can't get out. "Where?" you ask? I'm on cloud nine and I only keep on ascending. This is been one of the greatest weeks of my life. I don't know where this road will lead but everyone told me to run with it. I'll run until I can't continue. He said that he'd pick me up and keep on going. The best is yet to come.

If I knew anything about love...

it's all because of Arnell.

My knight in a wifebeater and jeans has finally come to sweep me off my feet.

Thank you God for sending me an angel.

He challenges my MIND...
He rocks my BODY...
He completes my SOUL...
He inspires my SPIRIT...

There are times where I just don't believe it. I get so giddy thinking about him. Let's see where this goes...

and the turn...

2 of hearts.

When the heart breaks...
fix it.

When the heart speaks...
listen to it.

When the heart sings...
sing a long with it.

I've been given another path to take. I've been given a chance to consider. Though everything seems beyond reason, it doesn't feel wrong. I have nothing to lose anymore. I'm gonna pick it up and run with it. I'll run until I have no where else to go.

My heart is stubborn.

So am I.

What do you do when a friend is scared and there are no words to comfort him?
LISTEN.

What do you say when you have no advice?
Nothing at all...just LISTEN.

What do you do when you feel powerless to aid a friend in need?
LISTEN...that's worth more than most people know.

Friend,

I will speak out for you if you need a voice. I will listen to what you have to say. I will lend an ear so you feel that you have been heard. When the scariest of times come, I'll be here for you to run to. Whether that means that I have to struggle with you...or at the least sit and listen to you speak and lighten a heavy heart. My troubles are meaningless when you are in need. Speak on. Make a choice. Be heard. Be understood. Do not think that the world will turn on you for something that was out of your hands. I'm sorry bad things happen to good people. You don't deserve to be scared and cornered like that. I'm here for you...

It irks me to think that maybe I'm just not good enough. My brother was right. I should just be single. (Now, I'm just not even gonna mess with the scene.) I should just leave well enough alone and leave the dating scene for a while. If a guy wants to date me, he'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to impress me. He would have to do a lot more than usual. Yes. I'm totally bad vibin on the gay male population now. I'm a not bitter hater though. Even the nice guys don't want the nice guy. Is there something wrong with me that no one wants to date me? I don't know. I don't know what guys want right now. I don't even know what I want.

I'm tired of all of it. Maybe I'll find a guy who would recognize the 100% I give and return 110% of it back. Hmph...right, and I'm on the cover of GQ.

"Mark, you're a great guy. I can't imagine no one wanting to date you. It's their loss. You'd make such a good boyfriend."

I'd make a good boyfriend? Hmph. How can that be true? I haven't had much experience.

I've heard that same shit over and over again. I'm starting to just not believe it. It's become so trivial to me now. It's not even ringing true in my head. If I was so great then why doesn't anyone want what I have to offer? I mean really folks, it seems that I get the short end of the stick. It seems that I'm just "a good friend" to people. Friendships are great, but that's not the void I need want to fill.

Tonight wasn't an eye opener. It was just another nail in the coffin. I should have seen it coming. I never win...so why should I even hope? What makes me think that a guy like him would even be remotely interested in a guy like me? Then again, what kind of guy is looking for a guy like me? My cousin says the guys I choose are the wrong ones. So why am I always the wrong one to everyone else?

I offered my heart, but no one would take it.
I bared my secrets but they were used against me.
I cried over lost opportunities, yet dried my own tears.
I sang a song that no one could hear.
I lifted myself up for a better view only to be knocked back down to where I belong...the bottom.

Mourn not for the pieces of my heart, but for the owner who cannot fix it.

OH. MY. GAD.

It's been a little over a year since I came out to my parents. CHECK THIS OUT...

I think it's time that I took the time to let you all know what has been going on with my life as of late. This entry is going to be a LONG one so I hope you have nothing to do. Trust me, this isn't an entry you want to skim through. Just take your time.

A lot has been going on with Mark Andrew Ocampo Kaiklian. A lot has happened even before I left for Oahu a few weeks ago. Thanks to a few people, my life has changed. I have learned so much about myself and my place in the world. Relationships have both strenghthened and weakened in the past weeks. My life went through a whole myriad of emotions, thoughts, opinions, and especially experiences. I have gained a new respect for myself, for my family and my friends. Unfortunately, I have lost the respect for others in the process. In any case, I need to maintain, or even regain, my equilibrium. In one month all of this happened to me: I have made new friends. I thought I fell in love. My heart was broken. My belief system was attacked. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I went to Disneyland. Strengthened friendships. Lost friendships. I realized how lucky I really am. Basically, I grew up.

So what exactly happened in Oahu? What was so special about my trip to paradise? What did I learn? What did I acheive? Why was it a trip I would never forget?

I'll let you know in a sec.

It was my first time in Hawaii. For months I was looking forward to this trip. I wouldn't stop ranting about it to all my friends. I'm sure my raving grew stale to them...but wouldn't you get really giddy if you were leaving for Hawaii for the first time?! The days slivered away and the depature date creeped closer and closer. I actually didn't pack until the night before the trip and our flight was at 10am. You could probably imagine my fatigue. The first thing I remember was the crisp sea breeze caressing my skin. I took a deep breath and said to myself, "We're here!" My uncle surprised us at the airport and had given us all leis. I was hoping I'd get one upon landing. hahaha.

For a week we saw the sights, lived the island life, and shopped like there was no tomorrow. I tried to absorb the history, life and culture of the island.

So what made this trip so different?

I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I have actually been out to my friends and some of my family...but not to my parents. I told myself I would tell them...and a good friend helped me out. His support means so much to me. I wasn't going to forgive myself if I didn't clear the air. When I had told them my mom's first and immediate response was, "I know anak, I've known since you were 8. It's just a mother's instinct." Right after my dad jumped in and said, "We're family. I want to try to understand you. You don't have to worry about anything." At this point I cried. I feared the worst with my dad. They were confused as to why it was so hard for me to tell them; why it was such a big deal to me. I explained that my final closure was knowing that, of all people, I was able to tell my parents that I was gay. They said that they love me no matter what and that I don't have to worry about anything. My mom agreed when we talked about how I can minister to the kids who are unsure or scared to accept their sexuality. So now, it makes no difference who knows I'm gay or not. The fact is that my parents, friends and family know and they are okay with it...well most of them are.

Since then, I pursued relationships. My heart was broken a few times and I felt like giving up. I eventually found one who could handle me. He makes me feel whole. He understands me... So yes...I am exclusively seeing someone now and my parents know.

The funny thing about this whole story was how I finally decided to tell my parents. During our trip I prayed to God for a sign that it would be okay to tell my parents. The next day, while we were getting ready for breakfast, we noticed a lot of commotion coming from outside our window. Was this my sign that I had asked for? You tell me. It turns out the Gay Pride parade was working its way through Honolulu. I thought to myself, "Shit, if that's not a subtle sign...I don't know what is." Me, my dad and my sister went down to watch it. I had noticed that neither of them were phased by all the queers parading down the street. It was all done in a tasteful fashion mind you...

I know not all of you who are reading this know that I'm fruitier than a box of Froot Loops, but if you don't like my shit...then don't smell it.

I have done a lot of growing up. I have done a lot of suffering and it has finally ended. My life has changed for the better and I thank God that I am alive and sane enough to work through it all. My chain has been broken. I am free to live. I am free to love. I am free from my old self.

I want to know what you all think...even the haters. Give me what you got and I'll shoot you down faster than a terrorist fighter jet.

I wanted to break the news and spit out a new layout, but I was just too lazy to get another one done. In any case, expect a lot of changes around here.

The closet door has been opened. I needed some fresh air.

He has work. =(

I'm looking forward to some plans I made with someone for Friday.

*cheesy grin*
*does a stupid little dance*

I want to say that it's sort of a date, but I'm not sure. It seems kind of hasty of me to call it a "date." How about I call it a "night to take someone out to dinner and a movie with the intent to get to know him better?" Whatever you want to call it...I hope it goes well. He seems like great guy. Oddly, he wants to see "The Village" and I'm so bad with scary movies. Is that his way of making me cling on to him? I kid. I kid...but I'm serious about the scary movie part. I'm such a wussy.

I'm really not going to expect anything though. Most of my friends know how jaded I am when it comes to men. Whatever happens...happens. I just hope I can show him a good time.

**********

Maw...

Never forget who you are.
Never forget your true value.
Never let any one keep you from soaring.
Never stop to second guess your heart.
Never live in regret for following it either.
Never let anyone dictate who you are.
Never forget that you are not alone.
Never mind what other people say about you.
Never let anyone validate you.

Always remember you are loved
...for who you are.
...for who you are not.
...for everything you should be.
...and for everything that you hope to be.

Always hold your head high
...when someone tries to steal your thunder.
...when someone speaks ill of you.
...when no one else will believe in you.

Always remember that someone
...is always thinking about you.
...loves you more than you know.
...is glad to have you as a friend.
...knows everything about you and likes you anyway.
...recognizes how special you are.

When you fall I will stand you up again.
If cannot walk, I will carry you.

Just so you know...I'm not taking sides. There's no side to take.

I know I audio posted about an hour ago...but I thought that maybe my voice was getting somewhat stale. heh...so back to lovely old text I go...

These past few days have been really good to me. Though I didn't win money, I feel like my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and my whole self just got a jumpstart. I feel really refreshed, scared, excited, confused, anxious, and just happy...I know that it seems like my feelings are totally contrasted here, but there was just so much that went on while I wasn't home.

I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but I think that things are looking up right now. I mean, things were either on par or sub par... Now, it seems like just because I left, everything (well...almost everything) has changed for the better. I've been presented with a path and I hope that I don't trip upon taking it. I've been confused and a little saddened by some bad news. I've also been pleasantly surprised with myself in general.

I'm not worried anymore.

I am officially calling off the Seattle trip. That's why I was able to gamble while I was here in Vegas. I'm okay with it. It's also too late to take it back...I don't have enough money anymore and I cancelled the paperwork for the reservations.

I guess it's for the best.

I'm gonna try to sleep now. LOL the sun is up.

OFF TO VEGAS!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

I had such a great time at Rage the other night. I was totally sober and I made a couple of new friends.

In other news, I'm here at Palos Verdes spending some quality time with my brother and sister in law. Naturally, there's some good quality time with the nephew also. heh. Anyway, I had a good time tonight and there was a lot of eating involved. haha.

I'm leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow and I'm not really excited to go. I mean, I know that I go there pretty often, but it's not because of that. I guess it's because I don't have any cash that I can use to play. Well, whatever it is...I'm sure I'll be able to make the most of my time there. Maybe the pretty lights and the loud bells will snap me out of this little slump of mine.

I'm going to use this getaway to just have fun. I need time to myself to think things over and I need to just get away from people and things that have been either confusing me or getting on my nerves. I have so much to worry about but I think I should leave it all behind for a few days. So if I don't answer my phone don't wonder why. It's not that I don't want to talk to any of you. I just want to absorb the Vegas nightlife.

I'm going to get back to my food. It's getting cold and possibly eaten. hahaha. Maybe I'll stay the night and get some free starbucks in the morning...LOL.

WISH ME LUCK!

It's funny how circumstances aren't always ideal. There are times where obviously I cannot control them. There times where I should have taken the initiative to change them. Nonetheless, sometimes the only thing you can do is admit defeat.

It's human nature to long for something one cannot have. Though it hurts, sometimes one would take that step to look past the circumstance(s) holding them back. Most of the time (for me anyway) it ends with me crashing and burning.

I've learned to try my best to protect my feelings and the feelings of others. Whether its to benefit myself or to aid someone else even if it's at my own expense.

The last thing I'd want to do is to hurt someone, especially when it concerns love, emotion, feelings, and/or self-esteem. I wish there was more that I can do for a certain friend of mine...but again sometimes the only option is admitting defeat.

We're all human. We all have the capability to hurt and be hurt. Sometimes it's completely unintentional...

To my friend:
Never worry about your value. It will only increase. Don't question your worth based on another person. You're worth more than you know. If the world starts to cave in, call on me. Never hesitate to come to me for anything. I will try my best to be a friend and at the least be someone to support you whether you are right or wrong. All I can really be is friend and that I will try to keep that promise I made.

Never forget who you are. Always remember how special you are.

Thank you.

I had such a great time with the guys the other day.

SLEEP OVER!

No Disneyland.

No OC Fair.

No Museums.

Laguna Beach.

South Coast Plaza.

King's Hawaiian and the cute waiter Rich.

Redondo Pier.

Fantastic Four.........skin. LOL! (don't ask!)

Good times.

AH LUV YOO GAHZ. haha.

I just finished reminicing over my old choir days in high school. I remember that my junior year was quite difficult as well as memorable. I was listening to the 1999 ERHS Spring Concert and I lost myself completely into the past. With each song, I ran the gamut of emotions. With songs like, Turn the World Around, Dire't on, Miserere Mei, & All My Trials, it was easy to attach cetain feelings and sparked different thoughts of my supposed cloudy past. I laughed a little bit, and yes...dare I say it; I teared a little bit. I also remembered how easy life was back then. I was so naive too. If I had been told who I was going to be today, I wouldn't have believed it. I miss the carefree days of high school...as difficult as they were for me; struggling with myself inside. I miss how I didn't have to worry about money or having to budget my time so much. I mean, I was more active in high school, but I guess I had to burn out eventually and come crashing down. In any case, it was nice to have the music and memories carry me away.

Life was so easy...unlike nowadays. I've made my mistakes, said my part, and overstayed a few welcomes before. It's life. It comes with the territory I guess.

As I sang along with the old tape (YES. audio tape), I would close my eyes and still see myself on that old stage. I remembered my teacher's words before every big performance. "If you pass this threshold of the stage, you are NO longer ERHS students. You are better than that. You are performers first. Act accordingly." I miss the old me, but I'm more than content with who I am now. My past molded me, my thoughts, my emotions, my love for life and God.

There was one song that I could never get out of my head, All My Trials. It was an African spiritual that certainly meant a lot to the choir that year. After all, we won the command performance competition and worked so hard that year since it was Mr. Bockleman's last performance with us.

Yeah, I guess I was thinking a lot tonight. I didn't go anywhere. It kind of made me sad, but I just made myself useful.

All my trials Lord soon be over.

...now hush little baby don't you cry,
you know that man was born to die.

Heh...mortality. Yet another reality to swallow. One day my trials will be over. When that day comes, I'll know that I have lived a full and happy life.

I guess today was a tad interesting.
 
I've learned that karmic retrubution is one harsh bitch to screw with.
 
I've learned that sometimes shit happens to you...so DEAL WITH IT.
 
I've learned that it's okay for friends to drift as long as you don't let go completely.
 
I've always known that one should take responsibility for his or her own actions...whether it be deliberate or not...but I guess I shouldn't have taken that notion for granted.
 
I think I've overstayed my welcome in the downe community...

I feel special. My mommy got me my favorite ice cream. =)

The dance group is going well. I'm having a lot of fun with the group.

I'm feeling creative. I'm FINALLY designing a new website layout for my server. (SORRY ARIEL!!!) I'm almost done with the actual layout and the aesthetics are as good as done. I'm officially out of my sketchbook phase. Hopefully, I'll be done before I leave for Vegas.

The old design is really stale...being that I tossed it up there in one night. I hope you SDYMers will like the new look and new ideas.

DAMN IT'S HOT TODAY!

I really feel like I had a good day today. I thought that I was going to hate being home alone for the weekend, but I'm really liking it...

Today, I went to a not-so-great taping today, but I had fun nonetheless. It's always the company I'm with who make it good. I was with Keith, Mario, Gail, & Kookee watching "Balderdash" for PAX Television. It made me think about the LS boys for some reason.

sidenote: It's odd how I take this whole LA culture thing for granted. I mean, I live in one of the greatest cities in the world. There's so much to experience here, yet sometimes I feel like a tourist in my own city. It's kinda sad really... Where ever you live, I urge everyone to soak up the local culture. There's always a lot to see and do if you just look.

ANYWAY...

I got home and I figured that maybe I'd finish my laundry. I was happy to notice that I had gotten rid of my piles of dirty clothes and formed them into towering stacks of clean clothes. I took a nap intending on going to Randy's tonight for a BBQ, but I settled on staying home for the night. After all, I'm home alone, I might as well enjoy the seclusion, right?

I decided to just go to a Starbucks on a whim. I found a lot of change while doing my laundry...so I figured I deserved a little treat. I needed some air anyway. I ended up strolling Brand Boulevard for a while sipping on my iced tea and thumbed through some graphic art books at Borders. After about an hour, I needed a change of scenery, so I headed off to the Barnes and Nobles on Glendale Avenue. I did exactly the same thing there... I continued to sip and skim. About 35 minutes later the store was about to close so I decided to head out.

When I got home, I popped the last load into the dryer and decided to make some dinner for myself. I thought it would be kind of nice to set up a candlelit table for myself to set a relaxing ambience. I had some Chicken pesto and made my own garlic bread and some herbed oil dip for the bread too. To top it off, I had a little White Zinfindel to take the edge off.

I actually enjoy this whole home alone deal...It's not often that I get to do it, but I'm feeling really productive and relaxed. I can do what I want...when I want. Of course, I was able to do that before...but it's nice not having to fight over things and have people test my patience here at home.

As much as I wanted to go out...I just felt the need to be alone tonight. I'm actually looking forward to making breakfast tomorrow. haha...and I don't even eat breakfast. I'm not up early enough.

So there you have it...I've been having a good weekend. Let's hope I can cover that shift tomorrow at work so I can make a little extra money for my Seattle fund. Anyone want to donate? haha. I kid. I kid.

Let's hope the rest of the weekend goes well...

I can't stop feeling like this. I know it's completely irrational. It's not my style. I wish it wasn't like that. I was so happy not having to think about it...but now look. I never thought I'd be in this position. Ugh. I'm stupid.

It wouldn't work. Would it? *sigh*

Thanks for a good time tonight Gail. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I'm so happy today.

Have you ever started liking someone that you knew you couldn't have?

I think I'm starting to feel that way and it really sucks.

Why does the world have to tease me like that? *sigh*

I had a great July 4th! haha.

-met justin's family and cousins and their boyfriends (cute boyfriends...haha).
-shot some hoops for the first time in ages.
-got to light some cool fireworks for the first time in 15 years.
-played bartender (im glad everyone liked my drinks...even his parents!)
-got drunk. (haha)
-made some new friends.

Good times all around. =)

Here's a friend test for you all. (I was bored. Sorry. hahaha.)

Just to warn you now...IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT. haha.

You enjoy life. You know what fun is and people
admire you for your natural flare. People
either love you or hate you but you know what
you want, and you couldn't care less. You're
the Carefree Hip Styled type of Gay Guy.


What type of gay guy are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Long day...oh lordy what a long day.

First off, I had to take my mom to work at the ungodly hour of 6:30 am...like I usually do. I hate it. I get home and I couldn't get to back to sleep until 9:30 am. I wanted to wake up at about 1100 am at the latest so I could run some errands and just leave straight to the beach...but no... my alarm didn't go off and I didn't get up until 2:30. I also had to get my paycheck. I was hoping that it would help me out quite a bit for my trip. It didn't. I made more money dealing cards for the guys the other night. I was REALLY upset about the fact I'm so far from having enough money for this trip. I was also on call but I wasn't needed...just like I thought. I still haven't eaten at this point. I left a little before 4:00 and I was STARVING. I was caught in traffic so I thought that making a detour would speed things up a bit. Of course...it didn't for some odd reason, the flow of traffic was worse on the sidestreets. I didn't get home until about 4:45. I was pissed since it took me 3 times as long to get home as it normally should.

I finally get home to start to eat and I microwave the family leftovers and popped open the rice cooker only to hear my Lola say, "Aye, Mark...wala nang kanin. Kinain ni mommy at daddy mo. O...Gusto mong tinapay?." (Mark, there's no more rice. Your parents ate it all. How about bread instead?) That sent me over the edge. I would have thought that food would stop the bleeding but it only dragged the laceration wide open. I just left my shit in the microwave and just trodded off into my room. I stared at the ceiling and I started to count the money I have stashed away for the trip. It upset me even more...I eventually ate since my lola was nice enough to cook me a batch to eat.

I was too angry to join the LS boys at Hermosa. After some talking to by Ben and Alan, I decided to leave. I left at about 6:15-6:20. I was hoping to get there by 7:30. There was a misunderstanding with the directions and I veered off course by about 35 minutes. That was the last straw for me. I was fuming mad. I was really frustrated with the whole day. I wanted to just go straight home. I was sobbing to John on the phone and telling him that I was just going to head home. It's too late. I wasted my time and my gas. I was PISSED!

I decided to just go to the beach. I wanted to just walk the shore. I wanted to sit on the sand and just BREATHE. They didn't even let me do that. I was so pissed that I was just breaking shit. I kicked around a dome lid from a public trash can. My foot got kinda messed up as a result. It's okay though. I had to I drove for over 2 hours and all I wanted to do was sit. I gave in and we went to the pier to eat. I wasn't feeling like eating but the pizza looked pretty inviting. Eventually, my temper died down, but the whole night I had this overwhelming emptiness.

I hate the fact that I missed the whole day with them. I missed everything only because I was out having a bad day. I was looking forward to so much only to miss it.

Ugh...tomorrow is a new day. I have work and nothing else so maybe I could do something for myself.

[[[I'm kinda irritated right now. I totally hate having to get up at 6 something in the morning to drive my mom to work. I hate how it fucks up plans for me...but what choice do I have?]]]

The more I think about it, the more it worries me... I'm just not sure if I can make this trip...but I'll be damned if I don't. I have just about a dollar left in my checking account. There's about a month left and I have a little less than 25% of the money and I'm STILL struggling to save up. Selling my shit at Crossroads didn't work (though I'm going to keep trying). There aren't too many cans to collect around here. Collecting cans just makes me feel so fucking pathetic too, but I'm trying the best I can. Work isn't even giving me hours. In fact, I don't have any fucking hours next week. Today is payday and I'll consider myself lucky to even have a $40 paycheck. I can't really look for a new job considering the fact that if I get a better one, it would reflect badly on me to ask for a whole week off in August. The only thing that's paying my gas every week is dealing cards for the guys. Obviously, I can't afford to gamble what I earn each week. I don't even really want to ask for handouts either. ugh.

Things are looking really bleak for me. I can't really drive anywhere. I can't even afford to buy something to eat when there's no food here. Now, the guys want to go to Soak City and I can't afford to go, let alone drive there.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure all of a sudden. I'm just gonna have to get a little more creative if I expect to earn and save to meet my goal.

(I'm sure most of you who are reading this are saying, "Shut up, Mark. Stop complaining about money...")

Oh Poe...you really know how to make a guy feel loved. Thanks for the phone call. Love you sister. haha.

I find myself thinking about a lot of things lately. There have been a few complications here and there but nothing that I can't fix. I just had to push a few things up. (Sorry about practice guys!)

I'm not sure what to think about myself. I really want to change a lot. I REALLY gotta get my room cleaned ASAP. I want to change this layout. I was so set to do so today, but I was a tad distracted.

I feel as if something is weighing me down today. I'm not upset...I'm just feeling really useless at the moment.

I feel unattractive.
I feel dirty.
I feel poor.
I feel stupid.
I feel useless.
I feel weird.

But...I'm not sad.

Money is still really tight at the moment. I still don't get enough hours. I'm still collecting cans. I never thought that I'd have to resort to that. I'm even going to sell some clothes. I'm going to sell some of my clothes. I'm already hand picking a couple of FCUK shirts and some jeans to get rid of. If it comes down to it, I'm going to sell that black denim jacket my mom bought for me a while back. I don't really wear it, but it just means a lot to me. heh. How stupid. I'm working, yet I'm selling my clothes. I also remembered that I might be able to sell my books after the summer school rush. I wasn't able to do so since none of my books were needed.

MONEY! ARGH! The cause and solution to all of life's problems.

Fucking CSUN...the advisor didn't release the hold and now i can't fucking register for any of my classes. I did EVERYTHING right this time and something still manages to mess up. Damn. That sucks.

Great...if I don't get the classes I need, Lord knows how much longer it's gonna be for me to graduate. FUCK.

Wow the previous post was my 1,234th post! (Okay that was SOOO trivial...hahaha)

Back to my entry for the night...

Change.

It's something that we can't change. There has been a lot of shifts in my comfort zone lately, but I think I'm all settled and ready to keep moving. I'm not saying that all of the changes were negative, they're just all fact of the matter. That's all. Negativity only paves the way to positive vibes if you allow it.

My outlook on myself has definately changed. I've tried to a better friend, brother, uncle, and mentor after embracing my "shift." It was something that I needed to take and work with it. My new outlook at the moment is: "If you can't hide it...decorate it." There are parts of me that aren't so desiratble so I guess I'm just gonna have to make the most of my circumstances.

My outlook with certain people and colleagues have changed as well. I think that I'm more comfortable with my place and with my role as a friend. Honesty is hard to give as it is to receive. That's all I have to say about that.

My outlook on men has changed as well. I'm not in that "fuck em. I don't care anymore." kind of mode. I'm just going to accept that I am single; plain and simple. Why should a "caller" have to suffer because of past guys who didn't work out? Every case is different... I'm not gonna expect someone to just walk in my workplace and just ask me out for coffee. It doesn't happen that way. Yeah, I may have some void inside that a boyfriend could fill...but I guess right now, it's not really a priority. Besides, with downe friends like mine, I feel wanted and loved already. Love is meant to be taken slowly and sometimes with a grain of salt. I should stop taking myself so seriously sometimes.

To my new friends who "found each other"

First off...THANKS FOR TELLING ME ASSES! Someone else had to tell me! Sheesh. I feel out of the loop! haha. jk.

I hope that things work out for you. You guys are both good friends of mine and I'm there for you guys. =)

Okay, it's getting late and I have to wake up tomorrow...eventually. haha. It's vacation time and I'm off...sleeping in is a MUST. Thanks for sticking through this entry...my posts have been pretty hefty lately.

G O O D N I G H T.

Money has been really tight for me right now... I keep getting calls from the creditors to pay my bills. I want to be able to go to Vegas at least ONCE this summer and I have to be able to fund a trip to Seattle this August.

The fact is, I don't get enough hours and I don't make nearly enough money to support myself at all.

Sigh. this is what I plan to do to make money.

1) collect cans
2) deal poker rather than play it
3) NO clubbing unless it's free
4) NO unnecessary driving
5) sell my clothes
6) middleman in illegal activities? haha.
7) set up a donation paypal box on my website.
8) look for a new job!

I'm determined to make this trip. I dont have anything to look forward to this summer if this trip goes under.

FUCKING PAC SUN! GIMME HOURS!

no one call me till further notice.

...long story. nothing bad... just long.

Okay, this was WAY too funny to not write about. I know its really a messed up hour right now but I felt the need to share this with you.

So there's this guy that IMs me and we talk on rare occasion. It seems that he's sexually attracted to me...nothing more. He's trying to find clever ways to get into my pants...or at least trying to get me into his. In any case. I find it amusing that he thinks that I'm crazy enough to hook up with him. The first time he wanted to meet me at Rage...but I ended up not going since the group unanimously decided to have a low budget kind of night. I didn't tell him. I don't need to. Anyway, he asked me to go with him because he had a hotel room. Now why would I want to go to his room, spend the night there and have him drive me home, when I can drive myself home? Yeah. It's a smidge obvious what his intentions were. Anyway, thats not the story...Tonight I was up late IMing people here and there and he IMs me. I'm going to paraphrase the conversation for you...

him: hey
me: hi
him: how are you?
me: i'm good. can't sleep and i'm kinda bored
him: yeah me too. i'm watching porn
me: hahaha i see
him: wanna do something?
me: why? it's like 3:30 am. what's there to do? (me pretending to be naive and innocent here)
him: jack off?
him: why don't you cum over?
me: haha. I'm not THAT bored. I took care of my shit anyway. (fabricating an excuse and explaining why i'm not horny and willing to play his game)
him: did you cum a lot?
him: how big are you?
me: Why don't you take care of that and I'll wait right here. It sounds like that porno got you worked up.
***doesn't respond for the rest of the night***

First off, does he really think that I'm going to fall for his "charming" invitation to engage in meaningless sex? I'll admit that it's a boost for my ego...but there's no way I'm going to reduce myself into being someone's sex toy. I mean, it's kind of fun to pretend that I'm so naive and that I don't know what he's leading to. It's amusing to me that I'm being pleasant in response to his requests and insinuations. Okay...it's fun being a cocktease. My ego needs that boost. I could easily say "no" in a bitchy way. But where's the fun in that?

He has no idea who he's dealing with. I'm not some male bimbo ready to pounce on the first ass that hits on me. Sheesh. Men these days...and you wonder why I'm not feeling a relationship right now. haha.

I don't think he reads this...but if he does:
Don't embarass yourself by trying to get me in your bed. I know better than that. I think with my mind and heart, not my cock. If you have other things to talk about besides sex then I'm willing to listen. Your lines and invitations may have worked on other guys...but I'm not like that.

Men. Can't live with em...can't live without em. ha.

It hurts my heart when all I can do is imagine someone suffering and there's nothing that I can do to stop it. Hardship isn't something we all want to witness.

I just got a phone call from a close friend tonight and it literally stopped my heart. In an instant I wanted to cry. I wanted to just pray that everything would be okay. I wish that I was the one who had to go through that...not my friend. I wish I could have done something to stop it.

I'm still in shock.

Dear friend, always know that I'm here to ease your pains, listen to your sorrows, pray for your soul, and carry you when you cannot walk. I am truly sorry for what happened. Never give in and never give up.

In lieu of father's day, I thought that it would only be appropriate to write about fathers...

A few of the most influential people in my life have been fathers. First off, the greatest father who ever lived was such a big part of my life. My grandfather, Abner Kaiklian is the reason why I have so much respect for my father. He's the reason why I don't smoke. He's the reason why I don't fight with my brother and cousins. He has been the voice of reason for the whole family; a true king. For over 18 years his words will always ring in my head. I will never forget his words whenever I would be impatient..."by and by...it will come by and by." I'll never forget the magic tricks, the stories, and his laugh. I will always love my lolo.

My dad...sometimes I wonder where he gets the strength to work as many hours as he does. Day in and day out he tirelessly toils over work just trying to provide for us. We get much more than we deserve as a family from him. He makes sure that we're happy and well taken care of. He sacrifices so much; his time, energy, money...and sometimes sanity. I love him very much and I know that he never stopped loving me. I am really fortunate to have a father figure like him.

My brother...he is such a dedicated dad. He takes fatherhood seriously and also with a spoonful of sugar. I can't think of a more suitable successor of my lolo and my dad. Scott is one lucky kid to have Sim as a dad.

I hope one day I'll be a dad.

Happy father's day to all dads, lolos, godfathers, and all types of father figures. Thanks for making the world a better place.

Last night was fun. Drinking, dancing, and dodging...

I'm not really in the mood to write too much. I needed that time to have some fun and forget my troubles. I got manhandled. Good times though.

Things are still rocky...but its all good.

I'm back.

It's always good to take time out for yourself. I needed time to just stop and think things over for myself. I didn't need people screaming in my ear. I didn't need more outside opinions to confuse or bias my thought process.

So what did I come out with? Apparently, I come off arrogant. That's fine. I can be a real bitch sometimes. I can be real critical of a lot of things. I can stand for what I believe in and be confident about it. No matter what I do or how I appear doing it...I don't mean to hurt people. It's not something I do. Why should it bug me that someone pointed out my supposed arrogance?

I've been told that someone who gets knocked down a lot should be able to assert himself.

I've been told that someone who is confident can be quite intimidating to others.

I've been told that I have the attitude and mentality of an artist.

I've been told that I'm anal retentive.

...but no matter what I've been told, I know who I am. Only I dictate who I am. No one has the right to compromise my character. I know what I stand for. I understand the complexities of my nature. Besides God, no one else does. So why should I beat myself up over people who cannot embrace the good and the bad in me? Why should I have to question my ideals, morals, beliefs, opinions, or actions?

Everyone can be arrogant to some extent. It's all relative. Each of us take pride in different things and people.

***********

Not everything in my world is fixed. I still hurt inside. I have pieces missing inside. There are still questions unanswered and there are still wounds that I need to tend to. I'm back up on my feet, but I still need to reach my pace again.

Thank you to those who have helped me through these rough days. Thank you to those who expressed their concern and for their patience. I'm not always an easy person to deal with, but if you truly knew me...I'm really not as bad as I lead some people to believe.

Things won't be the same anymore...but then again, change is inevitable.

I'm talking to John (Clapper) while I write this ((HI JOHN!))

I guess I never really stopped to think how much the Homies Bestest group has grown. Last night, Justin and Jad graduated from Bishop Montgomery and today John will be graduating from Ayala High. Stop and think about this for a second. As a group, we haven't been "together" as long it seems...yet we share so much together. We are there to support each other at the worst parts of our lives and obviously the greatest moments and acheivements. We've shared so much. We've changed so much. We're all growing together and I'm extremely grateful for for them.

This summer holds a lot of promise. It's totally the summer of the seagull. We're going to have to enjoy our time together since big changes are ahead.

Congratulations to the Homies Bestest/Lesbian Seagulls class of 2004!

I love you.

Thank you.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope we have the time of our lives."

I'm glad that I didn't have to work for the past few days. I needed some time to regenerate and replenish the mind, body & soul. I'm seriously considering taking off Sundays so I can go back to choir. This is the first time in 8 years that my attendance was a little off balance. heh. I miss confirmation too. I can't wait for leadership training to start.

Last night was something I needed. Shoe and clapper really made me feel beter. Spending time with the guys is the best remedy for what ails you. We all forgot what was bugging me to begin with. haha. We scoped the area for some fun and even checked out some downe guys just for fun. Our score was 19 I think. haha. I guess some of us LS boys were kinda bad vibin' for a while. Each of us have been going through a lot lately. So much is going on...espeically now that we're planning on going on a roadtrip this August. I'm excited to take that trip...and I don't have a problem planning it out. heh. We're all growing up and growing closer...it takes work sometimes, but it's worth it.

I don't need a man to validate me. In fact, I don't need ANYONE to validate who I am. I may not be crossing ideal guys right now...but in due time I will. When my world is ready for a relationship it will come. I've been getting a lot of support from friends and family. Even my parents are wondering why I'm still single. They even occasionally ask about my ex-boyfriend from time to time. My brother hears all of the goings on with me and men and gives me open minded and great advice...so I'll take it. Relationships aren't a main priority on my list right now. Sex? hahaha. That can totally wait. It's not what I'm looking for anyway. Though I've got some offers to hook up, it's not my style. Meaningless sex is exactly what it is...meaningless.

I still have a few loose ends to take care of but...one day at a time. That's all. It's also a good thing I'm making good use of my palm pilot. It's keeping me organized with meetings, graduations, parties, work, church, and appointments. hahaha. It's nice to have a grasp on time.

In the meantime...GO LAKERS! I HOPE THEY WIN TONIGHT!

Gotta go. The bro and I are hittin up the local Starbucks.

A prayer for myself and for the friends who need peace of mind, body, and soul...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference
living on day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it
trusting that You will make things right if I surrender to Your will
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You in the next.

Amen

Maybe we've drifted over time. Maybe we don't see eye to eye all the time, but no matter what happens... I love you just the same. What kind of brother's don't fight? What kind of human doesn't err? Let us open the door for you rather than you opening it for us. No one has to give till it hurts...because if hurt is all of you have left...that's what you'll give away. Trust. Compassion. Understanding. Love. Care. Companionship. Humor. We all offer that to you. Take it. You say I'm strong...but I'm weak when you fall.

Give us a glimpse of what you think and feel and maybe we can be there to support you. We're there to pick you up and if you can't walk...we'll carry you. There are 5 people you KNOW that will rescue you. The reason why the hurt is still inside, it's because you don't bring it out to show us. How can we help those who do not show their need for it? Trust us.

Things will change. This summer will certainly bring about a lot of it. We're all in a struggle finding ourselves and our place among each other...but it doesn't mean that we have to make the journey alone.

A true friend should be able to hug you when you're untouchable.
A true friend should be able to cheer when the rest of the world is booing.
A true friend can see the best and worst in you and be able to embrace the contrast.
A true friend does not carry the cross for you...rather gives you a helping hand.

We're here...

at the very least...I'm here.

Never underestimate the power of a LS boy...

Justin...I lied. I didn't go back to sleep.

I read what you said and thats something that I needed to be reminded of. I guess I thought that this time wasn't gonna be a fluke. I thought this time I had a chance. I thought this time would be different.

I just hate the fact that there's always a guy in my scope. I just kept on looking around and I found trouble over and over again. When I decide to stop looking, trouble seems to find me. Why can't I just leave well enough alone? It's like not knowing when to quit when you keep losing. I remember how easy things were when I wasn't interested in anyone. I wasn't getting hurt. Now I feel like I go through guys like popcorn. Then again I've been lead one a few too many times before...you'd think that maybe I'd finally learn a thing or two. He wasn't the final straw. I was. I'm the one who brought this on myself. Tonight was the last stop. I'm cutting myself off completely for a while.

Another thing that's been bugging me is that I feel like I've been neglecting a lot of my friends and even God. I guess I haven't been able to get to church and choir now that I'm working so much. I miss going to mass and singing. I really want to have Sundays off now. Church gives me balance and keeps me grounded. "If you feel like you're far away from God...guess who moved."

Justin...you're right. I'll get over it. I always do.

So fuck it. I'm not willing to put myself through anything for a while. I'm tired of the guessing games. I'm done with the mushy feely crap. I'm not bitter towards this last guy...Why should I be? What good would that do?

I feel like there's something fatally wrong with me. I need time to reassess what I'm all about. Finding isn't working. Being found doesn't work either...so taking myself out of this whole game just might be the right thing to do. I feel so pathetic when I deal with relationships. Rather the accumulation of one...I've only had one relationship. People are telling me over and over again that I'm not ready. I'm beginning to think they're right. I guess I'm not...if ever.

There are 5 guys that I love so much... I think I owe it to them to not have any strings attached for a change. I forget how lucky I am to have those guys supporting me and putting up with me. Relationships are not the center of the world. I'm the center and I think I lost track of that for a while.

I won't find him.

He won't find me.

We're just gonna bump into each other one day.

You find faith in places you forget to look. Thanks Justin.

Random road trips are the best.

Shark, Shoe, Stick, and Clapper in DT San Diego. It's trips like those and friends like them that make things worthwhile. You just had to be there. Thanks guys...that was good practice for August. hahaha.

If I could have your attention for a second:

I have a friend who is in need. I can't really explain it to you guys. All I can really do is ask for people who can help. If everyone who reads this just donate a a few dollars that would be great. I figured, that if all the "friendsters" that I have pitch in...it would make the world of difference. I'm not asking for a lot, but every little bit counts.

Please let me know if you can help out. It would make the world of difference to someone. thanks.

You ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go your way? I mean I didn't get mad...it was just one of those days where your patience is tested over and over again. I'd like to go on and on about my haphazard day...but that's not something I want to think about at this point. haha.

Tonight was the perfect kick off to my summer. I went to rage with clapper and moo tonight and it wasn't bad being 3rd wheel. I didn't even feel like it. Anyway, I just let loose (as much as my wallet allowed me) and had a really great time. There were no haters, weirdo, or pervs who could ruin the night for me...but there was one...but I guess he was just a phase to begin with. Guys are dumb...I don't know why I fall for shit like that. I'll get over it. heh. Anyway...with moo's "taunting" about "hollers" I ended up getting hit on by halfway decent people this time. LOL. Three brazillian guys slurred their way to me and wanted to know who I was since 2 of them thought I was cute. haha. They were drunk as fuck but it was a nice ego boost for the night.

I needed moo and clapper's company today. I had a REALLY good time. It's been a while since I enjoyed a club without my own date. haha.

G O O D N I G H T ! ! !

(I deleted that last post...the novelty wore off.)

I never realized how grumpy I get when I'm short on sleep. heh. I mean I hate taking my mom to work at 630am...but if no one else can do it, what can I do? Besides complaining...not much. It's also a pain to take my sister to school. It's not her or the time that I take her...it's just that she's late like 90% of the time. No matter how much we rush her, nag her, and drag her...she just doesn't get it. You can imagine how frustrating it is to try to get her ass to school on time. My lola would get "high blood" trying to get her up in the morning. I would be really embarassed to make a scene being late all the time. If I were up early enough, I'd make sure that she was on time. I'd nag her till it pisses her off. That's what my dad used to do when he'd take us to school. Being waken up for school was the time I loved him the least...hahaha. But I thank him for it now.

I know her tardiness and retardiness seems like something that I shouldn't really be concerned with, but 7th and 8th grade really matter when it comes to high school applications. I've told her how embarassing it was not to make it into the school I had wanted to go to. (Rather my parents wanted me to go there since it would have been easier on them) Either way, it was kinda of embarassing to see other people, some of which were subordinate, progress farther than you.

I think I should get back to sleep. I have a long day ahead.

Let's get ya'll up to speed. (haha. I said, "ya'll)

Today was my last day of school and I'm quite content. I had turned in my "provocative" triptych today and I was quite surprised with the reaction. I had a reaction before I finished posting it up. I guess that's what a naked breast does to people...react. The subject matter was very sexual. Trust me, it was tastefully done. The first panel was two men who had just finished making love. The second was two exposed torsos; one male and one female. The final panel was the bottom half of two women embracing and kissing. Now, this was a pretty far cry from some of the subject matter that was depicted. It got so much of a reaction I got offers for it. People wanted to buy it...and people wanted me to scan it too...heh.

My point was that people are different but they're all looking for love. Love isn't judgemental..so neither should we. As provocative and controversal as the art was...it was good. It had a positive and mature reaction...as I had hoped.

I wish I could show you my work...but I won't get it back for a while. I'll try to call up a friend from class to send the photo that she took of it. I wanted my work back...I even begged the prof to hand it back...we both knew I got an A for it. haha.

I wanna do something fun tonight. I feel acheived. =)

Oh...Chad's a slut. hahaha. take that varsity...

American Idol.

The everyday person gets the chance to shine. The unknown face becomes a household name is less than a year. It's just a trip to see that. Everytime each season ends...it makes me wonder, what if I had tried out? What if I auditioned and made a complete spectacle of myself? Now...I know that I can sing, but I'm sure that I wouldn't have made top 12. I'm not even sure if I would have received the ticket to Hollywood.

I can only imagine the sacrifice, hardship, and frustration it would take to even walk that path.

Congratulations Fantasia! A true talent...

Both were VERY talented...but there had to be one winner.

Don't persuade me to audition either guys...haha.

Seriously guys...no joke. Thanks to the lovely people at blogger.com, I am able to audioblog now. I guess it would be beneficial to have a high speed connection to listen to the posts.

I guess this is just another ploy to keep my website remotely interesting. heh.

I've been good vibing this whole weekend. I even found my Palm Pilot. yay.

I guess today was just pretty random. I didn't really have any plans today and so I just went to Justin's house and we were hoping to get to go to PRIDE at Long Beach today. Sadly, admission was a tad too pricey for us. We decided to just stroll Long Beach and hit up "The Library."

So it was Justin, Justin, Jad, Tara, and I roaming around and Justin shoe was nice enough to let me shoot stuff with his camera. I mean, I'm no pro like him but I had a good time snapping things here and there.

Afterwards, we just went to Oli's house and I kinda felt out of place since I didn't really know anyone. I ended up playing pool most of the time...but hey there was a piece of eyecandy. hahaha. Anyway, I just ended up playing pool by myself...but hey. I was occupied.

Tomorrow is yet another Lesbian Seagull day. I wonder what's in store at Jad's. It's always a good time when we're together...

Okay, I gotta go. We're playing OUTBURST. hahaha. We're so lame.

I'm honestly tired of trying to validate my position. This blogger wasn't meant to be a forum for political, religious, philosophical discussion. This is all ME. It's about my wants, fears, goals, friends, family, beliefs, opinions, musings, and all of the sorts. It's not here to cater to people who aren't interested in who I am and what I stand for. I respect everyone's opinion and state of being. So why am I being put at the center of attention.

I'm not going to continue wasting my time having to explain myself to people who don't have enough courage to tell everyone who they are. It's obviously a complicated subject for most. But I guess not many straight people can understand what I go through.

It's easy to put technical "solutions" to prove me wrong. Of course I have the right to get married to a woman. Do you think I will? NO. Rights? Since I cannot get married to a man, I'm not entitled to the tax benefits or domestic benefits that straight married couples receive. I cannot adopt. I'm not stupid, I can defend my honor, belief system, dignity, and my human nature. I've done my homework. I can argue till I lose my voice. I can knitpick and find every wrong detail. I can prove myself and my standpoint...but what good will that do?

Whoever you people are...I can care less what you think of me. If you really believe that I'm going to hell. I'll keep your seat warm for you. If you think that I'm immoral, then following God's plan is the worst thing in the world. I'm going to continue to live the way I do. I may not have chosen the path, but I'm making most of the hand that's been dealt.

Get a life. Stop finding what's wrong in mine. I know what's wrong in it.

With that said, I think I'm just going to exude my true self. The personality that I'm happy with...not what some fuckers that can't accept who I am.

DO YOU GET IT?

At the request of my lovely sister in law. I will update.

Today was good.

I aced my final.

I chilled with Mac, Justin and Justin today.

I met LeeJae. He's cool.

I'm just filling space because Lei asked me to. LOL.

I have work at 10am.

I'm doing laundry.

Is this enough? I'm tired of typing.

goodnight.

nice person: its really sad that MARKS whole world is still caught up in the insanity of Homosexualtiy. Satan has a way of taking the best and perverting it. Please urge Mark to come back to Christ.


To "nice person" on my tag board,

I'm not sure why you think my life is wrapped up in the "insanity of homosexuality." My life's problems and so called insanity has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. It was not a choice I made. I didn't wake up one day and and decided that I liked penis better. You don't know all of the sleepless nights I prayed to God to be different. I knew that closed minded people like you wouldn't understand my plight. How can you come to the conclusion that I've strayed away from Christ? Who are you to judge me? I've been active in my church youth ministry since 1996. I PROUDLY take part of the core team for church Confirmation program and I've been there since 1998. I attend mass weekly and have been singing in the choir since 1996. I have NO problem with God and His plan for me. I love my Savior and I really do owe him my life. I am very fortunate to have a loving family, a great set of friends...straight and gay, and I consider myself very fortunate to be who I am. It only proves that I can perservere through more. After all, not only do I have to work through the discrimination of being Filipino, I have to work with people's ignorance with homosexuality.

What makes me different from you? So far the only difference that I notice is that I'm much more open minded. Now I don't need you to validate me. I KNOW that I'm one of the best out there. Just because I'm gay doesn't make me perverted. I have morals too. I have valid thoughts, hopes, dreams, and opinions. I bleed too. I long for love too. I have short and long term goals too. You think your life is hard? Walk a half mile in my shoes and maybe you'd understand. You don't understand how much it sucks that I cannot get married. You don't understand that I'm not "entitled" to rights that all straight people are given. If you ask me, this is modern day oppression.

If my friends and family start to read what you wrote...I can think of at least 100 people that can shoot you down faster than a terrorist jet. If that's yor real email address, you might regret putting it down. Realistically, I don't need them to back me up. I can stand and affirm my faith. I can stand for my rights. Though I respect you and your opinion, I don't appreciate you placing your ignorant labels on me and gay & lesbian people altogether. Don't tell me that I strayed from Christ. Maybe you're a bit further than you thought. If you feel far from God, guess who moved. It certainly wasn't Him.

I am a strong, religious, confident, loving, faithful, compassionate, intelligent, FILIPINO man. I have a strong foundation in my parents, my family, my friends, and especially my religion. If you have a problem with me, then that's not my problem to fix. If you don't like my shit, don't smell it homie. Thanks for the message. It only strengthened my sense of self. Look, we both don't like satan...so why are you trippin me up?

CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.

-Mark

boredom = surveys.

.Firsts.
First best friend: Ronnell Regidor (We're still close after 17 years)
First car: 1997 Honda Civic and I'm still driving it.
First date: Let's not talk about that. haha.
First kiss: Christine L. Boys...yuck. I wish it wasn't him.
First break-up: Daniel
First screen name: FilaPnoy48 (I was so cool in HS, wasn't I? haha.)
First self purchased album: M.C. Hammer - Too Legit 2 Quit. hahaha.
First funeral: I've been to a few but the only one that really consider my first is my Lolo. =\ I love you and miss you much.
First pets: Pepper...a scary ass doberman.
First piercing/tattoo: nope.
First credit card: Visa - United Rewards
First true love: Parents
First enemy: brother
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Stevie Wonder - I Just Called to Say "I Love You."

.LASTS.
Last cigarette: **NEVER GONNA HAVE FIRST**
Last car ride: From homie bestest's house.
Last kiss: Charles?
Last good cry: Confirmation Retreat (Sat. 5/17)
Last library book checked out: i dunno
Last movie seen: 50 First Dates
Last beverage drank: tubig, agua, water
Last food consumed: 2 Denny's Chicken Strips...haha
Last crush: boo on boys.
Last phone call: Justin "Shoe" to keep him awake
Last time showered: 13 hours ago
Last shoes worn: GAP Sandals
Last cd played: Justified - JRT
Last item bought: a cool bamboo bracelet on campus
Last annoyance: SUCKING AT POOL!
Last disappointment: don't want to mention any names.
Last time wanting to die: as bad as things get...i can't remember the last time i felt that way.
Last shirt worn: Brown/Tan baseball T from Hollister
Last website visited: Blogger.com
Last word you said: "bye."
Last song you sang: Take Me Now - Justin Timberlake (i was in the car...LOL)

What is in your cd player?: Car - Justified /// Home - Damita Jo, Stripped, MIXED CD
What color socks are you wearing: none
What Color of underwear are you wearing?: white
What's under your bed?: my drawers full of clothes
What time did you wake up today?: 12:00 pm

FUTURE
Where do you want to go?: New York
What is your career going to be?: Graphic Design
Where are you going to live?: So Cal
How many kids do you want?: 2
What kind of car(s): BMW M3 (midnight blue w/ a light gray leather interior with the logo on the headrests...18 or 19 low pros...with tinted windows...Can you tell I've thought about it?)

CURRENT
Current mood: aloof
Current music: my heartbeat
Current taste: something meaty and salty...NOT THAT. I'm talking food!
Current hair: hat hair
Current clothes: The Hollister Shirt I mentioned earlier and some dirty washed jeans
Current longing: food.
Current desktop picture: A close up of Janet
Current favorite artist: Myself. I'm feeling inspired to create a very controversial triptych for my final project.
Current book(s): bible?
Current color of toenails: whatever the natural color of toenails are.
Current time-wasting wish: being at a poker room winning...
Current hate: my physique.

My name is: Mark Andrew Ocampo Kaiklian
I may seem: shy
But I('m) really: open
Sometimes I feel: weird
In the morning I: go back to sleep
I like to sleep: for long periods of time
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: getting a haircut. haha.
Money is: scarce
One thing I wish I had is: a banging body
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: my willingness to procrastinate
All I need is: God
Love is: more than any finite thought could ever describe...
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: say "Go around...these ones are barred."
If a demon crashed into my window I would: freak out
I could see one person right now it would be: the man I marry
Something I want but I don't really need is: a boyfriend
Something I need but I don't really want is: my current car?
I live for: God and His plan for me... also for love, happiness, passion and life itself.
I am afraid of: dying
It makes me angry when: people don't understand me or don't make the effort to do so. (in actuality...this list would be LONG!)

I DELETED THAT LAST POST. heh.-

Apparently, my last post caused a lot of people to inquire about me. Nothing was really WRONG persay. I'm just tired of some things right now. I just want summer to come already. I just need to tie up some loose ends.

Thanks for the concern and don't even worry about it. I'm just trying to even the score for myself.

The weekend passed just as fast as it came. I didn't do too much this weekend, but I had a pretty good one.

Saturday:
This day was John day. We went to Ayala High for their Polynesian Luau and let me tell you it was one hell of a show. It started off with some L&L food, and a fire knife show. The actual show was really good despite the bleacher hogs and the stupid ladies who would take our seats. haha. John even had us dragged on stage to "learn" some dances. haha. John's just a sweetie...he tried his best to give us the VIP treatment. Thanks homie...you're awesome. Justin Shoe, Mark, Aron, and I had a great time.

Sunday:
It was supposed to be my free day, but a coworker called me to cover for her...so I did. I could use the extra hours. heh. Oh and BTW...Mac is a mean ass jerk... fuggin user. hahaha. jk. It's all good though. It's always nice to help out a friend. Let's just say you owe me one. All in all, today was a slow day.

Right now:
I dunno...I'm just feeling a big mix of emotions and thoughts right now. I'm not sure why either. meh...All I know is that I have to get up in 4 hours and get to work by 8am. Yay for floor sets. bah. I'm gonna get something to eat and get some sleep. I'm gonna be pretty grumpy at work. heh. Gonna chill with Mac tomorrow? I dunno. I'm definately gonna get some HW done though. blah.

(Okay...as of now, I have 6 comments on my previous post. Why is it people comment on Copon than anything else?! haha. That's the most comments I've had all year! I guess people really do read this thing.)

I MET MICHAEL COPON!!! *sigh* For those who don't know him...He's a male model and a former power ranger. He's recently a model for Pacific Sunwear. He came into the store today and I was blown away. He was being so cute too. He was dancing around in the store...and not subtlely either...haha. Unfortunately, he's straight. D'OH!

Well kiddies, Mark will be pretty much home alone from today until Monday. The parents went on a weekened cruise to Baja. Keep me sane and entertained won't you?!

UNBE-FUCKING-LIEVABLE!!!!!!!

Did you see that amazing 0.4 second shot by Derek Fisher?!?!?!? HOLY SHIT! LAKERS RULE!

fack.

I hope I'm not in over my head...at least i'm being honest.

Time for some HW I have lots to catch up on. damn.

I guess sometimes we all need a good talking to from an unusual source. I feel so much better and more aware of things.

Forgive me being vague. I just don't know what to think.

My head is just full of ideas...and not the good kind. I feel like maybe I'm thinking too hard...but then again the appearance on the outside is pretty obvious.

Communication. That's what I need to practice. blah...Think Mark....THINK.

look.

Today was yet another great Lesbian Seagulls day. It's really difficult to get all 6 of us together, but when we are...it's a trip. I had work today so I came to Huntington Beach pretty late. Right after work, I had picked up Chad and we got a little confused on the freeways. We ended up having to take a long detour since the main freeways were pretty bad.

Needless to say, that I had a great time and made some new friends in the process. I felt loved when the guys tackled me right when I got there. People were introduced. Names were exchanged and beach volleyball started pretty damn quick. I don't really want to go into too much detail...I guess you just had to be there. Good times.

I met Chad. He's pretty damn cool. haha. He apologizes to me about everything...as if I'm gonna beat him down. He was the jailbait baby of the group, but it didn't take the seagulls long to warm up to him. I wouldn't be surprised if we dragged him out to more LS6 days. He's a cutie. What do you think guys? Do we consider him a pledge? hahaha.

[to chad...i remember reading your blog concerning friendship. i hope after today, your small circle of friends expands with us. we don't intend to intrude on the intimate circle you have now...but just know that we're all here. don't hesitate to ask me for anything if you need it. you know how to get a hold of me. it was really cool meeting and getting to you know you. one more thing...stop apologizing! haha...unless you really want something to be sorry about. LOL jk.]

It's obvious that Ernald isn't interested in my time. I'm over it. I saw him drive off PCH right before I arrived. heh. He's making it obvious that he's not interested. I guess I'll do the same.

I hope I get copies of the pictures we all took today. I haven't been to the beach to hang out with a lot of people so you can imagine that how refreshing it was for me to frolic through the sand. (hahahaha I said "frolic") It seems that I got a lot out of this trip. I've finally put my foot downe concerning Ernald. I made 4 new friends. I got one HELLUVA workout playing rounds and rounds of beach volleyball. I even reaffirmed my faith tonight. (don't ask. haha. dollars anyone? hahaha.)

Thanks for a great time guys. I love you guys. MOINE!

It's about 5:20am...

I just got home from Chris' place for cards. I'm a little strapped for cash so I dealt like 80% of the night. I can say that it was quite profitable for me to "be on the clock" tonight.

I'm gonna be groggy having to wake up in 6 hours for work. hahaha.

I'm excited about my upcoming beach adventure today/tonight. Lots of driving...but hey. It's a guaranteed good time after work.

I met a really cute guy today. Straight? Possibly...but there's something about him that seems off...but then again. He's "straight" on the radar and I haven't been wrong yet.

Okay...I seriously think it's time to turn in. I have work. yay. haha.

After today's events, I'm going to decide whether "laban o bawi" with Mr. what's his face...you know who I'm talking about.

yikes...the sun's starting to coming up.

My straight friends don't know that most of the time I feel ostersized. Don't get me wrong, but maybe sometimes I should steer clear of speaking while we're together. I mean they're funny...I love being around them...

The straight guys brought up a question, "Would you let a guy suck your dick if he paid you $500,000 and the only people who would know would be you and him?" Some considered it. Some didn't. Obviously, the joke was on me..."Shut up, Mark, you'd do it for free." They all laughed. I went with the joke and just bit my tongue on that one. One of them said, "HELL NO. It doesn't matter how much he pays me." A friend responded..."See, he's the only man around here." I can't say that I was pretty offended. If he's the only man around...then what does that make me? Well, apparently there are so many gay jokes around. I've never heard, "So what do you call a straight guy......" Yet another perk to being a controversial character in society. Of course...jokes are jokes...but look at it through my side...

Sometimes I feel like that my manhood/masculinity is cheapened only because I'm gay. I'm still a man. I'm still who I am. It sucks that my masculine nature is dismissed. By the way the are some "men" out there who give all people who have a penis a really bad name.

Understand the nature of man and realize that we're just different.

I wish my bitten tongue hurt more than some words.

There's been a lot going on with life lately.

I guess it's too much to have to recap what's been going on.

Not much has really gone my way, but I suppose it isnt gonna phase me. I'll write when i feel compelled to.

Sometimes I get the feeling to just turn and run. I'm not really sure what triggered it. heh. I always think that maybe if I nip it in the bud now, I'll save myself the pain later...another part of me wants to just see if anything unfolds. I have no idea what to think. Are things progressing? I mean if things go any slower, it's gonna go backwards. I'm really stupid when it comes to certain things, but I'm totally torn this time.

Until tonight, I wanted to pursue. Now I'm not so sure. I'm stupid when I like someone. I'm even dumber when I really think they're interested back. Is he? I don't know. Do I want to ask? I don't know. I mean CLEARLY...it's NOT me. I'm the one expressing interest PLUS making the effort to communicate.

I think that's the problem. I need to chill. Fuck it. Two can play this game.

As much as I just want to give up...
Isn't the greatest risk in life...not taking one?

I thought so too.

5?

I am hurt beyond all comprehension.

Okay...that FUCKING does it. This could be the 2 and a half hours of sleep talking...

It's almost fucking 7am. Wait...I'm NEVER up at this hour. What's going on?

I got back from taking my mom to work. They told me that on RARE occarion, I'm only going to be doing that on Wednesdays when I DON'T have class. That requires me to get up at 6am and drive her to DTLA.So why not go to sleep then, Mark? It would be pointless for me to sleep since I have to take my sister to school in about an hour anyway. ugh.

These past few days have pushed me to the edge...closer and closer. WHO WANTS TO PUSH ME OFF THE DAMN CLIFF? TAKE A NUMBER. Last night didn't help me either. I FUCKING CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME I WENT TO SLEEP FOR THAT MATTER. The whole time I was thinking about best friend and all those words I read. I thought to myself what the hell is going on? Why, of all places, I'm having a problem in THAT department? People were speaking out of anger. I was misread. I was hurt. My heart was trampled on...ALL while I was already in a SHIT-TASTIC mood. I could say a lot of things out of anger. I can slander to my heart's content. But what would that prove? What would that solve? NOTHING. Because I know that all those words wouldn't be constructive. They would ring untrue since they are only charged with pure emotion. That's why people say things they don't mean. Did you mean it? If so then why am I still standing? Why didn't I just fucking jump off already?

What? Me? Pissed? Hell yes. There are quite a few people who have been taking me for granted.

The world has been riding me like a $3 whore and I'm tired of it. All of a sudden I'm everyone's bitch. I found it somewhat amusing that I created a very uncomfortable car ride for my mom this morning. All I had to do was stay silent and glare at the road seemingly aloof. She quickly mentions something from TV to try to cut the tension, but I merely responded by raising my eyebrows to let her know that I heard her. She stopped talking after that.

My dad is a whoooole other story. He's not making sense to me lately. He REALLY pissed me off yesterday before I left for confirmation last night. First, he was condecending about his stupid laptop. Next, gives me the runaround when it comes to picking up my sister. Then, he lectures me about parking in the driveway when it was NEVER an issue to begin with. I don't know why he's been picking fights with me lately. I just don't want to talk to him right now. He makes me feel so...ergh. I don't know.

I've also been feeling quite melancholy about my students finally being confirmed. Last night was a major reality check. I've journeyed with these young people for 2 years and now they're leaving. I also have leaders that I may not see again for a while, if at all. It saddens me that after all that hard work, they just leave. I'm gonna miss them.

Justin, I wasn't yelling at you. I wasn't even saying those things in a negative manner. Honestly, I never asked you to fix it. I didn't even make it a problem. I told you it's not my business. Maybe after reading this entry you'll understand that I wasn't angry about you or whatever you said. Hopefully you'll recognize that there's other things in my life that can cause me to spazz out. I can't believe you think that I would "go crazy" over a guy that's most likely not interested in me. To top it off you think I'm blaming you for my shortcomings? No. That's not what best friends do. Why would I let a guy get between us? Even if he was my boyfriend...what right do I have telling you how to feel? I just had to swallow what you said and I couldn't sleep all night because of it. Ask Stephen...I was a babbling mess on the phone with him last night. Is that how you want me to feel? I wouldn't, in my right mind, ever say things like that to you...I can be as angry as hell and still not have the tenacity to speak to you in such a way. I had no intention of hurting you. I didn't mean to disrespect you. But right now I feel very hurt and disrespected by you. I'm not mad at you and, yes, I would like to fix things. I told you last night that my patience was wearing thin and that I wasn't in the mood to be the butt of jokes. That's it. You know that there will be days where I'm not the best person to joke around with.

Fuck, I don't know if I want to go to class anymore. I'm tempted to just turn in my work and just make a day out for myself. There are so many possibilities... I'd like to take Justin out to lunch to clear things up. I'd like to maybe see my nephew. Maybe, even surprise Ernald? (I had to take a shot at it.)

Great. After all this shit, I'm getting a cramp in my leg. This is going to be another GREAT day.

I am hurt beyond all comprehension.

I'm hurt beyond comprehension...

I can't believe you'd say something like that to me.

I hate misunderstandings.

My dad totally confuses me sometimes. Like the other night he woke me up at at 2 am looking for his laptop. It's obvious he wasn't gonna type anything up at that hour especially since he came from work. Then today he says, "wait for your sister's phone call." I'm like so what? I'm not the only one here who would answer the phone. I mean of course I'd answer it. I asked him, "Why? Where are you going?" He told me that he's going to pick up mom. All he had to do was say, "Mark, if your sister calls, pick her up." Rather than having this whole runaround.

Ugh.

He confuses me sometimes.

Yesterday, I really appreciated my homies bestest so much more. Justin Punk had set up an event for us and it was quite meaningful. Justin, Jad, Justin, Mark, John... I love you guys! You are awesome.

I did a lot of thinking the other day and I realized that there are a lot of things and people I take for granted.

I'd like to go into it more, but I guess you just had to be there.

You ever do something that's beyond your reasoning?

The Justins and I took a little adventure and crossed out a goal that will never have to be acheived again. hahaha.

If you ask me...I'll go into detail. Basically, the Justins and I went for a quick little naked dip in the Pacific Ocean. hahahaha. If that's not random, I don't know what is. You want details? Ask me...and YES we were all sober.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

I guess I think too much. I really like this guy and we went out to lunch today. I mean I know that there weren't any strings attached, but hey...I took a chance. I just wanted to know him better, since everytime we see each other, either one or both of us has friends as a comfort zone. I just wanted to get to know him better...that's it. Thought I'd like to ask him out again. heh. *cough*

As much as I tell myself, I'm not expecting anything out of it...I'm just hoping that maybe he's remotely interested. I have no idea how he feels nor do I know if I'm keeping his interest. That's just the trouble with me...as much as I want to ask, I don't want to appear the fool and make such assumptions you know? Argh.

He's funny, sweet, cute, interested? Well one of us is.

Last night was crazy and random...well one part of it....CRAZY! That was NOT me last night. hahaha. I'll tell more later. hahahahahahha. whooooooooooooo. nuts. It's official...we have a new member in the HB boys. Fly lesbian seagulls... hahaha

Taking Ernald out to lunch...hee hee. fun times.

The house computer is out of commission. We're having it formatted. Knowing the way things go I may not have that computer until Saturday. It sucks since I have some personal projects I need to get done by the weekend. Hopefully it's gonna be done by today or early tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm gonna be online late nights and on a 56k connection. No one uses the computer at like 11pm and later so I'll definately be online at the graveyard hours.

Feel free to call me rather than text me through AIM...too many people have been doing that lately...but it's okay. haha.

Okay time to eat...

Oh remember when I vowed change? Phase one starts today. Wish me luck. It's easy, but it's a start.

My self portrait I turned in for art class.

One of the ideas that were given when this assignment was specified was to tell the class something about you that they will not be able to tell just by looking.

As a twin I am half of a whole, yet I'm an individual at the same time. I chose Sim as a background to represent him looking out for me and that he can be the voice of reason. Obviously, he plays pivotal part in my life and I am not who I am without him. It just didn't seem right to exclude him from my self portrait. He makes me who I am and likewise, I make him the person he is also.

Mark (M), you fucking queen... LOL. jk. You've been published. Oh, I'm the guy in the white with his back turned in the upper right hand corner.

Retreat was a total success. I can't be more satisfied with it. There were no disciplinary actions, no behavioral problems, and everyone was on time for everything. I made new friends, fortified old friendships, and reconiled with certain people. I got a lot of closure and inspiration this past weekend. I realized that life is more than my deadlines and appointments. It's about living. I've been taking a lot for granted and I was reminded of how one person can make a difference whether I like it or not. I need to live as best as I can...I am a role model 24/7. It was also the first time I walked through falling snow. There's nothing like nature to make one appreciate a power greater than my finate mind can comprehend.

To be forgotten is worse than death.
To be remembered and loved is worth more you will ever know.

I feel renewed. I am really happy for a change. My problems are gone. I love life because I was reminded that life loves me too. I AM ON MY RETREAT HIGH AND I LOVE IT!

Thank you. I love you. I will never forget you.

I have my dignity again.


::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I went to see my brother and Scott today. I really wanted to spend some quality time with the two coolest boys of life. It made me really happy to see Scott. His face lit up looking at me after waking from his nap. My spirit was certainly fortified. The hardest part was leaving the apartment. He chased after me with tears in his eyes. He grabbed my leg and looked up at me. It was obvious he didn't want me to leave. I'm so weak...haha. I stayed a little longer and when I decided to leave again, the same thing happened. It's so hard leaving him. I finally worked the nerve to close the door and Scott just cried his little eyes out. I could hear it from outside. My brother opened the door and Scott waved at me while I walked backwards down the hall waving back the whole time. *sigh*

RETREAT WAS AWESOME! I LOVE YOU ALL! I will talk about it all later.

I am rejuvenated.

I am truly loved and respected.

I am finally me again.

I'm off to the second year confirmation retreat. Pray for me. I'm stressing out and I haven't even left yet.

Good times last night. Went to Tiger Heat with John and Mark. Ernald met us up there. Yeah. Good times. What Ernald? Manly men? Where?

Ok I'll shut up now. I'll miss you all. bye. =)

To CB and E...

CB: What makes you think that someone who would be an acquaintance at best, have a motive for posing as you and attempt to ruin you? What kind of incentive would anyone receive for that? I'm pretty sure my friend was just caught in the crossfire and I honestly think his pathetic loser boyfriend was just trying to make waves. What good does it do to loathe him for something he didn't do? Why do you need to fucking accuse him of shit he wasn't involved in? You have no proof of him even posing as you. Get your head out of your ass and take a look around my friend. You're pointing fingers because you have no idea what's going on and he's the closest thing to an answer.

E: So now you and your people don't like my friend? I'm sorry you had to be a victim of this bullshit that was being played. It pisses me off that you can't let go of the fact that he didnt do it. Again, why would he have any intention of meddling with someone he doesn't even fucking know? You even have the nerve to ask him to bring your "boyfriend" from another state back? The guy didn't exist. I know that you're upset with all that, but realistically, did you really think that it was gonna work? And now that we all know that he's fake, you can't take that? I mean there aren't too many people I know that would want a relationship with a person they've never met...let alone someone that lives over 1000 miles away. Let it go. There's no reason to dislike a guy just because he was the supposed middleman that never had anything to do with the situation.

Oh and let me tell you "Manuel..." You better not behind all of this. Trust me...I could say a lot of unwarranted shit to your face. I can physically harm you if I wanted. I even have the authority to ruin you...but you're doing a pretty good job of fucking yourself up. I'll be the bigger man. I wouldn't do shit to you. You're not worth my time or energy. I have better and more important people to deal with. How pathetic of you to meddle in someone's life. That only shows you don't have a life of your own. People like you are called "starving artists" right? You're starving for a reason: YOU SUCK. Yeah you can parade around "modeling" and all that shit. But where will you be 15 years from now? On the street bitch...where you belong if you don't fucking educate yourself. I've so much disdain for you what what you've done. I know that "disdain" is a strong word, but I'm not sure if it's strong enough. Leave him alone. Don't you have anything better to do than use your time and effort interfering in someone's life? GET YOUR OWN LIFE. You're lucky you don't know me...because I would be more than happy to wipe that smirk off your face.

FUCKING SHIT! People just don't think. There are so many people who are quick to point fingers when it comes to these things. Piece the puzzle together first...you might find out there's a common enemy. It's so easy to blame people...Find yourself some answers and proof first...because your actions will burn you in the end if you don't have anything to back up your position.

STUPID. IT'S ALL FUCKING STUPID. ugh.

There. That's my piece. I'm going to sleep.