It seems that the working force doesn't have room for an experienced server.

BAH!

Oh, I joined myspace.com. I really like it.

I'm so glad I saw you this weekend. My sanity was saved.

I miss you already.

My gaydar hasn't really been wrong and tonight shouldn't be an exception...

You ever make eyes with the hottie across the way? You become intrigued by their sex appeal and take a closer look. You think that this person is SO hot that your tounge sweats.

and then...

they open their damn mouth.

Tonight at craps there was one person who I thought was pretty cute and kept making eyes at me. Like Sherwin said, "If you make eye contact more than once, they might be downe." Seriously. This guy was staring at me since I extended my hand to politely introduce myself. I mean he's cute but it didn't seem like he had a lot upstairs.

His jokes were obviously skewed towards the whole sick gay sex theme. I'd make him "nut" while I dealt the cards. He said that I make him hard. He comments on the other guy's bodies. He tries to lick all the guys. He wants all of the guys to kiss him. I caught him staring at me over and over again... I wasn't even in the same room and he managed to keep his eyes on me. Maybe it's just me, but I don't joke around about playing with one's genitals when I meet them for the first time. Everytime I tried to hint that I was queer he didn't even flinch. When I joked back all of the other guys laughed at him because they all knew where I was coming from. Mind you he wasn't too bright, but I'm sure he's not THAT dense. He was even trying too hard to make conversation with Keith... I mean, sure Keith's a good looking guy, but my gaydar just kept nagging at me. Why would he be interested in my age? Why would he be interested in how I deal? Why would he have this odd look in his eye when I looked at him when it was his turn to bet? Why would be make the effort to look for me in the house? Why would he fidget around if I handed him the cut card and the deck? Why would he joke to the other players that I was playing footsies with him? There were so many other mannerisms that irked me a little. Sorry guys, but I think your boy has some issues.

If I see him in Vegas, it won't surprise me if he asks to play with my nuts or ask to kiss me. I don't think my man would like that one bit.

I can't believe I haven't gone beddy-bye yet. I'm just hanging on a thread here. blah.

Congratulations, Mark!
Your IQ score is 113

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Emode's Ultimate IQ test. Your IQ score is scientifically accurate...

We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test, and according to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is a Precision Processor.

This means you're exceptionally good at discovering quick solutions to problems, especially ones that involve math or logic. You're also resourceful and able to think on your feet.

taken at emode.com

I think I made the right choice.

I have a cool brother...

Simon, 09/25/2003:

Geebus! My brother is REALLY popular! He has about 5,489,638,764,001 and a half friendsters or something...at least for now...my projections show that Mark will be getting 3,262,003 (do you know what that number represents?) friendsters within the next 24 hours. Well anyway, I just wanted my brother to know that I love him...that and I didn't wanna be in the bottom of that horrendous pile of tesimonials anymore.

That is all.

DAMN...time to get my sleep on.

I quickly learned that if my mind is occupied with other things, then I tend to worry about him less. As long as I don't wallow in my own self-pity, then its all good. Unfortunately, I'm a big bag of crap when my mind wanders.

If you haven't had your dose of random yet...

I took some quiz. har har.


You are Like I Love You


What Justin Timberlake song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm gay, I know.

I have to be better than I am right now. I want only the best...but is it to my expense? I told myself I wasn't going to get upset about it, but I can't help it. I'm so bothered by it. I don't want to be mad about it. I shouldn't; but I am. I want him to have a great time...but now I feel just plain ol' sad.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I haven't eaten since I got up this morning and I had to eat now since my Lola forced me to eat.

I should seriously stop crying inside or I'm gonna start to mildew. Yuck.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I overreacting? Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? Am I just being stupid?

This week is just taking forever.

Let him grow, Mark. He's having a great time. That's what I've been hoping for. He's fine.






...but I'm not.

Last night Gail, Chi, Eo, Monica, Bobby, Tina, Edith, Jaime, Angel, Randy, Patricia, and I went to a TV taping of Less Than Perfect. By coming to this taping, I would be eligable to watch a taping of F*R*I*E*N*D*S! Anyway, let me tell you that Zachary Levi has at least 6 new fans after that taping. hahaha. I really liked the show. I had a great time but unfortunately, I didn't bring a jacket. They PUMPED that AC all night. Anyway, after the show we got to meet Zack and Andy Dick. Andy Dick is so cool! hahaha. We shook Andy's hand and we kinda talked to Zack and he even greeted me Happy Birthday! hahaha. *melts*

We went to BJ's to hit up happy hour and we just chilled. Jaime bought my first drink! haha. I had a Belgian Ale called Framboise. It was actually really good. haha. That alcohol really helped me get to sleep. hahaha.

I had a great time last night. It was nice spending time with some people I haven't seen for a while. I can't wait to get to the WB lot and watch FRIENDS!

Things are finally going my way! I love it.

So the boyfriend called me tonight and I feel like a whole load has been lifted off of me. I never thought that I'd be the type who would NEED a phone call. I mean, I can survive without one for a little bit, but in the back of my mind I feel the need to be connected to him. With all things considered, the last thing that should matter is me. I told him that he should go out there and experience everything he wants to. I want him to have his space to grow and to get situated on campus. I guess it's hard for me since he's experiecing college the way I didn't.

We talked for a good while tonight and I'm so happy that he's doing just fine. He's even getting closer to his high school friends too. He's planning to be pretty active on campus. I'm so proud of him.

We both agreed that it would be a long week.

I can't wait till the weekend.

I miss you so much pugs...

Torture...

Absolute torture.

I sit and I wait for you to call me, but in the back of my mind, I know you're out doing something important.

I carry the phone everywhere I go, hoping it would ring, but in the back of my mind, I know you're having a great time with your dorm mates.

You're doing exactly what I asked you to do. Live it up. I guess you can call me selfish for wanting you to call, but I know that I'll survive without a phone call. But in the back of my mind, I remember you clutching my arm and I can hear you say that you'd call me everyday. My phone lights up and I stare at it hoping a ring would follow.

I'm not mad. I'm not upset. Just sad and missing my beb. I just hope you miss me too.

Everytime I look at the moon...I remember that conversation we had and I feel that you're not as far away as my heart tells me.

*sigh* I guess I'm making a canyon out of a crack. There's still tomorrow. There's still next weekend.

I can't wait.

Being 21 is seriously overrated.

I haven't done anything that the law allows me to do. hahaha. How sad. I haven't even lived it up yet. haha. It's only been a week. I guess this is what people who are underage wait for.

*twirls finger in the air*

whoopty-do.

So obviously, a fat chunk of time has flown by since I last posted. A lot has happened too. I'll give an abbreviated version of the events. Boyfriend and I are doing well. We're trying to cope with the fact that he goes to school about an hour away from me. Although money is still an issue, things have been getting better for me. Much to my surprise, I'm doing well in school. I'm very encouraged in my art class...which reminds me, I need to study for my design terms exam for tuesday. It's been a while since I felt good for a change. My karmic balance is finally trying to reach equilibrium.

I have a few other things to take care of and I just hope things continue to go my way...

I got the birthday I wanted, despite a few snafus here and there. I didn't want to get wasted, nor did I want to party hard. Well, at least not yet anyway. Boyfriend and I had your standard dinner and movie. It was nice being able to spend outside quality time with him. I haven't been able to do that lately. I'm not too sure what was in the air that night but I wasn't happy for a while. He was my hero. He saved my 21st birthday. I guess I'll get into detail later...maybe. All you need to know is that he made my birthday special even when I thought things weren't going right. Thanks beb. =) At the end of the night, we talked the night away without even realizing how late/early it was. It's okay...we all have the right to do whatever we want for our birthday. I did...not caring about the consequences that were about to follow. I guess I didn't get the peace of mind I needed, but for a brief moment, my life was perfect. Boyfriend told me that the only person who can give me peace of mind, is myself. I need to fight one battle at a time and take each day with a step...rather than a leap to fight my demons. I guess I can find myself in some serious shit, but for some reason I manage to find my way out of it and become a better person than I was before. Today is the first day I grow up a little more...wish me luck.

***************

Today started off kind of odd. I woke up early enough to get to school in plenty of time, but not early enough to review my notes for my POLS midterm. I had a hard time merging into the freeway I needed to get to. I ended up having to get lost a little bit and I decided to just head home since I forgot my scantrons and steel rule.

meh...let's see where the day takes me. I have a lot to do...but like my boyfriend said. Take it one step at a time. I'll be okay.

Pray for me. That's what I need. Life's slowly coming back to me.

"Leavin old shit behind...The blindfold's off my eyes, and today will be the start of better days."

Leave it to the people I love make my birthday simple but VERY meaningful and it wasn't even officially my birthday yet! Most of them knew that I didn't really care about my birthday. My brother, Lei and boyfriend really made me feel so special. My bro and Lei surprised me by bringing him to our house to have dinner with the rest of the family.

I guess the funniest part about all of this is that my brother and I got the same thing for each other. hahaha. Damn that pesky twin thing.

Thanks for everything guys...

THE MADNESS CONTINUES

I am SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. My luck has seriously gone stale. My car is STILL fucked up and won't be fixed by Monday. The parts aren't available. To make things worse, I have a midterm on Tuesday and my books are in the car. I also can't go with boyfriend to get my brother's gift. Oh by the way, my computer is infected with one of the variations of the fucking blaster worm. FUCK! Isn't that spit on my neck and kick me in the crotch fantastic? I thought I had installed the patch, but I guess I didn't do it correctly or something.

I know I was pretty indifferent about my birthday before...but now, I just really don't care anymore. I have so much to worry about now. I guess that's what I really want for my fucking birthday...peace of mind and a smidge of good luck.

I can bet that people are going to be telling me that everything will be okay. I guess it turned pretty cliche to me recently. Everything is getting worse...so that phrase means nothing now.

FUCK EVERYTHING.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED! FOR THE PAST MONTH I'VE BEEN HAVING THE WORST LUCK.

First my car fucked up on my on the day of my nephew's baptism. It took 3 tries to replace the distributor in my car because the first 2 attempts involved one with a factory defect. Next, my accounts became negative and I'm getting screwed up the ass....the reason for that: a parking ticket that was unfairly issued. I was ticketed for not having a front license plate while in fact it was right there the whole fucking time. Now, there's something STILL wrong with my car and I can't drive it for while. When I took it to have it serviced the fucking mechanics decided to skip out early. As a result of that...I didn't get to see my boyfriend and it's been almost a week since I saw him last. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but he's going to UCI next week so this is my last week to see him. I wanted to spend my free day looking for a job. I'm tired of just waiting and waiting. I'm getting really desparate.

Some birthday it's gonna be...if I receive any money they're going straight to bills and I know it's not going to be enough.

I'm not happy. I can't take all this. I can't deal with so many things. To top it all off I have nothing for my brother. I have no money. I have nothing to offer. UGH. WHY?!?

FUCK IT.

JUST FUCK IT.

I have 257 friendsters (1 additional pending) and 62 testimonials. God...I must be stopped.

Isn't that kinda sad? heh. I didn't think that I'd still be addicted to friendster.

Le Sigh....(i guess a little bit of Caroline is rubbing off)

I heart Caroline and Alan. I miss my UNF buds. My phone airtime is occupied by the boyfriend. hee hee.

and I quote:

"I remember the first time I talked to Alan on the phone, I was all excited for the sheer reason that he is from Texas. Texas people have accents, am I wrong? Or am I right? Everyone and their dog know that I like accents, and I find it really interesting when someone talks with any kind of speech difference. And since I have absolutely NO accent, I thought maybe I could get a little "rub off" action, as I always do when I watch a british movie ... which is I can slip in and out of a (decent) accent. Ha. Anyway the time came when he answered the phone. "Hello?" he said. In one word, I felt my whole world collapse right in front of me. Where the fuck is that DAMN southern twang I hear so much about? Or is it supposedly only in Tennessee or Mississippi (ess-ess-eye, pee pee eye?), or every other state EXCEPT Texas? "Hello," I said back in my flat ass voice. Who the fuck likes people from California, anyway. We have no accents ... maybe those people who say "Dude" have an accent, but that's all I can think of. Anyway back to it all ... I thought maybe he would have more of an accent when he talked summore: NO. It sounded like you and me. The way Mark sounded was the way most people around here sound. So I think maybe Alan pretends to be from Texas, and he uses a secret phone line that makes it look like he's in Texas, when really he's in a basement in Torrance, CA. And Mark could be the psycho that drives by my house every Saturday morning, I don't know. But I'm sure as hell convinced. Prove me wrong, Texans. Prove. Me. Wrong."

Hil. Freakin. Larious.

Yes...I drive by all the time and peer through your window. I stand on your porch hoping you'd sense me and open the door. har har har.

I am very unsatisfied with my physical self. It's time to get started. It's time to better myself.

I had some good clean fun last night with the SDYMers. I haven't been able to spend chill/goofing off/conversation time with them lately. Randy cooked up some great food. Patricia brewed up some great tea. The rest of us enjoyed a long ass and somewhat immature game of Simpsons UNO! hahaha. It's nice being able to spend time with them and just enjoying each other's company. Too bad boyfriend couldn't come though. They were all hoping I'd take him. I'm glad they all want to get to know him. Stupid car...

********************

I was cleaning up and I stumbled upon a large novelty birthday card that was given to me on my 19th birthday. I remember that birthday too. It was one of the best ones. I had a surprise party on a retreat and Lei was a big part in handling it. I was reading through all the messages and they all made me smile...except for one. I read it over and it said, "Who knows...in a few years time I will be able to even spend your 21st with you. hahahaha. we could drink up together..." I thought to myself, a lot of people have changed over the past 2 years. I have certainly grown up a lot in the past 2 years. Unfortunately, some people made the concious choice to grow away from me.

Mark...2 years later:

I'm on the later part of college.
I'm still active in SDYM.
I'm a proud ninong and uncle.
My friends are farther apart but still close to me.
I'm jobless.
I'm out of the closet.
I have a loving boyfriend.
My parents and family know about me.
One person I love can't take it and I have to work around that.
I'm still learning a lot of things.
I've made a lot of downe friends.

Like I said before, I don't really make a big deal about my birthday. For the most part...nobody does and it's okay. That's the way I'm used to. I'm going to be 21 and a lot of doors are going to open for me. Some of those doors I'm going to need people to open for me. "I ain't too proud to beg."

Ahhh September...

Summer's done. School's getting into gear. Stuff's piling up. Sanity will soon be diminishing... heh heh.

A few people have made (and are still making) a big deal about my birthday which is in less than 2 weeks. Since I turned 16, I never made a big deal about it. There have been very few noteworthy birthdays for me so I never really wanted to really broadcast it. Yeah, so I'm finally turning 21. Big whoop. So many people are bent on getting messed up and getting me messed up. That's not what I want. I mean sure it'd be nice to have some drinks with friends, but I don't want to get totally shitfaced and entertain people at my expense. I don't feel that excitement. I don't feel that it's a big thing. I've still been asked for what I want for my birthday. There's not a lot that I want, but there's a lot that I need since I still don't have a job. I guess I'm not really sure how I feel about my 21st birthday. I'm not really feeling that whole anticipation anymore. Meh...to save the questions I'll place a list like I always do. I'll be vague since I'm too lazy to refer you all to the exact product. heh.

SIZES:
shirts - S
Pants - 33 x 29 (or 30)
Shoes - 9 1/2

1. Money - Things are so hard since I quit my job.
2. A couch or LoveSac - sitting on my Ikea rug is getting old.
3. A high quality digital camera - The one I have really sucks now.
4. An Apple Laptop - I wish I had one.
5. New clothes - I haven't gone shopping for quite a long time.
6. An Ipod - I wish I had one.
7. a white or denim Von Dutch hat - Okay...so I don't NEED one but my boyfriend, Mr. Timberlake has one...so we need to match. har har.
[There's more, but I'm getting really sleepy. I'm hardly up at this hour.]

Oh...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SELLEY!