Birthday.

Today just seems a little more bitter than sweet. My mom just sent me an email saying that she has packed her personal belongings and leaving the office.

Let me explain.

So just recently, Lehman Brothers reported a $4 billion dollar loss and has filed for bankruptcy. My mom would be lucky to still be employed by them. She has invested over 25 of her life to that company and now it's all gone.

I still have no job and I have less than $6 in my name. However, I did get paid by Hilton for the job I did this past July. BUT, it's under my company name and not to me personally. I haven't registered as a business yet, so guess what? I can't access it.

To make things worse, I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to actually have the money to see Janet Jackson. At this point, I'm not even going to hold my breath. I'm not expecting to be able to go to one of her concerts.

The one thing I actually want for my birthday may not be possible now.

On the upside, I have begun the process of registering A OK as a small business. Here goes nothing.........

Not For Me?

I'm starting to think that designing isn't for me. I'm starting to doubt myself. It's like this whole world of design doesn't get me. I have entered different design contests only to lose to the worst possible winner...and when I did have a moment in the spotlight NO ONE CAME TO SEE IT.

I've lost to four bad Janet Jackson album covers.

I've lost to really poor logo concepts.

and now...I lost to a RAINBOW ZEBRA Coach bag that was 175th place, a typographic nightmare, and an unrealistic anime design. EVEN THE FUCKING PENGUIN FROM HELL GOT AN HONORABLE MENTION.

COACH RESULTS



As a designer and an artist, I'm feeling really defeated. I'm really not sure if I'm even good enough to be this big deal that I think of myself as. Don't get me wrong, I am sincerely validated by many people who are close to me, but I'm starting to see that the general public and now even supposed "experts" don't make sense. What if I'm really not as creative as I think I am? What if I'm just a guy who just KNOWS his software?

I don't know if I'm good enough to be successful right now.





For lack of a better word, I'm done.