I haven't been feeling like a very good boyfriend. It's not his fault. It's all mine. I just keep messing things up. I'm not making myself available as I should be. Ever since yesterday, I've been feeling really inadequate. I'm not good enough...for myself. I'm a little behind with school so I guess this time apart would give me time to get my shit together.

Oh, we went to see Wicked last Sunday. I'll talk more about it when I'm actually in a good mood.

Stupid.

That's what I am. Last night, I needed to move to a more comfortable space so I moved the "pending" laundry aside to sleep. I thought I had moved all of his stuff (wallet, phone, work ID, etc) but I don't remember his keys. I was also pretty pissed since Thursdays are my long 10 - 12 hours days at school so I wanted to sleep pronto.

I didn't get my project done since all I ended up doing was look for his keys. He called me "stupid" while we looked. He was right. I am. I sure felt stupid as I tore the room up. I have no idea where his keys are now. He left for work really pissed off and now I don't want to go to school at all... but I have to.

I could still feel his eyes looking down on me in frustration and dissaproval. He's leaving for the weekend to see his sister and I know he won't have a problem leaving me. I don't blame him...after all, I pissed him off.

I seriously hate myself right now. I do so much for him...only to give him more of a headache. I want to burn my room down. I don't want to go to class. I don't care about today. I look like shit today because that's how I feel.

He's gonna hate me when he gets home. I already know it...and I'm gonna have to suffer for at least 10 hours. I hate Thursdays. I HATE TODAY.

I know he's not gonna come home on time. I don't blame him. Who wants to come home to an idiot and a mess?

Fuck. My day hasn't even started and I already want it to end.






Just leave me alone.

In Other News...

The lastest cover of ESPN Magazine struck me today. I heard it in the news too.

"The NBA locker room was the most flamboyant place I've ever been. Guys flaunted their perfect bodies. They bragged about sexual exploits. They primped in front of the mirror, applying cologne and hair gel by the bucketful. They tried on each other's $10,000 suits, admired each other's rings and necklaces. It was an intense camraderie that felt completely natural to them. Surveying the room, I couldn't help chuckling to myself: And I'm the gay one."

- John Amaechi

It's people like him that make me proud to be an openly gay man. In my eyes, he is a great role model and shatters so many stereotypes. Oddly enough, I explained to my AAS professor I was gay today. I wanted to let her know because my papers and homework would make a little more sense. I told her today because there is a group of idiotic BOYS who were making annoying side comments because the professor had briefly talked about Brokeback Mountain. I digress. Mr. Amaechi has finally spoken up about who he is and he has made it known to the professional sports world. His courage inspires me.

It still bothers me that the NBA, which has the best players in the country (if not the world), can have a problem with homosexuality and sports. In the article, John explains that straight players obsessed over the idea of homosexuality and how "wrong" it all was. Stupidly enough, none of them knew enough about "fags" to really dislike them. I agree with Mr. Amaechi though. Straight men overemmasculate themselves for fear of showing weakness.

A highly regarded player has recently been banned from the NBA All-Stars events this year. Why?

...because Tim Hardaway said, "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people."

Thanks Tim. You may have apologized, but the fact remains that you said it..and we're all sure you meant it too. Your comments were uneccessary and fueled the fires of hate and ignorance. Some role model you turned out to be.

So yes, I have a remote interest in sports. I have been physically active since I was a kid. I am a competitive person. I played sports in high school. I made both the tennis team and the volleyball team.

So don't call ME a fag. Don't think I'm weak. I bet I can throw a baseball further than you can. "Fags" can be athletic, exude both physical and mental strength. I don't find it wrong to be beaten by a girl either. You only beat yourself.

Thanks John Amaechi. You earned my respect as a new fan. Maybe I'll see you at the Abbey one day.

Top Design Hotties

Is it just me or are some of those carpenters hot? haha. It was fun to watch the beach cabana challenge.

I Feel Better

I just realized that there are people out there who are so pretentious. I wonder if they know that they're really THAT pathetic. I know it sounds bad that I sort of use the pathetic nature of some people to propel my own self-esteem. I know that I don't need someone else to prove my own self-worth, but then again, we all have to admit that we have done it. ha.

My brother taught me that if a person is in your life and does not benefit you in ANY way, they don't belong in your life. Now, that seems a little bit selfish to some people. However, if you really think about it, it's true. Who would want a person who sucks the life out of you?

I had someone like that and looking back, yeah, it was a big mistake. I was selfish and stupidretarded. BUT, I have learned from negative experiences and this person made me a better person in the end.

If you're a part of my life (no matter how small) I hope you're grateful for being in it. You benefit my soul. And yes... I'm grateful for all of you. I'll make you proud. You'll see...

I'm better than you and thanks for reminding me. I needed it.

How Many of Us Have Them?

I'm not sure how I feel. I've complained that I wasn't fitting in with a group last weekend, but all the while, another feeling was sort of festering. Though, I didn't feel completely comfortable about being with certain people, I was still part of a bigger whole. My point is: I was remembered.

Recently, my boyfriend was complaining about something to me and it got me thinking too. At first I had mixed feelings about it, and wasn't sure if he was being valid about it. I felt that way, only because I didn't really want to get involved, you know? Sure, he has every right to be unhappy. I can see why...now.

My boyfriend and my close gay friends are pretty much the only link I have to the gay side of my life. With them, I feel comfortable being myself. I feel safe, wanted, loved, and included. Unfortunately, recently the last one didn't really apply. I have not heard from them in a long time, nor was I invited to certain events. Granted I was unable to attend one, I was really not made aware of many of them. I guess the stigma of Arnell and I being a package is that it leads to the assumption that if he can't go, I can't. Then again, neither of us can go if neither was invited. I'm not really complaining about that though. I guess my feelings lie in the idea that maybe I'm losing my gay "family."

I don't have "boys" of my own. Outside of the main group I associated myself with, I don't have my own main group of gay friends. I depend on the friends that Arnell has graced me with...but suddenly, I haven't really been feeling included. I'm not a big fan of inviting myself to things. I must admit that I have done that before, but I sure feel stupid after.

So, I really understand my boyfriend's feelings now that I feel the same way. No, I never dismissed them. I was more like in denial about it. I really miss them. I miss the dinners, movies, trips to Disneyland, parties, clubbing and all of the other random things we would do. So missing not knowing about a recent barbecue kind of hurt my feelings. Then again, was I just not meant to be there to begin with?

In the end, it makes me unsure. Am I really part of a group? I thought I've invested enough time with them to be confident...but right now, I'm a little shaken.

At least with my main group of straight friends, I'm in the loop 99.5% of the time and if I'm not, they fill me in pretty quick...especially if they're making fun of me. ha.

Times change so I'm hoping for the benefit of the doubt...

Yeah, that's my two cents.

Homebody

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about going out right now. I've been craving to go out the weekend before school started and that didn't work out too well. As a result, I wanted to go out and have fun because I got through a crazy first week of school. Now, I just feel like going out to have a good time will only cause more stress on my head.

I went out on Friday to Rage in hopes to find the elusive "good time." Getting there was already half the battle. I was trying to get a hold of Arnell but frankly, he doesn't really check his phone at a club and doesn't seem to grip the idea of checking for messages just in case I'm trying to get a hold of him. God forbid if my face was on fire, he wouldn't really get the message until he decides to check the time off of his phone. Anyway, by the time he got my text message, I was just about ready to pay the cover charge. I expected him and my buds to be intoxicated by then. I was right. I wanted a hard drink, but I didn't want to drink alone. I had a crazy drive to the club. I was a little irritated by many people I knew at Rage since it seemed like no one knew who I was unless I was with Arnell. I was snubbed by so many different people so that didn't help my negative attitude. Long blog short...of all people, my own boyfriend didn't do much to comfort me or try to make my mood better. That's all I wanted. A hug or him saying "It's gonna be fine. Let's just have fun." I got NOTHING. He was more interested in having the attention of everyone else. Someone even asked, "Hey why don't you give your man some attention?" He said, "He gets enough of that at home." So really...how would anyone expect me to feel after being mad already?! Everyone else had the sense to TRY to get me to be in a better mood. I even told him to his face what was bothering me. Mind you I didn't say it in an angry or threatening way. He responded with a "that's YOUR problem" kind of look. He ignored me and embarassed me most of the night. Things escalated and I cried to my friends in the parking lot about how I felt. Yeah, I'm still a little pissed about it.

Tonight, I went out to Dimples in Burbank. I was already sketchy about me having a good time, but it was for Gail's birthday, so I was more than happy to join in the festivities. I did have a good time...but there were a few things that hindered me from having an even better time. Two guys in the bathroom were talking shit about me and looked like they were about to punch me out. Their anti-gay slurs really killed my buzz. I was also a tad uncomfortable since Gail has so many different friends from so many facets of her life. I didn't feel like I was fitting in the whole time. Apparently, gay people are great fodder for jokes, waitresses and emcees. All things considered, I had a pretty okay time...but I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable.

All I wanted was to blow my mind outta my skull...but I give up.

I'm sad and angry about Friday and uneasy about tonight. I don't even want to try to go out anymore. I can't expect to go out and have a good time. Who cares? I'm just going to go back to that God-forsaken store for my meager wages.

I hate work.
I didn't start the semester the way I would have hoped.
I think I'm just gonna stay home, do my homework, clean, and just fuckin feel sorry for my pathetic, broke ass.

Honestly, I find it hard to wake up in the morning. I guess I need a better reason than being alive.