OH. MY. GAD.

It's been a little over a year since I came out to my parents. CHECK THIS OUT...

I think it's time that I took the time to let you all know what has been going on with my life as of late. This entry is going to be a LONG one so I hope you have nothing to do. Trust me, this isn't an entry you want to skim through. Just take your time.

A lot has been going on with Mark Andrew Ocampo Kaiklian. A lot has happened even before I left for Oahu a few weeks ago. Thanks to a few people, my life has changed. I have learned so much about myself and my place in the world. Relationships have both strenghthened and weakened in the past weeks. My life went through a whole myriad of emotions, thoughts, opinions, and especially experiences. I have gained a new respect for myself, for my family and my friends. Unfortunately, I have lost the respect for others in the process. In any case, I need to maintain, or even regain, my equilibrium. In one month all of this happened to me: I have made new friends. I thought I fell in love. My heart was broken. My belief system was attacked. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I went to Disneyland. Strengthened friendships. Lost friendships. I realized how lucky I really am. Basically, I grew up.

So what exactly happened in Oahu? What was so special about my trip to paradise? What did I learn? What did I acheive? Why was it a trip I would never forget?

I'll let you know in a sec.

It was my first time in Hawaii. For months I was looking forward to this trip. I wouldn't stop ranting about it to all my friends. I'm sure my raving grew stale to them...but wouldn't you get really giddy if you were leaving for Hawaii for the first time?! The days slivered away and the depature date creeped closer and closer. I actually didn't pack until the night before the trip and our flight was at 10am. You could probably imagine my fatigue. The first thing I remember was the crisp sea breeze caressing my skin. I took a deep breath and said to myself, "We're here!" My uncle surprised us at the airport and had given us all leis. I was hoping I'd get one upon landing. hahaha.

For a week we saw the sights, lived the island life, and shopped like there was no tomorrow. I tried to absorb the history, life and culture of the island.

So what made this trip so different?

I CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I have actually been out to my friends and some of my family...but not to my parents. I told myself I would tell them...and a good friend helped me out. His support means so much to me. I wasn't going to forgive myself if I didn't clear the air. When I had told them my mom's first and immediate response was, "I know anak, I've known since you were 8. It's just a mother's instinct." Right after my dad jumped in and said, "We're family. I want to try to understand you. You don't have to worry about anything." At this point I cried. I feared the worst with my dad. They were confused as to why it was so hard for me to tell them; why it was such a big deal to me. I explained that my final closure was knowing that, of all people, I was able to tell my parents that I was gay. They said that they love me no matter what and that I don't have to worry about anything. My mom agreed when we talked about how I can minister to the kids who are unsure or scared to accept their sexuality. So now, it makes no difference who knows I'm gay or not. The fact is that my parents, friends and family know and they are okay with it...well most of them are.

Since then, I pursued relationships. My heart was broken a few times and I felt like giving up. I eventually found one who could handle me. He makes me feel whole. He understands me... So yes...I am exclusively seeing someone now and my parents know.

The funny thing about this whole story was how I finally decided to tell my parents. During our trip I prayed to God for a sign that it would be okay to tell my parents. The next day, while we were getting ready for breakfast, we noticed a lot of commotion coming from outside our window. Was this my sign that I had asked for? You tell me. It turns out the Gay Pride parade was working its way through Honolulu. I thought to myself, "Shit, if that's not a subtle sign...I don't know what is." Me, my dad and my sister went down to watch it. I had noticed that neither of them were phased by all the queers parading down the street. It was all done in a tasteful fashion mind you...

I know not all of you who are reading this know that I'm fruitier than a box of Froot Loops, but if you don't like my shit...then don't smell it.

I have done a lot of growing up. I have done a lot of suffering and it has finally ended. My life has changed for the better and I thank God that I am alive and sane enough to work through it all. My chain has been broken. I am free to live. I am free to love. I am free from my old self.

I want to know what you all think...even the haters. Give me what you got and I'll shoot you down faster than a terrorist fighter jet.

I wanted to break the news and spit out a new layout, but I was just too lazy to get another one done. In any case, expect a lot of changes around here.

The closet door has been opened. I needed some fresh air.

He has work. =(

I'm looking forward to some plans I made with someone for Friday.

*cheesy grin*
*does a stupid little dance*

I want to say that it's sort of a date, but I'm not sure. It seems kind of hasty of me to call it a "date." How about I call it a "night to take someone out to dinner and a movie with the intent to get to know him better?" Whatever you want to call it...I hope it goes well. He seems like great guy. Oddly, he wants to see "The Village" and I'm so bad with scary movies. Is that his way of making me cling on to him? I kid. I kid...but I'm serious about the scary movie part. I'm such a wussy.

I'm really not going to expect anything though. Most of my friends know how jaded I am when it comes to men. Whatever happens...happens. I just hope I can show him a good time.

**********

Maw...

Never forget who you are.
Never forget your true value.
Never let any one keep you from soaring.
Never stop to second guess your heart.
Never live in regret for following it either.
Never let anyone dictate who you are.
Never forget that you are not alone.
Never mind what other people say about you.
Never let anyone validate you.

Always remember you are loved
...for who you are.
...for who you are not.
...for everything you should be.
...and for everything that you hope to be.

Always hold your head high
...when someone tries to steal your thunder.
...when someone speaks ill of you.
...when no one else will believe in you.

Always remember that someone
...is always thinking about you.
...loves you more than you know.
...is glad to have you as a friend.
...knows everything about you and likes you anyway.
...recognizes how special you are.

When you fall I will stand you up again.
If cannot walk, I will carry you.

Just so you know...I'm not taking sides. There's no side to take.

I know I audio posted about an hour ago...but I thought that maybe my voice was getting somewhat stale. heh...so back to lovely old text I go...

These past few days have been really good to me. Though I didn't win money, I feel like my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and my whole self just got a jumpstart. I feel really refreshed, scared, excited, confused, anxious, and just happy...I know that it seems like my feelings are totally contrasted here, but there was just so much that went on while I wasn't home.

I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but I think that things are looking up right now. I mean, things were either on par or sub par... Now, it seems like just because I left, everything (well...almost everything) has changed for the better. I've been presented with a path and I hope that I don't trip upon taking it. I've been confused and a little saddened by some bad news. I've also been pleasantly surprised with myself in general.

I'm not worried anymore.

I am officially calling off the Seattle trip. That's why I was able to gamble while I was here in Vegas. I'm okay with it. It's also too late to take it back...I don't have enough money anymore and I cancelled the paperwork for the reservations.

I guess it's for the best.

I'm gonna try to sleep now. LOL the sun is up.

OFF TO VEGAS!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

I had such a great time at Rage the other night. I was totally sober and I made a couple of new friends.

In other news, I'm here at Palos Verdes spending some quality time with my brother and sister in law. Naturally, there's some good quality time with the nephew also. heh. Anyway, I had a good time tonight and there was a lot of eating involved. haha.

I'm leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow and I'm not really excited to go. I mean, I know that I go there pretty often, but it's not because of that. I guess it's because I don't have any cash that I can use to play. Well, whatever it is...I'm sure I'll be able to make the most of my time there. Maybe the pretty lights and the loud bells will snap me out of this little slump of mine.

I'm going to use this getaway to just have fun. I need time to myself to think things over and I need to just get away from people and things that have been either confusing me or getting on my nerves. I have so much to worry about but I think I should leave it all behind for a few days. So if I don't answer my phone don't wonder why. It's not that I don't want to talk to any of you. I just want to absorb the Vegas nightlife.

I'm going to get back to my food. It's getting cold and possibly eaten. hahaha. Maybe I'll stay the night and get some free starbucks in the morning...LOL.

WISH ME LUCK!

It's funny how circumstances aren't always ideal. There are times where obviously I cannot control them. There times where I should have taken the initiative to change them. Nonetheless, sometimes the only thing you can do is admit defeat.

It's human nature to long for something one cannot have. Though it hurts, sometimes one would take that step to look past the circumstance(s) holding them back. Most of the time (for me anyway) it ends with me crashing and burning.

I've learned to try my best to protect my feelings and the feelings of others. Whether its to benefit myself or to aid someone else even if it's at my own expense.

The last thing I'd want to do is to hurt someone, especially when it concerns love, emotion, feelings, and/or self-esteem. I wish there was more that I can do for a certain friend of mine...but again sometimes the only option is admitting defeat.

We're all human. We all have the capability to hurt and be hurt. Sometimes it's completely unintentional...

To my friend:
Never worry about your value. It will only increase. Don't question your worth based on another person. You're worth more than you know. If the world starts to cave in, call on me. Never hesitate to come to me for anything. I will try my best to be a friend and at the least be someone to support you whether you are right or wrong. All I can really be is friend and that I will try to keep that promise I made.

Never forget who you are. Always remember how special you are.

Thank you.

I had such a great time with the guys the other day.

SLEEP OVER!

No Disneyland.

No OC Fair.

No Museums.

Laguna Beach.

South Coast Plaza.

King's Hawaiian and the cute waiter Rich.

Redondo Pier.

Fantastic Four.........skin. LOL! (don't ask!)

Good times.

AH LUV YOO GAHZ. haha.

I just finished reminicing over my old choir days in high school. I remember that my junior year was quite difficult as well as memorable. I was listening to the 1999 ERHS Spring Concert and I lost myself completely into the past. With each song, I ran the gamut of emotions. With songs like, Turn the World Around, Dire't on, Miserere Mei, & All My Trials, it was easy to attach cetain feelings and sparked different thoughts of my supposed cloudy past. I laughed a little bit, and yes...dare I say it; I teared a little bit. I also remembered how easy life was back then. I was so naive too. If I had been told who I was going to be today, I wouldn't have believed it. I miss the carefree days of high school...as difficult as they were for me; struggling with myself inside. I miss how I didn't have to worry about money or having to budget my time so much. I mean, I was more active in high school, but I guess I had to burn out eventually and come crashing down. In any case, it was nice to have the music and memories carry me away.

Life was so easy...unlike nowadays. I've made my mistakes, said my part, and overstayed a few welcomes before. It's life. It comes with the territory I guess.

As I sang along with the old tape (YES. audio tape), I would close my eyes and still see myself on that old stage. I remembered my teacher's words before every big performance. "If you pass this threshold of the stage, you are NO longer ERHS students. You are better than that. You are performers first. Act accordingly." I miss the old me, but I'm more than content with who I am now. My past molded me, my thoughts, my emotions, my love for life and God.

There was one song that I could never get out of my head, All My Trials. It was an African spiritual that certainly meant a lot to the choir that year. After all, we won the command performance competition and worked so hard that year since it was Mr. Bockleman's last performance with us.

Yeah, I guess I was thinking a lot tonight. I didn't go anywhere. It kind of made me sad, but I just made myself useful.

All my trials Lord soon be over.

...now hush little baby don't you cry,
you know that man was born to die.

Heh...mortality. Yet another reality to swallow. One day my trials will be over. When that day comes, I'll know that I have lived a full and happy life.

I guess today was a tad interesting.
 
I've learned that karmic retrubution is one harsh bitch to screw with.
 
I've learned that sometimes shit happens to you...so DEAL WITH IT.
 
I've learned that it's okay for friends to drift as long as you don't let go completely.
 
I've always known that one should take responsibility for his or her own actions...whether it be deliberate or not...but I guess I shouldn't have taken that notion for granted.
 
I think I've overstayed my welcome in the downe community...

I feel special. My mommy got me my favorite ice cream. =)

The dance group is going well. I'm having a lot of fun with the group.

I'm feeling creative. I'm FINALLY designing a new website layout for my server. (SORRY ARIEL!!!) I'm almost done with the actual layout and the aesthetics are as good as done. I'm officially out of my sketchbook phase. Hopefully, I'll be done before I leave for Vegas.

The old design is really stale...being that I tossed it up there in one night. I hope you SDYMers will like the new look and new ideas.

DAMN IT'S HOT TODAY!

I really feel like I had a good day today. I thought that I was going to hate being home alone for the weekend, but I'm really liking it...

Today, I went to a not-so-great taping today, but I had fun nonetheless. It's always the company I'm with who make it good. I was with Keith, Mario, Gail, & Kookee watching "Balderdash" for PAX Television. It made me think about the LS boys for some reason.

sidenote: It's odd how I take this whole LA culture thing for granted. I mean, I live in one of the greatest cities in the world. There's so much to experience here, yet sometimes I feel like a tourist in my own city. It's kinda sad really... Where ever you live, I urge everyone to soak up the local culture. There's always a lot to see and do if you just look.

ANYWAY...

I got home and I figured that maybe I'd finish my laundry. I was happy to notice that I had gotten rid of my piles of dirty clothes and formed them into towering stacks of clean clothes. I took a nap intending on going to Randy's tonight for a BBQ, but I settled on staying home for the night. After all, I'm home alone, I might as well enjoy the seclusion, right?

I decided to just go to a Starbucks on a whim. I found a lot of change while doing my laundry...so I figured I deserved a little treat. I needed some air anyway. I ended up strolling Brand Boulevard for a while sipping on my iced tea and thumbed through some graphic art books at Borders. After about an hour, I needed a change of scenery, so I headed off to the Barnes and Nobles on Glendale Avenue. I did exactly the same thing there... I continued to sip and skim. About 35 minutes later the store was about to close so I decided to head out.

When I got home, I popped the last load into the dryer and decided to make some dinner for myself. I thought it would be kind of nice to set up a candlelit table for myself to set a relaxing ambience. I had some Chicken pesto and made my own garlic bread and some herbed oil dip for the bread too. To top it off, I had a little White Zinfindel to take the edge off.

I actually enjoy this whole home alone deal...It's not often that I get to do it, but I'm feeling really productive and relaxed. I can do what I want...when I want. Of course, I was able to do that before...but it's nice not having to fight over things and have people test my patience here at home.

As much as I wanted to go out...I just felt the need to be alone tonight. I'm actually looking forward to making breakfast tomorrow. haha...and I don't even eat breakfast. I'm not up early enough.

So there you have it...I've been having a good weekend. Let's hope I can cover that shift tomorrow at work so I can make a little extra money for my Seattle fund. Anyone want to donate? haha. I kid. I kid.

Let's hope the rest of the weekend goes well...

I can't stop feeling like this. I know it's completely irrational. It's not my style. I wish it wasn't like that. I was so happy not having to think about it...but now look. I never thought I'd be in this position. Ugh. I'm stupid.

It wouldn't work. Would it? *sigh*

Thanks for a good time tonight Gail. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I'm so happy today.

Have you ever started liking someone that you knew you couldn't have?

I think I'm starting to feel that way and it really sucks.

Why does the world have to tease me like that? *sigh*

I had a great July 4th! haha.

-met justin's family and cousins and their boyfriends (cute boyfriends...haha).
-shot some hoops for the first time in ages.
-got to light some cool fireworks for the first time in 15 years.
-played bartender (im glad everyone liked my drinks...even his parents!)
-got drunk. (haha)
-made some new friends.

Good times all around. =)

Here's a friend test for you all. (I was bored. Sorry. hahaha.)

Just to warn you now...IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT. haha.

You enjoy life. You know what fun is and people
admire you for your natural flare. People
either love you or hate you but you know what
you want, and you couldn't care less. You're
the Carefree Hip Styled type of Gay Guy.


What type of gay guy are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Long day...oh lordy what a long day.

First off, I had to take my mom to work at the ungodly hour of 6:30 am...like I usually do. I hate it. I get home and I couldn't get to back to sleep until 9:30 am. I wanted to wake up at about 1100 am at the latest so I could run some errands and just leave straight to the beach...but no... my alarm didn't go off and I didn't get up until 2:30. I also had to get my paycheck. I was hoping that it would help me out quite a bit for my trip. It didn't. I made more money dealing cards for the guys the other night. I was REALLY upset about the fact I'm so far from having enough money for this trip. I was also on call but I wasn't needed...just like I thought. I still haven't eaten at this point. I left a little before 4:00 and I was STARVING. I was caught in traffic so I thought that making a detour would speed things up a bit. Of course...it didn't for some odd reason, the flow of traffic was worse on the sidestreets. I didn't get home until about 4:45. I was pissed since it took me 3 times as long to get home as it normally should.

I finally get home to start to eat and I microwave the family leftovers and popped open the rice cooker only to hear my Lola say, "Aye, Mark...wala nang kanin. Kinain ni mommy at daddy mo. O...Gusto mong tinapay?." (Mark, there's no more rice. Your parents ate it all. How about bread instead?) That sent me over the edge. I would have thought that food would stop the bleeding but it only dragged the laceration wide open. I just left my shit in the microwave and just trodded off into my room. I stared at the ceiling and I started to count the money I have stashed away for the trip. It upset me even more...I eventually ate since my lola was nice enough to cook me a batch to eat.

I was too angry to join the LS boys at Hermosa. After some talking to by Ben and Alan, I decided to leave. I left at about 6:15-6:20. I was hoping to get there by 7:30. There was a misunderstanding with the directions and I veered off course by about 35 minutes. That was the last straw for me. I was fuming mad. I was really frustrated with the whole day. I wanted to just go straight home. I was sobbing to John on the phone and telling him that I was just going to head home. It's too late. I wasted my time and my gas. I was PISSED!

I decided to just go to the beach. I wanted to just walk the shore. I wanted to sit on the sand and just BREATHE. They didn't even let me do that. I was so pissed that I was just breaking shit. I kicked around a dome lid from a public trash can. My foot got kinda messed up as a result. It's okay though. I had to I drove for over 2 hours and all I wanted to do was sit. I gave in and we went to the pier to eat. I wasn't feeling like eating but the pizza looked pretty inviting. Eventually, my temper died down, but the whole night I had this overwhelming emptiness.

I hate the fact that I missed the whole day with them. I missed everything only because I was out having a bad day. I was looking forward to so much only to miss it.

Ugh...tomorrow is a new day. I have work and nothing else so maybe I could do something for myself.

[[[I'm kinda irritated right now. I totally hate having to get up at 6 something in the morning to drive my mom to work. I hate how it fucks up plans for me...but what choice do I have?]]]

The more I think about it, the more it worries me... I'm just not sure if I can make this trip...but I'll be damned if I don't. I have just about a dollar left in my checking account. There's about a month left and I have a little less than 25% of the money and I'm STILL struggling to save up. Selling my shit at Crossroads didn't work (though I'm going to keep trying). There aren't too many cans to collect around here. Collecting cans just makes me feel so fucking pathetic too, but I'm trying the best I can. Work isn't even giving me hours. In fact, I don't have any fucking hours next week. Today is payday and I'll consider myself lucky to even have a $40 paycheck. I can't really look for a new job considering the fact that if I get a better one, it would reflect badly on me to ask for a whole week off in August. The only thing that's paying my gas every week is dealing cards for the guys. Obviously, I can't afford to gamble what I earn each week. I don't even really want to ask for handouts either. ugh.

Things are looking really bleak for me. I can't really drive anywhere. I can't even afford to buy something to eat when there's no food here. Now, the guys want to go to Soak City and I can't afford to go, let alone drive there.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure all of a sudden. I'm just gonna have to get a little more creative if I expect to earn and save to meet my goal.

(I'm sure most of you who are reading this are saying, "Shut up, Mark. Stop complaining about money...")