((FIRST OF ALL... GO LAKERS! The NUGGETS have been dipped! WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPS!!!))
And So the Story Goes...
No one ever said that making adult decisions would be easy. These decisions won't always pan out the way you want them to either. With every choice you make, a reaction must follow...and today that reaction was my phone blowing up with text messages, phone calls, emails, and website notifications. I realized my network knows me too well, and I am spewing with gratitude over it.
I can't say if the outside world saw my decision coming... but people could sense the static in the air. I have made my choice and there isn't anything or anyone that can really change my stance. I accept that some people will see me as the bad guy. I realize that I will have to suffer for the choice I made. I feel that my choice is best for both parties involved. A good friend once said, "What is true faith, unless it is tested." I have wrestled with a restless heart for a while now...and now the struggle is over and the transition begins.
And so the story goes on... A new chapter seems to begin. I will be triumphant. I will keep growing. I will always look forward and make sure that my happiness stays with me. I now know the true merit of my friends and family. Thank you all for supporting me in these times of trouble.
I will always love you. I will never regret having you as one of the most significant people in my life. I don't expect you to see my point of view, but I do expect you to respect it. I will always acknowledge the fact that you have done so much for me in this life. My hope for you is that you surpass your expectations in life. I, of all people, realize the potential you have to succeed in whatever you focus on. I want you to crave being a better person for yourself...always. Always have that love for family, it's what I admired about you.I hope that we can one day reconnect and be active people in each other's lives. Until then, I bid you a heartfelt, "farewell" and "thank you."
For the last time - 32J.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Crowned Royal
The Luxor has crowned me royal.
Las Vegas isn't normally a place where one would have a quarter-life ephihany. There are certain people in your life with a definite role...and in every of season we develop these expectations of our favorite characters. Some end up hating each other. Some fall in love. Some are just that lost, lovable goober that never fails to surprise even the most seasoned viewer. With each passing season, the love stories keep changing. The B & C stories suddenly become less important, and the chemistry between roles tend to change.
I had some serious conversations with my brother, my buds and with God over the long weekend. Everyone who has had some insight has given me a sort of enlightenment, if not comfort.
The critics and fans of my show all seem to agree. They feel like my scripts are being written by another writer. The writer they all knew 2 months ago died in a freak Twitter Fail Whale accident. In his place, is a more positive, carefree, soon-to-be sugar free, humorous, generous, and strong writer who has started to write his own destiny. The episodes have captured a bigger audience now that I have made myself available to making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, loving the ones I have now even more, and promoting some of the current ones.
Though the guest appearances change or even repeat, the main cast remains strong. No matter where the story goes, the audience knows to expect nothing but memories, lessons and heartache.
The art of life is an art that none have mastered. Life is art as it constantly evolves, and if art imitates life, then life must be a masterpiece to behold.
Fade to black.
Roll end credits.
The Luxor has crowned me royal.
Las Vegas isn't normally a place where one would have a quarter-life ephihany. There are certain people in your life with a definite role...and in every of season we develop these expectations of our favorite characters. Some end up hating each other. Some fall in love. Some are just that lost, lovable goober that never fails to surprise even the most seasoned viewer. With each passing season, the love stories keep changing. The B & C stories suddenly become less important, and the chemistry between roles tend to change.
I had some serious conversations with my brother, my buds and with God over the long weekend. Everyone who has had some insight has given me a sort of enlightenment, if not comfort.
The critics and fans of my show all seem to agree. They feel like my scripts are being written by another writer. The writer they all knew 2 months ago died in a freak Twitter Fail Whale accident. In his place, is a more positive, carefree, soon-to-be sugar free, humorous, generous, and strong writer who has started to write his own destiny. The episodes have captured a bigger audience now that I have made myself available to making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, loving the ones I have now even more, and promoting some of the current ones.
Though the guest appearances change or even repeat, the main cast remains strong. No matter where the story goes, the audience knows to expect nothing but memories, lessons and heartache.
The art of life is an art that none have mastered. Life is art as it constantly evolves, and if art imitates life, then life must be a masterpiece to behold.
Fade to black.
Roll end credits.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Just Words in a Story
Existence is meaningless without a story. Right now, my story is confusing at best. I thought the characters in my story made sense. I thought that I knew where the plot was going, but with each new character introduced, the story changes its trajectory. No one knows where this is all going. So now, I struggle with the fear stemming from this new frontier in life: adulthood. The story now has a twist. I always thought the term, "quarter-life crisis" was a total crock. However, now I hesitate to admit that I am taking stock into that whole concept.
I am at a crossroads.
Once again, I struggle with my identity as I reassess my life and the people in it. Every person is a beautiful tapestry woven from different influences of the very people they cross. I am very grateful for the fabric of my being, but sooner or later the dead, negative weight could tear the cloth. My brother always said, "If someone does you no good in life, why are they in it?"
Before my day starts, I will pray for clarity and patience...as my mind has been clouded with distraction and my patience is essentially running on fumes. To anyone that comes across this post, I ask that you pray for me the the characters in my story.
Even though the story has changed, I still can't seem to put the damn book down.
Existence is meaningless without a story. Right now, my story is confusing at best. I thought the characters in my story made sense. I thought that I knew where the plot was going, but with each new character introduced, the story changes its trajectory. No one knows where this is all going. So now, I struggle with the fear stemming from this new frontier in life: adulthood. The story now has a twist. I always thought the term, "quarter-life crisis" was a total crock. However, now I hesitate to admit that I am taking stock into that whole concept.
I am at a crossroads.
Once again, I struggle with my identity as I reassess my life and the people in it. Every person is a beautiful tapestry woven from different influences of the very people they cross. I am very grateful for the fabric of my being, but sooner or later the dead, negative weight could tear the cloth. My brother always said, "If someone does you no good in life, why are they in it?"
Before my day starts, I will pray for clarity and patience...as my mind has been clouded with distraction and my patience is essentially running on fumes. To anyone that comes across this post, I ask that you pray for me the the characters in my story.
Even though the story has changed, I still can't seem to put the damn book down.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Life Happened
I noticed that I was sounding a bit complainy when I was talking to my friend, Alex. (Who by the way hasn't been in my life lately since high school. However, we managed to find each other at the right times in our respective lives.) Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not complaining at all. It's just that I asked him why all these feelings and thoughts are running rampant in my heart and mind. He simply said, "Mark, life happened. It's like you went through 'life puberty.'"
He's right. I guess it's just me going through some quasi-quarter life crisis...it's me becoming a grown-ass-man.
I find myself connecting with people I should have stayed in touch with a while back. I also find myself connecting with new people who are witnessing my growth. There are a few people in my life right now who has gone beyond the call of being a friend. They may not realize how they have kept me sane (or fed my personal insanity). Honestly, I'm still really weirded out about how my life is so full of positivity. I'm even going to venture into something that will improve my health and physical appearance. But, I'm a little shy to admit what it is right now. Just know that I plan to focus and stay on the track of self-improvement.
I've been learning to live with the changes and improvements that have been coming my way. I'm slowly accepting my position in life. I'm beginning to understand that I am actually as rare as they come. I am a responsible, strong, educated young man who is actually using his degree. I like where I work and the people I work with. I have gained a HUGE respect of self and my ability to be me. I can't have anyone who can't benefit me, right now. I don't have time to deal with dead weight.
Though this evolution, yet relatively short, has been overwhelming. I feel like I'm just slowly walking in the dark with my hands out in front and feeling my way through. I'm fortunate that I have had some people willing to hold my hand right when I need them. I'm definitely not the same person I was a month ago.
In other news, I really think this past weekend has been really great. It started with a Foster's grilled cheese sandwich and an orange Fanta. Then somewhere in between I reconnect with an old friend while having an "awkward" urinal conversation...on tape. Ordered a Tocilog and getting a Tapsilog instead... and now I plan to cap it all off with choir and mass.
Life is good right now.
Holy shit, I really think I'm starting to learn how to fly...
Life is happening. It's really happening. Aren't you fuckin' excited?
I noticed that I was sounding a bit complainy when I was talking to my friend, Alex. (Who by the way hasn't been in my life lately since high school. However, we managed to find each other at the right times in our respective lives.) Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not complaining at all. It's just that I asked him why all these feelings and thoughts are running rampant in my heart and mind. He simply said, "Mark, life happened. It's like you went through 'life puberty.'"
He's right. I guess it's just me going through some quasi-quarter life crisis...it's me becoming a grown-ass-man.
I find myself connecting with people I should have stayed in touch with a while back. I also find myself connecting with new people who are witnessing my growth. There are a few people in my life right now who has gone beyond the call of being a friend. They may not realize how they have kept me sane (or fed my personal insanity). Honestly, I'm still really weirded out about how my life is so full of positivity. I'm even going to venture into something that will improve my health and physical appearance. But, I'm a little shy to admit what it is right now. Just know that I plan to focus and stay on the track of self-improvement.
I've been learning to live with the changes and improvements that have been coming my way. I'm slowly accepting my position in life. I'm beginning to understand that I am actually as rare as they come. I am a responsible, strong, educated young man who is actually using his degree. I like where I work and the people I work with. I have gained a HUGE respect of self and my ability to be me. I can't have anyone who can't benefit me, right now. I don't have time to deal with dead weight.
Though this evolution, yet relatively short, has been overwhelming. I feel like I'm just slowly walking in the dark with my hands out in front and feeling my way through. I'm fortunate that I have had some people willing to hold my hand right when I need them. I'm definitely not the same person I was a month ago.
In other news, I really think this past weekend has been really great. It started with a Foster's grilled cheese sandwich and an orange Fanta. Then somewhere in between I reconnect with an old friend while having an "awkward" urinal conversation...on tape. Ordered a Tocilog and getting a Tapsilog instead... and now I plan to cap it all off with choir and mass.
Life is good right now.
Holy shit, I really think I'm starting to learn how to fly...
Life is happening. It's really happening. Aren't you fuckin' excited?
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Growing Pains & Reevaluation
When a friend comes up to you and says, "I think we need to talk," a sense of intimidation and fear floods inside you like water in a drowning lung. Suddenly this fuckwave builds right above you and all you think about is how you're going to handle this wall of water you're about to collide with. Immediately, you think of ways to maneuver your way though and around, while you hope you don't run out of breath. You uselessly search for something to grab onto and brace yourself...and all the while you're never really sure how things are going to pan out. Either way, mortality still rears its head for some reason.
When you're asked to join this universally dreaded conversation, you quickly (and possibly unnecessarily) think of EVERYTHING that you thought you'd done wrong. You twist facts to validate the right or wrong in each situation. You weigh out every circumstance in hopes you have a cohesive thought. It's even WORSE if you have to wait for the moment of this possibly life-destroying conversation. What if... What if... What if...
The true measure of a friend is how worried they are when they have to be brutally honest with you. An even bigger measure is how they gather the courage for this display of brute strength. Honestly, I never found my friends to be completely unobservant of my life, but I didn't expect them to intervene when things got really sloppy. That must mean something was really that bad.
It gave me a chance to open a door and let some light in. It let my friends know that I'm okay and we're still on the same page. All the while, they thought we weren't even in the same book. So after a heart-to-heart, a huge sigh of relief escaped my lungs...without a single drop of water. In a short time, the fuckwave subsided to nothing more than a gentle current. Smooth sailing, you say? Not really.
Now that a door has opened, a whole other world has become available to me. I have no idea what to expect once I decide to peek or even walk through this door, but it's my life path and I can't just leave the door open and complain about the draft, can I? This conversation made me realize that I'm growing. I'm growing into this person I've been meaning to become. Things need to change. I need to change.
This bittersweet life has offered so much to me recently. In most cases, I didn't have a choice in the matter. You cannot refuse when God decides to have one of your best friends slowly start to fade because of cancer. Nor, can you refuse when God decides to give you the ability to hope and love either. It's funny how things work that way. On the other sweeter side of life, you cannot deny God's grace when it comes to you. I glady accepted the position at my recent workplace and aim to survive another work week like a real adult. Life's bitter & sweet. It always has been, but we all know you can't have one with out the other.
Opportunity is knocking at my door and selling me all kinds of shit in that stupid tupperware box. I'll sit through the features and benefits speech. Hell, I'll even sit through the demonstration, but doesn't mean I'm buying. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of change happening and I have yet to be convinced that my life is just fine.
I'm drifting without a paddle and I know there's another fuckwave just waiting to try to drown me. In the meantime, I'll float and see where things take me.
Sink or swim? Fuck. I'm too old for floaties.
When a friend comes up to you and says, "I think we need to talk," a sense of intimidation and fear floods inside you like water in a drowning lung. Suddenly this fuckwave builds right above you and all you think about is how you're going to handle this wall of water you're about to collide with. Immediately, you think of ways to maneuver your way though and around, while you hope you don't run out of breath. You uselessly search for something to grab onto and brace yourself...and all the while you're never really sure how things are going to pan out. Either way, mortality still rears its head for some reason.
When you're asked to join this universally dreaded conversation, you quickly (and possibly unnecessarily) think of EVERYTHING that you thought you'd done wrong. You twist facts to validate the right or wrong in each situation. You weigh out every circumstance in hopes you have a cohesive thought. It's even WORSE if you have to wait for the moment of this possibly life-destroying conversation. What if... What if... What if...
The true measure of a friend is how worried they are when they have to be brutally honest with you. An even bigger measure is how they gather the courage for this display of brute strength. Honestly, I never found my friends to be completely unobservant of my life, but I didn't expect them to intervene when things got really sloppy. That must mean something was really that bad.
It gave me a chance to open a door and let some light in. It let my friends know that I'm okay and we're still on the same page. All the while, they thought we weren't even in the same book. So after a heart-to-heart, a huge sigh of relief escaped my lungs...without a single drop of water. In a short time, the fuckwave subsided to nothing more than a gentle current. Smooth sailing, you say? Not really.
Now that a door has opened, a whole other world has become available to me. I have no idea what to expect once I decide to peek or even walk through this door, but it's my life path and I can't just leave the door open and complain about the draft, can I? This conversation made me realize that I'm growing. I'm growing into this person I've been meaning to become. Things need to change. I need to change.
This bittersweet life has offered so much to me recently. In most cases, I didn't have a choice in the matter. You cannot refuse when God decides to have one of your best friends slowly start to fade because of cancer. Nor, can you refuse when God decides to give you the ability to hope and love either. It's funny how things work that way. On the other sweeter side of life, you cannot deny God's grace when it comes to you. I glady accepted the position at my recent workplace and aim to survive another work week like a real adult. Life's bitter & sweet. It always has been, but we all know you can't have one with out the other.
Opportunity is knocking at my door and selling me all kinds of shit in that stupid tupperware box. I'll sit through the features and benefits speech. Hell, I'll even sit through the demonstration, but doesn't mean I'm buying. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of change happening and I have yet to be convinced that my life is just fine.
I'm drifting without a paddle and I know there's another fuckwave just waiting to try to drown me. In the meantime, I'll float and see where things take me.
Sink or swim? Fuck. I'm too old for floaties.
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