happy fucking halloween.

I've never had a great halloween...so what made me think this was gonna be a good one?

I hate myself. I hate halloween. I hate everything.

sometimes, it's the little acknowledgements that goes a long way.. a "hey what's up, how are things in smooky san diego" or even a simple "thanks" is greatly appreciated... it's funny, sometimes you don't notice that you take your friends for granted.. once you need something, there you are: knocking at their doorstep.. but what about the times when you don't need anything? where are you to be found? i don't know, it's just something i've been thinkin about...

Kreees...I know what you mean.

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"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. "

- Aristotle

I've been wallowing in my own shit for, it seems like, forever. I haven't really been sleeping well. Like I told a friend earlier today, "Sometimes it's hard to be understanding...but I have to be." Maybe I'm being selfish for asking for even a little bit. Sure, one would think I'm angry. I don't know if I'm angry with you. I don't know if I'm upset with the situation. All I know is that I'm not really happy. I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I feel like I'm not as important as everyone else over there. I know you have a lot of important exams. I know that you have all of these important people to impress...Understanding? Sure. Patient? Not much left in that department.

What exactly do you know is going on in my life? Do you even care enough to know how MY day went? Do you care how I feel after something? What about my life? What about MY thoughts? I remember the last time I tried to talk to you about a problem...you didn't even acknowledge it. You went on about something else. I didn't like that at all.

Where were you when I had my bad day yesterday? I needed you. A lot has been going on with me...but now I feel like the one person who would want to know about it is too busy for me now. What about me? What about MY feelings? I'm so tired of wondering. I'm so tired of staring at my ceiling at night...I'm tired of waiting by the phone hoping you'd call me. I'm tired of sending email without a response. I'm tired of you not validitating my problems. I'M TIRED.

No. You know what? I'm angry with you and the situation. Fine...there. I'm selfish.

well...guess that's what college is for. you meet people. you lose people. you live. and sometimes you die.

Keith, I agree with you totally. But I think that's just life in general.

I survived the day. I turned off the phone and avoided AIM just to be completely left alone. The day went by quick as my art class was cancelled. I'm not in a good mood...but I'm not in a bad mood either. At least I can relax a little bit tonight and tomorrow. Beb...I miss you.

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If I were a movie...I'd be...


My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

Damn. I'm bad. Well, at least I'm not XXX. har har.

I am in the most FUCKED up mood right now. Ugh. My mom is getting on my last nerve. I'm ready to smack someone.

Another thing...Why the fuck is CSUN still open for session while every other damn surrounding school is closed for evacuation? STUPID. I hope someone gets fired for that decision.

Sure, mom...I'll stop studying and doing homework just to clean.

They tell me that my priorities are fucked up...I wonder where I got it from.

After reading what Gail wrote, I thought about a lot.

I'm not really sure what it was today, but during mass, I had this overwhelming feeling of peace of mind. For about an hour, nothing mattered to me. Nothing mattered more than to contemplate about God and assess my life. I've been keeping a few people in my prayers recently. They carry burdens that I can't even imagine to comprehend. These intentions were offered on behalf of family and friends. There is so much going on now. After this past summer, things have unfolded and the big picture just got so much bigger. I gained so much respect for myself and from my family. I lost touch with so many people. I miss so many of my friends. A close friendship died, all because of my sexuality. I've been so busy. I'm worrying about finding a fucking job. I have a boyfriend who loves me. But it's getting more and more difficult to see him because of schedule conflicts and distance. I could write a fucking book about what happened to me these 5 months. Life bloomed. Was I ready for all of these alterations?

Friends. It's pretty self explanatory. I miss my friends who moved off to college. I miss my high school friends who stuck with me throughout college. I miss the inside jokes and the lame stories we would have. Gail was right. Good friends are hard to come by. Some just leave for the most insignificant reasons. Some are just as busy as I am. Some just forget the true worth of a friend. Some forget that time apart doesn't mean that I don't care.

My life has been pretty difficult to balance as of late. I want to become more motivated to improve myself academically, physically, and mentally. There have been little opportunity for me to sit down and shut up. I want to have a whole 2 weeks to travel and make up for lost time with people. I want to have a clear schedule and sit and talk to my friends who more than deserve my attention. I want to have sit and converse with my old friends; catch up. I laughed and finally let myself play today. I think it's about time I do more of that too.

Is this really too much to ask for? I want to improve. I want to persevere. I want to be satisfied with life. I want so much for myself and for my friends. I want to be a better boyfriend. I want to be a better uncle. I want to be a better brother. I want to be so much more than I am right now.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and complaining.

I'm tired of looking back and regretting my mistakes.

I'm tired of looking stupid.

I'm tired of this layout.

I'm tired of my friendster picture.

I'm tired of feeling insecure.

I'm tired of looking around and wishing.

I'm just tired.

Angry? No... Just feeling very unfulfilled.

I never realized the fun factor of silly string.

hahaha.

Thanks for the call Jhen. I've missed you.

BAH! Friendship Games? meh. I could honestly care less. Overrated? Maybe not to most...Have a safe and fun time whoever is going.

OOOOOH. Poker? Don't mind if I do.

My boyfriend is so sweet. ha. You know how they say the little things are the things that really count for a lot? After talking to him last night, I realized that he does a lot of seemingly small things...but they mean a lot. I'm happy to hear him talk about his daily battles here and there and reassures me that everything is all good. Sometimes, I feel like he's not listening to me and my day sometimes, but the elation in his voice kinda makes up for it. I didn't really get to talk to him yesterday...but hearing him say "I love you," gave me a little more peace of mind.

Unfortunately, I'm probably not going to see him this weekend. He's been looking forward to friendship games. I have a lot to do this weekend, so I guess I'll manage to keep myself occupied. I'm going to be volunteering at the Parish Fiesta. I'm having lunch with the Bishop and the SDYM core team. I have 2 tests on Tuesday. I'm almost done with Poker Nation. I'm getting a haircut. (I already colored...it's REALLY subtle.) I have to pay my bills. I need to clean up my room and bathroom. So, as you can probably already tell, I have quite a list of tasks to tend to.

In other news, boyfriend got me addicted to this game. It's pretty fun to play. hahaha. It can kill a lot of time and the pudgy little anime boys and girls are so cute. You can even buy outfits for them. hahaha.

Okay, I'm going back to bed. One of you knows why I wasn't feeling the sleeping vibe for a while...but let's not go there. ha.

I can't imagine my closest friends thinking that I don't care. This past month has been push and pull for me; not that I'm making an excuse. There hasn't really been a weekend for me to stop and smell the roses.

I got a friendly reminder that my old friends miss me. I also got the impression that they think I don't care. I couldn't believe it. Why would I not care about my friends all of a sudden? Why would I simply forget them and what they've done for me?

I, of all people, wouldn't take my friends for granted. I am really lucky to have friends like the ones I have. They accept me for who I am. So why would I simply dismiss them? The only thing that really hurt me is that some of my friends have come to the conclusion that I don't care about them, simply because I've been MIA.

To my bestest friend in the world:

We've been friends for about 8 years now. We've been through too much for me to just forget about you. I know you need your friends more than ever now. I'm sorry I've been on the run so much. I'm sorry I made you think I don't care. I've been praying for you like you asked me. I've been concerned about you since we last talked. I don't really understand why talking to me about your problems would be difficult, let alone thinking that I would be the last person who would care.

I love you. Don't doubt that. I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry.

I had an okay night at Knott's. Got left hanging.

I had a broken sleep all night. I guess I'm thinking too much again.

No one is home and I have no plans. I hope there's a poker night.

I'm not happy...I wasn't happy since last night. Some of you should know why.

Is it just me, or does one become hot property when they're taken? I don't get it. I mean it was flattering and all...heh.

Anyway, I had so much fun tonight. I got to spend some time with good friends and even randomly went clubbing with some old friends while making new friends at the same time. hahaha. Such a friendly night...

Now I'm gonna go see another good friend...









...my bed.

good night.

I miss him so much. I guess it's because I was able to spend a whole weekend with him. I don't know what it is, but I just miss him a lot. I can't call him since he's out and about with his friends...which is what he's supposed to be doing. One of the few reason that I can sleep at night is that he's doing just fine and making lots of friends. I have to be supportive and understanding. He needs that; especially that I'm not really around. I have to give him space and trust him, right? I have no reason to not do so.

Recently, I talked to a good friend about why his latest relationship failed. It wasn't his fault. His boyfriend didn't give him his space. He didn't let him grow in his new environment. It made me think about how hard it can be to let go sometimes. The hardest part is driving home from his campus or not getting to hug or kiss him goodbye...but obviously, that's the way it has to be. It would be wrong of me to be selfish and not allow him to do whatever he wants to do. He needs to get out there and really find out what life's all about. He's so happy living the dorm life...and what kind of boyfriend would I be to take away from such a positive exeperience?

I know my relationship hasn't been very long, but we learned that we have to compromise and sacrifice. I need to be patient and selfless. I need to understand and continue to support him.

I really love him a lot. He means the world to me. No one needs to know who he is if you don't know already. I've been getting questions as to who he is...but he asked me not to give out his name...and of course, I understand.

With each day that passes, I know that our relationship grows stronger...even a little bit. I would bend over backwards for him. After all, isn't that what a good boyfriend would be willing to do? Another thing is that we communicate well. Even if one doesn't want to talk about it...we make sure we talk it over before we part ways. There hasn't been a night where we went to sleep angry with each other. Sometimes he has to force my thoughts outta me...as I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. heh.

Thanks for making me laugh this past weekend beb. I needed to forget my troubles and get happy.

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this poem means so much to me. thanks mocha. you're awesome.

A Good Leader

He was my stepping-stone to you Lord
He led me to the stairway to grace
Because of him I have greater faith Lord
And for once I didn’t need to race

He taught me to live life as myself Lord
And walk on the street knowing you were at my side
He taught me to love you more than ever Lord
He strengthened my pride

He wasn’t only your follower Lord
But a leader to all
He pushed himself to help others Lord
And made sure our faith would never fall

Mark is a leader Lord
The greatest one I’ve ever met and personally known
Mark is my leader Lord
And now it has truly shown

He has devoted life to you Lord
So all I ask for you to do
Give him my hearts blessing Lord
Because he brought two people together, me and you!

MOCHAchee

With that, I can smile and say...

LIFE IS GOOD.

I had a great time in Vegas this past weekend. We even extended the vacation one more night! haha. I'm so glad that boyfriend went with the group...although he was the only one who wasn't quite old enough to play, but with the help of my brother's extra ID, he was able to play. It was funny when he was carded. Sometimes the atttendants just asked if he was 21 and he merely replied with a cool and collected, "Yeah. I am."

I got burned in Texas Hold 'em TWICE! It was a $40 buy-in. haha. The craps table was a cocktease. Regular and triple play video poker became my new interest. The slots were really nice to me too. I never thought that I can make $8 into $60+ bucks while you play nickels. I never thought losing about $200 can be so much fun! Oh, I'm now a player's club member for the MGM/Mirage properties and the Stations Properties. haha. It's official. I'm a gambler.

A big thanks to Lei and the family for letting us crash at their vacation house and giving us the Lei Frontside suite. haha. I was so happy to spend some time with them and my nephew.

I have lots of stories that we created in the Silver State's city of sin...but you know what they say, "Whatever happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas."

Don't worry folks, Mark was a good sober boy the whole weekend. =)

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I got out of my POLS 155 class early due to a midterm. I honestly didn't get much studying done thanks to the big weekend. heh heh. I wanted to kill time before 2 so I came up to the collaboratory to blog.

Anyway, I just remembered that you guys didn't remind me to blog about the funny story when I was at Frisco last weekend. Oh well. I don't know if it's still fresh in my head.

Okay...I'm almost done with the day and I know I'll be home early.

I'm off to Vegas today. Yay for me.

I WANT TO SEE THIS SOOOOO BAD.

Okay, I'm on tilt.

The only thing that I don't like about big trips is that I get irritated when the groove is thrown off for everyone. At least tell me what's going on so that way I can relay it to the people who NEED the information. I'm so irritated with how everything is just up in the air. I don't mind leaving late, but at least let me know so I can plan my shit accordingly.

I know I'm pretty antsy about leaving, but I don't want my bro guessing his way through the weekend.

I always hate the part right before I leave. Things are just so hectic. It drives me nuts.

It's funny when you know when you're on a point and someone can't handle the fact they have been contradicted. In poker, we call this a "tilt." Well, a version of it anyway. Since you didn't give me the last word... in defense of my good friend:

I agree with the no fingers being pointed, but im not trying to protect his ego. I know he's a secure enough of a person who can stand by his decisions. I dont think that it's a fair assessment to say that he doesnt know who he is. Maybe he found out exactly who he is and that pushed him to do what he decided to do. We can't conclude that he doesnt know who he is. I dont know whats in his head and neither do you. I don't know his reasons for his actions but I'm just defending his character and his ability to make his decision. I'm not against you. I have no reason to be. It's just that he is my friend and I only think it's right to disagree on a comment that you have. I may not know exactly what happened, but I'm not really that stupid either. I've known him much longer than you have.

Hypocrites? Everyone is a hypocrite. It's human nature to contradict ourselves from time to time. I don't think that would justify his actions.

I understand that you're sad. I understand that you're upset and that your perspective on things may be tainted. Look at both sides...after all, you said it was a mutual thing.

Can't the week go by faster please?!

I'd love to be at the craps tables and having the time of my life in Vegas.

I feel so shitty right now.

Why'd you have to be so busy?

I miss you.

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO COMPETE FOR COMPUTER TIME IN THIS DAMN HOUSE. IT'S SERIOUSLY TIME TO GET ME A LAPTOP. DAMMIT! BLAH!!!

I hope that I win big enough in vegas to get me a laptop...and PIECE OF MIND! No one in this house will ever touch it... Me? Win in Vegas? Not likely. boo... I hate having to plead my case just to keep my file transfers from getting cut off.

My sister is always the one I have to work around. Supposedly she's doing her homework...which I don't mind. But the thing is that she's IM-ing people left and right while working and she's forbidden to do that by the parentals. The thing I fear is that I don't know what her business is online. I don't know who she talks to nor do I know what sites she's seen or being referred to. I know she's not stupid, but at 11, you'd be pretty naive to a lot of things.

I guess IM-ing is this generation's "thing." The cool thing in my junior high days were pagers and those stupid precise ink pens. So, I guess I kind of understand the triviality of a "thing" that the mainstream share.

I'm officially peeved.

UGH.

oh... one more thing...hahaha i think i jumped the gun earlier but...

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY LEI!

I think I'm going to cut down the amount of links on my blogger. I'm just going to reevaluate their relation and or importance to me. I also need to update a few of the links anyway.

Let the ass kissing begin...

(RANDOM idea: I just bought me a 128 SD card... Don't tell dad I have one. Thanks.)

I think a Frisco vacation was what I needed. I had a great time and got to see some of my cousins who I haven't seen in a while. My sickness subsided significantly. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to hook up with some of my friends as my time there was limited. Sorry guys!

Let me tell you that the hotel was jaw-dropping. It looked like a trading spaces bomb was dropped. We stayed that the "W | Suites" in Newark. It's the modern set of Westin hotels. I could go on and on about how cool the place was, but I guess you just have to see it to believe it.

I had fun at the party and got to spend some "fun time" with the cousins afterwards. I also have a really funny story concerning a cute guy at In and Out and my cousin Ding, and Ate Joy. hahaha. I guess I'll save that for later...kindly remind me won't you?

Speaking of cousins, I know now that if you cared enough to even say hi to me, you would have. I certainly hope you didn't think I was going to come up to you. I tried already and I don't have to go more than halfway anymore. I guess it's really time for me to move on to bigger things, now that I got my final answer. I don't loathe you in any way, but I guess this is the way it has to be.

Well, I just blogged for the sake of blogging. blah... now i have to get my shit done.

You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceiling
And ooh wee it’s the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Sugar how you get so fly?

Off to Nor Cal I go.

So the "ace" came in and I'm hoping I make the most of it. Speaking of aces, this book is so good! I'm actually halfway done! I don't even read! hahaha. I haven't had a chance to put it down and I admit that I read it more than I read my school books. Wow. That's bad.

Anyway, I feel a lot better today. For the past few days, I've been under the weather. I don't know what the problem is persay, but I know I'm sick.

I never realized how jam-packed my october is. Tonight, I need to get ready to leave for Nor Cal, but you know what I'm doing? I'm playing poker tonight. hahaha. Guess what I'm doing after that. I'm going to take my friends to LAX also. haha. Guess what I'm doing right after that? I'm gonna visit beb on his campus for the day since I'm leaving for Frisco at 4 am. Yummie. Let's hope that I can hang today. I'm still getting over this mystery illness. heh.

Here are more highlights for my October:
- going to Vegas
- Knotts Scary Farm
- Our 2 month =)
- more to come?

I think I'm used to the fact that he's away for college. The fact that he's having a great time puts me at ease. I'm okay with the fact that we have broken online conversations here and there. I'm okay with the fact that he doesn't have to call me everyday. He's adjusting...so am I. I want him to enjoy his newfound freedom and experiences. If I were to smother him, I'd hinder his growth as an independant person. I admit, I still lose sleep thinking about him...but that's just normal. There isn't a day that passes where I don't think about him. Besides, if I can't sleep, I just read this and it gets my mind off things and lulls me to sleep. You heard it here first...I'm reading for pleasure.

I have something good on the way and I have an ace up my sleeve for him. heh heh. I hope I can get it done ASAP.

I'm begninning to think that my heath is fading. I've been having these headaches for 3 days straight, and this morning, my body was ready to malfunction on me. I still don't feel good. To make things worse, both of my parents are home right now and buggin the crap outta me. UGH.

In other news, my search for a job seems hopeless. I have all of these applications out and none of them are hiring. Everyone keeps saying, oh, just wait for a month. FUCK YOU! I can't afford to wait anymore. It sucks that I have all this experience under my belt and I can't get a crappy job.

I have a headache. Ugh. Go away...

hatchi matchi! sorry i watched the last episode... I didn't watch the series.

hahahaha.

but whoa.