I woke up early this morning totally wide eyed and happy. The sun was bright and the air was clear this morning. All I could think about was my lolo...I was thinking maybe he might have had some part in this. Maybe it was about time we left the house and smiled for once. I trust that God is taking care of him now. I trust that God gave me the strength to get my spirits up this morning. There's no sense in being sad today. The sun is out and the family is coping as best we can. Lolo wouldn't want us to suffer...It was his time. All I know is that it's going to be REALLY hard to see him at the viewing. But, I'll make it through today. I know I will.

God doesn't create evil...

I'm okay for now. I know that I won't be so "okay" come the first weekend of March.

For now, I'm content. I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers.

It's times like these where my friends go beyond the call of duty. Just being surrounded by my friends and family eases the burden. Just knowing that they care enough about me to help carry my cross gives me a reason to love. Sometimes I wonder what makes me so deserving of such a strong support structure. Sometimes I wonder why I never recognized the faith my friends have in me. I never thought that I would EVER be this lucky to have people who care about my well-being. When I was down, my loved ones did not pick me up. They carried me. I know now that I'm NEVER alone.

I'm fine for now. I can smile...for now.

Ironically, today is also my Lola's birthday so we went out to eat.

After having lunch with them, I feel a lot better. Just spending some time with the family reassured me. I'll be fine for now. I just need to be surrounded by love. Don't tell me I take things well, I don't know that yet.

Life will be pretty hard for a while...so be patient with me.

Just when I thought things were getting better. His condition got worse. My lolo died this morning. That's all I know. I don't know the details. It took us all by surprise. I haven't spoken a word since my mom told me. No one in the house is talking this morning. It's obvious why.

I've never had anyone close to me die before. I'm a complete mess.

I love you lolo. Thank you. Rest in peace Abner Kaiklian...

I had a great time with some good friends tonight. Tonight was the perfect way to end my crappy streak.

I hung out a little bit, but I wanted to go out. Vegetating at my house is just as good. My philosophy is that it's better to be bored with other people than to be bored by yourself. Actually, I ended up going out too. I watched a movie. Old School is not a smart movie but made me laugh so hard!

Life is great again. You heard it here first...I'm happy. After a little mess, everything is up and running.

Time to sleep. I love my bed. Bed provides sleep. Sleep is good. Good is life.

You get the idea...

Ain't that a kick in the head?!

I'm back online because I just found out that my drama class was cancelled. If I had known that BEFORE I would have been able to go to my BIO class. DAMMIT. Oh well, my partner and I are going to rehearse tomorrow for 3 hours rather than practicing now...its raining and she has to get home.

Oh and guess where I'm going?!?! If enough of you ask me nicely, maybe I'll tell you. *smiles*

R-O-L-A-I-D-S...

That's right...pure relief. Now that I have that exam done. All I have to worry about is my presentation for drama class. heh. Here goes...I promise things will be better now. Well...5 more hours of school to go. BLAH.

I just finished reading ALL of my links. How productive. meh.

If I didn't forget my Art History stuff, I wouldn't be stuck in the collaboratory with nothing to do. I'm waiting for my partner for drama and all the while I COULD be going home and studying for my art history exam. Whatever...I'm just going to have to play this by ear.

I thought that I was happy last night. I woke up to face my reality and remembered that I still have a lot of shit to take care of. Now that I know that Jay and I are on the same page, I know there's one less thing to worry about.

Tomorrow will be a really long day for me. I can feel it. I have to finish the presentation for drama and study for my art history exam. I gave myself some tasks that I believe should get my mind back on track. I'm ready to tackle tomorrow. At this point, I don't care what the outcome is...as long as I get through it.

My heart is still heavy, but I now know that I'm not the only one who is carrying it. Thank you to everyone who has expressed their concern. I also GREATLY appreciate everyone who didn't ask questions. All I needed was support...not unsolicited advice. That's precisely what I got. I also apologize for not being the best person in the world. I just need time...I just need patience.

I guess this was the push I needed to improve myself. Someone keeps telling me I'm so perfect...so ideal. I wish I could agree with them. I don't know what they see...but I'm going to improve for myself...for the sake of the people around me.

I promise I'll be a better person in a couple of days. That's all the space I need right now.

Continue the prayers...they're working.

I am a support.
I am supported.
I am loving to others.
I am able to love myself.
I am a leader
I am humble enough to follow.

I will try my best to be a friend to those who deserve my time.
I will try my best to not hurt my friends, especially when they are in need.
I will try my best to be patient with others and especially with myself.
I will try my best to study hard and set an example to others.
I will try my best to be a leader in church, to myself, and to my students.
I will try my best to accept the things I cannot change...

It's nice to know that I'm on the same page with my little buddy now. Honesty is hard to give as it is to receive sometimes. Now that that's taken care of, I can continue to find the other problems that's weighing me down.

One day at a time...

God, please help me out...

We all carry our own crosses...

A friend of mine asked me to forget about him. How could I? Why would I? I can understand that you don't want help...you don't need it. But never ask me to forget about you. People ask so much from me and that's one of the few things I'll never do.

You don't need to talk to me if you don't think it's necessary but don't leave me like this. I care about the well-being of so many people. It's killing me that one of my good friends is suffering. Why shouldn't it bother me? Why should I just leave it alone? If you can't handle me worrying about you, then don't turn around...I'm right behind you. I'll always support you. I trust you with my life. Do you trust me with yours?

I understand that you need time to sort things out. I do too. What makes you think that you should be the last person I should worry about? I know I have my own shit to deal with but that doesnt mean that I should ONLY look out for myself. I know that I can be a pompous bastard sometimes but I'm not THAT selfish.

I'll pray for you. That's all you seem to allow me to do. Maybe you don't know me well enough to know that I really take care of my friends.

TRUST = FAITH = STRENGTH

My mom just handed me a salad. I love my mom. =)

After a long drive and a wild TDB installs party, I'm a bit happier. Now that I'm home I think I'm ready to take care of my shit one piece at a time. First, I know there's someone I really need to talk to. I know that something is hurting him and I need to help him out...even though I'm in a rut myself. I'm sure I'll feel much better after that. I have so many doubts but I'm willing to trust myself and God. "Let go and let God" You and I always say...

One day at a time...

Step by Step...

Pray for me...that's all I'm asking for. That's all the help I need right now.

I reflected on my life for the past month or two and I'm not where I want to be.

I'm not sure what it is lately. I'm in this weird position where im not aware of myself and what my goals are. I need to sort out my life. I need to relax a little. I think I hurt someone last night and the fact that there are some issues in the family right now isn't really helping either. I had a dream last night...a dream that meant something...I don't know whether it was good or bad. I feel like I fucked up somewhere and I just need to get my life in order. I want to be motivated for school. I'm sick and tired of feeling like the dumbass in the class. I hate this feeling. I hate not knowing where I am. I've been feeling like that lately. I mean I don't care if I'm out of the loop, but there are a lot of things that I'm not too sure about anymore. I need to find my answers...I need to feel whole again. I just feel totally fucked up. I don't need people asking what's wrong, either. I'll ask for help when I need it. I'm not so proud that I don't ask for help. Just give me time to deal with it and I'll get back to you.

Doubt leads to fear and I'm pretty scared right now.

I've been meaning to add you and you for a while now. haha. It's about time I did. I'm going to sleep.

Mark not be is intelligent tonight. ZzZzzzZZzZZzzzz.....

I just heard an ice cream truck. There's a cold front coming and we're in the middle of that el nino thing. What's going on here?

I can't sleep...you're on my mind. I'm not sure what triggered this whole chain of thought but it's about time I let it out...

It's funny how much I've missed. I realize that I haven't really been talking to Daphne online lately. It's not that I don't want to talk to her. It's more like I NEED to talk to her. Call me selfish, but I don't want to talk to her online. I don't want to talk to her on the phone. I want to see her...go out with her...talk to her in person. That's what I need. Our one-on-one talks usually gets me on track. That's what I miss. Sure, I'm happy...but incomplete. That's what I want. A long conversation with her over food, coffee, boba...ANYTHING. I needed that before going back to school. I needed that before a lot of things. There is so much that I want to tell her...so many jokes to tell her...but not online or on the phone. Just in person; me and her. No one else...in our own little world. That's what I want need.

She lives over 400 miles away but I feel that our hearts and minds connect. It kills me to have this feeling inside. If I had the time & money I'd fly there and dissapear from my own life just to spend time with her.

I'm listening to this CD I made for someone and for some reason it got the brain going. I popped into her site and read...

people i miss.....
cyrille kaiklian, mark kaiklian, aiyah uy, rachel-lin-sheena vinluan and their bfs, mj belvis, donna ponferrada, juan angeles, rome atendido [rome dada], joe flores, pervis, oliver plant, tj, dexter aballa, archie, alvin, curtis alumno, renato herrera and melanie proctor [yeah i know..so close ...i feel guilty], rochelle, rodney helgado, rich and aloe [all the folks in 3rd year nursing or something like that], paul talosig, pamela madayag, sydeny leanne borja [i just saw her a week ago but still she's my goddaughter], jerel motos, ciara de los reyes, jay de los reyes, ryan casquite [the folks i only see every couple years at my mom's reunions], and i had to save the best for last....shaun tai.

Well, ate...I miss you. More than ever. More than you can possibly comprehend. The only way to change it is to see you again. It sucks that one of God's most special gifts to me isn't within arm's reach. I love you ate! I'll plan a weekend to escape...I promise.

I need it.

We need it.

This horny holiday kicks major butt!

Work was tough but I made great tips tonight!

I'm tired now. ZZzzZzZZZZzZzz....

Like Jodee, I've been on the go lately. Unlike Jodee, I've been doing what I've been wanting to do. heh. I've been spending time with myself and the people I care about. I was having a rough week and felt that I had to put school in the backburner...I know that's not a good idea, but I folks...life was stepping on me and I decided to just let it go. However, next week I'll be well prepared for school. Promise.

I've been out and about with good friends. I'm even almost done cleaning my room. I know. I know. I'm a big bad rubber piggy. Since I've been out, I haven't been maintaining my cleanliness. Boo on me.

My brother's and Lei's baby shower is on Sunday. I still can't believe I'm gonna be a ninong (godfather)! I'm so excited...but I'm sure you caught on by now. Yet again, this house will be filled with family. I love it.

I know this entry was kinda jumbled up with different things but I had a lot of other things in mind but I haven't had the time to really just sit and write. heh.

Until next time kiddies...

click this for my cousin...you dont have to do anything...just close it after it loads. I have no idea why he needs it.

Leave it to my brother to say something snappy to make me feel better. hahaha. =)

off to class I go...

Great...I just burned my breakfast and the yolks of my eggs broke.

I am NOT having a good morning. You know how there's so many little things that are just pissing me off...even blogger is getting on my nerves. I had a good night too. The day barely started and I want to just go to bed and sleep.

It's raining and I have to get ready for school. If I was off, I'd like the rain but it's just adding to my pissy mood.

It's official. I've decided to change this layout. I dunno when I'll finish it...Shit, I don't know when I'm going to start it. heh.

On that note, should I even leave these comments on? No one seems to use em.

Just came home from a long day. ANNNNWAY...

CONGRATS TO MARVIE AND THE HOLY FAMILY GAELS!

I am SO proud of the drill squad! We won first place with my choreography! Whoo hoo! I can't believe we beat out the stupid Dance House! They were literally pros. HA! Those girls worked so hard to win that first place trophy. They deserve it!

I'm so proud of you guys! We burned the dance house DOOOOOOOOOOOWN...

For the past 2 weeks, communication has been a big word. I've been telling people to communicate in their relationships, with themselves, and with God. It can be pretty difficult to communicate with others especially when there's some tension. I discovered that you can't fix a problem between 2 parties unless they figure out whats wrong. Once they do that...then they can fix it. It's normal to be scared when you talk to someone about "the problem." You are never alone...there are others who are suffering too, and its more than likely someone is going through the exact same thing. What the hell makes you so damn special to be the only one with a problem?

I want to share some knowledge that I received from my co-worker.

If you're ever feeling off center remember this: HALT

halt...stop and think.
H - Hungry? Are you hungry? Eat something healthy and enjoy it.

A - Angry? Are you Angry? Do you need to talk to someone? If you can't find someone to talk to then sublimate your aggression through a reasonable physical activity. You can even organize your thoughts by meditating or writing.

L - Lonely? Are you lonely? Spend some quality time with friends and/or family. It also might be a good idea to call up that friend you haven't seen in a while

T - Tired? Are you tired? Get a good night's rest. Take a nap. Relax and take some time for yourself.

To a loved family member:
Remember if the weight of the world is crushing you...don't be afraid to ask for my help. Everyone helps others all the time...but when we need help ourselves, we should be humble enough to accept it. Sometimes we need the door opened for us too.

I just got to campus. I missed my first class. BAH! That's what I get for oversleeping. I forgot to set my alarm after my last phone call last night. OOPS! Oh well. I can just steal someone's notes. heh.I'm not really having a good morning...

::::::::::::::::::::

I feel so naked without my cell phone. Of all days, I needed it too. heh. I'm supposed to meet someone for a late lunch later and I don't have my cell phone with me. Once again...that was really SMOOTH, Mark.

::::::::::::::::::::

I WANT THIS DAY TO END ALREADY!

Time to change this layout huh?

Am I the only one sick of this layout? haha. I mean the sex-appeal (rather, lack-there-of) caused a response...I'll keep the appeal, since some people seem to like it. heh. I'll think of a nice and eye-popping layout. hahaha. But I want to change it again. I want to make it dark and I want to spend a lot of time getting my new vision up. haha.

I wanted to see what this game was all about. Thanks to my bro, I'm going to be a video game junkie again. Once a junkie, always a junkie. WHOO HOO! I'm gonna give that PS2 a workout.

Fuck. I posted this long entry and I pressed "blogger" instead.

Good one, Mark. REAL smooth.

What a bitch. I went to Burger King and ordered my usual. I asked for 2 Sweet/Sour and 1 Ranch pakcets. "I'll give you one of each, they're only for chicken tenders."

Fuck you! I always get that ONE extra. I was pissed. I am NEVER placing an order with her. Damn, now I can't enjoy the whole snadwich anymore. Screw you cheap ass manager. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

One more class to go. BLAH. I hate math. Anyway, my drama instructor told me that I had a great stage presence and clear theater voice. Could this be another hidden interest that Mark has? Hmmm. That'd be cool. Think about it...I can sing, dance....so what if I can act?! I'd be a triple threat whoo hoo!

Shit, I gotta get to class soon but I wanted to blog real quick for those who will be home before I am. HA.

Oh, and Jodee...all bad boys have to pray...hahahahaha.

Say hello to my new links: Jodinand, Keegan, Mary, & Maryanne. I love how they make me feel so inadequate. I'm kidding. No I'm not. Maybe I should take some more time designing my page. haha. Anyway, they have impressed me somehow and I felt compelled to check in on them once in a while.

I have almost 40 links...someone PLEASE pay attention to me.

Selley: i have a pile of laundry thats like 3 weeks old!
Selley: ugh
me: hahaha mine was that old too!
me: LOL
Selley: haha
Selley: we're still the same mark
me: totally!

It's nice to know that even though we're apart, we're still on the same wavelength.

It bothers me to see some people traveling down their downward spiral, and they have no idea they're headed rock bottom. What's even worse is when they finally do hit rock bottom...they don't seek the help they need.

Some people just don't get it...

A good friend of mine called me on it.

I totally don't talk about my brother on my blog. There's no good reason that I don't. Just because I don't talk about him doesn't mean that I don't love him. Although we don't see each other often, I'd like to say that we're close. So to my friend who was wondering if I'm close to my brother...yes, I am. There! I mentioned my somewhat identical twin brother from the SAME mother, Simon. He's the coolest (and only...haha) brother. For those who didn't know that...you're not alone. My co-workers STILL don't believe that I have a twin. I've been working at the same place for over 2 years. Yeah, I know...they're so lame. heh.

You gotta admit, it's pretty cool that there's a similar me running around somewhere...and NO I can't sleep at all.

bah.

Ian, I don't think I could have said it any better...

if u see someone acting too seriously and u're either intimidated, impressed, or feeling low because of it, imagine that person taking the hardest crap imaginable. i mean, everyone HAS to sit on the throne sometime. and if not, then that's even funnier to think about. but imagine the sounds, feelings, and facial expressions of that person as he or she struggles to eject their dumplings. woooo-weeeee.. who's cool now?


i'm not trying to be immature about this. (well, a little bit.) but what better way to realize that everyone is no better than any other person? reduce every single human being to a single common denominator through which they all are most vulnerable and most FUGLY. who's "cool" now? from Brad Pitt to Kristin Kreuk to 2pac to Justin Timberlake to Ryan Philippe to ur best friend to ur mentor to ur long-time crush... they've all had that crap of all craps that just doesn't seem to come out...

so the point is.. be yourself. laugh at yourself once in a while.

Put that under yout pillow and sleep on it!

It's funny how that I've been at a loss of words lately. I suppose my life isn't so interesting right now. heh.