Just when I thought my work wasn't going to cut it, I found out my professor (who isn't really fond of me to start with) posted my work.





Honestly, I'm still not sure how that happened, but that makes 2 magazine spreads that have been displayed.

In other news, I've just been so preoccupied by recent events. I'm still pretty melancholy about everything, but I'm just trying to get by. There are a few other things that I should take care of before my 8 week vacation starts.

This isn't the way I wanted to end 2005. It started off so well, but now there are facets of me that are falling apart. But in the end, I'm a stronger person. I want to make things right...FOR ME.

Thanks Nate. What you did today meant a lot to me. =)

It's official. Arnell and I started Christmas shopping, and we started with my mom. I hope she likes it.

That reminds me, I need to start my WISH LIST and I have to make my list and, this year, I'm really checking it twice...maybe even three times. ha.

In other news, we're waiting for the viewing and funeral arrangements. Yeah, I think I'm okay for now.

I Wish It Was Fiction

Two weeks ago, I was at work. I thought I saw him while I was on my 30 minute break. When I got home, I messaged him on MySpace and asked if it was him. It was. He said that he was looking for me but he didn't see me. I'm assuming he didn't ask for me. I called him a dumbass for not asking if I was there. He left me a comment on MySpace saying that I don't call him anymore...and I told him that he doesn't call either. But, we both agreed that we had to hang out soon. I wish I had just gone up to the guy who I thought was him. It's sad that I was the last comment on his profile before everything happened.

I was in Vegas when it all happened. I had no idea. It's weird that I was planning on calling him to hang out sometime that next week. No one saw it coming. No one expected it to happen to him.

I was in Laguna Beach when he moved on. I had no idea until I left the dinner party. I had no idea that my life was going to change. Esthela texted me with an urgent message. "Have you heard?" "Yeah." I responded. Arnell glanced and noticed my lifeless eyes glaring at him. "I got the message from someone but I had no idea that it was like that." Esthela hesitated, "He was declared braindead today. It's not looking good."

I stopped breathing. I stopped moving.

Arnell asked me what was wrong. "I didn't tell you, but Oscar is in the hospital and he's in a coma. Esthela just told me that he's been legally declared braindead."

That was the weirdest drive to my brother's house. I cried while Arnell held my hand tight. I couldn't tell my brother. I guess I was still in denial about it.

Today, I called the hospital for visiting hours. The receptionist had told me that he was no longer registered. I knew what that meant. I wish I had the chance to see him one last time.

He was 18 years old. In fact, he turned 18 just under 2 months ago. He was my friend from Pac Sun and we were the best team to work when it was the two of us. I wasn't close to any other of the guys at the store...just him. I remember our talks about everything. He was so open minded and opinionated. I remember our "throw downs" and our dance battles...and our impromptu Tagalog lessons.

I guess life isn't meant to be fair. Why didn't the idiot who rear ended him at 85 miles per hour at least get injured? He fled the scene and hasn't been found yet. No. I guess life isn't meant to be fair at all.

It was his time to go. It was his turn to complete his cycle. None of us wanted him to go. He didn't deserve to die this way. No one does.

Oscar Torres
October 4, 1987 - November 24, 2005


A beloved son, brother, friend, and companion...

Thank you for everything. I love you. I'll never forget you.

Rest in peace.

--------------------

I learned that friendships, both broken and strong are important. My experiences with others only mold who I am. I cannot deny the mistakes I have made nor should I glamourize the triumphs I have achieved. I am who I am. One person always makes a difference. Oscar was proof of that.

I am motivated to repair the ties I had cut and strengthen those who are already close to me. I learned that real friends do not come and go. They were always there to begin with. I lost a friend and I lost the opportunity to be a better friend. In a way I feel like I took him for granted.

Life really is an interesting concept. We live for nothing else but to die. We live for OURSELVES and no one else. Life is what we make of it...

... and life is what we take from it.

Thanks Be To Gay

It's nice to have a close circle of downe friends who are around my age. Last night we were all together to have a nice dinner together. I'm grateful to have friends like these guys here. I truly feel like family.





I can't wait until Christmas.

Things are really different here in Nevada. Arnell parked the 4Runner in front of our friend's house which would also happen to be in front of the neighbor's door. It's a long enough for two cars. So while he was in the shower, some random fat old white guy rings the doorbell numerous times. My friends were asleep. So I answered the door and one of the kids followed me. "Excuse me, is your mom or dad home? I need you to move this truck. I'd like to park in front of my own house please." I thought to myself, "Your ass is lucky there are kids here and I'm a guest. Otherwise I would have punked your ass over something stupid like that." I rolled my eyes and got the keys to move the car.

It's been over 15 minutes and they guy didn't move his car. He didn't even say thank you when I walked passed him.

What the fuck is wrong with these old ass retarded retired white guys? If he did that in LA he would have been cussed at...at the least. He couldnt walk an extra 5 feet to get to his door.

FUCKING RETARD. ugh.

What's the Sitch?

Kickin' It With Kim Marathon: 5 hours of Kim Possible...BOOYAH!

Today is officially the perfect day to clean.

Yeah, I'm a closeted KP fan.

Jet Setting Practice

Ho - ly CRAP.

I just realized that I'm going to New York for spring break.

I also just realized we're going to see this too.

More details to come.

I CAN'T WAIT. Oh, I'm leaving for Vegas this weekend too. Booyah!

Freedumb of Speech

A student blantantly disrespected a friend of mine today. It's one thing to say something to be humorous, but it's not acceptable to offend and disrespect someone. I brought it up at the meeting and one of my own leaders tried to defend his actions. He said, "What ever happened to freedom of speech? He's just a kid, what do you expect from him?" I turned and said, "First of all, the freedom of speech doesn't give you the right to impede someone else's rights. Secondly, the fact that he's younger doesn't excuse his actions. He's 16 years old. He's old enough to KNOW what's right and wrong."

"Don't get me started on rights..." He said.

"Don't talk to me about rights. I'm not allowed to get married." There was an awkward silence and that was the end of that.

I was pretty ticked to hear that from one of my own leaders. I know I shouldn't have gone and played the personal card, but I was making a point. That's freedom of speech...I didn't disrespect my team member. I expressed my feelings without trying to disrespect others.

I'm underwhelmed by my leadership team. I feel like they've lost their fervor. I have groups without leaders. I have leaders who just don't seem like they're interested in their responsibilities. Even some of the students have expressed their concerns about the decline of morale.

Sometimes, I'm not sure about what to do to keep myself motivated. There are times where I just want to sleep for hours on end and not have to deal with anyone or anything. Obviously, that's not the way to go.

I guess I'll take the high road.

The weekend is within arm's reach. Vegas...I can already smell it.

Okay, so no one wanted to comment so I could link them. Great. Why do I have comments again?

I was reading your blog again and I realized something. I realized that it's been almost 10 years since we met the first time. No. I lied. I realized it at Denny's when she and I randomly ran out of the house.

Anyway, she was with me since I started writing in this thing about 5 years ago. I've gone from blogspot, to an actual domain, back to blogspot...and she's still being written about. Our issues back then were so different. We've matured in so many ways, but we also stayed immature in the good ways too. I remembered how we'd talk for hours on the phone and how we'd page each other...That's right. I'm talking about a pager.

Friends don't come and go; real friends stay. I suppose I really need to fix some broken ties. I'll admit, there are a few people that I want to reconnect with. Fault doesn't matter to me anymore...but I guess once my life slows down, I'll make more of an effort.

There's a particular friend that I know I should try harder. I've been working on so much and fixing myself trying to obtain my spirituality again. Yeah, I'm scared to initiate things, but if I cared enough about this person, I really owe it to him/her to make things right, but it's a two way street...

Human nature doesn't really seem natural at all, does it? In any case, I need to be a human DOING rather than a human BEING.

I think I need a haircut. yikes.

There are quite a few people who I need to link. You guys know who you are. Leave a comment and I'll be sure to add it on my list.

The weekend is coming up. Yikes...and not a single plan was made. Great. I think I'm headed for homework land.

Hmmm...

I should look more into this.

Oh...just in case you crave a McFlurry this weekend:

TEXT THE WORD MCFLURRY TO 73260 AND REPLY "YES" TO THE NEXT MESSAGE.

Try me bitches. It's good until the 14th.

I noticed that I have friends who come from all walks of life. Each one offers a different point of view and opinion. Today, there were 3 different sides of me that I got to get in tuned with.

The first was my lovely gay side. I got to see two great friends whom I haven't seen in for a while. Mark (cow) and maw maw John came by after their visit to Pasadena. I was glad to catch the voicemail before it was too late. I miss those guys. I'm so happy that we're all still close.

The second side overlapped. My bestest friend in the world, Aileen, IMed me wondering if I was available. I was glad that we were able to hook up today. We've known each other since that fated morning during my freshman year when we made fun of a mutual friend at the time. I still remember how outspoken he was yet he couldn't speak in front of a classroom. ha. Fortunately, high school was good for something...making a best friend.

So John, Mark, RnL, Aiyah, my sister, and I went out and spent a couple hours just hanging out. It was nice to hang out with those guys OUTSIDE of the club scene.

After the Gal, we went back since the boys had to get home. The rest of us went out to Ruen Pair to have some eats. This is where the third side comes out. Jay-R that motherfucker was having some eats too. We decided to share a table and we all shared great conversations over some Thai. Jay-R is a friend of mine that I met at one of my myriad of church duties. We became friends since we would work with each other a lot.

My friends are awesome. I have many facets to me and there are different people who fit me in different ways. It was nice to see all of them interact together.

I'm weird. I know...but at least I have some good friends from all of it....

Fifteen months ago, I met someone who started to love me without fail. Beb, I love you with all my heart. I'm glad we managed to get through these rough times together.

Run, running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me, I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most

And I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up, let's keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Be, be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me

Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

Running, running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get separated

Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get seperated

The future...

Running, running, as fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get seperated

Running as fast as we can
I really hope we make it
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running, running, keep holding my hand
So we don't get seperated...

The changes that you've made changed me into a better person. You make me happy. You make me whole. You remind me that I'm more than I really am. I appreciate everything you have done for me...even when I didn't deserve it.

So many people noticed that I've so been much happier nowadays. I think it's because I fell in love all over again.

This rain isn't putting me in the best of moods.

Anyway, I managed to get a new layout up. This is what happens when you get bored and you feel compelled for some change. Web isn't my strongest creative medium, but I wanted something different. Should I even keep the comments? Does anyone even read this shit?

meh...

In any case, I'm going to Disneyland with Esthela tomorrow before work. haha. Wheee!

Now that I have this blog fixed. I think there's something else that needs my attention...when the time is right I suppose.

I guess it's just one of those days...

After Arnell left for work I decided to take a quick shower and head for school. I would have been on time if I remembered where my keys were. I looked high and low. I went through all of the pants that was in the laundry. I went through all of my bags. I checked the rest of the house and I eventually gave up.

I tried to backtrack my actions. I had remembered that the last place I went to was Costco with Arnell. I wasn't sure if I had the keys then. I just checked my phone and I got a text from Arnell. He said that the keys were with him. I actually put my keys in his glove compartment and totally forgot about it.

I'm home. I was just so steamed that I stayed home. I have work later and so he's going to drop my keys off when he gets home from work. I'm gonna have to use the spare key. My dad's not going to like it one bit.

I am NOT in a good mood.

Michael Copon is so cute. He just finished singing "American Woman" and popped open his shirt. *sigh*

haha. I'm going to vote for him on "But Can They Sing?"

Hotness...

Happy 14th Birthday sister of mine...

I know I torture you, but all loving brothers do! haha.

I love you. I really do.

I'll write more later. Time to food at Cheesecake Factory!

(My sleeping pattern is NOT working out for me!)

I'm about to type up a lot of shit that I don't want to put up. I guess I need an outlet for myself and I'm about to put myself out on a limb. I think I'm going to shock some...while offending others.

There are some people that I'd really like to remain friends with. There are others where I'm glad that I have cut them out of my life.

Being a friend and having a friend are two completely different ideas. Being a friend means that one would have to work to keep a connection alive. There is a certain line that cannot be crossed under certain circumstances. Having a friend can mean that you consider someone a friend, YET can only be at the lowest extent of the word. I have friends who don't call me. I have friends who forget that I'm alive. Granted that I don't always take the time to contact them...it's a two way street.

I have a friend whom I miss, yet want to keep a certain distance from right now. Lines were crossed. Feelings were hurt. I hate the fact that the line between friendship and "more than friendship" was totally blurred. Naturally I'm also at fault. Some might have called it cheating. I was totally confused; contradiction after contradiction... Yeah, I liked the attention...but in the end, I felt a little burned. Either way, I hurt a lot of people, but I set myself up for a whole world of hurt and denial.

I put so much at stake for something that would most likely never happen. Being in the middle isn't a new thing for me, but I hate being there. This time, the mistake was all me. I'm the one who made a certain choice. I'm the one who chose to act irrationally and was in denial about it.

A friend told me that I needed someone to tell me what I didn't want to hear. He told me that if I were to fight with myself, I'll always win. I didn't have an outside perspective to allow me to weigh out my options.

I have friends who can get whatever they want...when they want it. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. If I want something, I work hard...and a lot of the time, I end up not getting it. At one point someone else wanted me, lead me somewhere, had me, and tossed me aside. That's how I feel. I feel like I got burned by the fire I chose to play with. I was told over and over again NOT to play with fire...yet I was still willing to risk my well-being.

I'm at a crossroads. I want to talk with this friend, but I'm not sure how to do it. We left so many things unsaid. A part of me wants to work things out...and another part of me isn't sure if it'll be okay. I'm really sensitive to certain things right now. I have a mindset that I've developed.

I've grown out of a phase. Now, that I'm standing up...I want peace of mind. I want my ties with people to remain. Most of all, I want my happiness. After all is said and done, it would be unfair for me to cut someone out of my life if they were willing to be friends...

People are entitled to make mistakes. People have the choice to forgive and be forgiven. There is no right or wrong. There are only actions and results of actions. Life is how we interpret it.

I know that it's going to take a lot of time before normalcy happens. I know that I fucked things up...but I'm ready to man up to everything.

Balance.

I think that was the word I was trying to look for...

So we had our semi comp crit for the shoe catalog today. We're at the halfway point with the project. Unfortunately, I was one of the last ones that he looked at..so I was just dying. I was so nervous after he would bitch about everyone else's work. Mind you, there were some REALLY good pieces and that just added to my intimidation.

I didn't have much time to change direction, but I had to. He hated the sophisticated look, EVEN THOUGH HE'S THE ONE WHO LIKED THAT IDEA WHEN I TURNED IN MY SKETCHES. blah. Anyway, I was inspired by Urban Outfitters - circa 1997. I'm not gonna post the project yet, but I'm happy with it. The prof said that the idea was working really well and he only had a few minor adjustments with text and certain logo placements.

I thought that I was gonna get it. haha...but I guess it turned out okay. =)

______________________

I also learned another thing last night upon talking to the hubby. Well, I didn't learn it, I suppose I just confirmed what I always knew.

That's a whole other blog. Let's not kill the mood. Mark is happy with Publication Design class. We need to keep it that way. ha.

I know I keep posting...haha.

SOMEONE BUY ME THIS!

Okay. That's it. Goodnight.

you know who you are...
_________________________________________
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure... Measure A Year?
In Daylights?
In Sunsets?
In Midnights?
In Cups Of Coffee?
In Inches?
In Miles?
In Laughter?
In Strife?

In, Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life?

How About Love?
_________________________________________

it's been over a year...each minute is every lesson learned. ups and downs, we've had them all...and then some.

today, i realized that sometimes i'm not the best person to spend your time with...but you do it anyway.

I've always found that 15 is a lucky number for me... and in 9 days we'll hit that number.

On November 10th, i will spend my 657000th minute with you...