Justin...I lied. I didn't go back to sleep.

I read what you said and thats something that I needed to be reminded of. I guess I thought that this time wasn't gonna be a fluke. I thought this time I had a chance. I thought this time would be different.

I just hate the fact that there's always a guy in my scope. I just kept on looking around and I found trouble over and over again. When I decide to stop looking, trouble seems to find me. Why can't I just leave well enough alone? It's like not knowing when to quit when you keep losing. I remember how easy things were when I wasn't interested in anyone. I wasn't getting hurt. Now I feel like I go through guys like popcorn. Then again I've been lead one a few too many times before...you'd think that maybe I'd finally learn a thing or two. He wasn't the final straw. I was. I'm the one who brought this on myself. Tonight was the last stop. I'm cutting myself off completely for a while.

Another thing that's been bugging me is that I feel like I've been neglecting a lot of my friends and even God. I guess I haven't been able to get to church and choir now that I'm working so much. I miss going to mass and singing. I really want to have Sundays off now. Church gives me balance and keeps me grounded. "If you feel like you're far away from God...guess who moved."

Justin...you're right. I'll get over it. I always do.

So fuck it. I'm not willing to put myself through anything for a while. I'm tired of the guessing games. I'm done with the mushy feely crap. I'm not bitter towards this last guy...Why should I be? What good would that do?

I feel like there's something fatally wrong with me. I need time to reassess what I'm all about. Finding isn't working. Being found doesn't work either...so taking myself out of this whole game just might be the right thing to do. I feel so pathetic when I deal with relationships. Rather the accumulation of one...I've only had one relationship. People are telling me over and over again that I'm not ready. I'm beginning to think they're right. I guess I'm not...if ever.

There are 5 guys that I love so much... I think I owe it to them to not have any strings attached for a change. I forget how lucky I am to have those guys supporting me and putting up with me. Relationships are not the center of the world. I'm the center and I think I lost track of that for a while.

I won't find him.

He won't find me.

We're just gonna bump into each other one day.

You find faith in places you forget to look. Thanks Justin.