The mere thought of playing as an ERHS volleyball alumnus stabbed me in the face with fear. Seasoned players, enthusiasts and current ERHS players surrounded me. “Why did I even come here?” was the recurring question that violently wrapped inside. I assured myself that the promise I had made to a handful of great friends who begged me to go was the only thing keeping me from running hysterically out of the gymnasium. Mind you, I’ve NEVER been to a game since I left 11 years ago, let alone show up to an alumni day.

I was first asked to play in the Alumni vs. Varsity game. Long story short, after sitting out for most of the game, the coach asked me to play back row. I honestly didn’t remember how to move around the court or any of the rotations. After 2 horribly shanked passes later, I convinced myself that I had no business being on the court. I mustered a fake grin when the other players ribbed me for a job badly done. I understood that it was all in good fun, but I quietly held in my humiliation.

I wanted to get it over with.

The next game, I was asked to play in an all-alumni game. Feigning enthusiasm, I joined so I didn’t look like a poor sport. I had no idea what position I would play. How would I know if I’ve never really played organized volleyball in years? I was asked to play opposite back row. I wouldn’t even serve throughout the game. “Fuck. I’m only back here since I’m the most useless person on the court. They just need a sixth.” I asked the other players to direct me on what ground to cover and they reminded me that I was a D set. There wasn’t a prayer in heaven or hell that would make me call for a D set.

Familiar faces were watching, so I had to play as best as I could.

I felt like it was high school all over again. I would sit on the bench with whatever injury I had and just watch. I was on the team, but I was that misfit all over again. Everyone else on the team was talking to each other and I was just “that guy who showed up so we should let him play.” I accepted my impending doom and played. I played my heart out.

Fast-forward to a battered me, leaving the event with a huge smile on my face. My wrists are icing up as I reflect on what I learned today. However, the high I feel trumps the physical pain.

I got over myself and looked at the experience with a fresh eye.

Though I stood under my cloud of uncertainty, the encouragement I received made me feel like I was part of something bigger, something important. I was able to make a few plays, which made me hungrier. The high fives and laughs made me actually feel like I gelled with the rest of the players. Just hearing, “Good hustle!” “Good up!” saved me from myself. I heard my friends cheering for me. I was elevated.

It was in that moment when I remembered why I loved playing volleyball. I remembered that even though I saw myself as the weakest link, I couldn’t allow myself to have the weakest spirit. Now that I think about it, the mere invitation to play among them should have been what boosted my morale in the first place. Looking back, I honestly can say that I tried my best with what I had. I had an amazing time.

Today’s event, replaced those ill feelings of inadequacy that I harbored all throughout high school. I now see that there’s some volleyball in there somewhere and no matter what skill level I’m at, that I’m still part of a team that’s generations strong. I was proud of myself for not dying on that court, but more importantly proud that I didn’t give up. After all, they didn’t give me up on me, right?

After a rocky start, I was redeemed from my former, teenage self who wanted more than sitting on the bench as the injured JV setter. My injuries didn’t allow me to play a single league game for 2 years. However, I think that today, I played the best game of my life and it was long overdue.

Faster, higher, stronger; that's what I need to be next time. I’ll pay my dues to reach the top that I only stared at from below.

A part of me was awakened and you know what? It feels pretty fucking awesome to wake up.

Eagle Rock Volleyball Alumni Day 2011: check.